I had a really tough day yesterday. I went to court for my youngest child - I can't even say "with" because she was in jail & still is - and listened to her begging the judge to release her so that she could give her father & I the gift of her sobriety for the holidays. In my heart I knew she wouldn't be sober if she was home & that what I really wanted from her was for her to stay in jail & then enter inpatient rehab before she dies.
I came home & got to spend a little time with our granddaughters, but then my middle child called and was upset that he didn't get what he thought was enough financial aid for school (6k a semester, the school he wanted into is 7k/sem) and wanted us to apply for a loan we thought we would be denied for so he'd be awarded another 2k a semester. I refused, he got butt-hurt and went on a tirade on Facebook and too a lot of things out on me, our relatives and my friends.
I ended my evening in tears, with a headache and feeling like crap about myself, again. This whole thing did serve a purpose, because it got me to thinking that it isn't my weight that makes me feel terrible about myself. It's my attitude about myself that makes me feel that way. I started reading articles about size acceptance and health at every size and realized that I just have to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, inside and out. I am a beautiful, fat, loving, giving, smart, funny woman. I still hated myself when I had lost 100 pounds, which explains why I gained it all back.
I'm not going to be dieting anymore. I will get and stay active, going to the gym, taking walks, going hiking and camping and doing all of the things that I love. I will not engage in things that make me feel like I'm a failure, like dieting. I've been working on portion control, I eat cleanly and avoid almost all processed foods these days and that will continue, I do, after all, have Troy's health to think about (he's diabetic), too.
I plan to start buying myself clothes that I love and that are well fitting, and stop punishing myself because I'm fat. I deserve to look and feel beautiful, even if I get as large as all the furniture stores los angeles has, put together. I won't, but so what if I did? It's my business, no one else's.
I'm letting my hair grow out & when it's at a length I like, I'll have it styled into beautiful layers that make it look like it isn't baby fine and limp. Most of all, I'm going to give myself a break and start loving me the way my husband and friends do, for who I am.