The last time I posted on a Monday, I talked about how becoming a parent changed who I was forever, which is very true. There are times when I wonder if the change was for the better, though. Until a few years ago, in my mind anything my kids did was because they were still growing, maturing & learning & they didn't mean the things they said or what they did.
I no longer believe that.
Over the past two or three years I've come to accept that whatever my daughter says to me, no matter how much she apologizes later, is the truth as she sees it & that she definitely means it. She can put it down to having a bad day or forgetting to take her meds, but I know that she does hate me & everything to do with me. I know that no matter what I do or say to try to change that, I can't. I also know that after the past weekend, I won't be giving her anymore birthday parties or inviting her to go away with us anywhere.
I'm not sure if this latest change makes me a realist or just cynical, but it sure has helped me deal with my own guilt that our relationship is perfect, or even, most of the time, comfortable. Currently I don't trust her at all & that's really sad to say about your own child, but it's so true.