Update

I probably should have come in here on Tuesday evening & updated you all on the status of Erin's case, but I got to doing something else & just didn't think about it. The judge restarted his probation from his first case (which was a vandalism charge from almost 2 years ago) & added some more to his fine on that. Erin plead guilty to the underage consumption charge & was fined & ordered to complete a home study on substance abuse (which will cost him $85 when he sends it back in) & plead not guilty to the paraphernalia charge, so he meets with his attorney & goes back to court in April. There are no longer any warrants out for his arrest, so at least he can walk around town without being afraid now.

The judge did ask him if he thought his parents would help him pay his fines & he looked at her & said, "I don't know. I haven't asked them." because he, like us, believes that this is his responsibility, not ours. So at any rate, we're done with the bulk of his court dealings & we'll hopefully be totally done in April. I really hope he gets a grip on his life & doesn't get into any more trouble.

I'm going to go & pick Rhi up in a few minutes to take her to a job interview. I really hope she gets this one, she really needs something so she can help out the family she's living with & start trying to save up to get a place of her own. I'm not sure how she'll furnish an apartment, at this point, I think all she owns is a dresser & some office furniture, since she pretty much gave her bed to Erin & threw her other old stuff out when she moved the first time. Maybe between her & her boyfriend, they'll find her enough stuff to get by with for awhile.

I'm not feeling well today. After dinner last night, and I mean right after I finished eating, I got insanely dizzy & stayed that way most of the night - at least while I was awake. I got up this morning my whole body ached & I just didn't feel well. I'm supposed to take Dawn grocery shopping today, but I don't think I can make it. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow & we can doit then. As it is right now, when I'm done with Rhi, I'm going back to bed.

Nervousness

Erin's in court right now with Troy. I just couldn't bring myself to go this time, for so many reasons. I spent the first 16 months of his life in & out of court, trying to prove that I was good enough to be his mother & trying to convince a judge that I wasn't going to screw his life up. I've been back several times for various reasons over the years, not to mention the times I went with Rhi. I think Troy was with me for one of those little visits. I kind of felt like it was his turn.

Going to court when your child has broken the law & you know they have (when you don't believe that they're innocent) is very hard. Prosecutors say whatever they think will help them win & send the alleged criminal to jail, the police color their version of whatever event is was to favor themselves & their actions - it's not wrong, it's just that they only know what they think happened & not who the person involved really is. It's so hard to sit there & listen to the horrible things they say about someone you love, especially when you know that person & who they really are. Sometimes I have to study the bench in front of me or the door hardware pretty intensely to keep myself from opening my mouth.

I'm pretty nervous that he won't be coming home today, because part of the reason he's in there today is because he was unable to pay a fine. If he didn't paid it, there was a 6 month suspended sentence attached to it that he'll have to serve. He's also pleading guilty to underage alcohol consumption. He has an additional failure to appear (which was kind of our fault, that being the Friday Troy got sick & ended up in the ICU) that has to be dealt with & I think another paraphernalia charge. At any rate, the bench warrants that out on him are expired now. I hate this so much, I really hope we don't have to go through this anymore after this is all taken care of, I just want it to be done & for him to have learned a valuable lesson.

I should be hearing from Troy pretty soon, he remembered to take his phone with him. It's taking longer than I thought it would, so it might not be going well. I need to stop thinking about it, I'm making myself sick.

Seems to Never End

I'm sure that before very long all of you will get sick of me griping about my daughter, but honestly, I have to put it somewhere & confronting her with everything is never a good idea, especially not for the whole family well-being thing. So I keep my mouth shut & write about it when I can put words to what I'm feeling.

There is good news to talk about for a change, along with my usual ranting & raving. She was approved for Utah Vocational Rehabilitation, so she'll be able to go to school, learn a trade & they'll help her find a job, too. We're all pretty excited for her & can hardly wait for her to be able to get started & get everything going in a forward direction again. She's living with a friend of hers and her family & seems to be happier & doing a lot better emotionally, I really hope that it lasts longer this time than it has in the past. I'd love to see her gain some more confidence in herself & start realizing that she's great with or without a love match, and that she can make it on her own & be happy doing it.

About a week or so ago, she asked me if she could "borrow" some money so that she could buy her boyfriend a nice Valentine's gift. I told her the truth, which is we don't have any extra money for that sort of thing right now. We'll be trying to pay our taxes soon & we have Troy's hospital bill to pay off, too. I also feel like it's her responsibility to handle getting gifts for the guys she gets involved with, not mine. I haven't bought a Valentine's gift for a man since I was in high school, because since then I've learned what a man really wants for pretty much any gift-giving occasion & the gift wrapping is usually sexy lingerie & not a gift bag. I told her that, but she really didn't want to believe it & was only interested in buying something.

She started complaining last night that some money she had hoped to get didn't happen & that she wasn't going to be able to get him anything at all for Valentine's now, and it felt like she was hoping I'd step up & offer her some, but of course, I still don't have any extra & he still isn't my boyfriend, so I offered her a couple of other suggestions, which she didn't like & so she stopped texting me about it. I really hope that one day she'll learn that the best gifts are from the heart & not the store & that any man worthy of her will believe the same thing. Troy & I do more nice things for each other than we give actual gifts & we always have. We started our marriage with very little money & two kids to raise, so we learned to show our love in ways that didn't involve money. She has no money, so she needs to learn that pretty quick, in my opinion.

I try not to butt in, and I don't say much about it, but I do hope she figures it out.

Frustration & Pain

I really thought that once my kids grew up & moved out, they'd stop lying to me, that once they started to mature & realize that they couldn't really "get in trouble" with us anymore, that there wouldn't be any point in lying. It worked with Erin, at least after we kicked him out & he stayed away for awhile. Sometimes he tells me things I don't really want to hear, but he's pretty much always honest with us. Once they graduate and turn 18, I have always felt that what they do outside of my home really isn't my business unless they want to make it mine, but if it happens here, it is & if I ask, I'd better be getting the truth.

Back in late November or early December, not long after Troy got out of the hospital, we had gone somewhere & when we got home, we found Troy's prescription of Lortab lying on the floor. The bottle looked like someone had attempted to make it look like the dog got a hold of it & got it open. The bottle was empty, although we ended up finding less than half of the pills that were originally in it. Troy & I both knew that a person was responsible, because in all of her 5 years, Tiny had never done anything like that & we'd never put pill containers out of her reach. We couldn't get anyone to claim responsibility fot it & so we let it go.

The next day or so we came home & the entire bottle was gone. We asked Erin about it (although, honestly, we knew he hadn't taken it, for a variety of reasons that I'll tak about later), and he automatically starting helping Troy try to find it. That didn't happen, so Troy woke Rhi up, who immediately started screaming at him, denying any knowledge & crying. Then she said that Erin did it both times, that he made the bottle look like Tiny had gotten it & then took the 28 pills in it & sold them, and, not only had he done this terribe thing, but he told her about it. I made her come out here & accuse him of this to his face, which she did, with a rather desperate "help me" look on her face. He pretty much looked at her like she was insane & just sadly shook his head.

I have always felt that it was her, but that she did it for one of her friends or for her boyfriend, so that the pills could be sold & there would be money. She was jumping all over her ex-room mate's reputation yesterday & said that he had been in the habit of selling prescription drugs to people & that got me to thinking. I texted her yesterday after she got moved into a new place (she's now sponging off her friend's family) & asked her if that person had stolen the Lortab & sold it. She went off on me again, again accusing Erin of it & not only that, now suddenly he's stealing it from my dad, too. I gave up at that point & just told her to have a nice evening.

Yes, Erin is a pot smoker & a drinker, but that doesn't make him a thief & a liar. First off, he would never steal from his dad or myself. Never. He wouldn't steal from his sister or any of our friends either, but he sure makes a convenient scapegoat for her when something comes up missing. He also knew how much pain Troy was in after his surgery & wouldn't have been able to handle being the one responsible for Troy not being able to find any relief from the pain. He has taken Lortab in the past, twice. The first time he didn't get much out of it & the second time, he got sick, just like I do, when I take it. He didn't have a sudden influx of money when the pills disappeared, he didn't have any money, as a matter of fact.

As far as my dad & his Lortab goes, Rhi got that idea at Christmas, when my mom couldn't find the bott because she forgot where she put it. She did find it, Rhi just wasn't aware of it, so she figured she could use that to make her story more believable. They aren't missing any pills & Erin has been out there exactly twice in the past few months (Thanksgiving & Christmas) and would be even less likely to steal from them.

Rhi, on the other hand, has been stealing things from us for years & denying it. Her first reaction to any question is to lie. You may get the truth eventually, but only after she has decided that she isn't in danger of "getting in trouble" or "getting a lecture." She knows that we won't just let this go & that if we can prove it was her she'll be in a lot of trouble. What she doesn't know is that I'm through playing around & plan to change the locks this weekend & secure all of the windows so she can't break in. I don't trust her, her friends or her boyfriend in my home when I'm not here or awake anymore. I'm done being lied to & being disrespected. It hurts my heart to feel like I have no other choice but to do this, but I do feel that way.

Sometimes, even now, being a parent realy sucks.

Manners

I don't care who you voted for or why you voted for them. For the most part, I don't really care how you feel about our new President, either. I'm not being rude, honestly, it's just that most people feel one of two ways about it - they love him or they hate him. Those who love him are ecstatic about the possibility of a change coming to the USA & those who hate him are angry & afraid of what that change will entail.

I get being angry, I spent the past 8 years angry & afraid if what was happening to the country that I love. I didn't turn into a 12 year old & start spreading lies about former President Bush, however. I didn't proclaim to everybody within earshot that I hate Republicans" or anything else. I don't, just for the record, there are people that I love who are Republican & people who are Democrats that I can't stand. I judge people by who they are, not who they vote for. The point I'm trying to make is that, until I had to start choosing between paying bills & buying groceries, I shut my mouth & kept my anger & fears to myself, or only mentioned it to Troy or my close friends.

I have heard so many outrageous lies & allegations about President Obama since he announced his candidacy that it truly makes me ashamed to not only live in this state, but part of the time, this country as well. I'm so tired of the double standard that says that anyone who doesn't walk the GOP line should just shut up & deal with it, because we're too stupid to choose a good President, while they are allowed & encouraged to say whatever the hell they please, no matter how ridiculous & untrue it may be.

I should have known it was going to be a bad night on Pogo last night when I read some woman's profile & it was ragging on President Obama misspeaking at a campaign rally in Oregon, saying he had now been to "57 states & had a couple more to go" & her comment about it was "What? The 57 states of Islam?" First, it doesn't matter. He can be whatever religion he wants to be, our country was founded on that principal, you have the same freedom to believe whatever you want, too. He even has the freedom to be Athiest, if that's what he wants to be & it has no bearing on his Presidency. Second, he has attended the same church for 20 years, he is a member of Chicago's Trinity United Church. Yes, his father & stepfather were Muslim & he lived for part of his childhood in a mostly Muslim country, but he attended secular & parochial schools while he was there. If you're going to hate, at least get your facts straight & learn to think for yourself instead of letting reactionary idiots like Limbaugh & Hannity think for you.

Shortly after I read the profile she & some guy started Democrat bashing & talking about how stupid they are & how immature because some people hissed & booed Mr. Bush (for the record, I'm not a Republican or a Democrat) & they were going to boo & his the President every chance they got. Okay, but they were going to do that anyway. I muted both of them & made the statement that they had expected everyone who opposed Mr. Bush to shut up for 8 years & now they expect us to shut up while they bitch about President Obama for at least the next 4 years. I didn't say anything else, I sat there & played my game until another person came in making racks on how the President was "still on food stamps" & changed his named to"o-bum-a." I assumed she meant the fact that his picture will be on food stamps (making him literally on them) until she changed his name. I have a lot of friends on food stamps. I was on food stamps for a long time. None of us are bums. Falling on hard times doesn't make a person less than someone else & in my opinion, that type of behavior shouldn't be tolerated. So, I didn't. I spoke my mind & I left.

It really did bother me. I'm not a rude person & I don't act like a middle school girl. Namecalling never solves anything & it certainly won't give them the president they wanted. Yes, this country also guarantees us the freedom of speech, but that doesn't give a person the right to be rude or irresponsible with their words. Try treating people how you want them to treat you, you know? They all go on & on about what great Christians they are, but they sure don't act like I always imagined Jesus would act.

A Time for Change

I don't talk about politics a lot, it tends to aggravate me & around here, if you aren't Republican & people find out, they generally gang up on you & berate you until you give in & agree with them. Mostly, I refuse to engage in those discussions at all, even with most of my friends.

Let's just say that the last 8 years have been tough all over, especially the past 4, with the rising cost of gas & everything else, businesses failing & closing down, people having to choose between paying on credit cards or buying groceries. Over the past few months I've watched people lose jobs they've had for years, either because there wasn't enough work to keep them on or because it was cheaper to pay someone who had been there less time or the company closed. It really puts a new perspective on everyday life, suddenly, finding the best possible diet pill isn't quite as important anymore. Really, all that matters when this starts happening all around you is hanging on & doing the best you can.

Troy's job is safe, for now. We're faced with the possibility of his plant closing down all the time, so we're used to the fear, we've said the same thing from the day he started there, "We'll ride this train until it stops, then we'll go from there." We managed to get the kids raised, we have most of the toys we want, so if the worst happens & his plant closes, we'll be okay. We'll adjust & he'll find something else, even if we have to move.

I am excited about the new administration, I voted for President Obama, after all, I feel that there is change in the air, a chance for new beginnings & fresh dreams. Yesterday was the first time that I actually enjoyed listening to an inauguration speech, and the first time in a very long time that I'm really looking forward to what the next four years has to bring to this country.

Dilemmas in Parenting

Today is my 43rd birthday (go me, I survived another year!) I went to my birthday party last night, we had a lot of fun. We ate good food, had a couple of drinks, in my case a bottle of Sam Adam's Black Lager & a Pama & Sierra Mist & played with henna for hours. I left at around 1am, because I was tired & didn't want to fall asleep behind the wheel. I came in, grabbed some ice, pored my Diet Dr. Pepper in it & took it to bed with me.

I finished it while I was reading & was running a fever so I had the chills & tried to get to sleep. I finally managed it only to be woken up to Erin throwing up in the bathroom. The toilet is against the same wall as our bed, so in the middle of the night, it's a pretty rude awakening. While I was lying there waiting for it to end & then trying to get back to sleep, I decided that I was going to tell him that he had to find another place to sleep on the nights he drinks too much, because I have such a hard time trying to get back to sleep if I get woken up.

Today, after I managed to get some more sleep & am not angry or tired anymore I'm not really sure what I should say or do. He isn't legal to drink until August, but he is an adult, so I don't feel like I have a leg to stand on by telling him not to drink, so instead, he's told that he can't do anything illegal in our home & try our best to deal with the aftermath of what he does outside our home.

He has cut back a lot & it doesn't happen that often, it's possible I was over-reacting last night. I'll see if I get just as angry the next time it happens, if I do, then it'll be time to do something about it.

New Look

Alrighty, I got a new layout & I plan to change this more often than I have been lately. I even hope to start posting more in here. I know I've been slacking off, mostly it's because I didn't really know what direction I wanted this blog to take, but I think I've decided that it's mostly going to be about parenting grown children & my blended-religion marriage.

I have other blogs that talk about other aspects of my life, but nothing that really deals with the family life & marriage & all of that, so that's what we're going to do.

2009

I still can't believe that it's already 2009. This year is the 25th year since high school, that's just amazing to me, especially since, at times, it feels like it was only a couple of years ago. I know that I have kids that are in their 20s, so I haven't lost my mind, it's just that I don't feel old enough, most of the time, to have finished high school 25 years ago. There are days when looking in the mirror is a scary surprise, too, because sometimes I wonder who this old woman is that's looking out of my eyes, but that's probably a different story for a different day.

The weight loss has been going well, the doctor put Troy on a 1200 calorie, low-fat diet when he got out of the hospital & since it's just easier if we all eat the same way, I started it too. I've lost around 20 pounds or so since then.It's pretty much like when I was taking Alli last year, but I don't have to remember to take any pills. Troy is looking absolutely skinny & is off all of his diabetes medications, at least for now, so it's all good in that area, at any rate.

Coming Out of the Freeze

The sky is clear & blue today & it feels like the temperatures are over freezing, or at least, not as close to zero as they have been. It's been so cold here since the week before Christmas, with a lot of snow, ice & wind. The forecast looks like we're supposed to be clear & sunny for a few days, thankfully. I can only handle so much cold, grayness before I start to go nuts.

Troy & Erin spent the morning playing Rock Band, and I've been working & tying up lose ends before the next week starts. We're just kind of hanging out & relaxing right now, thinking about going to get a soda & trying to decide what we want to do until it's time to game. I know we need to do the dishes, if nothing else, since we have no flatware & very little of anything else to eat on, to say we've been slacking off would be an understatement at this point.

I'm also thinking I probably ought to eat something, since i haven't been managing more than one meal a day the past few days. I just haven't been all that hungry, I guess. I know that a lot of my problems with eating are that my throat often hurts too much to think about it, but now that I'm getting a grip on the thrush, it's getting easier.

When we get our Christmas money from Troy's mom, I want to go to the store & look at notebook memory for his laptop. He doesn't use it very often, but I know that he needs a bit of an upgrade as far as memory goes, if nothing else.

People are Strange

I think every group of friends has one of those guys, you know the type. He's the one who falls for every MLM scam out there, has dreams of making the fast buck no matter what he does & only gets involved in something if he believes he'll be rich within 2 or 3 months. I used to have a friend like that, then he screwed other people over in his quest for wealth & started talking crap about me & I stopped being his friend. He seems to be constantly on the look out for a buck, but he doesn't actually have the attention span to see anything through to a point where he could actually start to make money with it.

I've always thought he ought to look into a few small business opportunities, decide which one would really fit him & his lifestyle & take the time to make it work for him, but I know he isn't ever going to do that. He'll keep chasing the pipe dreams that he comes up with every few months & never get anywhere with any of them. It's sad to see people waste their lives doing nothing.

Cramped

I think I need to get the room Erin has been using straightened out so that he can keep his stuff in there & be able to keep track of it. It's all starting to build up in the living room & quite frankly, this room isn't all that big to begin with. Between all of the humans & animals we have in here you can barely turn around sometimes. I guess it's probably a good idea that we decided against getting the new TV right now, because even though getting new tv furniture and getting rid of the entertainment center would give us more room, I'm not sure we have the space to move anything around to make it work for us, not right now, anyway.

Things are just cramped & crowded right now, I imagine it won't feel like this when the weather gets nice again, but for now, this house feels about half of it's actual size. I think it probably has in the past, I'm just really bothered by my lack of space & privacy anymore, I think. I know I'm more than ready for it to be just me & Troy again, we got spoiled during those months when it was. Rhi plans to move out fairly soon, and Erin is trying to get some legal stuff cleared up & taken care of so that he can start getting some job training & get on with his life. I'm pretty excited, it means we can get on with our lives, too!

Back to the Grind

I'm desperately trying to get back to the grind of everyday life after the holidays, but I don't really think I'm succeeding very well. All I seem to want to do is hang out with my friends & Troy & play all day, you know? We ended up getting together yesterday afternoon/evening, getting KFC together & then playing Rock Band until almost midnight. I usually sing with Dawn & Vicki, but since I had almost no voice yesterday, I just watched the rest of them play. I'd really like it if we could get a system that we could play it on, so I could learn to use the instruments here at home (I'm shy when I'm learning to play a game). At least that way, I could play even if my voice wasn't cooperating that day, I'm just not sure I want to lay out that kind of money right now.

I spent some time this morning (while I was lying in bed, trying to decide whether I wanted to get up) thinking about engagement rings, since I've had a few myself. I'm not a hugely sentimental person, and I have to admit that I love the ring Troy bought me last year to replace my original engagement ring much more than I liked the first one. The one I currently wear is a sterling silver claddagh with a heart shaped sapphire. The original was 14k gold, with a blue topaz & a couple of tiny diamond chips to either side. I'm not a fan of gold or diamonds, honestly, so that's probably part of the reason I love the second one better.

I discovered at some point this week that my next nice little bug/illness is thrush. I was in a lot of pain on Christmas, by the time we went to bed I was pretty sure of what it was & looked it up on Dr. Google the next morning. I've been hitting the Listerine since then & I'm starting to hurt a lot less now, thankfully. I'll really be happy when I start to feel good again, I'm really getting worn down from being sick all the time. I'd love to feel good enough to get up & clean my house again, I miss it being clean to my standars, you know?

Another One Gone

Christmas was good for us. It was very low-key, but that was really what we were looking for this year. The kids were happy with their gifts, Troy loved his iPod Nano, I was thrilled with my perfumes (from BPAL) and my new Samsung digital camera. Christmas Eve was pretty mellow for us. Erin worked most of the day, Rhi was in & out. Her boyfriend & two of her other friends got together & got her a 6 month old American Pit Bull for Christmas, so she was out with them quite a lot. That evening, we watched some Christmas movies, ate dinner & opened our new pajamas & went to bed.

Christmas morning, Erin came & woke us up at about 7:30 or so, we came out & everyone got into their stockings & such, we all worked on waking up & then we got the gifts passed out & took turns opening them. Erin & Troy immediately started loading mp3 players with music, Rhi wandered back off to bed & I got on my computer & played until it was time to go to my folks' house. We had a good time over there & a lot of good food to eat, too. Everyone seemed to enjoy their gifts & we had a good time visiting. Of course, my niece was asking Rhi about everything from drawing anime, acne treatments & boys, but I think that's probably the great thing about having an older cousin to hang out with. I never really did & am happy to see their friendship grow as they both get older.

We left there right as the storm was starting to get bad, came back here & dropped the kids off to pursue what ever they had planned for the night, went & picked up Dawn & Jason & headed off to the party we were having with our friends. We had a bunch of good snacks to eat & tons of good things to drink. We all exchanged gifts & played Rock Band & had a great time. I think Troy & i got home at around 2am or so. Well, I gotta go, have to run to the store & then over to Dawn's.

I Think We're Ready

We decided to brave the grocery store and the liquor store today, we figured that it would be twice as bad tomorrow. We're going to a party on Christmas night, thus the need to run by the liquor store. I think there were more people in there today than I've ever seen at one time. There was some woman that was taking up the entire driveway while we were trying to get in.. she had her phone jammed in her ear & looked like she had a bad attitude, too. Troy called her "Dortha" and I looked at him & said, "I don't know, I think her name is something like Latrina or Rimowa or something." While we were in there, another woman walked up & asked us what went well in eggnog, I told her a spiced rum would be good, we chatted for a couple of seconds & then we went back to picking stuff out. I swear I don't look like I spend a lot of time drinking or anything, I have no idea why she asked us & I don't ever actually add anything to our eggnog, so I hope that was a good suggestion.

We headed to the grocery store after that to pick up mixers & realized that neither of us had eaten anything since breakfast, so we went to the deli first. I grabbed a sandwich, Troy got baked chicken & then we got mixers & left. I still need to wrap a few gifts & get stuff ready for the stockings, but other than that, I'm finished & ready for Thursday. Tomorrow I just want to stay in, do my laundry & relax. We plan to watch Christmas movies throughout the afternoon & evening & probably go to bed somewhat early, so we can be well-rested for Christma, which will be a busy & tiring day.

Wow.

I can't believe that Christmas is in two days, it seems like it was a month away just a few days ago, honestly. It's not like I'm not ready, I am, it just seems like the last month went by insanely quick. We had another snow storm yesterday, it started right after Troy & I decided to drive down to St. George & spend a little bit of his end of year bonus. Rhi got hired to work as a laborer on a local farm, so we dropped her off on our way & had to drive through everything from snow to rain in 50 miles.

We're trying to decide whether we should spend almost the entire bonus & get an LCD TV, which we've been wanting for awhile, or to split it between ourselves & get other stuff. Part of the problem we have is if we get a new, larger TV, we have to totally reaarange our living room & I don't think either of us is truly up to that yet. Another issue is that we'll have to get something to put it on, because all we have is an extremely outdated entertainment center & that will never hold a larger TV. I'm thinking we'll just wait & save up to get one & a new stand, too.

That means I need to decide what I do want to buy.. oh my, so many choices!

Winter Wonderland

We got quite a lot of snow last night, probably between 6-8" of it. This is really unusual for us in December, we almost never have snow that sticks before Christmas. We got our first big storm last year on December 26, so at least it was close enough to Christmas to kind of be able to say we had a white one. I don't know how long this one will stay on the ground, but it sure is pretty today!

I saw an ad today offering to sell a Las Vegas strip map & I kind of had to laugh. I'm not sure how many of you have ever been to Las Vegas, but I've been a few times & almost all of my friends have, too. It's really pretty easy to navigate , especially in the "strip" area. The streets are all pretty much named for one of the casinos that sit on the corners, so to find Tropicana Avenue (and thus McCarran Airport) you look for the Tropicana casino. The best way to get the full Las Vegas strip experience is to decide what you want to see & either take the monorail to get as close to the location as possible, or walk if it's close enough. Driving on the strip is pretty much a nightmare as soon as the sun goes down & as far as I can tell, stays that way all night long. There are also taxis & shuttles all over the place that are pretty affordable. I mean, if it makes you feel more secure to know exactly where everything is, go ahead & buy a map, it can't hurt anything, but I honestly don't think they're necessary.

Anyway, it's time for me to go get dressed & ready to go. Dawn, Vicki & I are having a girls' day & the guys are hanging out at Vicki's and playing video games. We've all been super excited about it & I can't wait to go!

Contemplation

I've spent a lot of time lost in thought since Troy got home from the hospital, and I know you're all probably tired of hearing about it, but it's what I feel like talking about, so I guess you can read it or ignore it. I've spent time worrying about what I'll do if he dies before I do, you know, how I'll pay the bills, buy groceries & pretty much just survive. I don't see how I would, so I guess I need a plan or something. He has life insurance through his job, but it's pretty much a year's wages & then it's done, so I could theoretically live off of that while I tried to find a job or get job training or something. I know that with my disabilities, I'd qualify for vocational rehab, which would pay for school.

We don't have home owner insurance, because we rent, but should I have renters insurance? Would it benefit me at all? I don't think it really does anything for me unless someone breaks in or something is lost or damaged, right? I know it seems strange for me to be worrying about all of this at 42, but I've almost lost him 3 times, now & when you're a stay at home wife & really don't have a lot of marketable skills, you do worry. It's not like my kids can or will take care of me, they can barely take care of themselves at this point.

I'm just stressed out, most likely over nothing & I know I need to calm down, take a deep breath & move on. I'm trying and I will, it's just going to take me a little while I think.

Changes

Troy & I have spent a lot of time this past week trying to get used to our new, healthier lifestyle. We've pretty much completely reworked our menu and cut out most of the stuff we used to eat & enjoy, because really, nothing is going to taste good to either of us if the other one dies young.

This hospital trip was a real eye-opener for us, and there are times when I'm still very emotional about it & sad, like this morning, when Troy tried to talk to me about what I would have done if he hadn't made it through. I started crying & pretty much refused to talk about it, really.

So, anyway, we've been doing a lot more healthy grilling, eating more chicken & almost no beef, adding more vegetables to our meals and having healthier snacks. Troy's been a great sport about it, and has even started eating vegetables that he had never agreed to eat at all before. We're both losing weight, sleeping better & feeling better, too.

See? It's Not All That I Do...

I haven't even turned the TV on today. I'm not thrilled with Saturday programing to begin with, it seems that it's a fat burner review, followed by a dehydrator ad that lasts an hour, and then something for the latest exercise gadget, then another food preparation product and on & on until mid-to-late afternoon, at least on most of the channels I feel like watching. I could find something, I'm sure, sometimes I catch some good movies on one of the premium channels on Saturdays, but, believe it or not, I just wasn't in the mood to stare at the box today.

I'm a little worried about Rhi, though. She still hasn't gotten out of bed & she's usually up fairly early. I know she was out until about 2 this morning, but that doesn't normally cause her to sleep this late. Who knows, maybe she has a hangover. It's not like she'd tell me or anything.

I do plan to have a talk with everyone later on today about the house, because we laid down rules for both of them when we said they could move back in & neither one of them is doing anything they agreed to. I'm tired of it.

Stuff

I know this is going to seem like I must watch TV constantly, I don't, really, I just remember a lot of what I do watch. I was watching the FBI Files yesterday, and it was about an undercover DEA agent who was trying to infiltrate & bring down the Medallin drug cartel. There were things brought up that he had to do to establish undercover character that I had really never thought about. I guess I just thought that you went in with this character & hoped that they believed you, you know?

He started out by meeting a low-level person in the cartel, and making a deal to buy a bunch of unlocked cell phones to use in his "mob business." He had to do this so he could kind of build up to asking about drugs & even told his connection that he was hesitant to even mention drugs at that point, because he didn't know if the cartel person was a cop or an informant or what. That was brilliant thinking to me, it really made him a lot more believable. After a few more transactions he started meeting higher level contacts, until they brought in an interrogator to make sure he wasn't undercover. They were having this interview, and the questions started to get pretty difficult for the agent & he pulled it out by acting the way he believed a true member of the mob would & the guy bought it & accepted that he was what he said he was.

It ended up with him ordering a bunch of cocaine & them screwing him over by bringing 9 tons of marijuana instead, so he told them he'd store that for them, but they weren't getting it back until he got his shipment, and they were able to get enough evidence against them to arrest all of them. It was a pretty fascinating episode & it definitely made me think.

Welcome to the World

Our friends, Gary & Summer welcomed their newest addition to their family this week, little Daen Norman. I'm really excited to see him, I love when our friends have babies. I'd like to get a look at his crib bedding and the colors they did his nursery in so I can make a taggy blanket for him that matches. I still need to makeone for little Cerridwen, since I never got around to making it after she was born like I planned. I'm thinking that's the last of the babies for a little while, anyway, unless Liz & Chris decide to have another one in the near future or someone else gets pregnant.

Anyway.

Troy seems to be feeling a bit better, although he seems like he's being very careful with his food today. I hope he'll feel a lot better with a full night's sleep, I know a lot of it is that night shift wears him out so much these days. Erin seems to be better today, too & Rhi, other than being bored, seems to be feeling really good. They both wemt out on a walk awhile ago, but i'm going to text her in a few minutes because I think dinner is just about ready. I put a pork loin in the crock pot this morning & it's smelling delicious right now.

Poor Guy

Troy came home this morning & told me he wasn't going in tonight. He said that he hurts all over & just doesn't feel well. I guess for the past two nights, he's gotten nauseated after he injects his insulin & last night he was actually sick from it, so he may need a new bottle or something, I'm not sure. I feel badly for him, he'll feel guilty all night about not going in, but honestly, he won't do them any favors by going in sick.

A lot of people have asked me what he does, and it's kind of hard to explain, even though the official title is "security guard" that doesn't even begin to talk about what his job actually is. He works at a chemical manufacturing plant, and along with the security function that he does provide, he takes care of material handling, industrial hygiene, and safety issues, like filling fire extinguishers & taking care of the safety showers. He often fills in when there's a computer problem & the IT staff is gone & also drives the ambulance when needed. I think that the title of his job gives an entirely different impression, and one that really isn't accurate, at least for him.

I just hope that he's feeling better by the time he goes back to work on Wednesday night.

The Shopping Time of Year

We're getting ready to start (and hopefully finish) our Christmas shopping in the next couple of weeks. We've cut way back this year, mostly due to finances, but also because we're trying to get back to where the holidays feel like more than a bunch of gifts waiting to be torn into & discarded or forgotten within a few months. Sometimes, I'm thankful that my kids (or Troy for that matter) aren't that into sports. At least I don't have to become an instant expert on football or golf equipment, while I try to figure out what would be the best thing to buy them, you know?

My kids like music, games, snuggly blankets & clothes. Their dad likes the same things, pretty much. It makes my shopping experiences pretty easy & I'm pretty good at figuring out what to get in each category so it's pretty fun, too. I know what I'm getting for all of them already, I hope they like what I choose. I think my niece is getting a handmade journal & a jar of journaling prompts this year. I hope to inspire her to start keeping a record of her life, so she'llk be able to look back & read about her childhood one day. I'm hoping she'll enjoy it & not think I'm just being cheap.

It CAN Happen to You

This past week or so has been a lesson learned for many of us in my small, Utah town. That lesson is that suicide can happen to anyone, from the best to the worst of families. A 14 year old boy, who was a friend of my god son, ran away almost 2 weeks ago. When we left, he took his mother's purse, which contained, along with cash & credit cards, some pretty heavy-duty, prescription pain medication. The police began searching for him immediately, and his community started the next morning. There was no sign of him, and no one had seen him. Last Monday or Tuesday his body was found, in his neighbor's unlandscaped back yard. He had been there since the night he ran away, when he had also ingested the contents of the bottle of pain medication.

I'm sure that his family thought their children were safe & that they would never take a medication that wasn't prescribed to them. I'm sure the thought of suicide never seriously entered their minds, let alone any other illicit use of those medications. I know this, because we never thought about until the past 6-8 months either, when it became a reality in our lives & even OTC pain relievers became the enemy & had to be kept hidden or not here at all. I hurt for this family though I have never met them & didn't attend the funeral. I know their pain, I have lived it many times in the nightmares that have followed Rhi's attempt last summer.

So, while everyone is looking forward to the holidays & planning what to buy for their loved ones, this family is trying to figure out how to go on without a member & trying to find meaning in their lives in the aftermath. I guess the bigger lesson is to keep all medications, including OTC varieties away from your kids, even after (maybe especially after) they become teens. It could save a life, really, so any trouble that it adds to the process for you would be worth it in the long run, right?

Yummy!!

Dinner was delicious. It may have just been a frozen lasagna, but having it come out of the oven and having good vegetables to go with it was a nice change. Sometimes in these very busy pre-holiday weeks I don't get a chance to make sure we get a good dinner every night, you know? It's definitely fall out there this week, time to put the MBT shoes away & dig out the boots. It's been raining & trying to snow for days. We have snow on the mountains already & it looks so pretty, it's putting all of us in the Christmas spirit already.

The pumpkin cranberry bread was freakin' wonderful, too. The bread is nice & sweet & the cranberries are still slightly crisp & sour, it makes a nice contrast both in the mouth & on the palate.  I'll definitely be making it again before all of the fresh cranberries are gone.

Spicy!

It seems like this time of year makes me want to surround myself with all of the spicy smells of autumn. I went out & bought a cinnamon gingerbread oil for my wall air freshener yeserday & it smells heavenly. That, of course, wasn't enough for me, I had to make a loaf of pumpkin cranberry bread today, so it's in the oven right now, competing (fragrance-wise) with the lasagne that's in there, too.

I bought a box of pumpkin spice tea, too & was happily surprised to find that it actually has pumpkin flakes in it. I can't seem to get enough of the smells of autumn, I love them year round, don't get me wrong, it's just easier to get a hold of things in those fragrances this time of year. Right now there's the wall air freshener, an autumn spice spray and pumpkin spice wax tarts. I swear, those fragrances are showing up in my house like promotional pens end up in my purse. I don't intend to add to the arsenal, but I pass them in the store & grab them up. I think I may be planning for the months when they are gone & my favorite smells are gone. What about you, do you have a favorite that's only available seasonally? Do you stock up? Am I crazy?

Halloweening

We had a really fun time taking the little ones out on Halloween. First we went up & down Dawn's street, while we were waiting for a friend & his kids to get there. Beth wasn't quite sure what to do at first, but she quickly got th hang of things. After about the third house she would work her way up to the front through the bigger kids, get up to the door & raise her hand up, reaching for candy. It was pretty cute, although all of the days of teaching her to say "trick or treat" & "thank you!" failed, since she forgot everything the minute we started walking around. Honestly though, she's 17 months old, we didn't expect much more.

After that, we headed out to the car dealerships, to go to the trunk or treating parties they were having. We only found one of them that was actually going on, which was fine because that was the only one that really mattered, since our friends Brad & Melissa were there working. We hung out there for awhile and Beth got to go to her very first haunted house, which didn't scare her at all.

Finally we headed up to Leigh Hill, which is, of course, one of the more wealthy neighborhoods here in town. We parked at the bottom & started our long walk up. We saw people pulling kids wagons full of trick-or-treaters, which I didn't envy at all, it was hard enough to pull myself up that hill. We made it up to the stop sign, which is almost at the top & went to our friend Ihanne's house for water. While we were there, he decided to head out with us for the walk down. He grabbed a horn o'plenty & went trick or treating with the kids, it was pretty cute.

Beth fell asleep before Dawn was out of the parking lot, but woke up right after they got to her house & seemed to be in a pretty good mood so they brought her out to the circle for our ritual. So, all in all, we had a really nice (and meaningful) Halloween/Samhain. I hope that all of you had a great time, too!

Starburst Stuff!

I finished Rhi's Starburst bracelet (the link is here for anyone else who wants to make one) & went out & bought more candy so I could make some more. I just think they're so cute & colorful, you know? I wish I could get a hold of all of the colors of the wrappers, it would be fun to make them for all of my friends in their favorite combinations. So, I've been keeping my eyes open for bags of them in different flavors than I already have. I know, this seems like something that would be more appropriate for an acne-troubled teen, but I love doing things with unusualitems, and always loved making gum wrapper chains as a child, so this is perfect for me.

I sit here & fold the wrappers while I'm watching TV or talking, so that when I'm ready to put them together, the links are all ready & I don't have to fold while I'm assembling. It makes the actual jewelry assembly a lot faster & more fun for me, too. Anyway, that's this week's crafting obsession!

Blech.

I'm so tired of feeling sick. My head hurts all the time, my nose is stuffed up, my throat is sore & my eyes are watering like a pair of Kohler faucets. I'm wondering what winter is going to be like if I'm already feeling this bad & it's only fall. Maybe I'll just stay in bed all winter, only appearing on the holidays or when I desperately need food or a shower. That wouldn't keep me from getting any sicker, I know, but at least I'd be getting enough rest & wouldn't be out here whining at everyone because I feel like crap.

I just haven't had any motivation to get anything done lately. I need to be cleaning every day, if I don't, the housefalls apart. I have four books that need to be bound & they're just sitting there on the shelf mocking me. I need to get my bedroom cleaned & nice so I can put my new comforter set on the bed & have a nice retreat for Troyu & I.. somany things, so little want to do any of them. Blech.

Trash Crafts?

Did you ever make gum wrapper chains when you were a kid? We did. I remember walking up to the store with my brothers, buying a pack of Wrigley's & saving each piece of foil to add to our neverending chain. I think our mom taught us how to make them when we were on a trip to see our grandparents in California, but I can't be sure of that. Anyway, I was reminded of all of that because Rhi was saving Starburst wrappers the other day because she wanted a bracelet made out of them. I told her I'd find the directions & make it for her if she wanted me to, so I've been sitting here, checking email & so on while I make a Starburst chain for her. I often wonder what other wrappers people use for this kind of thing, or what other crafts can be made with trash like candy wrappers. Maybe I'll have to look it up & see what I can find.

Halloween Party

We're in the planning stages of our annual Halloween party & I can't seem to figure out what I want to cook for the disgusting food contest this year. I've done chicken wings that look like bat wings in the past, kitty litter cake & potty chair Jello. There have been other entries, some years I make things & didn't compete, but I'm starting to feel like I've run out of ideas. I need to start scouring the recipe sites for appetizers or desserts & see if there's a way I can turn a normal recipe into something suitable for the contest.

I  also haven't figured out a costume for Halloween or for the party. Our Troth is getting together & taking all of the little kids in our group out on Halloween for trick-or-treating and then we'll meet back at our gathering spot for our Samhain ritual. The next night, we plan to have our party, so it'll be a pretty full weekend.

Hmmm

I'm sitting here watching a movie that I don't think I've ever heard of. It's called "Mee-Shee: The Water Giant" and was made in 2005. If I've heard of it, I don't remember anything about it at all. I'm enjoying it so far, although I'm kind of wondering why everyone in the movie, which is based in the "Canadian Wilds" has an English accent, except for the characters that are supposed to be American.

I love having all of the movie channels in my cable package, there always seems to be something to watch that interests me. I'd probably love it more if we had a nice home theater, or even our new flat screen TV, but since we don't, I can't really complain about it. Even when there aren't anyh movies to watch, I can always find something, somedays I think I watch TV too much, but then there are days, like yesterday, that I don'teven tuen it on.

Well, I guess I ought to get the dishes started, they aren't going to wash themselves & I'll needthe counter space later, if the siphon comes & we can bottle.

Not What I Expected

I just finished watching The Bridge to Terabithia & I have to say that it really wasn't what I expected it to be. I liked the movie, don't get me wrong, it just wasn't what I had thought it was. Maybe I should have read the book at some point in my life, or something. It was a heartwarming & yes, sad, story. It kept me engaged & interested throughout the movie, which isn't always true for me. I loved the Leslie Burke character, she reminded me of Rhi in her younger years, when she was so ddifferent from the other kids & it was so hard for her to make friends with people.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted today, even though I got plenty of sleep. I'm stuffed up again & my head is killing me. It could be stress or worry, I don't know. Rhi is having an off couple of days & I'm worried that her medicine isn't working now. I have a friend who's going through a tough time right now, too & I'm worried about her. I'm also anticipating being able to bottle our mead today, so hopefully our siphon will get here in the mail this afternoon. I'm excited to see what it tastes like & if it's ready to drink or needs more time to mellow out.

Smalltowns

I love living in a small town, for the most part. There are things that really are aggravating, though, like the smalltown attitude, thing & the fact that it's smalltown Utah & things are sometimes very 19th century. It's hard to find all of the cool things everyone seems to have in the stores, too. Troy uses Micro SD cards in his pocket PC, and we've been able to find exactly one card in the months that he's been looking. I use XD cards in my camera, and I've never been able to find one here, yet.

For my size & budget, there are two places for me to shop for clothing here in town. One of them I can really only afford if they're having a sale, and since I don't want to wear what everyone else is wearing, I either go to St. George or shop online. I'd rather shop in St. George, that way I can see the clothing & check the length on pants and such to make sure they're long enough for me.

I love that we have clean air & water and that it's quiet & beautiful here. I also love the low crime rate & extremely low rates for violent crime, so I guess it was a trade off & really, in my opinion, it was all worth it.

A Costume Contest?

My daughter, Rhi designed and handmade (she even sewed most of it without a machine) this wolf costume a couple of years ago. She managed to completely freak the dog out with it, too!!


Mrs. B over at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom, is having a 31Days of Halloween Giveaway, where she gives a bunch of cool things away every day, and for one of them today you need to post a pic of you, your husband or your child ion a costume & she'll decide which one is the most original & they get a cool basketful of goodies.

Technology Rocks

One thing that I noticed when we were helping Morgan & Roger shop for strollers, was how far they've come since the last time I bought one. Not only are they made for more than one purpose these days, they're so much safer than they were when my kids were little. I love the ones that have the infant car seat attached to them, so you can take it off, put the stroller away & either put the baby in the car or take them inside. Those are designed to change to a regular stroller when the baby gets too big for the infant car seat. There's a normal, standard stroller seat under it, so you never really have the issue of the baby outgrowing the stroller.

There are even models now that allow your older child to stand behind the seat and safely ride that way, some even have a little seat forthem to sit on if they get tired of standing. That really would have come inhandy when mine were little, poor Erin would get so tired at times & we'd have to carry him or sit down & rest awhile with him. We've really come a long way regarding safety & our children in the past 20 years or so, you know?

I Might Be Giving Up

I remember a time when my brother liked to get out & do things. He always wanted to go hiking or camping. It seemed to be him that came up with all of the ideas for weekend excursions to this place or that, to look for artifacts from an old mine or arrowheads in the desert. That was after he'd finished drug rehab and moved here, to Utah, before he met his current wife. For awhile, even after they got married, we still had our annual family camping trip, which we did near the 4th of July, so that we could celebrate that holiday together.

I remember the last camping trip we took together. His wife started complaining after the first day that she was missing out on her soaps and by the afternoon of the 2nd day, they were griping to go home immediately. She made it sound like it was because she was going to miss all of that TV & she couldn't survive without knowing what was going on in her little fantasy world on whatever soap opera she was addicted to at the time. What it really was, was that they had run out of beer that morning.

Their marriage revolves around the drinking. It's the only thing they really seem to do anymore. They have an 11 year old daughter that has no concept of who her daddy really is, because I doubt she's ever seen him truly sober & I know her mother isn't ever sober, especially since she starts her mornings off with the beer that was left when they went to bed the night before. They come to family holiday meals, most of the time they bring their beer with them, they drink it all & then it's time to go home and yes, they drive after they've been drinking, with my niece in the car.

I'm starting to feel like I want to give up on him, especially since he isn't willing to go through alcohol rehab of any type. It breaks my heart to see him this way. It hurts my kids to remember their uncle, and the way he cared about them & played with them when they were really little, before they started calling him their "Drunkle." I keep caring because I love my niece & she needs someone, but I have started distancing myself from my brother & sister-in-law & I'll probably continue to. I can't watch him killing himself anymore. I just can't.

Life Comes at You Fast

That commercial isn't kidding. Yesterday, Troy went to his doctor appointment for a two week follow up on a medication he had just started and came home with a prescription for insulin. I really wasn't expecting it & it hit me pretty hard. It feels like everything in our life changed at that moment, you know? Questions were rolling around in my head, with me wondering if he'll be able to get a passport still, and if he can, if he can handle a transatlantic flight and dumb stuff like that. Those were all masking my actual fear that the insulin isn't going to work & he won't make it through this. I started crying by the time we got to the store& we had to sit in the car & talk about everything before could even think about going inside & facing reality. I'm not great with it all, but I know it's the way life is & I'm accepting it.

While we were at the store, Rhi I texted Rhi to tell her what was going on. She was out on a date, but we always kind of keep in touch, no matter what's going on. We chatted back & forth for awhile & then she asked me if she could move back in. Of course I'm not going to tell her she can't, so we no longer have an empty, or even nearly empty nest, since Erin has been staying here since August & Rhi is back, now, too. It's different this time around, we aren't raising them & Rhi is doing a lot of changing, so I'm hoping life will coninue to just be mellow for us.

Frustrated

So, waited to go to the doctor & the eye doctor this year, to give everyone else a chance to go & get stuff done first. So, of course, they've all met their deductibles & our medical savings account is empty & I never got to go. In January, I'm going to get my annual exams & then I'm going to the eye doctor to get new glasses & replace my contact lenses. Screw it, waiting sure didn't pay off for me this time around, I don't see the point in it now. I'm somewhat frustrated with our health insurance plan right now to begin with, so every little thing they tell us that isn't covered anymore sends me over the edge. That, and they've got some really rude people working for them, it seems like every time Troy has to call, someone treats him badly anymore & that really makes me mad. I wish we'd get something better for once.

Mellow Weekend

Our weekend, so far, has been extremely mellow. Yesterday I got up extremely early for a Saturday & went to help with a fundraiser for the Southwest Wildlife Foundation. It was a lot of fun. There was a walk for dogs & people, with a bunch of interesting information along the way, a dog fashion show & a pet trick contest. We had raffles every half an hour with some really nice little prizes, a rubber ducky race & drawings for grand prizes at the end. Then we helped pack everything back up & each of us got a prize from what was left in the pile. My kitties are loving their new scratching post, because it has a toy on top & the old one doesn't.

I took Dawn & Justin home & then came home myself. I sat here for about 10 minutes & started to fall asleep, so I went & took a nap & while I was waking up, Ryan showed up to get his heat gun. We visited with him for a couple of hours. While we were outside, Rhi came over to visit & use our computer (she may be looking for a car insurance quote for a car she's thinking about getting) & then we decided to head out to our troth for Mabon. We picked up Dawn & headed out. It was a nice, mellow little gathering, we did a lot of talking & deciding about the future of the troth itself. We got home at about midnight & went to bed. I got up today after 11 & Troy just barely did & it's noon. We may be gaming tonight, we'll see.

Dealing

I'm dealing with the Rhi situation in the only way I really can, at this point. I'm trying to stay away from her when it feels like she's unstable. That way, she's less likely to attack me. We took her to the doctor today to get everything started to see if she's bipolar or not. She's on medication to see how she does on it & we're working on getting her in to see a psychiatrist for the actual evaluation. At least she's willing to go through all of this & wanting to make a change in her life. She says she doesn't like the way things are right now, so that's a step in the right direction. We finally feel like we have a starting point with her anyway and it's been a long time coming.

Have you ever seen a sign or something & thought it said something entirely different than it has? I've been thinking for a long time that a sign around here on a truck has said "Blackhead Removal" and it never once struck me as unusual, or had me wondering why in the world you'd need a truck for that, but I saw the truck again a little while ago & it actually said "Blackburn Removal," I guess it's a construction site cleaning service or something. I can't believe I have been misreading that all this time.

The rain is pouring down right now, it's raining so hard I can barely hear over it. Autumn is definitely on it's way in!

So Tired...

... of it all. I can't seem to win with Rhi anymore. I talk to her & she accuses me of prying. I start only speaking when spoken to & I get accused of not loving her. I'm so tired of having to defend my right to love all three of my kids for who they are & not just her. It's like she expects me to sit around & constantly sing praises about her, to prove that I do love her. It's just grow tiresome, in all actuality.

She honestly thinks that Erin & I sit around & discuss his drug use & that I'm advocating it and telling him how proud I am of him every waking moment. Now, it's moved on to my friends' kids & I'm telling all of them that I'm proud of them, too & not telling her. It's true. I'm not telling her. She isn't exactly doing anything to be proud of right now, to tell the truth. She's not working. She's not trying to find a job, she's not acting like the adult she wants to be treated as, she's not communicating with people with respect, so what's there to be proud of? We get into an argument & she immediately starts attacking me & accusing me of being a terrible, unfair mother & then she says the standard, "I wish no one had found me that night." meaning, she wishes she was dead.

If stress was a fat burner, I'd be skinny by now, I swear. I'm so tired of feeling like crap & being hurt by her. I'm tired of crying.

Getting Old?

I realized the other day, as I was switching between my computer & the TV that I really need to get my prescription updated on my eyeglasses, because the TV is starting to get awfully blurry when I do that. I really ought to make an appointment pretty soon & go do that, but honestly, I'm not happy with my eye doctor & am trying to find another one, or maybe I'll go back to my old one.

Anyway, I'm having a pretty good day sitting around, visiting with Erin, but doing that isn't really getting my house any cleaner & I kind of promised myself that I'd get at least one of these tables finished today. I'm having issues dealing with one of my kids right now & that seems to take up a lot of my thinking time, maybe if I start cleaning, I won't be wasting time thinking and being sad.

Still Cleaning

Well, the kitchen is just about done, and we're getting ready to start on the living room. We were able to get rid of the litter box we were using for the kitten, because she's big enough for the big ones now, so that helps a bit. I'm trying to figure out a different place to put them, so that when we rearrange in here it isn't an issue. I'd like top put one in the bathroom & maybe one in the room that will become my office, eventually. I know I'll have to move them one at a time so they don't get confused, but it needs to be done.

All I really have left to do in the kitchen is the area on & around the table, the entryway & the floor. It'll be good to have it done, I've spent so long on it already & it looks so much better, even now. I've been good about keeping the areas that are done clean, too & plan to keep it up, because I don't want to have to do this again. I'd love to be able to just do a quick cleaning every day & get it done fast & maybe do a major one every weekend, but not major like I'm having to do now!!

More Weight Stuff

I seem to be doing okay with the way I'm eating these days, although I have days where I don't do great. I figure I'd have those days even if I was actually dieting or taking something like Leptovox, too. I'm human, after all. I think I do much better when I know I can eat whatever I want & I actually take the time to think about my food and realize when I'm full. I don't end up with heartburn that way, at any rate.

I got up this morning & started spaghetti sauce in my crock pot for dinner tonight. Usually, I just go in & make it about 3 hours before dinner & just let it simmer on the stove, but I decided to take advantage of the smallest crock on my pot (mine has 3 different sized crocks) and do it early. That way, I can heat up a can of sauce for Erin at dinner time without any meat in it & everyone gets to eat.

Rhi moved across town yesterday. She couldn't pay the rent in their trailer & was getting tired of one of her room-mates not working & pitching in with anything. She moved in with a guy named Dustin and her best friend, Ryan, in a 4-bedroom for almost $200/month cheaper, so they should be okay now.

Weight a Minute

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I plan to do about my weight over the past several months. I considered WLS, weight loss pills, liquid diets, pre-packaged diet food and have, at times, wished I was anorexic (not seriously). I've decided that I'm just going to try to eat more healthy foods and control my portion sizes better. There are a lot of things that don't even sound good to me anymore, so I just don't eat them. I don't likebreakfast foods, so I eat fruit and nuts for breakfast. I don't like lunchmeat anymore, so I don't eat it, even though I still like sandwiches (I eat veggie & cheese sandwiches now). I love salads, but hate most creamy dressings & avoid them if at all possible.

I only eat if I'm hungry & I try very hard to stop eating when I feel full, which helps quite a bit, since I really hate feeling sick from eating too much. We went out to eat last night & I ended up bringing most of my meal home, so I'll have it tonight, or what I can eat of it anyway. So, how about you? Do you have weight or food issues? If so, how are you dealing with them? Is it working?

Beautiful Clothing for Beautiful Women

My Renne-friend, Michelle, runs a wonderful booth called "Damsel in this Dress." She sells gorgeous clothing that she & her husband create together. She makes bodices that make every woman look beautiful, no matter what body type they have. I have made many bodices in my career as a re-creationist, from my early days in the SCA to later years at the Renaissance faire, but nothing made me look like Michelle's beautiful creations do.

Many people see what she makes & look at the price & think they can make the same thing at home. The fact is, you just can't. She's a professional. She owns quality, industrial equipment for every part of the process, and she makes her own patterns in styles you'll never be able to match anywhere. She uses rich, beautiful fabrics, that are very expensive to buy on your own, imported European steel boning & two-piece grommets.

Every bodice or corset that she designs & makes is creating to lengthen the body line & nothing ever ends at the natural waist. The result? Every woman who leaves her booth wearing a new bodice or corset looks at least 10 pounds thinner & taller, too. That's not even mentioning what they do for your womanly assets. Ever wished you were "perkier" looking than you are? These will definitely do the trick, trust me. They are beautiful items of clothing, they're made to be worn & worn again. You can wear them to a renaissance faire, an SCA event, with a skirt or with your jeans. I've never seen any of Michelle's pieces look bad no matter what they were worn with.

Another cool thing is that she makes other things, like skirts & blouses to go with the bodices & corsets. She has a blog, an Etsy store & an Ebay store, so if you love beautiful clothing that makes you feel beautiful, too, check her out.

Wonderful Weekend & Wednesday, Too

We had a really good time camping this past weekend. The weather was beautiful, cool, but not cold, a light breeze. We didn't get rained on, which was the concern. Rhi ended up coming home Saturday evening, which was fine, because we had forgotten our cast iron skillet & would have had to come back for it anyway. Tiny escaped from the tent trailer in the middle of the first night, scaring us both to death. All we could think of was her tangling with a bear & being gone forever, especially when she didn't come when we called. She did eventually come to the door and come in. We're pretty sure she needed to go to the bathroom, slipped out, did her business & couldn't get back in, so she went to sleep out there. The next night (and the rest of that one) Troy put the leash on her & put it on his arm so she couldn't get out.

It was really nice to get away & forget about time, schedules and everything else for a couple of days, I wish we had done it a few more times this summer, but there's always next year.

I'm in the middle of cleaning my kitchen & took a little break to brew some coffee, have a couple of cups & post in here. I seem to lose track of time pretty quickly anymore (especially since I'm not living by anyone's schedule but Troy's these days), I think I need to get myself a watch, since I don't always have my cell phone with me & when I do, we don't always have service (like when we're on the mountain). Speaking of watches, did you know that they now make "talking watches," that say the time for you? I think they're awesome for people who have problems with their vision & may get one for my mom for Christmas so she doesn't have to dig out her glasses every time she wants to know what time it is.

Well, time for another cup of coffee & some more ibuprofen, I think.

Almost Ready

We went & bought all of our groceries for the camping trip & some really nice camping supplies, too. Nothing was on sale yet, but they were pretty inexpensively priced to begin with. We got a nice grill top for a camp fire, an organizer stand, a comforter set, a ground blanket & some camp forks for cooking hot dogs & marshmallows. We also grabbed a hammock for Troy, since he loves them so much. I'm really looking forward to this little getaway, it's been about a year since we went & things were kind of chaotic on that trip. I'm hoping for a better one this time.

Dawn probably isn't coming with us, but Rhi is, so that's a good thing. Tiny will enjoy spending time with her & her puppy, Ember. I have a housewarming barbecue to go to this afternoon & a birthday party for my friend Eric tonight, so it's shaping up to be a pretty busy weekend!

Trying to Keep Busy

My dad is having his first radiation treatment for his cancer right now, so I'm trying to keep my mind as busy as possible. I can't seem to stop worrying about him & this whole course of treatment, so I'm hoping that if I keep my mind so full of trivial things then I won't have time to worry. We'll see how well that works out for me.

It's already been a fairly trying week, first off Dawn's room-mates didn't put any money away to pay their half of the rent (and it doesn't help that the only one working can't seem to make it through a whole week without "getting sick") & she had to sell her kids school clothes gift cards to come up with enough to keep them from getting evicted and then my god-daughter got arrested again, then my grandma took a turn for the worse & died the next day, and now my dad's cancer has progressed & he's started treatment.

We're getting away for the weekend, just camping, but we really find that to be more relaxing and rejuvenating than any other vacation we could ever take. It's probably because we aren't racing around trying to get anything done, we're just concentrating on relaxing, talking & being together. Dawn plans to go with us, I don't know if Rhi or Erin are, yet, I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet.

I'm saving up to buy us a 32" flat screen TV & I'm trying to decide whether we want to get a stand for it, or a TV wall mount, instead. I'm kind of leaning towards the stand, because we really don't have a lot of wall space in an area where we could actually watch TV, although I'm thinking of moving the furniture around in here & seeing what looks best, so we'll see.

The Dog Days

I'm not really sure when the dog days actually are, I'm pretty sure it's in August, although that month is fairly cool for us, because that's usually when the rains come & the heat backs down. All I really know is that it's been terribly hot all month & I'm really tired of being exhausted and overheated.

Dawn's surgery went really well and she's recovering nicely. They released her the next evening & I drover her to get her prescriptions and then home. I haven't seen her much since then, but I know if she needs me that she'll call. There are other things going on with her right now that she's trying to handle & things going on with me that I'm handling by staying away, but neither of us is angry with the other or anything.

There isn't much to do around here after faire ends, so I'm trying to keep busy. If we were still in Pueblo, there would be quinceanera invitations to read & parties to look forward to, the state fair, the reservoir and a lot more, but we aren't, so I think I'll look at Troy's schedule & plan a camping trip or two. I know I need to get away & I'm sure he does, too.

Keeping it All Paid

We have the second half of our car insurance due next month & I've just about got it all saved up so that it won't hurt our budget to pay it. I need to remember to save it in advance, well before it's due in December, just so we're not sitting there trying to figure out how many payments to split it up into. Honestly, you'd think we'd be used to it by now, it's something we've been paying every 6 months since we got together, but I still never manage to get on top of it in time to keep us from stressing out about it.

Let's see, what else is going on? Dawn's surgery is on the 22nd, so I'll probably be at the hospital all day that day & part of the next, while we're finding out if she gets to come home or not. She's really scared and nervous about it, so I agreed to be there when she woke up & as she needed me through the day. She has a prolapsed uterus & bladder, so she's having a hysterectomy & having her bladder put back into place. I just hope that she will feel better when it's all done, she's been in so much pain over the past few months.

Good Times

The movie last night was good (Hancock). I had no idea what it was about other than there was a superhero that no one liked, so it was all a surprise to me. I had just about everything in it that, to me, makes up a good movie. We all did a lot of laughing, which is always a good sign. We kind of have a tradition, where shortly after Faire, we all go to a movie together. This year it was only Dawn, Dave, Troy & I, but it was fun, nonetheless. It all depends on who has money to go at the time.

Dave will be leaving on Thursday afternoon, so I want to get Troy over there to see him for awhile after he gets off work tonight, since he won't see him again until next year. Dawn & I will take him to Las Vegas in the morning, we'll have lunch & I'll drop him off at the airport.

I plan to be a lot thinner by the next time he sees us, even if I have to start taking Phentermine without a prescription or something similar. I'm done being the fat chick in our group and done feeling terrible all the time.

Yay!

After a lot of confusion and disappointment, my laptop arrived here this afternoon, safe & sound. As of this morning, we were told that it wasn't going to be here until Friday, because it had been sent on a truck to Denver & was on it's way back to Salt Lake City & then on to here. I was pretty angry about it, after all, it was shipped on the 6th & I was getting pretty impatient about the whole thing.

Right now, I'm uploading stuff & charging my battery, so that I can take it out into the living room & spend time with Troy out there. I'm planning to install Guild Wars on it, pretty soon, too, so that when we play, we can talk instead of worrying about having to type all the time.

So, yay! We're going to the movies tonight to see Hancock, I hope it's good.

Just Relaxing

After a very busy faire week, I'm just kind of taking it easy & relaxing this week. It was so hot last week that I rarely felt like eating until we got home at night. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, since not eating makes me lose weight & then I look like I've been taking Anoretix, so I'm not complaining. It cooled off very nicely at the end of the week, which would have been great if it hadn't also brought heavy rains & wind.

So, our little faire ended a little bit early, since the vendors decided that clearing off on Saturday afternoon was better than going through what had happened the night before. Believe me, I was right there with them, since I almost lost my entire soap stock in the rain storm on Friday night. We had a pretty good after party & a lot of people attended, which is always a good thing. I'm still waiting for my laptop to get here, it was shipped on the 6th, but isn't due here until today or tomorrow, so we'll see. I did get my mouse & the sleeve I ordered for it & am pretty excited to get it.

Ahhh... Young Love.. errr... Divorce

As most of you know, my best friend's daughter Morgan got pregnant when she was just shy of 17, had her baby, Elyssabeth at 17, got married a few months later at 18. This was last November. She really did nothing but gripe & complain from that day on. If she wasn't complaining about Roger, it was his sister, or his mom or the layout of the house, or whatever she could think of to vent about that day. It got so bad that we automatically started giving her 5 minutes & then would stop her, we just couldn't take it anymore.

About a month ago, she took off for Salt Lake, in their uninsured car with no drivers' license, without telling Roger anything & left the baby, too. She came back a couple of days later & he took her out to his mom's vehicle & drove her to Dawn's house, telling her he wanted a divorce. No one blamed him, at all. There had been a certain degree of cheating on her part & no one is sure how far that went, and she wasn't even trying anymore (I know he's probably considering DNA testing at this point, but is also afraid she isn't his).

He has custody of Beth, she sees the baby every other weekend, but doesn't seem to miss her or even want to have her around. We picked her up a couple of weeks ago & she was soaking wet & filthy when we did. She was also dehydrated, so that diaper had to be on her for awhile. She isn't understanding, in light of this why Roger is asking for full custody of Beth & telling her she is an unfit mother. Did she honestly believe that Beth would just take care of herself while she chatted on the computer?

Getting Closer

Well, I got Dave picked up in Vegas yesterday, and didn't get any of us killed in the traffic, so that's a good thing. I managed to be almost recovered from whatever bug I had on Friday, so I wasn't entirely miserable on the way back & forth. This morning, I finished sewing a set of walls, sewed a canopy & got our key to the faire storage trailers. All I have left to do is one set of walls, which I need to even out before I sew, a chemise and two overskirts for my niece.

I do have a couple of bodices that need repairing, but that can be done while sitting somewhere & BSing, honestly, so I'll take them with me tonight & get them done. We have a plan for setup this year that will help us immensely with tear down, so I'm really hoping that works out for us. One thing I really want to do, for Troy & I is to go & clean our storage unit out after Faire so we can have space to put all of our own personal stuff, like my booth and stuff like that. We have things in there that we haven't used for years, like old exercise equipment, encyclopedia sets that are years, if not decades, out of date. I'm sure there are old toys of the kids, and probably clothes and shoes, too. We could probably actually start using it if we did that.

Too Much on My Mind

There has been too much bad news in the past month. In June, a young man that we've known since he was 10 or 11 died in his sleep. He was only 23. He was an Iraqi Freedom vet & was struggling with PTSD. We were all just stunned & so very saddened by this loss of life. We worked with him for years at the renaissance faire & Troy & I are on the faire board with his parents.

This past Sunday, we found out that a girl we've all known for years, Kilynna Blake, was brutally murdered along with her 2 year old son, Dayan & fiance, Brock Branson. They were the victims of Nicholas Sheley, in his killing spree last week.

Yesterday, I found out that my dad has prostate cancer. His doctor says it's a non-aggressive strain & that he can be cured, that it won't take a lot of chemo to do it & that he'll likely live another 20 years. But. This is my daddy. I'm not ready to face his mortality, not at all.

There are too many things that need to be done & not enough time to do them. I need to find time next week, in all of the faire chaos, to take Rhi to the grocery store & teach her how to get the best buy for her money. They run out of food way too quickly and never seem to have enough to eat.

I'm sick. I need rest, quiet and relaxation, but I don't see myself getting any, not in the next 8 or 9 days, at any rate.

I Hate Waiting

I'm still waiting for my laptop to be shipped. I know when it's scheduled for shipment, but that doesn't make the wait any easier. I remember when we were waiting for our desktops to be shipped last fall. Troy's got here first & mine wasn't scheduled to be shipped for another week, man, was I angry about it. It's pretty funny, really.

My nice ViewSonic monitor got here a couple of days before my actual computer did, which made it even harder. The day it finally arrived wasn't a good one around here, Troy had called me right before it got her to tell me his boss had changed his work schedule after 12 years & that there was nothing we could do about it. I was probably more devastated than I should have been, but I hate feeling out of control in my own life, you know? I didn't even hook my new computer up until the next day, I don't think.

At this point, I'm hoping the laptop will ship when it says it will & not sooner, because we don't want them trying to deliver it during faire next week. That would create all sorts of scheduling hassles, since neither of us can really just leave the park for a day to wait for it.

More Babies

We finally got to see our friend Mindy's baby boy, Grady, last night. He was 3 weeks early & is so very tiny. We're still waiting to see little Phoebe, who was born about 2 weeks after Grady, but hopefully we'll be able to soon. There were three little ones born in our troth this past spring, starting with Cerridwyn on the first day of Spring.

We have another baby due in our group of friends in 7 weeks, and her baby shower is on the same day that Dawn, Melissa & I are heading for Las Vegas (the baby is Dawn's cousin Jeremy's), so we can't go. I need to get some stuff together for a gift basket to send with Dawn's daughter, Cherokee, when she goes to it.

Then the final baby is due in November or December, I think. It'll be our friends Gary & Summer's first boy & we're all pretty excited about it. They have two little girls already, and were really wanting a boy this time.

I love seeing all of the new babies, they are each so precious and special to us all, it's an exciting time in our troth & these little ones just add to it.

Big Box Stores

So, when your husband (or wife) drags you out to the big box home improvement stores, what do you do to pass the time while they're looking at the boring stuff? I really love looking at all of the new appliances that I can't afford, myself. I stand in there & lust over those pretty fridges & wish I had one half as nice.

I also like to visit the home lighting section. I have a long list of fixtures I want when I'm not renting anymore & I seem to add to them each time I go & look at more. From wall sconces to ceiling fans with lights, I love them all.

I have spent a lot of time in the outdoor living areas, too, simply because I like to look at all of the neat things they make to put in yards, like gazebos, benches and bird feeders. I do intend to have some of these things, eventually. I just can never seem to bring myself to spend money on them, you know?

So, what do you do? What are your favorite things to look at?

Turmoil

Why does all of the inter-group chaos have to start right before renne faire every year? First, I have my step-niece stealing art on DeviantArt, claiming it's her own & selling it on MySpace. If I confront her, it'll start a big family war again & I don't think any of us really want that.

Next we have a member of our faire guild who thinks that the suns rises & sets because of her & that it's all my fault that the world doesn't recognize that. She sits around and trash talks me to two of my best friends & expects that it isn't going to get back to me, and at the same time is telling each of them a different story, thinking they won't compare notes when she leaves. She will argue about the color of the sky, as long as it's me who says it's blue. I honestly believe that if I or Troy told her she needed laptop memory, she'd run out and buy desktop memory. I'm pretty much finished with her. I'm so tired of the immature crap that she keeps tossing out at us, I just don't have time to deal with it anymore.

I'm honestly just hoping that nothing else starts brewing in the next two weeks.

Curiousity

Our niece, Kelsey just graduated, too & I noticed a picture of her on my sister-in-law's MySpace, where she's lying on the couch with a passport next to her. I've been wondering ever since if she's spending the summer abroad, going on a senior trip out of the country or what. We're not incredibly close, so I feel like asking her would be a little invasive, so I guess I'll just wonder a while longer.

I wish we could have afforded to send Rhi somewhere fun after graduation, but she seems to be having a pretty good summer, in spite of having a full-time job and the responsibilities of a home of her own. She did apply to the local university & make an appointment to take her ACT, which is a step in the right direction for her & I'm very proud of her for it. Hopefully, other things will start to come together for her as well.

Happy Summer!

Wow, the longest day of the year already. Time has really been flying since graduation, but we've all managed to get quite a bit done in that amount of time, too. We've completely redone the thrones for our renaissance faire, I've made quite a few signs to sell, I helped Dawn make a pattern for Jason's vest, we screen-printed 200 t-shirts and celebrated Father's Day.

We got a bunch of the signs that get put up at faire redone, so they can actually be read now and aren't just taking up space. They look really nice now. Today, I need to go & buy some blue paint so we can finish up the bench Dawn sits on and then I think we'll be finished with all of that. Oh, yeah, we redid the top of the table we use for the watermelon & pie-eating contests, too. It looks so much better than it did! I'm excited to show the rest of the board of directors what everything looks like now.

This coming weekend, I need to run a check on Jason's computer memory to make sure that's not the problem on his computer, we have our summer solstice celebration with our troth and more work, I'm sure. I still need to get the walls cut for our encampment & I'm hoping to do that later today. I'll also cut out my bloomers & get them ready for sewing while I'm at it. A lot of this we have to get finished before the 1st, since Dawn has surgery then & I need her help for a lot of it.

Blinded by the Light

My computer sits on a little built-in, corner vanity type thing, here in my trailer. On both of the walls that make up my little corner are windows, so it gets really cold in here in the winter (and sometimes it's hot in the summer). The worst thing is that I only have curtains on one of the windows, and it's apparently the wrong one. I was sitting in here yesterday evening, trying to play a game & kept getting blinded by the light creeping through the mini-blinds on the other window. No matter where I moved, I could see anything on the left of my screen, and if I could, the light was in my eyes, giving me a headache.

I finally got fed up & grabbed a fleece throw & hung it up over the blinds & that solved the problem, but Troy sure looked at it funny when he came in after work! I'm really enjoying the fact that I can actually see everything on my screen now, and really don't care what it looks like. No one ever comes in here but Troy & I anyway.

Hump Day

Things are still pretty busy & hectic around here. I took Dawn to her doctor's appointment on Monday, he didn't do the biopsy then, but did schedule one for Thursday. He is trying to convince her that a hysterectomy isn't the way to go & she's getting pretty frustrated about it, because she's more than ready to be finished with all of that.

That morning, we also got some very bad news, I'm just not really ready to talk about it. Just know that we're all alright & that it isn't about any of my kids or anything.

Last night, Troy said "screw waiting on the IRS" and ordered me a laptop from Dell. I'm really excited about it, I'll be able to work & play in the living room now & won't feel so lonely back here by myself when he's at home. It's really nice, I got it in flamingo pink, with a matching wireless mouse, a cool case & about twice as much system memory as my desktop has. We decided that we'd use our stimulus check for a new TV instead of my laptop.

I also ordered a beautiful sari skirt that was shipped yesterday. I can't wait to get it! Yeah, I'm still angry with Rhi & the way she treated me yesterday, and I haven't seen her or spoken to her since then, so we'll see what her excuse was when I do see her. I'm hoping the interview she had yesterday pans out & she getst he job, something permanent would be nice for her.

Wow.

I thought life was supposed to mellow out in the Summer & get less busy. I guess I was wrong. Rhi got moved out on May 23 & really loves being on her own & the freedom she has because of it. I'm proud of her & so happy that she got out on her own & is making her own way in the world. She's working for a temp/employment agency at the local Styrofoam factory & she really loves it. The company keeps requesting her, so I know she's doing a good job.

Erin is.. somewhere? He called me a couple of days ago to tell me he was still in town, but that's the last I heard. It seems sometimes that he doesn't even have the ambition to do the things he wants to do, you know? Garrett is back home, working on his movie & apparently too busy to talk to us very much.

I have to take Dawn for a biopsy tomorrow. I know she's worried & scared, but I also know she isn't showing it. I think I need to take her on a walk by ourselves this evening & let her talk about it, away from her kids. Her oldest just split with her husband, so sh has that stress & worry on top of everything else, so it just seems to never end.

That's life right now. How's yours?