Monday, May 28, 2012

A Little Different

So, she's still in jail. Yes, they reset her probation again, and at this rate, she'll be on it for the rest of her life, but the judge gave her a choice between serving her 0-5 year prison sentence or going to an inpatient rehab program. She chose the rehab option, but I don't have a lot of faith in her staying sober after she gets out of it, or even finishing it, really. Nothing's going to work for her until she's really ready to accept that she does, in fact, have a problem & that it's killing her. She also has to care that it's a problem that's killing her. Right now, she's so locked into her lies & manipulation that she can't see that she's the one in the wrong. Anyway, that's the latest that I know, she'll be in jail until they transfer her to rehab.

The other day, Troy & were talking about online piracy and whether it's any different than what we've all done over the years. I know he & I used to tape songs from the radio, albums or other people's tapes. I had a boyfriend who had access to one of those Multitrack Recorders and used to take an album & make a reel-to-reel recording of it, then another one onto cassette tape. Those were amazing recordings. That way, the album could stay safe & many copies could be made of the tape, so we didn't worry about wearing them out.

Nowadays, people burn mix CDs and give them to friends and family, download mp3s from torrent sites and all of that, but is it really that different? Is it really costing artists that much more money than it used to? In my experience, the people who have always resorted to any of these activities don't have the money to buy the music (or whatever) and would be borrowing it, or having a friend copy it or something as opposed to buying it anyway, so there's no money being lost there. I guess when people who can afford it & would have bought it in teh past resort to piracy then money is lost, but I just don't see that happening that often.

Monday, May 07, 2012

The Hits Just Keep on Coming & Coming

Yes, yes they do. I did tell our daughter not to come on Saturday unless she was on her medication, sober & wearing clothing that fit her. Apparently, that was far too much for me to ask & she exploded all over me, pretty much telling me to get out of her life, but in fewer words. She was stunned when I told her not to contact me anymore and even more stunned when I didn't reply to her when she tried to.

She resorted to her old standby of threatening to kill herself, but she did it to a person that isn't related to her & didn't know she was being manipulated, all that really ended up doing for our daughter was getting her put in the hospital for the day & then, eventually jail for another probation violation. I have no doubt at all that she'll be released again & have her probation reset again and that it'll all start over again.

I'm so tired of it all, I feel like curling up on the couch with a goofy movie, some coffee & a pint of ice cream. I wonder if I can find a good dvd discount somewhere, the gods know we're too broke to rent anything other wise!

Friday, May 04, 2012

Just So Tired

There are days when I just can't take it anymore. The little drunk in the family manages to remain the center of attention by continuing to drink. She upsets me, she upsets her brother, she upsets her father. She herself? She's 10 feet tall & bulletproof. My husband is at the place where I was a year ago, blaming himself, feeling like he can change her "if only." I'm not sure what his "if only" is, mine was "if only I show her enough praise & attention." It didn't work, because it wasn't my fault in the first place, it's her fault. She got plenty of love, attention & praise growing up. I think we blame ourselves for these things because it's puts us back in a place of control: if it's our fault, then we can fix it. So, we end up setting ourselves up for failure because none of that is true.

No one gets sober unless they are truly ready & willing.

No one forces anyone else to pick up that drink, time & time again.

All any of his self-blame does is make our marriage sad & lonely, because he's focused on what he did wrong or how he should be able to fix everything and never smiles or enjoys himself anymore. I'm really at the point where I'm not going to even mention her anymore, at least not to him. I'm really dreading tomorrow, since she's supposed to be here for our Beltane rites. I'm half tempted to just tell her not to come if she's been drinking, that no one wants to be be around her when she isn't sober. I hate this. I'm so tired of this life, I want the one I briefly had, while she was in jail, back.