Monday, February 09, 2009

Winter.. Blech.

It's snowing again and the wind is shaking my house & whipping past the windows. It makes everything feel bleaker & more empty. Have you ever noticed that? Is it a result of the way we actually feel or because we've been conditioned by television & movies to feel that way? Bad things always happen when the weather is bad, or at least that's how it seems when we watch horror movies or crime dramas.

It rather feels that way today. I think every parent has days when they doubt the sanity of their decision to ever have children, I'm having one of those days, it may even shape up to be one of those weeks.

I found some stuff out about my daughter that didn't make me very happy. Being that she's an adult, there's very little that I can do about it, but it doesn't change the fact that we didn't raise her that way. I promised myself that I wasn't going to mention it, because it really wasn't my business and I couldn't change it or fix it or even really expect her to tell the truth about it. I had a hard time acting normal & of course she questioned it & assumed I was angry about something else (which is something I'm not happy about but it's over). Any time there's an argument with her, it starts this huge avalanche of crap, from the past 18 years & it drags on for weeks & we end up feeling guilty for having the audacity to even bring her into the world, honestly.

I'm at the point of just giving up & walking away, except I'm not sure I know how to give up on my kids. They have every type of legal representation out there these days from accident & injury to immigration lawyers, why not a bad-parenting choices lawyer? I probably couldn't afford one anyway, between owing taxes & medical bills, but it's always fun to dream.

Well, it looks like the storm & the argument are starting to die down finally, maybe I can get myself back on an even emotional keel & restart my day now. I'm pretty sure that it's not going to shape up to being the kind of day I thought I was going to have, because I'm not happy like I was when I woke up, but I guess that's okay, I'll survive. I think I'll run down to the library & grab my tax forms & see if I can figure them out on my own this time.

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