Hoping

Right before Christmas - well, December 2 - we sent Erin his guitar, and a couple of weeks later, a box for him, his then fiance & her little brother, that had new guitar strings and the new game "Rocksmith" in it. Erin has played the guitar since his sophomore year of high school & has always felt that he was mediocre, at best, at it. So, sending the guitar, strings and game were our way of encouraging him to get back into a place where he feels confidant playing again. He has played with several bands over the yeas & I know he'd love to start making music again.

What I'm hoping, is that the now ex-fiance and her mother, who are meeting Troy & I in Las Vegas in February, will, at the very least, make sure his guitar & strings are a part of the exchange (along with Erin's dog!). I can replace the game, but he's had that guitar for a long time & my daughter has kept it for him since he left 5 years ago. It would be a shame for him to lose it now, just because someone wants to be vindictive.

So, my fingers are crossed & I'm planning for the best, even if I do have quite a "speech" ready if she doesn't follow through with it.

Weird!

I had the strangest dream last night. In my dream, my daughter called me, rambling on & on about pretty much nothing. Nothing she was saying made any sense to me, and then another voice came on the line and said, "Your daughter is having a psychotic break, you need to get down to the ER." I jumped up, put on my shoes and left my bedroom. No one else was home, the house was dark & silent and I had no idea where they were. I got in my car & drove to the hospital, which was also very, very dark. I went in through the ER entrance, but the automatic doors weren't working, so I had to go all the way around to the front, and go in the regular doors.

When I got in, the hall was crowded with abandoned medical carts, food service carts and the like, so I had to weave through all of this to make my way down to the ER area. I seemed to be the only person in any of the public areas of the hospital, at least as far as I could see. I got the the ER, the window was shuttered on the intake window, which also meant I couldn't get in there to find my daughter, so i sat down in the waiting area to see what would happen.

I have no idea what would have happened after that, I woke up, so I never found her, but was filled with anxiety in my waking state. I'll see her this evening, maybe she can shed some light of the two disturbing dreams I've had lately. She may be struggling with her sobriety right now, I'm not sure.

A Good Birthday

I had a very good day yesterday. It was mellow & quiet, but good just the same. I took my daughter to her probation appointment in the morning, then came home & relaxed awhile. She needed another ride later, so I did that & then me & my son went & got some lunch. We talked about how much different his life is now, me learning some easy songs on the guitar, what he planned to do later, what I planned to do later, you know, just normal stuff.

We came home, he did his thing, I did mine & then I got ready to go out to dinner with Troy. I had a ton of birthday greetings on Facebook, which was pretty awesome, really. We went out & got dinner, then came home & watched a little DVR'ed TV and went to bed. My mom came over this morning with my birthday gift - cute owl earrings!

So, all in all, a good day. I'm a little worried about my son today, he's still in bed & I'm hoping it's just because he was up so late last night. You just never stop worrying, you know?

Moving Along

Things are going fairly well around here. Our son is making progress in his program, working his steps & finding things out about himself, accepting them & either working to correct the problems & moving on or just letting it go & moving on. It hasn't been easy on any of us, especially him, but we're getting through it & it's worth it all.

We've made arrangements with his ex to meet her in Las Vegas next month (we'll be there anyway) to pick up his dog & his property. We'll need to take the things that belong to her, too, and she wants their cell phone back, so I guess he'll need to start looking for one and a plan he can maybe afford. I looked at Atrix yesterday, but I think you have to live in Canada to go through them, I'm not sure.

In other news, tomorrow is my birthday, we plan to go out for dinner after Troy gets home from work. On Sunday we'll have ice cream cake for our friend Ryan & I, since his birthday was the 5th. I already mentioned that we'll be in Las Vegas in February, we're going as a late party for the two of us. I gets us out of the cold & snow for a couple of days & gives us all a chance to just unwind & have a good time. We all seem to really be looking forward to it.

Life goes on, the struggles are never ending, but never something we can't handle, as long as we all have each other, we'll be just fine.

An Odd Feeling

I tried, very hard actually, while my children were growing up to do all the right things. Sadly, I really only had the tools that I was raised with & those methods weren't all that great. I had a nasty temper, I took a lot of things out on the kids and had very little patience with them. I never imagined that they'd all be addicts of one sort or another, I knew that they had the potential, if I believed that genetics had anything to do with addiction (and I did & do), but I thought that my "stellar" parenting would help them avoid those temptations.

Anyway, I drove my two youngest (21 & 23) to an AA meeting yesterday, and when I saw them get out together & head for the door, I was a bit sad & guilty feeling, thinking, "Wow. What kind of a mother has to take two of her kids to an alcoholics anonymous meeting?" Suddenly, the smarter side of me said, "A really good one, who cares that her kids get help for their addictions, that's what kind." I mentioned it to my son later on, he told me the same thing & said he was really happy that his sister had come with him, because it was good to see her & spend a little time with her. He goes every day, usually 2-3 times a day, to different meetings, including NA. She rarely goes, so we don't know if she's sober or struggling, and when I ask she tells me she's sober, so that's all I have to go on.

Here I go, rambling again.. anyway, it felt strange to see them goign together, but it also felt good, if you know what I mean?

Brrrrr!

Winter came back with a vengeance today. We had a nice couple of weeks there, where it was warm enough to be outside without a jacket on as long as the sun was up. I kind of got a bit spoiled by it all, I think. It snowed a bit today & has been cold since I got out of bed. I really just want to put my PJs on & climb in bed, reading until I fall asleep. I haven't had enough sleep in a few days and I'm starting to feel it.

Our son came home on Wednesday morning, being forced to leave without much notice by his fiancee on Tuesday morning. By Friday morning, she had broken up with him, after promising to give their relationship a lot of thinking. It seems that 3 days was plenty. He was devastated, and had really counted on being given a chance to change the way he was treating her & living his life. He didn't let the break up change his determination to stay sober & continue to work his program. He knows he has to move past these issues in his life or he'll never have a partner that he can love forever & he really does want that.

So, we're in the process of him trying to figure out what comes next & hoping his friend can help him get a job, so that he can pay his fines, do his probation & not worry about jail so much anymore. Then maybe he can go to school and start to get the rest of his life together. So far, though, things are going well. He's making it to at least 2 meetings a day and doing well when he makes contact with people he used to party with. I'm pretty proud of him.

A New Year, Already?

Wow. The last week of December really seemed to just drag, and then, all at once, it's January 4th and time to start thinking about taxes and all of that again. I love being able to file my taxes online & use things like TurboTax, but sometimes the questions stress me out because I don't understand what they mean, like "did you receive an ach check from any source this past year?" and I'm sitting there thinking, "I don't even know what one is, how do I know if I got one?" I know that's not an actual question they ask, but I'm not in the middle of doing mine right now & can't put a real one just off hand.

Then there's the whole turning another year older thing in two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about 46 being right over the horizon, there, it feels a little to close to 50 & all of the other really old ages to me. I'll get through it, I always do, but I have to admit, it'll be with trepidation.

So, how did you all fare over the holidays? Any drama to speak of? Good gifting? Fun parties? Beuller? Beuller?

Not so Bad

Things have gone fairly smoothly since our daughter got out of jail. Her first day out was pretty rough for all of us, she had a lot of misinformation fed to her by various people while she was in that she had to wade through. She managed to locate all of her stuff and on Monday, I went & paid for her prescriptions, took her grocery shopping & to check in with her PO. She spent awhile with us & then I took her home.

We saw her again on Yule, when we had a very nice day together. We opened gifts, had breakfast & then went shopping for the day. She handled it pretty well when I told her I'd be getting a small storage unit for her property, so that we could use her room for an office. I know she harbors dreams of coming back to live here, but it just isn't going to work for any of us that way.

I'm hoping that when we get all of our daughter's stuff out & into storage, we can have a little more room for things like ironing boards, food storage and a place for small appliances. We will if I plan everything the right way & keep on Troy to put things back where they belong.

At any rate, we had a lovely Yule, both as a family & as a Circle, although the mood was very subdued and we all seemed to run out of steam pretty early on. It was fine, we all got together and had our rites & celebration & that's all that really matters.

Bluesy

I'm feeling a little stressed out & down right now. Our daughter gets out of jail early Sunday morning (like at 2am) and I'm just not ready for it. I don't have any desire to see her or deal with the hysterics and drama she's sure to bring to my house. She won't be living here, that's for sure, but it won't change her need to force us into paying her fines and for her cell phone by any means she deems necessary.

I've already decided that she won't be allowed into the house unless both of us are here, because she knows she can get either one of us, singly, to agree to her demands with enough drama, but together, we're an unstoppable force. So, if she shows up early Sunday morning then I'll offer to take her somewhere else or to let her use my phone to call for a ride, but she won't be coming in to bother us in the middle of the night.

I'm typically about the least paranoid person you'll ever meet. I rarely, if ever, suspect people of ulterior motives, talking behind my back or plotting against me, but for the past few days I'm had this feeling of unease, like something just isn't right, that maybe something bad is just over the horizon & I don't like it. I hate this feeling. It's like I know I've forgotten something crucial, but only with added danger in the mix. So, I guess I'm putting this out there, if anything happens to me or Troy & I, I hope that the police will start with Rhiannon, because she is the only person on the planet (next to her sperm donor) that hates me enough to harm me.

I hate that I even feel like I have to say that.

Frustration

On Cyber Monday, I found a great deal on a GPS for my car - I have a huge fear of getting lost, probably from traveling with my dad, we got lost, a lot - and so we ordered it & eagerly awaited it's arrival. It came while we were out Friday & I turned it on & got everything situated, and put it in my vehicle on Saturday. We had some driving around to do that morning, and while we didn't plan an itinerary on it, Troy was pleased with it. I brought it in to activate our promotion code and update our maps & that's when the problems began. It wouldn't update the maps, it kept telling me we were out of space on the GPS, then it deleted all of the previous maps, rendering it completely useless. I followed every instruction for every problem listed on the website & finally just handed it & the phone number to Troy.

6 hours on the phone later? Lots of wasted hours, plenty of frustration and no solution but to send it to them for replacement. My we should have bought a garmin zumo 665 motorcycle gps or something like it (considering I don't have a motorcycle & all), maybe we'd have a working GPS now & not one sitting in a box, waiting until we have time to get to UPS to send it back.

I'm disappointed & don't have a lot of hope for the replacement to work very well, either, but I guess we'll see. It's supposedly a pretty good brand & model.

Doing Well

I'm been pretty level these days, no serious ups or downs, highs or lows. I've managed to keep my hormones in check, so that they don't aggravate my emotions too much. I did have a rough time the other day, while we were holiday shopping. We were just about finished, after having spent an awful lot of money & were at Costco. I didn't have a very large list, but the things on it were important to me. I was focusing on things Troy had asked me to look for & hadn't finished my list when he came back, looked in the cart, and said, "What did you add? I hope we have enough to pay for all of this!" in a fairly snotty/angry tone. I immediately felt the tears start to come & told him I was done and just wanted to leave. I put back the one item I had added & told him we needed niacin & then we could go.

It was close to 5 or 6pm and we hadn't eaten since 10 that morning, we had been having a wonderful day & I just felt so hurt & betrayed. I didn't care about anything anymore. I gave up everything else that was on my list, some of which I had really been wanting & pretty much just put myself on auto-pilot to get out of the store & back on the road. I didn't want my Yule gift anymore. I didn't even want to be in the car at that point. I wanted to be at home, in my bed, in the dark, crying my eyes out.

We did get everything settled & Troy felt horrible for two days about it all & realized he should have worded things differently or just known that I knew what I was doing. It hurt, I took it hard, but we got through it. I have far fewer incidents like this these days. I can usually see them coming & head it off pretty quickly. This came out of the blue & I didn't see it coming fast enough; normally, I'd have just looked at him, made some smart-assed reply & went on about my business.

Accepting Me

I had a really tough day yesterday. I went to court for my youngest child - I can't even say "with" because she was in jail & still is - and listened to her begging the judge to release her so that she could give her father & I the gift of her sobriety for the holidays. In my heart I knew she wouldn't be sober if she was home & that what I really wanted from her was for her to stay in jail & then enter inpatient rehab before she dies.

I came home & got to spend a little time with our granddaughters, but then my middle child called and was upset that he didn't get what he thought was enough financial aid for school (6k a semester, the school he wanted into is 7k/sem) and wanted us to apply for a loan we thought we would be denied for so he'd be awarded another 2k a semester. I refused, he got butt-hurt and went on a tirade on Facebook and too a lot of things out on me, our relatives and my friends.

I ended my evening in tears, with a headache and feeling like crap about myself, again. This whole thing did serve a purpose, because it got me to thinking that it isn't my weight that makes me feel terrible about myself. It's my attitude about myself that makes me feel that way. I started reading articles about size acceptance and health at every size and realized that I just have to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, inside and out. I am a beautiful, fat, loving, giving, smart, funny woman. I still hated myself when I had lost 100 pounds, which explains why I gained it all back.

I'm not going to be dieting anymore. I will get and stay active, going to the gym, taking walks, going hiking and camping and doing all of the things that I love. I will not engage in things that make me feel like I'm a failure, like dieting. I've been working on portion control, I eat cleanly and avoid almost all processed foods these days and that will continue, I do, after all, have Troy's health to think about (he's diabetic), too.

I plan to start buying myself clothes that I love and that are well fitting, and stop punishing myself because I'm fat. I deserve to look and feel beautiful, even if I get as large as all the furniture stores los angeles has, put together. I won't, but so what if I did? It's my business, no one else's.

I'm letting my hair grow out & when it's at a length I like, I'll have it styled into beautiful layers that make it look like it isn't baby fine and limp. Most of all, I'm going to give myself a break and start loving me the way my husband and friends do, for who I am.

Trying

I'm desperately trying not to give up on myself. I really want to be back on track with my weight loss and eating the right way. I'm so tired of feeling guilty, fat and ugly. I never felt that way when I was gung-ho about myself. This whole thing with my daughter has taken a lot out of me, I realize that. It isn't fair or even right & I'm going to get past it. I'm just ashamed of how I look, I can't find any clothes in the house that are comfortable, but look good. I thought about finding a place to get discount medical uniforms, and buying some scrubs, but I refuse to resort to that. They look great if you work at a healthcare facility, but they not for every day.

If I could just get back on track, I could look forward to wearing my own clothes again. I think I'm just going to suck it up and get started on it, as soon as all of this court crap is over with (which I hope will be done today). I'll sit down, make a plan, figure out my points for what I want to eat & just do it again until it's second nature.

Thinking About Gifts

It's that time of year again, and I can never figure out what to get for my dad for Christmas. Mom is easy, she loves jewelry and I have a credit to get her something nice with a company I mistakenly signed up with. I was thinking about getting him some of those chocolate-covered strawberries, since he loves candy and at least this way, he's getting some fruit with it, so maybe mom won't get quite so upset with him. I need to visit their site and see if there's anything I think he'd enjoy before I make a final decision.

I also don't know what to get for my brothers or their girlfriends. I'm not even sure if Craig will be coming out for Christmas, or not yet. I know they'll be here for Thanksgiving, though and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

I think I'll just get my niece a gift card, who knows what emo type thing she's into these days? I'm not going to try to figure it out.

Troy is supposed to let me know pretty soon what he wants and we're getting Erin and Alisa the game "Rocksmith" and sending his guitar to him. We were going to get Rhi a new cell phone, but she's in jail again and I'm not going to be paying her bill anymore, so she won't need a new phone, guess she'll get a shirt or something. I might just send Garrett and Keri a gift card for Target or something, I don't know what they need or want after all.

Success!

The party was a big success last night. We had all of our normal crowd, plus friends we don't get to see that often anymore. We had very little food left over (a few spring rolls & potstickers, along with chips, hummus & dip), so I made just enough. I was surprised that people scarfed up the hummus like they did, it's generally one of those foods that people either love or absolutely hate. I guess I got lucky & have the hummus loving friends.

We had ritual before the party. Afterwards, Dawn & I got everything put away & then Troy & I started cooking the dinner. Everyone else who was here (some friends came later) watched TV and waited patiently. We got everything done around the time I said it would be ready & everyone dug in.

It was really just a fun time. There were costumes, friends, food, drinks, music & a lot of laughs & good conversations.

It didn't even get terribly cold last night, which was good, since I went outside in my fortune teller costume & no coat to turn off all of decor lights out there. I was afraid I'd get too cold & start wishing I had an electric blanket, but it was fine & I slept perfectly.

Anyway, I need to get ready to run to the store really quick, so we can get the Sunday paper (for coupons), so I'd better go do that.

Excitement

Tonight is our annual Halloween party & I'm pretty excited about it - as always! I'm hoping we have a good turnout, considering the time & money I've spent on the whole thing. I'm in the middle of "carving" my pumpkins (I use quotations because I'm actually drilling holes in them), then I think I'll clean house & rest for a few minutes before I have to get busy with everything else.

On top of that, our friend & his wife are expecting twin boys, very soon. I'm waiting for the baby announcements any day now, which is pretty exciting. Between the two of them, they already have 7 kids, but these are their first together. They just got married last March and while they hadn't known each other long, they seem to be made for each other. We're all very happy for him, because he is such an amazing person. I'm very excited to meet their new babies!

Bad Times

Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the Occupy Wall Street movement & the "We are the 99%" campaign. If you haven't read any of these stories, you probably should. It gives a very clear picture of what people are going through today & shows that the people the hardest hit are not lazy, unmotivated slackers who just want a handout. They almost all, universally, just want a job & a chance to hold their heads up again. They can't pay their bills, feed their families and afford a place to live at the same time.

Troy & I are pretty comfortable, but trust me when I say that we're a paycheck away from disaster. You know that times are bad when lawyers are taking paralegal jobs & doctors are looking for Family or General Practitioner Jobs at whatever rate they can get them at, no matter what their specialty is. We live in very scary & dark times, and at the moment, all I see is everything getting a lot worse, way before it gets any better.

It sucks that the best lesson I feel like I can teach my 21 year old daughter in these times is how to survive when you're so poor you have nothing.

Ooops

Wow! I hadn't realized so much time had passed in here since I last posted! I've been spending so much time posting on another blog & prepping my outline & character sketches for NaNoWriMo that I just let it slip away from me.

We spent today at the New Harmony Apple Harvest Festival, like we do every year. We bought a jug of cider (which I have under the cabinet fermenting as we speak) and a jar of pomegranate jalapeno jelly. The rest of the time we spent visiting with friends, picking apples & pretty much just relaxing. It was a good time, and a nice way to usher in the Fall.

I've been thinking about some new altec lansing speakers for my XTerra, or at the very least, a new stereo, but we'll have to see how money is later on. We have insurance due pretty soon, along with Yule & all of that. It's not a major pressing concern anyway. Very few things feel like they are these days, I'm pretty content with our life at the moment & that's all I've really ever wanted from it. It's good to feel that way, finally!

Still Staying Busy

The month is almost over already & it went faster than your typical youtube video download. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the 26th (we actually celebrated a few days earlier, by taking a drive & having dinner out of town). I can't believe we've been together this long, I never thought of myself as someone who could stay with one person for the rest of my life.

I've been taking steps to reduce our spending, especially since buying the trailer & not wanting it to be a burden on us. I've started making my own dishwasher detergent, fabric softener & fabric odor remover & when our laundry detergent is gone, I'll make that, too. I've also been making my own "convenience" foods, like Hamburger Helper mixes. Because I keep a very well-stocked spice cabinet, that pretty much consisted of buying noodles, because I already had everything else.

All of the household products I've made so far are working really well, including the very simple fabric softener (no static - at all- not even on sheets & sleeping bags). I hate spending tons of money of things that manufacturers make us believe we HAVE to have & I'm doing my best to change our opinions about that & do better, greener things. This is another way that I know that about 95% of what comes in my house hasn't been tested on animals, and that also makes me very, very happy.

Busy Times

It's been another of those months where we seem to be super-busy, but I have no idea at what, you know? I know we went camping one night, just me, Troy & the dog. We've gone to a lot of movies, dealt with a lot of stress, made a lot of decisions regarding what we will & won't tolerate, and bought a little more furniture. There has been work, play and lazy time. I guess that really is a pretty busy month, when you lay it all out like that.

There are things I need to do this weekend, still, and haven't started yet, like cleaning the bedroom & switching out altar spaces for the cold months. I also want to get the office/dining room looking good. My mom asked me to find the best printer ink cartridges online for her, since she won't buy the printer I have & hates to pay the price for the ink at the store, but there isn't a hurry on that.

Right now, I'm recovering from our workout at the gym & getting ready to have lunch, then I'll get started on the bedroom, so I can do the altars & office later on.