Far From Home

Erin had a good time at the Rainbow Gathering, then he took off for Michigan to meet some people, so they could go somewhere else. Virginia I think, but I can't remember what for. I miss him & I worry about him, especially when he tells me he tried to hop a train & almost died, but there isn't really anything I can do except wait for the next phone call telling me where he is & that he's okay. I wish he'd figure out what he wants to do with his life & get started on that, no matter where it is, even if it's driving a tuck for the best moving companies Los Angeles has to offer, as long as he's settled & in one place, I'd be satisfied.

Rhi had a rough week at faire & in life in general. She isn't happy in the relationship she's in & neither is he, honestly, but neither of them will let go & move on. I think each of them is hoping the other will magically change & become the person they thought they were involved with. She was acting out quite a bit, she left the booth & Justin there so she could go & get high & then couldn't understand why I'd be pissed off. She stayed one other night & was a little wild that night, too, so I'm thinking I can't rely on her to stay in my booth & act like the adult she is, so I'll have to stay there myself or find someone else to.

I do wonder at times where I went wrong, but I guess I can't blame myself for all of their choices forever, they are, after all, adults.

Kittens!

I got up this morning & went out of the bedroom to find Booger all curled up with Tiny on the blanket outside the door. She kept looking up at me, so I bent down to pet her & noticed that she there were kittens in there with her! We knew she was getting close to having them, I just wasn't expecting it today. There are 5 right now & since she's sleeping, I'm pretty sure she's done. She's doing a good job & taking care of them & the other cats are very curious, but not aggressive. She isn't letting them get too close yet, of course. They're so cute & I can't wait to see them in a few days.

We've already had a busy weekend, and it's only Sunday morning. We went to Dawn's birthday party yesterday & had a ton of fun with all of our friends, before that we went & picked up the bakery donations for faire & dropped them off (for the pie-eating contest & cakewalk), went to the store to get some stuff for the party & I cooked some pulled pork. Today we're heading out to my parents' house to celebrate Father's Day, since my brother & sister-in-law had to go to a memorial last week.

Boy, I'd really love to have an iPhone. I have no use for an iPod, really, but I love the phone. when I see all of the cool iPhone accessories & applications, I get gadget envy so bad & start wishing my cell phone provider was cool enough to carry them. It's not, so I guess I'll never have one, but I can dream, can't I?

Anyway, I need to shower & start getting ready to go, I hope all of you have a great Sunday!

So Busy!

So that I've been scarce around here, faire is two weeks away & we're in the middle of the hurry-scurry right now. I've spent most of my days for over a week, back in the bedroom either packaging & pricing things or making entirely new products as i get more ideas & more excited. I wish I had some nice displays now, even cardboard displays would do at this point, but that'll have to wait until next year, I'm pretty much out of time for that this time around.

Erin made it to the Rainbow Gathering & is having a lot of fun, working hard & getting the camp ready for the thousands who will converge on it next week. We have friends who may be going to the Gathering, so he might get a chance to see them while they're all there. I'm happy that he's doing what he loves & having a good time, although I am afraid that he'll be going to jail when he gets home. I just wish we could all get passed that stuff & be able to move on.

Rhi moved to St. George this week & then back to Cedar City the next day. I guess the living conditions where she moved were pretty bad & she really missed being near everyone that she loves. I'm supposed to be taking her out today to look for a job, i'm really hoping she'll find something this time.

That's about it, things are busy, but not much really changes.

Stuff

Erin called me this morning, he made it to Pueblo last night & is safely with Garrett. That feels so strange to me, to know both of my boys are in that city, together again & I'm not. Erin's never been in Pueblo without me there before. I hope they're having a terrific time together, I know that Garrett has wanted him to come out & visit for a long time, so hopefully they'll make the best of their time together.

Rhi didn't make it to her test yesterday, but she did go talk to her recruiter & asked him for help with the math & he gave her a packet to practice on & directed her the online practice tests, then rescheduled her test for a week down the road, promising her a practice test before the real thing, so that she could keep trying if she doesn't get it figured out by then. That all made her feel a lot better about it.

I got a chuckle today at the store with Dawn. Two very thing, teenage girls were standing around in the diet aids section, discussing which one was the most effective diet pill, get this, not because either of them thought they needed it, but so they'd know after they got older & had kids. I laughed to myself at the notions kids have, and the idea that everything would be exactly the same as far as products go by that point in their lives & they think they'll be so fat after childbirth that they'll have to do something about it. I wasn't really overweight by more than a few poiunds until Rhi was 5 or so, so it definitely wasn't being pregnant that did it. I was relieved that they weren't worrying about it right now, since they were both skinny, it just struck me as funny.

A Resolution of Sorts

We're moving slowly past the whole mess of last week. While it didn't exactly go in our favor & we are now more in debt, at least we didn't lose any more money than we did. Our credit union let us take out a signature loan for the amount of the money orders, so that we could pay the money back to them. It ended up coming out of our savings account, which was a relief, as they started hitting on Troy's payday & we would have lost his check & not been able to take care of our living expenses if it had come out of that account.

I did have a few days last week that I wasn't able to eat, which I guess, in the long run, won't hurt, but over an extended period isn't good for weight loss nor is it healthy. I've been losing nicely & walking every day, so keeping track of what I eat & making sure it's the right amount has been important to me. I was asked the other day if I was taking something like Lipovox, but I'm not, just being active & watching what I eat. I'm just hoping the stress is done for now.

Erin is gone. He left for Colorado the day before yesterday & plans to visit with Garrett for a bit before he heads down to New Mexico for the next few weeks. I hope he stays safe & has a good time, I always worry about him when he goes on his little adventures, but I know it won't help anything or make him any safer.

Rhi is trying to join the National Guard, but is very nervous about taking the ASVAB today, so who knows if she'll follow through or not. I hope she does, she needs a little hope in her life right now & being able to sign up would do that for her. She'd have insurance during basic & AIT at any rate, and be earning money & taking care of herself for the most part. I just hope she doesn't let fear control her this time.

So, that's about all that's going on right now, as far as the kids.

Stress Overload

There are just things that happen in our lives that we would never have foreseen, you know? I thought we were pretty up on the latest scams & good at listening to our guts when we encounter a job or something else, but I'm telling you, I had an epic fail this week. An expensive epic fail.

I mentioned last week that Rhi had a job, well, it sounded 100% legitimate when she approached me with it, she sent me the email, I read it, no alarms went off in my head. She was being hired to be a "mystery shopper." She did her first job, which consisted of her cashing 3 moneygram money orders, taking her commission out of the money & then wiring the rest to another mystery shopper, who's address they provided. She was supposed to review the whole experience, from how long it took, to what the customer service was like. It sounded legit. She has no bank account, so I had to use mine to cash them.

She got an identical job this week, but the money orders were larger. The alarms instantly started going off, for all of us, then later yesterday, we found out that the money orders were counterfeit & that we're now liable for over 2k. As most of you know, if you've been reading here for very long, money isn't at a surplus for us, and that most of the time, we struggle just to get everything paid.

Now I worry that we'll end up losing everything over this, that we won't be able to pay the rent or the bills. The stress is killing us. We're trying to borrow the money from my inlaws, but haven't heard anything. If they can't loan it to us, we're hoping the bank will help us. This is just not how I wanted to spent the next few weeks, worrying, getting sick & stressing out. I'm so sad now.

Mellow Times

Things with the kids seem to have mellowed out considerably since the last time I posted. Erin is still rarely here, but I've stopped worrying so much & realized that he leaves me visual clues to tell me that he's here. If he comes home at night, he hangs his hoodie on the hooks by the door, or leaves his shoes where I can see them the next morning. He really does hate to worry me & tries to go out of his way to make sure I don't & I truly appreciate that.

Rhi is out of meds as of today, but she's finally working & gets paid by the job. She has another job tomorrow & should be able to pay for her prescriptions on her own. She, too, was trying to help me not worry about her well-being. She can do it as long asthat's the first thing she does after getting paid. She can do really well with this job if she saves her money & doesn't blow it all, her commission is quite nice, especially in light of the fact that she does very little actual work as far as time spent goes. She got to go up to Salt Lake City this past week for a couple of days with her best friend, Caela & they had a ball! She got to go ice skating & shopping, out to eat and all of that fun stuff. She bought a paid of neon yellow & black plaid pants that she loves & even put bright colors in her hair again. I did have to go pick her up last night from the movies, they went to see "Drag me to Hell," and it was just too much for her. I didn't mind & no one should have to sit through a movie they aren't enjoying.

We have a friend (of sorts) who's pregnant. She's currently living with her husband on his truck (he's a truck-driver) because she & his ex-wife got into an argument & she isn't allowed in the house anymore. Apparently, he goes inside & just leaves his wife out in the truck, which I don't agree with, but it isn't really my business. I guess they're moving back to the Carolinas soon, I'm not sure if they'll be looking for Wilmington NC real estate or something similar or going back to South Carolina where her parents are, but I wish them the best of luck, moving out here wasn't the best choice for their marriage, honestly.

Worry

I can tell that it's summer around here, I haven't really seen Erin for two days & until I got up this morning & noticed his jacket was gone I was worried that something had happened to him. I hate to think the worst of him, you know, but sometimes when we haven't heard from him, I start to worry that he's dead in his room, and while that fear acts like the best appetite suppressant on the market, it's just not healthy for me to have to think that way. I'm just hoping, that since he's started to talk about wanting to go to college, that he'll start to find himself & get back on track. He's a great person, I just wish he could see that. He gets bored so easily & as soon as that happens he's game to try & do almost anything to end the boredom & that really scares me.

Rhi is being pretty quiet these days, too. I'm not sure if it's because she's still mad at us, or if she's up to things she doesn't want us to know about or if she's depressed again. Any of those things could very well be true, as she acts the same way in each of those cases, it could be a combination of them, too. I know she's out of her meds, unless someone else paid for them for her, so I worry about that, too.

It feels like it's going to be anothe summer of stress & worry about my kids. I hope it won't be & they get their stuff together & start to meet their potential. I only want them to be happy & successful in whatever they choose to be & do. I don't push them, I don't pry into their lives, but at the same time, I don't want them to fail at life, either. So, I guess we'll see what the coming months have to offer for all of us.

Realistic or Just Cynical

The last time I posted on a Monday, I talked about how becoming a parent changed who I was forever, which is very true. There are times when I wonder if the change was for the better, though. Until a few years ago, in my mind anything my kids did was because they were still growing, maturing & learning & they didn't mean the things they said or what they did.

I no longer believe that.

Over the past two or three years I've come to accept that whatever my daughter says to me, no matter how much she apologizes later, is the truth as she sees it & that she definitely means it. She can put it down to having a bad day or forgetting to take her meds, but I know that she does hate me & everything to do with me. I know that no matter what I do or say to try to change that, I can't. I also know that after the past weekend, I won't be giving her anymore birthday parties or inviting her to go away with us anywhere.

I'm not sure if this latest change makes me a realist or just cynical, but it sure has helped me deal with my own guilt that our relationship is perfect, or even, most of the time, comfortable. Currently I don't trust her at all & that's really sad to say about your own child, but it's so true.

Manic Monday

Play along!

If you could completely redecorate any room in your house at no expense to you, what room would you choose? The kitchen, without a doubt.I hate that room more than any other in this place.

Which hour of the day do you feel goes the slowest? The one right before whatever time it is that we're leaving to go somewhere.

If your birthday could be in a different month of the year, when would you have it? Sometime in the late spring or early summer, so I could have an outside party or something. I hate it being in January.

Camping Time!

Vacations with your kids don't have to be expensive to be memorable to them. You don't have to take them to the latest & greatest them park, or a resort with 5 swimming pools or even travel very far at all. You can look for mid-week deals on hotels that are fairly close by & take a few mini-vacations during the summer, you can go camping at a nearby campground or take a few day trips to museums & attractions that are in towns close to you.

We haven't had very many "real vacations" during the past 18 years, or at least what a lot of people would call real vacations, our kids have never been to Disneyland, Universal Studios or even summer camp or any type, but we have had a lot of camping trips with them, we took a 3 or 4-day trip to Las Vegas & paid mid-week rates (Las Vegas in a 2 1/2 hour drive for us) on our room. They don't feel like they missed anything by taking simple vacations, and neither do I, since they were the same type I grew up on.

Even now that our kids are grown, we still look forward to the warm months & camping season, and often look for occasions to celebrate as an excuse to take off for the weekend. We just got back from a camping trip to celebrate Rhi's 19th birthday (which is a whole other story on it's own) and have already started planning the next trip, which will, hopefully be a lot less drama filled.

So, instead of going into debt to give your kids the "vacation of a lifetime," why not plan a weekend camping trip to celebrate their soccer trophies instead? It will be just as memorable to them, cost you less money & you'll actually get to spend more quality time together as a family. Yes, it's dirty & a lot more messy than other options, but honestly, that what showers are for.

Unconcious Mutterings

Play along!

1. Vex :: Irk
   
2. Relapse :: Backslide
   
3. Twinkle :: Star
   
4. Crawls :: Baby
   
5. Optimistic moment :: Aha!
   
6. Cage :: Fight
   
7. Superwoman :: Batgirl
   
8. Personal :: Private
   
9. Vapor :: Vicks
   
10. Grocery store :: Pay day
    

Wow.

That was a much longer break than I had intended. I got all of my computer issues situated finally, I think. *knocks on wood* Now I can concentrate on blogging & getting ready for summer & faire.

There isn't a lot going on with the kids right now, Erin isn't around much, but that's becoming fairly normal. He went camping last week with a family from the tribe & said he had a great time, which is always good. He got a notice in the mail the other day saying that his drivers' license had been suspended indefinitely due to his minor consumption conviction (he doesn't even have a DL), which amused all of us a little bit. He goes to court again a week from today for an arraignment, and I'm hoping this will be the last series of court dates he's dealing with, although I seriously doubt it.

Rhi had two interviews yesterday & felt pretty good about both of them, so hopefully, she'll get one of the jobs. She really needs something so she can pay for her medication & start saving to get out on her own again. She's having a dilemma in her love life right now, where she isn't sure she wants to stay with the guy she's with or start something new with a guy she has a crush on. I have my own opinions on the situation, but won't say, since it isn't my life or my heart, but I hope she figures it out pretty soon & stops tormenting herself.

We're taking Rhi, her best friend & her boyfriend camping this weekend to celebrate her birthday (which was the 7th), Dawn, Jason & her kids are coming with us, so it should be a pretty fun time. I intend to take my books & just enjoy myself & relax for awhile.

There is another huge thing going on in my life right now, but I'll keep it to mysef until we can actually get it going & it gets approved, before I risk the opinion of the world at large. Let's just say that my life will change entirely if it all works out.

Friday.. Funday?

It probably won't be all that fun, honestly. It's grocery shopping day, which always wears me out, especially since I just went with Dawn last night to help her take care of her own.

I finally got Rhi's birthday gift ordered - a day after her birthday. That's okay, she knew it was going to be late & actually knows what it is, so it's no big surprise or anything. We're taking her camping next weekend for her "party," and that's kind of part of her gift, too.

Erin is camping this weekend with some people that we know, although it beats me as to why they invited him. It's not like they spend time with him or anything, or have even seem him for months, but whatever.

The furkids are all well, Tiny is still excited to get outside every day & "guard the neighborhood." She won't let me do anything else until I take her out. The cats go crazy for the first 2 hours I'm out here & then they sleep for most of the day, it's pretty funny to watch.

Anyway, I need to wake Troy & get groceries.

Wow.

Yesterday completely went to waste. I tried to print some things, the printer wasn't working on my computer & Troy spent the rest of the day trying to fix it. I decided a few days ago that I was going to do all of my typing on my desktop, because my laptop's stupid touchpad is too sensitive & makes workig on it impossible, so no typing at all yesterday.

So, anyway, here I am, back on Tuesday. We're still trying to figure out a way to pay for Rhi's meds, since she turns 19 in two days & has no insurance. I went through all of major drugstore's web sites today, lookig at their $4 drugs, and the dosage she takes of fluoextine (generic for Prozac) isn't listed anywhere, the generic for her Depakote isn't on anyone's list & apparently Walgreens discoutinued their $4 plan & opted for one you have to pay for.

So we still have no idea what to do about it. I'm not going to worry about her birth control, I don't feel like that should be my responsibility anymore, as much as I love her & don't think she should have children, it should be her job to make sure it doesn't happen, not mine.

Erin goes to court in a couple of weeks & we'll see what happens then. I'm sure it'll just be him pleading not guilty & asking for a lawyer, I can't see anything else happening. I honestly wishe he'd just stay out of trouble before he ends up in jail.

Ten on Tuesday

Play Along!

10 Awesome Bands!

1. Tiger Army
2. Social Distortion
3. Flogging Molly
4. Dropkick Murphys
5. Green Day
6. Rancid
7. Unwritten Law
8. Goo Goo Dolls
9. Smashmouth
10. Bouncing Souls

Wrapping it Up

It seemed like a tough week around here, it was probably just two or three days that were tough, though. I honestly think any week where I end it sick is a bad one.

Let's see.. aside from his scare earlier in the week, Erin had a pretty good one. He got to spent a lot of time with his friends, which doesn't happen often. A couple of his friends got an apartment, so he was able to spend time helping them move & hanging out over there. He still hasn't found a job & hasn't really decided what he's doing this summer, but that typical for him. He kind of takes life as it comes.

Rhi has had a bad week. She ran out of her meds on Monday, but I forgot about it until the pharmacy was closed. By the time she got her meds she was closing in on 24 hours without them & then she forgot to take them when she got home. She's okay for a little while without the Prozac, but you know it as soon as the Depakote wears off, and it's all screaming, cursing & hate. She was still out of it the next evening, or she was trying to show me what life will be like after this prescription runs out & I'm not paying for them anymore. She's going to be even angrier with me when she finds out that I don't think her birth control pills are a matter of life & death & refuse to pay for them, too.

That's about it, she's still trying to find a job, beut I think she's blowing off voc rehab & school, so who knows. It's not my place to ask & if I do, it'll just start another fight.

Saturday 9: Settling the Score

Play along!

1. Do you feel that you have “a score to settle” with anyone? Probably one person. I'm usually pretty laid back & just let things roll off my back, but I think there's one.

2. Do you own anything that you think is unbreakable? No, I think just about anything can be broken eventually.

3. Tell us about a crazy thing you did in high school. I did a lot of crazy things in high school. I got drunk with some friends once & almost slid down the dikes & into the Arkansas river, that was pretty crazy.. and scary.

4. Name the one talent of yours that you think is the best. I'm pretty good at making my ideas into reality.

5. Who wins American Idol? (if you don’t watch, tell us about a reality show that you do follow.) I haven't been watching, probably Adam, he'll get the estrogen vote.

6. What is your favorite movie in black & white? The Maltese Falcon

7. What is one thing advertised too much on TV? Male-Enhancement products.

8. What is your current favorite TV drama? Dexter, Southland or In Plain Sight

9. What is your current favorite TV comedy? Californication

It's a Furry Friday

Tiny is about halfway through her "spring molt." That means that we have dog hair everywhere in the house. Everything that I've worn for the last week is coated in dog hair. These times are the only ones I ever regret having a dog. I hate having hair in & on everything.

I need Troy to go out there with her today & use the "furminator" on her (it's not a real one, thus the quotes) and then it'll hopefully be finished. She's been doing really well in the yard this week, she hasn't broken through the skirting again or gotten herself tangled up or anything.

She rarely barks out there now, unless the neighborhood kids start bugging her. They stand where she can see them & taunt her until one of us comes out the door & then they all run off. It's harmless, but it can get really annoying if they do it more than once a day.

The cats have mellowed out a little bit, although Buster sits outside Erin's room & yowls mournfully when he starts missing him, which is fairly often. He didn't sleep here last night, so Bus will head back there & sit, sadly waiting, because I'm sure he's convinced that Erin is in the room.

Friday 5 for May 1

Play along!

1. On May First, 1738, King Kamehameha I was born. What are your impressions of Hawaii? I'd really love to visit Hawaii someday, it looks like a beautiful place. I'd love to see the volcanoes & try some of the delicious looking foods.
   
2. On May First, 1873, Dr. David Livingstone died. When did you last presume something erroneous about someone or something? I so it so often it seems. It probably involved Rhi, it usually does.
   
3. On May First, 1876, Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro debuted. How do you feel about Disney’s animated classic Pinocchio? It's actually one of my favorite Disney movies, and it seems to stay pretty true to the other versions out there, which is a big gripe with Disney for me.
   
4. May First is Walpurgis Night in Sweden and other parts of northern Europe. When did you last sing in front of an audience? A few years ago, my crazy friends made me get up on the stage with them at the Renaissance Faire & we sang I'm a little tea pot with all of the motions. I have no idea why, but we did.
   
5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are a punk rock cover band. What song’s cover version do you like better than its original version? I Believe I Can Fly, when done by Me First & the Gimme Gimmes, which, in my opinion, is the only way to listen to a cover.
   

Randomness

Erin got a bit of a scare the other day in the mail. He got a notice of arraignment in the mail that was post-dated on April 27. The notice stated that his court date was April 24, which meant he didn't show up. So, we were all pretty sure there was another bench warrant out on him & so he called today to find out what he could do. Apparently, whoever made out the papers, but that days date on it & not the actual date of his arraignment, which is May 19. So, that was a relief.

Rhi & I got into another argument last night, over something really stupid. She got a joke on her phone about President Obama, that I had gotten earlier in the day & wasn't amused by. She started to tell it, I told her I'd goten it too & didn't think it was funny. She screamed at me that it wasn't racist & that it was funny, I tried to explain that it didn't matter, it was anti-Obama, I was tired of those kind of jokes & it was my opinion that it wasn't funny. She screamed a little more & left. She did text me later & we worked it out, but it was certainly out of the blue & pointless.

I'm sick again. My back & head ache without ceasing. My eyes are gunked up. I'm trying to decide whetherI want to go out for the first of our Beltane celebrations tonight, or not. I probably will, but will want to come home as soon as possible an then I'll probably fall into bed. Blech.

Booking Through Thursday

Play Along!

Which is worse?

Finding a book you love and then hating everything else you try by that author, or

Reading a completely disappointing book by an author that you love?

For me, I think it's reading a disappointing book by a favorite author, because then I start to worry that they've lost their touch & that everything they write from now on will be crap, then I'll have to find another author that I like as much.. it just goes onn & on.

I have stopped reading a few, at least for awhile after having read two in a row that were disappointing. I usually go back to them, but it sometimes takes years & several recommendations before I do.

Scary Times

I guess the big story in the news right now is all about the Swine Flu outbreak, isn't it? I'm concerned about it, but mostly because my immune system has been screwed up since Troy was in the hospital. We're both afraid that if I get it, I won't survive.

I'm thankful that we live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, but we do get a lot of tourists here, so I guess we have just as much of a chance of having an outbreak here as anyone else does. I think I'd be scared to death if I still had kids in school, just knowing what kind of germs & stuff that they bring home is a cause for concern, anyway, let alone in a time like this.

What about you parents who do have young children? If they're in school do you think you're more concerned? Are you even worried about it, at all? Have you taken any precautions? I don't know if there are any that can be taken. I hadn't paid a lot of attention to it all until last night, and then Troy & I expressed the same sentiment, hoping that I don't get it.

I did read today that the US had it's first casualty in Texas & that the WHO has raised the alert to "pandemic level 5" and stated that a global outbreak is emminent. That's pretty scary.

Wednesday Mind Hump

Play along!

Tell a story about your pets.

Well, I've told a lot of stories about the pets through the years, I'll have to think for a few minutes & try to come up with one tthat I haven't told yet.

It's not really a "story," but ever since the weather has warmed up, we've been taking Tiny outside & letting her stay out there for the day. We had tried this in past years, but she was never happy out there for more than an hour or so, so we didn't have high hopes this time around, either. The first day we had her out there, she had a ball, but Troy was so worried about her he brought her in after about 2 hours. She came in, had something to eat & immediately wanted back out, so we took her back out for another 2 hours or so.

The next morning, she was waiting by our bedroom door & when we came out, she raced to the front door, sat down & waited to go out again. She's been that way every day since then, she just can't wait to get out there.

She got a bit upset a couple of days last week, when it was too cold for her to spend the day out there, but she survived. She was out yesterday until about 9pm & never complained once.

The Status Quo

Things are about the same as they have been for awhile. No one is in jail, all three kids are still speaking to us and none of them are hurt, sick or dying. Some weeks, that's about the best you can hope for, you know?

Rhi's insurance coverage ends soon, so we're concerned about how she'll pay for her medication after that. It's not like she can just stop taking it, she's on Prozac & Depakote for her bi-polar disorder, she needs it, it helps to keep her alive, quite frankly. She's trying like crazy to get a job these days, she knows she has to start paying for it herself & soon, she knows that most of our extra money has been going towards Troy's hospital bill & that we can't just stop paying it. So, I'm worried about her & hoping she'll find something soon. If I could afford to pay for them I would without hesitation, they aren't optional, so you know it's just not in our budget.

Erin is still staying away, but I'm pretty sure that it's mostly because the weather has been much nicer & his friends are wanting to get out & do more things now & he's always up for doing just about anything that isn't staying at home. I think it's great, he's less likely to ddo stupid stuff when he isn't bored.

Garrett's paternal grandmother died on Sunday night & he's having a rough time. He has so many conflicting feelings about her. They were very close when he was little & drifted apart in her later years, when she started being hateful & cruel to everyone around her. He feels sad, guilty & relieved all at the same time. I went through very similar feelings when my own grandmother died last summer, so I can relate to what he's going through & hope he'll come to me if he even just needs to talk.

Ten on Tuesday

10 on Tuesday

10 Words People Would Use to Describe You

1. Funny
2. Caring
3. Generous
4. Modest
5. Loving
6. Laid-back
7. Motherly
8. Intuitive
9. Shy
10. Creative

Back in the Day

Back before I became a mom, or even got pregnant with Garrett, I had decided that I didn't really want any kids. I was young & selfish & was pretty sure I wouldn't be a very good mom & felt like I wouldn't want to give up that much of my freedom for that many years. In my mind, the question was settled, and then I married a man that really wanted a kid. He just wanted one, no more than that. I thought about it for awhile & decided I could handle one kid, that it wouldn't change my life that much & so I agreed.

It didn't take me a terribly long time to get pregnant, but by the time I was four months along, I was pretty sick. My blood pressure shot up, the headaches started & I felt miserable almost all the time. I ended up in the hospital for 2 or 3 weeks before was delivered via emergency c-section. As soon as he was born I knew that I'd give up any amount of my freedom for as long as he wanted me to.

My life changed forever that day, no matter what I thought from that day forward, I knew I wanted to be a mom & that "just one" was never going to be enough for me. I still think it's funny that the stupid kid who never wanted ANY kids left that marriage because ONE wasn't enough. I have never regretted that decision. My kids have brought so much fullness to my life, things that I'd have never had if I hadn't agreed to "just one," let alone all three of them.

Just Another...

Manic Monday!

What's the best summer job you ever had? I was a docent at the Pueblo Childrens' Museum & loved it. It was a hands-on experience for kids called "PAWS" (Pueblo Art Works), so I got to spend my days playing with kids & showing them how to use the exhibits.

Tell me about the worst date you ever went on. I think I was 16 or so & a guy I'd had a crush on at church for years asked me to the movies. I knew he had a girlfriend, so I assumed he had broken up with her & went with him. The movie was horrible, he took me out "parking" after & when I refused to give him sex, he left me there. I saw him the next night with his girlfriend & yelled, "Thanks for last night ______, it was wonderful!" just to get him in trouble & never spoke to him agan after that.

Do you think the age for a driver's license should be raised (currently 16 here in the U.S.)? No, I think it's fine. I do appreciate a lot of the restrictions that have been placed on new drivers in many states, though & think it helps lower the accident rate.

Living on the Cheap

When my children were young, we never seemed to have enough money to take care of everything that need to done. They always had enough food to eat, clothes on their backs (suitable for whatever the weather was), toys to play with & gifts on birthdays & holidays. Sometimes I wonder how we ever managed & if we could go back to living that simply. I doubt we could, but I'd love to try to live at least a little more simply in these days of "economic downturn."

One of the things that I did when mine were little (before they cared what was in style) was to shop all of the end-of-season clearance sales. I would buy things in a size or so larger than they were wearing then & put it away for the next year. That's how I always made sure they had coats & snow boots, and they were always nice ones, too. As they got older, I continued to shop clearance sales, but I put a lot of my purchases back for the holidays & made sure to shop online clearance sales, too. Yes, sometimes they complained that they only time I ever bought them anything was when it was on sale, but they didn't do without anything, either.

Unconcious Mutterings

Play along!

1. Soul :: Food


2. Fold ::Clothes


3. Breakup :: Song


4. Will :: Won't


5. Fond :: Memories


6. Powers :: Super


7. Ho-hum :: Droll


8. Hustle :: Bustle


9. Avenue :: Street
   


10. Tower :: Fallen

The Week at a Glance

I think I saw Rhi more this week than I saw Erin, which is weird, since he lives here & she doesn't.

I think Erin is getting ready to take off for the summer & is distancing himself again, to make it easier to leave. I get that, he gets himself nested here & it makes it hard for him to go, but he has himself convinced he can't be happy unless he's doing something fun all of his waking hours, yet he has no hobbies. I miss him, but he really isn't around that much anyway, he's always asleep or out with his friends.

Rhi seems to bounce between thinking she's very sick with something, depression over not finding a job & normal, everyday happiness. She's been having more good days than bad, which is really a nice change.

I guess that's about it, it wasn't an incredibly exciting parenting week around here, which isn't always a bad thing!

Saturday 9: A Little Less Conversation

Join in the fun!

1. If you could have just one more conversation with a person from your past, who would it be? Either my Grandpa Harden, since he died when I was 5 & I barely got a chance to know him or my Grandma Harden, because I want to know what changed her from the happy & in love young woman I saw in her pictures to the hard-hearted person I knew all my life.

2. Do your friends tend to be male or female? Well, I have both. I tend to have more male friends, but my best friend (other than Troy) is female.

3. What is in your car’s trunk? Right now? Camp chairs, a car vacuum, a first aid kit, junk, a canopy, more junk. It needs to be cleaned out. Badly.

4. What was the last CD that you purchased? Gin Blossoms: Major Lodge Victory, over 2 years ago.

5. What is your favorite movie and why? I have far too many favorites to name just one.

6. If you could wake up with a new talent tomorrow, what would it be? I wish I could wake up with a talent for organization, because my life & business woyld run a lot more smoothly.

7. What is your favorite day of the week and why? Whatever day is Troy's first day off. This week it'll be Sunday.

8. What are you wearing when you feel you’re at your best? It's not so much what I'm wearing as how I feel about myself that day.

9. When was the last time cried? I can't remember, so it's been awhile.

Friday 5 for April 24: Annoyance

Play along at Friday5!

1. What’s the most annoying sound in the world? Wow. Anything repetitive, honestly. If it's in music, I can handle it, but if someone is just doing it to make noise, it grates on my nerves.
2. Which of other people’s mannerisms do you find very annoying? When they know everything there is to know about everything under the sun. Honestly, it's okay to admit that you don't know it all. I also hate saccharine sweetness, if you don't like me, don't talk to me.
3. What do you do that really annoys others? I interrupt, sometimes I'm way too blunt & sometimes I tease too much.
4. In what way has your own behavior recently caused you annoyance? It annoys me when I start convincing myself that my friends don't like me because I haven't heard from them for a couple of days or so.
5. Who’s the most annoying person you know? Currently? A couple in our group of friends that bit off more than they can chew & are trying to get everyone elses sympathy individually.

The Furkids are Like Toddlers

Wow. I don't think I've yelled, disciplined & been quite as frustrated as I have been today since the human offspring were toddlers. Part of the problem is the kittens are almost grown & neither of them are fixed. You can yell at me if you like, but Buster, the male, isn't my cat, he belongs to Erin. Booger, I rescued from Rhi's house when she was manic & losing it last year, before meds. I never really intended to keep her, but no one else wanted her, Troy ended up in the hospital, bills started coming due & we have no extra money to do much of anything these days.

I haven't had any work all week, so I can't even say that I'll start saving up my own money to pay for it, it just isn't going to happen until we can breathe a little easier. I won't toss her outside & I can't afford to take her to the shelter (they charge $60) so, I guess we'll just deal with it & hope for the best.

So, I'm dealing with her walking around yowling, him following her & trying to mount her & Kaji staring at them like they're crazy.

Then we have Tiny. Tiny has been spending the warm days out in the yard. I take her some water & her food, hook her up to her lead (she'll get under the trailer, otherwise, & escape). She's been doing really well out there, unless loud noises happen, then she needs to come in. I took Rhi home a couple of hours ago & Tiny was fine out there, happy & not barking or anything. When I got back, she was nowhere to be found, but her lead was stretched across the yard & seemed to be going under the trailer. I called for her & she stuck her nose out. It was clear that she couldn't get out on her own, but she sure kept trying. She managed to get under there by squeezing under Erin's bike & was trying to get out over the lawnmower.

I ended up having to pull the skirting off, pull ger out, unhook the lead & then get it unstuck before we were done. So, now she can't go back out until that's fixed & Troy will have to take care of it when he gets home.

So, it's been a day.

Fun Times

I do have to admit, that no matter how frustrating it is to watch your adult children make mistakes with their lives & no matter how helpless that may make us feel, parenting has been an unforgettable journey.

We have had some hilarious times together throughout the years, especially when one of us misunderstands what someone says, like, "He was a Plano Dentist" and then one of the kids will say, "What's the difference between a plain, old dentist & the one we go to? Are they the same?" Then if they didn't say it clearly enough we misunderstand & explain that a Plano dentist practices in Plano & theirs practices here & they stare at us, dumbfounded. It can get pretty funny sometimes.

Yeah, there are times of worry & stress & sometimes I still lie awake at night & freak out about things that are happening in their lives. Rhi won't have health insurance after next month & I worry how she'll get her medication & what will happen to her if she can't get it. I worry about Erin & what will happen to him & how he'll change if he has to to to jail. I know worrying won't change anything & that I can't fix this, but I'm their mom & no matter how old they get, I'll keep trying to keep them safe.

Bland

Wow. Total cereal is really bland. I added some cut up strawberries & Truvia sweetener to it, too & I honestly think a travel health insurance brochure would be tastier. I thought the days of healthy food not tasting good were over, but apparently they haven't, at least for the good folks who make this cereal. I eat a lot of healthy cereals, honestly, I don't really eat any other kind & this is the only one that I've found that not only had no flavor, but was so bland it seemed to suck the flavor out of the strawberries & sweetener, too.

Granted, it's really hard to find a good tasting cereal that doesn't have high-fructose corn syrup in it (and I refuse to eat or drink anything with that crap in it), but they're out there, just like other foods that don't have it. I've noticed lately that several companies are starting to advertise that they no longer use it as a sweetener, which makes me really happy. I buy a lot of organic products because they don't contain it & the ingredients list is nice & short. I love when I can not only pronounce everything on there, but know what each ingredient is & that they aren't a chemical or something else with no nutritional value.

Anyway, Kashi makes some great, healthy cereal. Wild Harvest (available at Albertson's) also makes delcious cereal. The price is pretty much comparable, considering that we'll actually eat the whole box of either brand, but I'm not sure this Total is ever going to get eaten. Blech.

A Little Better

Rhi seemed to be in better spirits last night, she was still angry about the way she had been treated, but she wasn't ready to just give up anymore. She has talked about moving away & finding something else & I guess she could go & sell cheap auto insurance in Texas, but honestly, she needs money to move anywhere & you since she isn't working, that isn't even an option for her right now.

I just wish someone would give her a chance, she can be a great employee when she's motivated to do so. Not having a steady job for months has been a pretty good motivation for her, I think. A lotof the reason she wasn't a great employee last year was that she was unmedicated & had little to no impulse control, so when her "friends" woudhld decide to show up at 9pm, knowing she had to be to work at 11, she'd just blow work off because she didn't want to miss out on anything. It really made me angry when her friends started doing that, knowing she'd stay home. She had rent & utilities to pay, groceries to buy and all of that, but they didn't care. After all, they weren't losing anything if she couldn't pay the rent. It's pretty much all gone downhill for her since then.

She doesn't hang around with those people anymore & seems to have learned her lesson about them, but that doesn't give her a chance to get a new job & another chance. I don't know how she's going about filling out her applications or anything, but it just doesn't seem to be working, whatever she's doing.

Poor Kid

So, apparently a local telemarketing company called Rhi a couple of days ago & told her they wanted to interview her. She set up an appointment for this morning at 8. I picked her up & came home, letting her take the car so I didn't have to sit out in the cold & wait for her. She texted me awhile later & was very upset & angry, but was going to check on a couple of other applications she had turned in at other places before coming back.

When she did get here, she told me she went in there & the guy she was supposed to talk to was very rude to her & acted like he had no idea why she was there. Then he informed her that they weren't going to interview her at all & had no idea why she thought they were. She left & sat in the car awhile crying. I am so angry that they keep treating her like this. She was done with that company after the last time she went in & interviewed, but they called her this time, so was pretty excited & hopeful about it. This guy has such a fat head that I think he needs to find the
best diet pills that are made & try to cure it before someone sues him & that company. He had no excuse to treat her that way, they may not be pleased with her performance when she worked there at 16 (when she was an undiagnosed bipolar), but she's still a human being & deserves a little respect because of that, if for no other reason.

I get so upset for her. She's trying so hard to find a job & stand on her own feet & no one will give her a chance. There are so many people that she knows that have screwed up worse than she ever did that keep getting hired, but not her. She can't catch a break with a net anymore. I'm really hoping things will turn around for her, soon.

Change of Plans

Apparently, Erin isn't going to Denver now. The friends he was going with have all decided that it's too risky & changed their minds, which leaves him with room mates that he doesn't know if he does end up going. I can't say that I blame him, but it does leave us wondering how he plans to pay his fines & so on. So, we may or may not have our home to ourselves over the summer, it all depends on what else he decides to do. I know he's planning on at least one or to Rainbow Gatherings, but other than that, who knows?

I'm trying to plan Rhi's birthday party, which she wants to have at a campground south of here called Red Cliffs. I'm trying to decide whether we ought to camp or just come home when we're done. The problem is, it can get really hot down there & I don't want to roast, but I'm not sure there's really any reliable way of telling before we actually go down there. I'm still trying to decide what to get her for a gift. She wants a new graphics tablet, but if I can't afford one, I need to have a backup plan. She loves heart pendant jewelry, but it seems like she ends up breaking every piece of jewelry I buy her. She'd probably like artsy stuff, too, but who knows what. I think I'm just not going to stress out about it & take it as it comes. Troy is taking vacation that week, so it should be a pretty great time all around.

Still Kicking

I still have no idea what the white powdery stuff in my coffee grinder is or was & I haven't used it since I found it in there that second time (mostly because it kind of scares me, honestly). I don't even know if it's still in the house, because I haven't looked for it. I do know that Erin will be leaving town around May 1, to go to Denver. He'll be getting some sales training & then going to work selling satellite systems over the summer. That way he can pay off his fines & then figure out what he wants to do next. So, one more month of the strangeness & we'll be free, at least for the summer, if not longer.

Rhi is still trying to find a job & having no luck. She's just about ready to apply for disability & hope for the best, quite frankly. She will be starting school soon, hopefully & I'm pretty sure that out insurance will keep covering her as long as she's in school. I worry about her not being able to get her prescriptions, and she really has to have them. So, here's hoping that the insurance doesn't let us down.

At least we haven't had a lot of drama lately, which is always a good sign. Maybe with the weather getting slowly warmer neither of them will be bored & looking to make their own excitement, you know?

Crazy Days

I swear, parenting ought to get easier when you're finished raising them, shouldn't it? That hasn't proven to be the case around here lately. First we have the case of the disappearing coffee grinder & of course, no one is taking responsibility for it. I got it out the other day to use it, and there was a white powder inside of it. I figured it was dust or something, since it had been left open in the china cabinet, so I cleaned it out & ground up my beans. The next morning, I got up, and looked at it & it had the weird white powder in it again. I took the lid off, set it down & planned to ask Erin about it. I left with Dawn & when I came back, the whole thing was gone. I asked him about it, he got defensive & I dropped it. It reappeared that night while we were gone, mysteriously clean.

Tonight, Rhi was suicidal & I had no answers for her. I felt like I was dismissing her, but I just didn't have the words, so I called Troy & he talked her down. We had a few more scares when she wasn't answering her phone or text messages, but that got cleared up, too. I think she's doing okay now, or at least I hope she is.

I certainly earned my bed tonight, let me tell you. It may not be a sleep number bed, but it's mine & it's calling out to me now, so I think I'll answer the call & head off to slumberland. Goodnight!

Refreshing Change

Last night, the meeting with the Grove was a nice change of pace. We had gotten used to being the only women at any meeting of our troth, and that nothing of any spiritual importance really happened very often. Last night we actually spent time talking about what's coming up in March & what we plan to to do & celebrate & how we want to do it.

There we just as many women there as there were men, there was food, wine, good conversation & a lot of planning. Griefs from the past few month with the troth were aired & none of us were belittled for our feelings or made to feel that we had no right to them. There was no talking about how fat we thought we were & how we were looking for a new weight loss pill to make us fit into what we perceive as the perfect size, who we are was good enough & just fine. It felt really nice.

So many times, the meetings or drum circles with the troth end up just being about the music or the alcohol & nothing else happens or matters. That's okay & all, but sometimes I feel like I want my religion to matter more & be the reason I'm out there. I'm really excited about the full month next week & the ritual we have planned!

Busy Week

I don' think I've done a whole lot of relaxing since this week started & quite frankly, I'm already tired & it's only Tuesday. Sunday we went over to Dawn & Jason's (I know it sounds like they're a couple, but they're actually cousins, who share a house) for breakfast, bright & early. We sat around there for awhile, eating, chatting & stuff like that. At around 11:30, Dawn, Jason, Davy (Jason's brother), Troy & I all headed for St. George so we could go to St. George & then out to lunch.

I got 3 books; Dexter in the Dark, The 2009 Magical Almanac & something on hauntings in Ireland & some really cool quote magnets that were on clearance. Dawn got some herbals and the same almanac I got & a set of oracle cards. Jason got his first set of tart cards & Troy & Davy got nothing. Lunch was goo, but way too much food. I didn't even feel like eating dinner. We came back to town & Troy worked on Jason's computer for a few hours & got it running again. We spent the rest of the evening playing "Scene It!"

Yesterday, my laptop decided to crash, so Troy tried to fix it without reformatting, that pretty much took all day. I went to a Grove meeting with Dawn, Morgan & Jason, and Troy stayed home to keep working on it. I got home at about 10 & we decided it needed a full reformat, so we did that & finally got to bed at about 12:30.

Rhi woke me up today at 8:30 texting me & so I gave up trying & then she stopped texting me. At least she wasn't asking me to buy her something like underwear or Hamilton watches for a change, she was just reminding me that I have to take her to an appointment tomorrow. Today I need to go & buy a money order & a manila envelope & get Erin's underage alcohol consumption workbook in the mail. When Troy gets home, we have to pay the rent & car payments.

Thursday, I have to go to court with Dawn in the morning, then I ought to be okay & clear for the rest of the day, I hope. Friday, she & I are going to the health food store to see what herbs they have in the bulk section & to look at their essential oils. Saturday night is drum circle with the troth, so as you can see, I'll be running every day this week.

I need a nap.

If Wishes Were Fishes..

I's have so many cool things in my house, I swear. I was wandering around the store the other, just looking at all of the pretty deco items, like shelves, candles and art pieces, wishing I was better at decorating & putting things together in groupings, so that I could have a pretty home. After that I checked out all of the nifty little appliances that I have no room for in my kitchen, wishing I had more counter space & better cabinets, and more time & energy to cook wonderful things made with all of the cool "toys."

I looked at the towels & bathroom sets, wishing that I didn't hate my bathroom, that it was bigger & better designed, so that I actually cared about what it looks like & wanted to put nice towels & rugs in there, as it is I spend as little time as possible in there. I do need to get new towels for the bathroom & kitchen, though, so I'll try to take care of part of that this weekend some time.

I made my way to the furniture & that was when the wishing really started. There were so many beautiful couches, loveseats & chairs that were perfect for me, and one coffee table that I really, really wanted. It was dark wood, flat black metal & a stone top, in dark, mossy greens. It was so pretty. The rest of the furniture was done in deep, soft browns, in a variety of styles & fabrics. There was a dining table that I fell in love with, that was made of planks & had a padded bench & matching chairs. Troy liked one that had a tile top more than the plank table, but the fact of the matter is, we have no room for a bigger table in here, and no need for one, either. It's not like we'll ever be having big, family meals here.

I did manage to find the desk I want when I'm able to get office together (if I'm ever able to) & it was not only beautiful, but affordable too. It was a dark reddish wood, cream colored metal & green, frosted glass. It's perfect for me, not huge, but not tiny either. I did wish we had waited to buy our TV stand, because they had some nicer ones for around the same price we paid, and even had one with matching audio racks, so that way, we could have kept our stereo.

I always promised myself that we would get better furniture when the kids were grown, but we still have never really bought any. People give us their furniture when they get new stuff (many times, they get given something, too), and we bought a futon once, but other than that, we really have never had anything new. Maybe someday we will, and I already know where I'm buying it!

Strangeness

For many, many years I've had problems remembering my dreams. It was like I went to sleep & entered this black hold, with no thoughts, no dreams & no memories at all. That was just the way I was, and I was okay with that, I'd been that way since childhood, only remembering the strangest of the strange dreams, like gorillas trying to cram into a tiny, yellow VW bug or crocodiles chasing me down at curfew.

Lately, though, that's beginning to change, and I have to say, it's a little disconcerting. I'm not used to remembering trivial dreams that relive my everyday life, but sometimes with odd little twists, like me not being able to find the electric blanket after I take it out of the dryer (I don't own one!) or grilling with all of my friends, the old ones I left in Colorado & the ones I have here, who have never met each other.

Oh, I still have and remember the crazy dreams, and the nightmares seem to live on in my thoughts for days after I have them, but for me that too, is normal. I don't know why I'm suddenly remembering my dreams, is it because I'm sleeping better at night, or maybe I'm not sleeping as soundly? It started sometime this winter, as I was starting to come out of the haze of everything I had been sick with. I know that I wasn't remembering anything in the depths of it all, because I spent most of those nights in a fevered sweat of misery.

I like to sit here after I get out of bed in the morning & piece my dreams together, figuring out which parts of the previous day the pieces came from & which are completely silly & imaginary, and sometimes even those come from thoughts I had the day before. I think there will always be dreams that I can't explain & don't understand, but who really wants all of the answers to everything, all the time, anyway?

Just a Thought

I've realized that I've come to accept that my kids will periodically hit the pause button on their progress from child to adult, even now when they range from 22-18, there are times when none of them seem to want to grow up. I'm okay with that, as long as when they decide they're ready to go again, the continue forward, in a linear motion, instead of reversing, or going in a repetitive circular motion, repeating all of their former mistakes.

The oldest has his job back & trying again. He's saving money, making plans and moving along in his life. He just got another car (to replace the one he had that died), a new laptop & is planning a trip out to see us in July, so he's moving forward again, which is always a good thing. I expect there will be the typical ups & downs, the bumps in the road, but he'll be alright, as long as he keeps moving forward & doesn't get mad at another boss or job situation & walk away again.

My other son is making gestures towards starting his journey forward again. He's planning to go to Colorado for work so he can pay off his fines & try to actually start a new life. I worry about him, he doesn't show a lot of self-control at times & there are a lot of nasty drugs out there, but I have to trust that he's off the circular path & back on the linear one & that he knows what's best for him.

The youngest seems to still be on the circular merry-go-round, which is okay, she is the youngest & has the least experience out there in the world. I expect that she'll keep making some of the same mistakes over & over for awhile. She is, after all, still in the mind set that she wants her own life, but wants many things to stay the same as they were when she was little, like Easter baskets & Christmas stockings. I just hope that soon, she'll start to learn from those mistakes, & take some life lessons away with her, instead of just learning not to let us know what she's doing because we're going to be pissed off about it.

Hate It!

I really hate when I'm craving something that I can only get at a restaurant & I'm all alone. I don't like to go out to eat by myself, and the place that has what I want doesn't have any vegetarian options, so I can't take Erin. I could take Rhi, but I don't want to get back into that with her, she expects too much from us, already. Ah well, I guess I'll do without & hope that maybe Troy will want to go tomorrow. I know that nothing else I have today will satisfy me, though. Has that ever happened to you? If so, what did you do?

I guess Erin is getting ready to go to Colorado in May to work for the summer. He has a job & a place to live waiting for him. I'm okay with him going, he has fines that need paying off & needs a fresh start in his life, honestly. I think it's great that he started looking for things he could be trained to do or already knew how to do, instead of thinking that he qualifies for the jobs in programming that my daughter keeps applying for & isn't qualified to do. If she reads this, I'll get accused of favoring him, again, but I'm at the point where the accusations don't really bother me that much.

Well, I have dishes in the sink, I guess I ought to wash them.

Possibly on the Mend

I'm really proud of myself today. I got up shortly after Troy left (before 8am) for work, sorted my laundry, got a load started & came out here in the living room. I planned out what I wanted to do for dinner & when I needed to get it put into the crock pot so it'd be done when Troy got home. Half the time anymore, I let it go until it's almost time to eat & then I'm sitting here trying to figure it out, or someone else ends up cooking something.

I got my first load of laundry moved to the dryer & started the other one (Troy does his own). I managed to get some other things done that needed finishing & at noon, I started the pork loin & veggies in the crock pot and switched my laundry one last time. I think this is the most I've managed to get done in awhile, at least all on my own.

I'm really, really hoping that I'm getting over being sick, finally. It's been a tough fall & winter, between nearly losing Troy & then immediately getting sick, and pretty much staying that way until recently. I have gone through everything from thinking I was dying to being accused of faking it, until I just can't take anymore. I think, honestly, my main complaint rigth now, is that I have a toothache, which is a huge improvement!

Updated Layout

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, I hope your day is as sweet as you wish it to be. I don't imagine we'll do a lot of celebrating today, Troy worked last night & is sleeping now & he works again tonight. I don't cook on the weekends & have no plans to start today. I used to be a big fan of this holiday, I'd make a big deal out of Troy & the kids & make sure they each had a sweet little gift from me.

Troy & Erin really didn't care one way or the other & Rhi always made me feel like an idiot for even bothering, because she always claimed to hate the holiday so much. She'd go on & on about what a stupid holiday it was & ridiculous to have an entire day devoted to celebrating romance. Of course, that was because she had no one to celebrate it with & couldn't even begin to understand why a parent would get anything for their children, because "you're not in love with us!" So, this year, I didn't get anything for anyone. I'm almost certain that she'll come over at some point today, hoping that I got something for her & when she sees that I didn't, she'll act like that wasn't why she was here at all.

She'll pretend that she just wanted to spend time with me & then she'll start gossiping about all of these girls that I don't know that she thinks are either too ugly, too stupid, need to take weight loss pills or need to start eating. She'll call them all sluts for acting the same way she does & dressing in the same styles she wears & after about 15 minutes I'll be so tired of it I'll start trying to change the subject. I'm just hoping she'll be so busy with her boyfriend that she doesn't come over. I'd like a quiet day for a change.

Anyway, I changed the layout, since I'm tired of the hearts & I like St. Paddy's Day better anyway. I hope it's easy enough to read & there are no problem with the display for anyone.

High School Drama

I realize that I seem to rant, rave & complain a lot on this blog & it isn't really my intention to. Lately it just really feels like I have no other place to go & vent my frustrations, so they get written in here. With that said...

The big argument this morning about did me in for the day. I'm tired, subdued & pretty much lacking the motivation to do much of anything now. I did go out to the library & get the tax forms. I started trying to do them, got frustrated & I'm done. I'll pay for the software & us that, I can't take the stress. It's still snowing & icy cold out there, so that pretty much ruined any other thoughts I may have had towards going out to dinner tonight or anything, since I'm not going back out in that for love or money.

At any rate, there are days when I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of high school kids, again, the drama level is so high. Sadly, most of the drama we deal with these days isn't even caused by people in their teens, and most of it comes from a single source, who's almost 24 years old. She came out here about a year ago, married to someone we thought was our friend. At first, everything was good, they moved in some other friends, agreed to the terms of them living there (part of which was that one person paid their part of the rent by providing groceries & housekeeping).

That friend ended up not only providing food for everyone who lived there, but for his 5 kids who were there every day, all summer long. It might have been okay if they had ever managed to pay their rent consistently, or help out with the utilities or anything else other than buy cigarettes. My friend J ended up having to take out a bunch of payday loans to try to make ends meet & they still ended up having to move to a cheaper place.

Anyway to make a long story a little bit shorter, the guy of this couple showed his true colors before too much longer & started being a total jerk, then he decided he wanted to sleep with another woman, and when he did & then wanted his wife back, she wasn't sure she wanted to go back & kept both of them confused & ignorant for months while she wavered back & forth, using how good each of them was in bed as a barometer for how much she wanted to stay with them at first & then later it was who would get her back home.

She finally walked out on her boyfriend & went back to her husband, and the drama still isn't over. I swear it's more irritating than vaginal dryness and there doesn't seem to be any relief on the horizon. I don't really deal with her at all these days, but it's driving my best friend nuts & she doesn't need the stress, at all, she's getting ready to quit smoking & is trying to get a handle on her health after a near heart attack a week or so ago.

So, if it isn't caused by my own kids & situations, I'm still dealing with it. I just wish everyone would grow up.

Winter.. Blech.

It's snowing again and the wind is shaking my house & whipping past the windows. It makes everything feel bleaker & more empty. Have you ever noticed that? Is it a result of the way we actually feel or because we've been conditioned by television & movies to feel that way? Bad things always happen when the weather is bad, or at least that's how it seems when we watch horror movies or crime dramas.

It rather feels that way today. I think every parent has days when they doubt the sanity of their decision to ever have children, I'm having one of those days, it may even shape up to be one of those weeks.

I found some stuff out about my daughter that didn't make me very happy. Being that she's an adult, there's very little that I can do about it, but it doesn't change the fact that we didn't raise her that way. I promised myself that I wasn't going to mention it, because it really wasn't my business and I couldn't change it or fix it or even really expect her to tell the truth about it. I had a hard time acting normal & of course she questioned it & assumed I was angry about something else (which is something I'm not happy about but it's over). Any time there's an argument with her, it starts this huge avalanche of crap, from the past 18 years & it drags on for weeks & we end up feeling guilty for having the audacity to even bring her into the world, honestly.

I'm at the point of just giving up & walking away, except I'm not sure I know how to give up on my kids. They have every type of legal representation out there these days from accident & injury to immigration lawyers, why not a bad-parenting choices lawyer? I probably couldn't afford one anyway, between owing taxes & medical bills, but it's always fun to dream.

Well, it looks like the storm & the argument are starting to die down finally, maybe I can get myself back on an even emotional keel & restart my day now. I'm pretty sure that it's not going to shape up to being the kind of day I thought I was going to have, because I'm not happy like I was when I woke up, but I guess that's okay, I'll survive. I think I'll run down to the library & grab my tax forms & see if I can figure them out on my own this time.

Update

I probably should have come in here on Tuesday evening & updated you all on the status of Erin's case, but I got to doing something else & just didn't think about it. The judge restarted his probation from his first case (which was a vandalism charge from almost 2 years ago) & added some more to his fine on that. Erin plead guilty to the underage consumption charge & was fined & ordered to complete a home study on substance abuse (which will cost him $85 when he sends it back in) & plead not guilty to the paraphernalia charge, so he meets with his attorney & goes back to court in April. There are no longer any warrants out for his arrest, so at least he can walk around town without being afraid now.

The judge did ask him if he thought his parents would help him pay his fines & he looked at her & said, "I don't know. I haven't asked them." because he, like us, believes that this is his responsibility, not ours. So at any rate, we're done with the bulk of his court dealings & we'll hopefully be totally done in April. I really hope he gets a grip on his life & doesn't get into any more trouble.

I'm going to go & pick Rhi up in a few minutes to take her to a job interview. I really hope she gets this one, she really needs something so she can help out the family she's living with & start trying to save up to get a place of her own. I'm not sure how she'll furnish an apartment, at this point, I think all she owns is a dresser & some office furniture, since she pretty much gave her bed to Erin & threw her other old stuff out when she moved the first time. Maybe between her & her boyfriend, they'll find her enough stuff to get by with for awhile.

I'm not feeling well today. After dinner last night, and I mean right after I finished eating, I got insanely dizzy & stayed that way most of the night - at least while I was awake. I got up this morning my whole body ached & I just didn't feel well. I'm supposed to take Dawn grocery shopping today, but I don't think I can make it. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow & we can doit then. As it is right now, when I'm done with Rhi, I'm going back to bed.

Nervousness

Erin's in court right now with Troy. I just couldn't bring myself to go this time, for so many reasons. I spent the first 16 months of his life in & out of court, trying to prove that I was good enough to be his mother & trying to convince a judge that I wasn't going to screw his life up. I've been back several times for various reasons over the years, not to mention the times I went with Rhi. I think Troy was with me for one of those little visits. I kind of felt like it was his turn.

Going to court when your child has broken the law & you know they have (when you don't believe that they're innocent) is very hard. Prosecutors say whatever they think will help them win & send the alleged criminal to jail, the police color their version of whatever event is was to favor themselves & their actions - it's not wrong, it's just that they only know what they think happened & not who the person involved really is. It's so hard to sit there & listen to the horrible things they say about someone you love, especially when you know that person & who they really are. Sometimes I have to study the bench in front of me or the door hardware pretty intensely to keep myself from opening my mouth.

I'm pretty nervous that he won't be coming home today, because part of the reason he's in there today is because he was unable to pay a fine. If he didn't paid it, there was a 6 month suspended sentence attached to it that he'll have to serve. He's also pleading guilty to underage alcohol consumption. He has an additional failure to appear (which was kind of our fault, that being the Friday Troy got sick & ended up in the ICU) that has to be dealt with & I think another paraphernalia charge. At any rate, the bench warrants that out on him are expired now. I hate this so much, I really hope we don't have to go through this anymore after this is all taken care of, I just want it to be done & for him to have learned a valuable lesson.

I should be hearing from Troy pretty soon, he remembered to take his phone with him. It's taking longer than I thought it would, so it might not be going well. I need to stop thinking about it, I'm making myself sick.

Seems to Never End

I'm sure that before very long all of you will get sick of me griping about my daughter, but honestly, I have to put it somewhere & confronting her with everything is never a good idea, especially not for the whole family well-being thing. So I keep my mouth shut & write about it when I can put words to what I'm feeling.

There is good news to talk about for a change, along with my usual ranting & raving. She was approved for Utah Vocational Rehabilitation, so she'll be able to go to school, learn a trade & they'll help her find a job, too. We're all pretty excited for her & can hardly wait for her to be able to get started & get everything going in a forward direction again. She's living with a friend of hers and her family & seems to be happier & doing a lot better emotionally, I really hope that it lasts longer this time than it has in the past. I'd love to see her gain some more confidence in herself & start realizing that she's great with or without a love match, and that she can make it on her own & be happy doing it.

About a week or so ago, she asked me if she could "borrow" some money so that she could buy her boyfriend a nice Valentine's gift. I told her the truth, which is we don't have any extra money for that sort of thing right now. We'll be trying to pay our taxes soon & we have Troy's hospital bill to pay off, too. I also feel like it's her responsibility to handle getting gifts for the guys she gets involved with, not mine. I haven't bought a Valentine's gift for a man since I was in high school, because since then I've learned what a man really wants for pretty much any gift-giving occasion & the gift wrapping is usually sexy lingerie & not a gift bag. I told her that, but she really didn't want to believe it & was only interested in buying something.

She started complaining last night that some money she had hoped to get didn't happen & that she wasn't going to be able to get him anything at all for Valentine's now, and it felt like she was hoping I'd step up & offer her some, but of course, I still don't have any extra & he still isn't my boyfriend, so I offered her a couple of other suggestions, which she didn't like & so she stopped texting me about it. I really hope that one day she'll learn that the best gifts are from the heart & not the store & that any man worthy of her will believe the same thing. Troy & I do more nice things for each other than we give actual gifts & we always have. We started our marriage with very little money & two kids to raise, so we learned to show our love in ways that didn't involve money. She has no money, so she needs to learn that pretty quick, in my opinion.

I try not to butt in, and I don't say much about it, but I do hope she figures it out.

Frustration & Pain

I really thought that once my kids grew up & moved out, they'd stop lying to me, that once they started to mature & realize that they couldn't really "get in trouble" with us anymore, that there wouldn't be any point in lying. It worked with Erin, at least after we kicked him out & he stayed away for awhile. Sometimes he tells me things I don't really want to hear, but he's pretty much always honest with us. Once they graduate and turn 18, I have always felt that what they do outside of my home really isn't my business unless they want to make it mine, but if it happens here, it is & if I ask, I'd better be getting the truth.

Back in late November or early December, not long after Troy got out of the hospital, we had gone somewhere & when we got home, we found Troy's prescription of Lortab lying on the floor. The bottle looked like someone had attempted to make it look like the dog got a hold of it & got it open. The bottle was empty, although we ended up finding less than half of the pills that were originally in it. Troy & I both knew that a person was responsible, because in all of her 5 years, Tiny had never done anything like that & we'd never put pill containers out of her reach. We couldn't get anyone to claim responsibility fot it & so we let it go.

The next day or so we came home & the entire bottle was gone. We asked Erin about it (although, honestly, we knew he hadn't taken it, for a variety of reasons that I'll tak about later), and he automatically starting helping Troy try to find it. That didn't happen, so Troy woke Rhi up, who immediately started screaming at him, denying any knowledge & crying. Then she said that Erin did it both times, that he made the bottle look like Tiny had gotten it & then took the 28 pills in it & sold them, and, not only had he done this terribe thing, but he told her about it. I made her come out here & accuse him of this to his face, which she did, with a rather desperate "help me" look on her face. He pretty much looked at her like she was insane & just sadly shook his head.

I have always felt that it was her, but that she did it for one of her friends or for her boyfriend, so that the pills could be sold & there would be money. She was jumping all over her ex-room mate's reputation yesterday & said that he had been in the habit of selling prescription drugs to people & that got me to thinking. I texted her yesterday after she got moved into a new place (she's now sponging off her friend's family) & asked her if that person had stolen the Lortab & sold it. She went off on me again, again accusing Erin of it & not only that, now suddenly he's stealing it from my dad, too. I gave up at that point & just told her to have a nice evening.

Yes, Erin is a pot smoker & a drinker, but that doesn't make him a thief & a liar. First off, he would never steal from his dad or myself. Never. He wouldn't steal from his sister or any of our friends either, but he sure makes a convenient scapegoat for her when something comes up missing. He also knew how much pain Troy was in after his surgery & wouldn't have been able to handle being the one responsible for Troy not being able to find any relief from the pain. He has taken Lortab in the past, twice. The first time he didn't get much out of it & the second time, he got sick, just like I do, when I take it. He didn't have a sudden influx of money when the pills disappeared, he didn't have any money, as a matter of fact.

As far as my dad & his Lortab goes, Rhi got that idea at Christmas, when my mom couldn't find the bott because she forgot where she put it. She did find it, Rhi just wasn't aware of it, so she figured she could use that to make her story more believable. They aren't missing any pills & Erin has been out there exactly twice in the past few months (Thanksgiving & Christmas) and would be even less likely to steal from them.

Rhi, on the other hand, has been stealing things from us for years & denying it. Her first reaction to any question is to lie. You may get the truth eventually, but only after she has decided that she isn't in danger of "getting in trouble" or "getting a lecture." She knows that we won't just let this go & that if we can prove it was her she'll be in a lot of trouble. What she doesn't know is that I'm through playing around & plan to change the locks this weekend & secure all of the windows so she can't break in. I don't trust her, her friends or her boyfriend in my home when I'm not here or awake anymore. I'm done being lied to & being disrespected. It hurts my heart to feel like I have no other choice but to do this, but I do feel that way.

Sometimes, even now, being a parent realy sucks.

Manners

I don't care who you voted for or why you voted for them. For the most part, I don't really care how you feel about our new President, either. I'm not being rude, honestly, it's just that most people feel one of two ways about it - they love him or they hate him. Those who love him are ecstatic about the possibility of a change coming to the USA & those who hate him are angry & afraid of what that change will entail.

I get being angry, I spent the past 8 years angry & afraid if what was happening to the country that I love. I didn't turn into a 12 year old & start spreading lies about former President Bush, however. I didn't proclaim to everybody within earshot that I hate Republicans" or anything else. I don't, just for the record, there are people that I love who are Republican & people who are Democrats that I can't stand. I judge people by who they are, not who they vote for. The point I'm trying to make is that, until I had to start choosing between paying bills & buying groceries, I shut my mouth & kept my anger & fears to myself, or only mentioned it to Troy or my close friends.

I have heard so many outrageous lies & allegations about President Obama since he announced his candidacy that it truly makes me ashamed to not only live in this state, but part of the time, this country as well. I'm so tired of the double standard that says that anyone who doesn't walk the GOP line should just shut up & deal with it, because we're too stupid to choose a good President, while they are allowed & encouraged to say whatever the hell they please, no matter how ridiculous & untrue it may be.

I should have known it was going to be a bad night on Pogo last night when I read some woman's profile & it was ragging on President Obama misspeaking at a campaign rally in Oregon, saying he had now been to "57 states & had a couple more to go" & her comment about it was "What? The 57 states of Islam?" First, it doesn't matter. He can be whatever religion he wants to be, our country was founded on that principal, you have the same freedom to believe whatever you want, too. He even has the freedom to be Athiest, if that's what he wants to be & it has no bearing on his Presidency. Second, he has attended the same church for 20 years, he is a member of Chicago's Trinity United Church. Yes, his father & stepfather were Muslim & he lived for part of his childhood in a mostly Muslim country, but he attended secular & parochial schools while he was there. If you're going to hate, at least get your facts straight & learn to think for yourself instead of letting reactionary idiots like Limbaugh & Hannity think for you.

Shortly after I read the profile she & some guy started Democrat bashing & talking about how stupid they are & how immature because some people hissed & booed Mr. Bush (for the record, I'm not a Republican or a Democrat) & they were going to boo & his the President every chance they got. Okay, but they were going to do that anyway. I muted both of them & made the statement that they had expected everyone who opposed Mr. Bush to shut up for 8 years & now they expect us to shut up while they bitch about President Obama for at least the next 4 years. I didn't say anything else, I sat there & played my game until another person came in making racks on how the President was "still on food stamps" & changed his named to"o-bum-a." I assumed she meant the fact that his picture will be on food stamps (making him literally on them) until she changed his name. I have a lot of friends on food stamps. I was on food stamps for a long time. None of us are bums. Falling on hard times doesn't make a person less than someone else & in my opinion, that type of behavior shouldn't be tolerated. So, I didn't. I spoke my mind & I left.

It really did bother me. I'm not a rude person & I don't act like a middle school girl. Namecalling never solves anything & it certainly won't give them the president they wanted. Yes, this country also guarantees us the freedom of speech, but that doesn't give a person the right to be rude or irresponsible with their words. Try treating people how you want them to treat you, you know? They all go on & on about what great Christians they are, but they sure don't act like I always imagined Jesus would act.

A Time for Change

I don't talk about politics a lot, it tends to aggravate me & around here, if you aren't Republican & people find out, they generally gang up on you & berate you until you give in & agree with them. Mostly, I refuse to engage in those discussions at all, even with most of my friends.

Let's just say that the last 8 years have been tough all over, especially the past 4, with the rising cost of gas & everything else, businesses failing & closing down, people having to choose between paying on credit cards or buying groceries. Over the past few months I've watched people lose jobs they've had for years, either because there wasn't enough work to keep them on or because it was cheaper to pay someone who had been there less time or the company closed. It really puts a new perspective on everyday life, suddenly, finding the best possible diet pill isn't quite as important anymore. Really, all that matters when this starts happening all around you is hanging on & doing the best you can.

Troy's job is safe, for now. We're faced with the possibility of his plant closing down all the time, so we're used to the fear, we've said the same thing from the day he started there, "We'll ride this train until it stops, then we'll go from there." We managed to get the kids raised, we have most of the toys we want, so if the worst happens & his plant closes, we'll be okay. We'll adjust & he'll find something else, even if we have to move.

I am excited about the new administration, I voted for President Obama, after all, I feel that there is change in the air, a chance for new beginnings & fresh dreams. Yesterday was the first time that I actually enjoyed listening to an inauguration speech, and the first time in a very long time that I'm really looking forward to what the next four years has to bring to this country.

Dilemmas in Parenting

Today is my 43rd birthday (go me, I survived another year!) I went to my birthday party last night, we had a lot of fun. We ate good food, had a couple of drinks, in my case a bottle of Sam Adam's Black Lager & a Pama & Sierra Mist & played with henna for hours. I left at around 1am, because I was tired & didn't want to fall asleep behind the wheel. I came in, grabbed some ice, pored my Diet Dr. Pepper in it & took it to bed with me.

I finished it while I was reading & was running a fever so I had the chills & tried to get to sleep. I finally managed it only to be woken up to Erin throwing up in the bathroom. The toilet is against the same wall as our bed, so in the middle of the night, it's a pretty rude awakening. While I was lying there waiting for it to end & then trying to get back to sleep, I decided that I was going to tell him that he had to find another place to sleep on the nights he drinks too much, because I have such a hard time trying to get back to sleep if I get woken up.

Today, after I managed to get some more sleep & am not angry or tired anymore I'm not really sure what I should say or do. He isn't legal to drink until August, but he is an adult, so I don't feel like I have a leg to stand on by telling him not to drink, so instead, he's told that he can't do anything illegal in our home & try our best to deal with the aftermath of what he does outside our home.

He has cut back a lot & it doesn't happen that often, it's possible I was over-reacting last night. I'll see if I get just as angry the next time it happens, if I do, then it'll be time to do something about it.

New Look

Alrighty, I got a new layout & I plan to change this more often than I have been lately. I even hope to start posting more in here. I know I've been slacking off, mostly it's because I didn't really know what direction I wanted this blog to take, but I think I've decided that it's mostly going to be about parenting grown children & my blended-religion marriage.

I have other blogs that talk about other aspects of my life, but nothing that really deals with the family life & marriage & all of that, so that's what we're going to do.

2009

I still can't believe that it's already 2009. This year is the 25th year since high school, that's just amazing to me, especially since, at times, it feels like it was only a couple of years ago. I know that I have kids that are in their 20s, so I haven't lost my mind, it's just that I don't feel old enough, most of the time, to have finished high school 25 years ago. There are days when looking in the mirror is a scary surprise, too, because sometimes I wonder who this old woman is that's looking out of my eyes, but that's probably a different story for a different day.

The weight loss has been going well, the doctor put Troy on a 1200 calorie, low-fat diet when he got out of the hospital & since it's just easier if we all eat the same way, I started it too. I've lost around 20 pounds or so since then.It's pretty much like when I was taking Alli last year, but I don't have to remember to take any pills. Troy is looking absolutely skinny & is off all of his diabetes medications, at least for now, so it's all good in that area, at any rate.