Nervousness

Erin's in court right now with Troy. I just couldn't bring myself to go this time, for so many reasons. I spent the first 16 months of his life in & out of court, trying to prove that I was good enough to be his mother & trying to convince a judge that I wasn't going to screw his life up. I've been back several times for various reasons over the years, not to mention the times I went with Rhi. I think Troy was with me for one of those little visits. I kind of felt like it was his turn.

Going to court when your child has broken the law & you know they have (when you don't believe that they're innocent) is very hard. Prosecutors say whatever they think will help them win & send the alleged criminal to jail, the police color their version of whatever event is was to favor themselves & their actions - it's not wrong, it's just that they only know what they think happened & not who the person involved really is. It's so hard to sit there & listen to the horrible things they say about someone you love, especially when you know that person & who they really are. Sometimes I have to study the bench in front of me or the door hardware pretty intensely to keep myself from opening my mouth.

I'm pretty nervous that he won't be coming home today, because part of the reason he's in there today is because he was unable to pay a fine. If he didn't paid it, there was a 6 month suspended sentence attached to it that he'll have to serve. He's also pleading guilty to underage alcohol consumption. He has an additional failure to appear (which was kind of our fault, that being the Friday Troy got sick & ended up in the ICU) that has to be dealt with & I think another paraphernalia charge. At any rate, the bench warrants that out on him are expired now. I hate this so much, I really hope we don't have to go through this anymore after this is all taken care of, I just want it to be done & for him to have learned a valuable lesson.

I should be hearing from Troy pretty soon, he remembered to take his phone with him. It's taking longer than I thought it would, so it might not be going well. I need to stop thinking about it, I'm making myself sick.