Somewhat Busy

Erin left for Phoenix with a friend the other day (Christmas Eve) and I haven't really heard from him since Saturday. I don't have any idea when he's coming home, but he promised he was, since I order straps for his ALICE pack & he needs them. I imagine I'll hear from him when he's on his way home, I just hope this friend doesn't leave him behind when she comes back.

I haven't really seen Rhi much over the past few days. She sleeps, gets up, does a few chores & heads out, coming home in the very early morning hours or not at all until the next day. Who knows what she's up to these days? She usually does this when she's seeing someone she knows we don't like or doing something she thinks we'll disapprove of. My opinion? It's her life, her business.

Today, after Troy wakes up, we're going to St. George again, to pick up a griddle for the kitchen & just kind of hang out. I'd like to look at prices on cookware, too, just to make sure we're getting the best deal on it we can. I'm sure we'll be wading through crowds of people returning gifts, buying Christmas clearance & trying to get a huge deal on popcorn machines, appliances & winter clothes, but that's okay, we can handle it.

Progress

Well, Erin is very likely going to be heading on his way without staying to take care of his legal problems, but, we expected that he'd feel that way once he sobered up. That's fine, we are a bit disappointed, but honestly, we wouldn't have room for him to stay here when he got out, anyway, so then we're stuck with another dilemma and one more stumbling block in our marriage that we really don't need, at least not right now. We can't continue being responsible for them for the rest of our lives, it's not fair to them or us.

On the more positive side, Rhi has been talking about joining the Job Corps & getting some job training, so that she can actually take care of herself. I'm hopeful that she'll actually follow through with this & at least contact them and see what her options are. I think it would be very good for her.

I've noticed something this holiday season, just like I did after we celebrated Ostara & not Easter. The ads on TV for extravagant gift-giving, like diamonds, cars, hp desktops, new furniture and the like are really irritating to me. I also keep thinking, "Wow, it's over already, change the freakin' commercials!" then stop & realize that these aren't ads for Yule, but Christmas & that isn't over yet. I was exactly the same way after Ostara. We'd go to the store & I couldn't figure out why in the world there were still so many Easter items out on the shelves. I have also found that by switching to the less Christianized versions of my own celebrations, I have also pretty much removed the commercialized versions as well & the tendency to over-indulge while shopping wasn't there. That was really nice.

Blessed Yule!

On this first day of winter we have cold rain pouring from the sky. There are floods in the towns & cities South of us, but none here, so far. This week has already been emotionally trying for me, as I found out in the early morning hours Sunday, that Erin has been using heroin. Now I can have one more thing that wakes me up in the night, one more thing that keeps me from getting to sleep in the first place & one more way I have to imagine him dying out there.

It's normal for us, especially in my generation, to worry about our parents dying, they are, after all, older than us & that is the natural course of events. We don't think of things like Mesothelioma so much these days, with work safety regulations being what they are regarding asbestos & such, even though it is what my own grandfather died from. My parents are fairly active & healthy for their ages, so I honestly think I worry more about Erin & Rhi dying than I do them, which is pretty depressing if I let it get to me.

Rhi qualified for a healthcare program, so soon she'll be able to get back on her medication & will start feeling much better, so I won't have to worry quite so much about her. Erin had given me a little hope that he was ready to turn himself in, serve his time & then get his life together, but nothing has been said since then, so I'm thinking he has changed his mind again. I hate when he gives me that hope & then tears it away like that, it's almost worse than never having any at all.

Getting it All Together

Things get complicated in our tiny house when Erin is home. It's almost too small the rest of the year, when it's me, Troy & Rhi, but you add Erin & his dog to the mix & it's definitely too small. Things don't get done like the do when it's less crowded, like vacuuming, taking the garbage out, cleaning the bathroom faucets, you know, the small stuff. Plus it seems like I have a constant dishwasher full of dishes & a sinkful, too. I can't seem to keep on top of them these days & that drives me crazy. Part of the dish issue is that we can't have the heater in Rhi's room on when the dishwasher is running or we trip a breaker, so I have to remember to ask her to turn it off & then remember to turn the dishwasher on, unlike the rest of the year when I can run it whenever it needs it & I don't have to try to remember it.

So, yeah, it's a little frustrating right now & I'm sure I'll get most frustrated before he heads back out again, but hopefully, I won't blow a gasket between then & now. I don't know, I usually do, unfortunately.

A Little Progress

I've started on those Yule gifts I was talking about, and so far, the parts that I have finished are turning out quite nicely. I had to go all the way to St. George to buy the brass rings that serve as the base for the project, but Michael's had a great price on them & it was a nice little trip for Troy & I.

We got the stuff I needed for those, popped in to Target & bought our replacement stockings and an adorable present for Tiny for Yule. It's a stuffed lobster dinner, served on a flying disk "plate" and I know she'll love it, because there are no smelly rubber or plastic toys in it, which she won't touch. We also grabbed a few little things for Beth's stocking.

We browsed around in Pier 1, wishing we were rich & could afford to buy all of their nice things, but since we can't, we left without anything. It was a quick, little trip where we didn't spend much money, but we did take care of what we went down there for.

Nearly Finished

We hadn't planned a huge "Christmas" this year, in fact, we aren't even celebrating it officially in our home. We are celebrating Yule though, and not really exchanging a lot of gifts. I got Erin's dog, Bella out of the pound in Arkansas last summer & he said that could be his gift. We gave Rhi some money so she could get a new phone, and she was completely happy with that. Troy bought me a new camera back in October & I got him Fallout: New Vegas & am getting him Red Dead Redemption, too & that finishes out the gifts we're getting for us. We are exchanging gifts with our friends and are mostly done with that, as well, and what we bought for the grandbabies. We're doing stockings, but on Yule morning, so we need to get stuff for that, but all in all, I've really enjoyed the lack of stress about the upcoming holidays & worrying that everyone won't like what we bought or that we won't have enough money to get everything we "need" to buy.

I've really liked being able to focus on what the season means, hunting down the perfect card (that doesn't say "Christmas" on it) and decorating my Yule tree. I'm getting out rituals prepared, planning a couple of baby namings & Morgan's 21st birthday party. Here it is, early December and instead of scurrying around, shopping until I pass out, I have time to research the best weight loss supplements, plan our party menu, wrap gifts & surf the web. It's been incredibly nice, especially taking time this morning to go out for banana bread French toast at IHoP.

Today, I'm going to start some handmade items that I'm adding to my friends gifts, because, to me, that's truly the spirit of Yule; giving of yourself. I'm excited to get started on them & hope they turn out as I'm envisioning them.

Hmmmm

I was just sitting here, realizing that I haven't been great about remembering to take my multivitamins and such, lately, mostly because I have to eat almost immediately after taking them or I get sick to my stomach. I've been waiting until after I eat breakfast for the past couple of weeks, so then I forget completely some day. I wonder if that plays any role in my mood & my ability to eat correctly? Does anyone know? I hadn't really ever considered it, but I wouldn't doubt it plays at least a small role in some of my current difficulties.

I guess I'll set a reminder on my phone so that I don't forget anymore & see if it helps anything. It can't hurt, at any rate.

Better

I was really being a snot yesterday. Wow, I hate when I get like that, I hate feeling that insecure, and I have no idea why I allow it to bother me that much, but apparently, it really does. We solved the problem, but I really think that mostly I'm having a tough time getting used to Troy being on nights again & things like that, so that when I don't feel like I'm getting enough time with him or what I want, I turn into a spoiled brat. I'm sure that living with me when I'm doing that is about as much fun as accidently chugging a colon cleanser, so I'm going to seriously work on that over the next few weeks or so.

I need to stop being so afraid that Troy doesn't love me just because he's in the mood to play a game. I know it doesn't mean that he'll stop paying attention to me, I just have to convince myself of that fully before I can relax when he turns his computer on. Life is a funny thing sometimes & you'd think after 19 years I wouldn't be going through this, wouldn't you?

The Plague

I swear to the Gods, my skin breaks out more as a 44 year old, grown-ass woman than it did when I was a teenager. It wouldn't be so bad if I could use the same types of products I used back then to keep it under control, but my skin is so thin & dry now that I have to be more careful with it. I need some adult acne treatments that actually work, so I can stop feeling self-conscious about my face. I hate this awkward, insecure feeling, I ought to be past that in my life.

Anyway, I'm sitting here smelling burnt food that someone tried to cook, and wishing I could open windows in this house because that's a smell that I absolutely hate. I also wish that the other people who cook in this house would use a temperature beside high & remember to check on their food while it's cooking so that doesn't happen. I realize that I'm just being a bitch, but I'm in a sad & grumpy mood right now, and feeling insecure & unloved. I'll get over it, I always do.

Snow!

We had a fairly large snow storm in the night & probably have about 5" on the ground at my house. I have to specify, because I'm sure there wasn't that much everywhere in town, but I live about 2 blocks or so from the mountains & we get a lot more snow over here. The bonus to that is that it's a little bit cooler over here in the summer, too.

At any rates, we didn't get enough to need to use periscopes to see over it, so that's always a good thing. The roads weren't too terribly bad the two times I went out in it earlier, although there were a few traction problems & a bit of sliding. There weren't even too many idiots out there, yet, so I'm happy to have gotten my driving over early on & now I don't have to go out again, unless I want to.

Today I plan to get the tree put up in the living room & make the pumpkin mousse for tomorrow, and really, not a whole lot else I think. I may try to find a place to put the winter village I have, but then, I may not, who knows?

Decorating

I decided that I couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate my house for Yule, so I started today. I intend to set my notebook computer up with a Christmas Pandora station, since I have it in the kitchen, on my microwave these days & we can have some festive music playing when we want it to. I have a small tree set up in my room, but need to wait until Troy gets back to help me find the lights. I would like some garland to match my room and ornaments, so I haven't started decorating it yet.

The tree in the living room will be our 6 foot pre-lit tree & it'll have all Pagan related ornaments on it. I bought a bunch of them at Walmart the other day, believe it or not. They had a ton of birds, leaves, pine cones & the sort, plus stags & stars, they're all just gorgeous. I'm excited to have that all set up & ready to go, I think it's going to be beautiful & so much more meaningful to us this year.

My Bradford Mint (I think?) snowman that I got last year is up in it's normal spot & I also go a penguin ski slope last year, after Christmas, so it's up on the other end of the TV stand, and they both look so cute & festive. I love Yule!

Getting Better & Looking Forward

Things are much better around here, thankfully. Troy & I are working on things in our marriage & doing what we need to do to make our relationship work, however we decide to move forward. We both feel a lot more hopeful about us than we have in a very long time.

I'm very excited about Yule & can't wait to get my trees up & the house looking festive & wonderful. We got Beth's gift the other day, but have no idea what to get for Dani, so we're going to go & look at the toys for her age next payday & try to decide then. There are so many cool things out there now for babies who are 6+ months & that's what we'll look for. I got Dawn's gift on Friday, Troy, Ryan & I are going in together on something for Jason, so I just need to figure Ryan's gift out now. This is so much fun!

Finally

I finally got the boys in touch with each other & the last we heard, they were eating pizza & playing video games at Garrett & Keri's house. That was a big relief for all of us this morning. Unfortunately, Troy is having some medical issues again, which increase the stress around here & in turn, increase the medical problems. Stress, it's one of Mother Nature's thermogenic fat burners! I haven't eaten anything today at all, and honestly, with all that's going on, I don't honestly care if I ever eat again. I just have no desire for food, and don't care if I get sick, or die or whatever, I'm in a pretty deep funk at the moment, but I know eventually, I'll get over it.

Anyway, the holidays are almost upon us, and I never feel anywhere near ready, just like I don't right now. We're having our Thanksgiving dinner with our friends on Saturday & even though I know what I'm cooking, I don't have any of the ingredients yet, or even a list of what they might be. I'm cooking dinner for Troy & Rhi on Thanksgiving & am not even sure what I'm actually cooking yet. I need to get on that, so I can get my list made & go shopping in the morning (after my windshield gets replaced, that is). Busy. Sad. Tired.

Waiting

Erin called me this morning from Trinidad, Colorado, which is about 80 miles south of Pueblo, where Garrett is. He called me again later, from Pueblo, but I haven't been able to get in touch with Garrett all day, because our power went out at 9am & just came back on about 10 minutes ago. I'm really hoping I can get them in touch with each other, since Erin has an infected spider bite & needs medical attention, but can't get it unless he can take the dog somewhere safe to stay while he does. This is so aggravating.

While we were waiting for the power to come back on, we took a road trip in Troy's little car to St. George. I did a little looking for gifts for our friends, but didn't really find anything all that amazing. If Jason still smoked them, I'd start looking at all of the different cigar types and see if I could find something I thought he'd like, but he quit, so back to the drawing board on that one.

Worry

Erin has been a pretty constant source of worry since he started this big, cross-country journey of his. I have very little way of keeping in touch with him & rarely know where he is from week to week, so if he suddenly stops calling someday, I won't even know where to start looking. On October 19, he called & told us that he was married to a girl & they were coming home for Christmas. Well, we were kind of in the middle of Danica being bored & didn't really get to talk to him much about it. He called me last week to tell me that she had left him, her ex had beaten the crap out of him & that he was afraid he had contracted HIV from a dirty needle. He was supposed to call us back on Thursday & let us know what the test results were, but when he did call Troy, it was to let his drunken wife talk & apologize until the phone died.

We still have no idea, and are still very worried about him. He's going to need some very cheap health insurance if he is, unless he just plans to do nothing (which would be his speed, honestly). I just wish I could go back in time & change it all for him.

NaBloPoMo 6

I'm using the prompts page for this.

If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. You're beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. There will be men who come along in your life who try to beat you down & make you doubt yourself, hate yourself and feel less than the wonderful, beautiful person you are. They are wrong.

2. Finish school, you will regret it forever if you don't.

3. Never be afraid to just be you. The people who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

NaBloPoMo 5

I'm using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

What makes you notice someone?

It could be any number of things, to a crooked smile, a nice laugh, beautiful eyes or great hands, honestly. I think what really makes me notice people is when they're in a crowd, just happily being their own, quirky selves without reservation. I noticed a guy at the bar one night, in a sea of other people because he was doing his own little dance. It didn't hurt that he also had a great smile & such, either, but the first thing I noticed was that he was being himself in a crowd of other people trying to act like each other to fit in.

None of the people in my life, that I'm continually drawn to are conformists. None of us are "normal" by the standard definition, so I guess I'm attracted to the unusual, that thing that truly make you you.

NaBloPoMo 4

I'm using the prompts for these.

Would you rather be wealthy and ugly, wise and sickly, or beautiful and stupid?

Wow. I don't want to be ugly or stupid, that's for sure, but aren't those both fairly subjective terms? I'm sure there are many people who think I'm both, honestly, and just as many who don't. I think I'm both, myself, on some days. I think I'll just keep being me, that lady who's sometimes insecure, has low self-esteem, is moderately well-off, pretty smart & mostly content. I've never seriously wished to be anything other than I am & anything I ever want to change about myself always seems to be something that I can work on without having unreasonable & unattainable dreams.

NaBloPoMo Day 3

Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

I'll just describe the one I intend to read next, since I'm not creative enough to make anything up about a book I'd like to read that hasn't been written yet. It's a detailed history of the neo-Pagan subculture. It talks about rituals, lifestyles and the people who practice neo-Paganism. It was the book that helped me realize that what I believe has a name & that I wasn't alone in the world believing that way.

NaBloPoMo 2

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

November 2: Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you? I wear a sterling silver ring on the middle finger of my right hand. I never take it off, because I promised I wouldn't when I got it. It's a small heart with fairly large angel wings, that meet each other at the top (I'll post a picture of it after my camera gets here today). It was given to me by a vendor on the last day of our last renne faire, this past July. The booth was called "Blackheart Metals" and the vendor's name is Todd. I had been planning to buy either this ring, or the necklace that matches, because I bought the earrings last year & love them so much. The design name is "freedom" and the symbol has so much meaning to me these days, not just because we retired from the faire board, but in my own, personal life, too. I didn't make enough money at faire to justify buying anything, and gave up on it.

While we were tearing down, Troy came over & told me that Todd wanted to see me at his booth, so I went over & he gave me a big hug & told me to pick out any piece of jewelry that I wanted, so I chose the ring. His son, asked me if I would actually wear it & I looked at him & said, "Every day." and I have. It's never left my hand since then. They are such awesome people, and I'll miss them very much. Todd came by every evening & talked to us, we spent a lot of time in the mornings and slow times of the day visiting with them, and I feel like we built up a friendship, or at the very least a good beginning to one.

NaBloPoMo 1

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts this month to try to accomplish this tiny goal I'm setting for myself.

November 1: How would your life change if you didn't have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free? Wow, it would surely change in a lot of ways. I can't imagine only having to pay our standard monthly bills (which for us is only utilities, cable/internet, insurance & cell bills) and not worrying about the rent. We'd probably be able to afford to get my XTerra fixed & get Troy a car, too. That would be really nice. We could afford new furniture, granted, just a bit at a time, as our rent really isn't all that expensive, and to some people, not much at all. At any rate, life would be easier & we might actually be able to each put some money away for emergencies each month, instead of dreading something going wrong all the time.

Thursday & a Tummy Ache

My stomach is just rolling today & I have no idea why. I'm sure I didn't eat anything bad, I pretty much live on oatmeal, sandwiches & frozen dinners & all of those are fresh, so I have no clue, I just know I'm not feeling well today. I hope I'm not still feeling this way for the weekend.

I talked to Rhi this morning about her appointment yesterday, she said it went really well & she really liked the psychologist she saw & would like to go back to him when she gets insurance. He said she was definitely bipolar, which we knew, but it's nice to get verification of it. Hopefully, he'll disable her & she can at least get state disability, which will give her medicaid. Keep your fingers crossed for her!

I'm trying to get everything done in here that I need to, so I can shower & put my contacts back in & not worry too much about having to wear my readers while I'm doing important things. They don't matter much while I'm messing around on Facebook & whatnot, but if I have to do a lot of typing, they do kind of screw with me.

Some days, I wish I had a bunch of money, that way I'd buy gold online, save it & see what the market is like later on & maybe sell it at a profit. I never have money when the price is low enough to consider, but I might think about it sometime when & if the price ever drops again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a safe deposit box full of gold, just waiting for the price to go up again? Kind of like a nice little insurance policy.

Hump Day!

Rhi had an evaluation today for disability, I hope things work out for her. Having her own money & independence would be so great for her at this point. I had a great eye doctor appointment & have contacts that actually feel great in my eyes for once, so I'm a happy camper now.

Things, as usual, are busy around here. I have the use of a car about one weekday anymore, so things have to get done on that day or they don't get done at all. Today was that day, between appointments and trips to stores to get things bought, a movie & all I forgot we had wanted to get the rent paid too. It's not due until Monday, so we're fine, but, still, we wanted it out of the way.

I swear I spend so much time in the house these days that my tan is starting to fade away & I need to invest in some indoor tanning lotion. I hate winter, and I hate being pale. Come back Summer!!!!

Anyway, I need to think about shutting this thing down & resting my eyes, they're tired after the exam & getting used to contacts again.

Music

I've been sitting here all morning, putting life off & listening to Pandora radio. I'm really enjoying the mix they're sending me today, it's been really great. I usually have my Zune plugged in speakers in here, but I thought I'd give it a break & start using Pandora again. I'm getting tons of ideas for the music I want to add to my Zune by listening to music this way, at any rate.

I'm staying on track with my food, so far today, in spite of waking up starving. I usually have a day where I'm not hungry at all followed by one like today & it repeats itself fairly regularly. It can be very frustrating, especially when Troy's on day shift & dinner is late, since I do still cook for everyone in the house during the week. Well, I did until this pay period, because I'm back on the whole eating frozen dinners things for awhile, until I get back in control on my own again. I've accepted that there really isn't any quick weight loss solution out there that will work for me, and that I'm just going to have to watch everything I put in my mouth for the rest of my life. I can't get bored or bummed out & change what I'm doing, because then I stop losing weight & I'm so far from being finished still. When I reach my goal, I'll still have to watch what I eat, that will never change for me.

I hate being an addict.

A Bit Better

I'm feeling a bit better, although, I'm still a little stuffed up. I don't feel horrible, which is a bonus, right? I'm looking forward to our Samhain ritual on Saturday & the party to follow. We all always have so much fun together & just about everyone will be here, which is fantastic. We hope to go out on Friday, but if we don't manage that, it'll be fine. The weekend is going to be pretty great regardless, everyone will pretty much just be spending the night on Saturday night, so we don't have to worry about having a designated driver or anything & can just have a good time.

I've been using a new acne wash and lotion which seem to be helping my skin issues & I'm back on track with my eating, thankfully, at least for today & like any other addiction, I'm taking it one day at a time & just trying to get through them one at a time. I know that I'll beat this, I have in the past & I will again. I just wish that either I had my own vehicle or that Troy's work schedule would mellow out, so I get to the gym more than one day a week, because that would help a whole lot.

That Sniffle-y Time of Year

I'm so thankful that I got my flu shot this year, but I'm not happy that I have some sort of a bug while I'm waiting for my full immunity to kick in. I really hate feeling unwell, I have so much that I always want to be doing & hate not feeling like it. I've been wanting to finish getting my yard decorated for Halloween for a week, but haven't had the energy to actually get out there & do it yet. Instead of that I've been eating myself into a coma & I'll tell you what, that is ending. I'm done letting my insecurities make me fat. I know I'm depressed & bored & yet, I keep eating like a little pig & I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm tired of feeling fat & bloated all the time & not really remembering what it feels like to be hungry.

My skin is getting so bad from this crazy eating that I've been needing to use acne cream just to keep it to a dull roar these days & that can't be happening, either. Sheesh, I'm letting myself fall apart over here, just because my family doesn't understand me. Wahhhhh. Get a grip on yourself, Dyane, before you wake up over 300 pounds again.

Bad Phone Luck

I swear, if Rhi didn't have bad luck with phones, she'd have no luck with them at all. We signed her up for Virgin Wireless a couple of months ago. I topped her plan up after the first month & the next day, her phone disappeared. She borrowed one & it got lost or broken, then she found hers again (out in an empty lot, we were all amazed). I topped it up again this month & it disappeared that day. Troy bought her a new one after the weekend, we both told her it was the last one we were going to buy for her, and this evening I get a call from an unknown number. It was her, telling me her friend's puppy ate the 3 day old phone.

This guy has said he'll buy her another one tomorrow, so I hope he sticks with that & we aren't faced with her being hysterical again over not having one. Life, I think, was easier when cells were so expensive you were lucky to have one for the whole family.

It's like printers, everyone has one now, but back in the day, you might have one per family & finding ink was expensive & hard, especially trying to remember if yours needed the 108R00723 cartridge or the 108R00725A one. You'd carefully write it down, then either not be able to read what you wrote, the store would be out of the one you needed or you left the note at home. What a pain in the butt. Cell phones are like that for me right now.

Yawn!

I really, really wish that Jaycie would realize that not all of us are up & ready to text at 7:30am. I realize that she gets up at around 6 & heads for school pretty early, but I earned the extra sleep. I put in countless early morning hours when I was raising my kids, I don't get up that early on most days. She texted me awake today, but I didn't bother responding this time. I did, however, drag my ass out of bed & got started on my laundry. It's all done now, except for drying my sheets. I got that started & got my bed changed, so at least I accomplished something this morning. I think I'd have rather slept awhile longer, though.

Yesterday I had to take a short nap before I cooked dinner, since I was sitting here, doing something on my computer & the next thing I knew I was jerking awake. I didn't even realize that I was all that tired, honestly.

Anyway, I'm tired today, but at least I know that, right? I'm hoping to have a better day today, at any rate. Yesterday, my eyes itched all day long, I ruined the keyboard on my laptop and had to accept that my camera is broken. Today, I have an external keyboard hooked up, my eyes don't itch, I still have no camera, but I'm alive & getting things done. Maybe I'll be able to stay on track with my eating today, too, that'll make me feel good about myself.

I'm thinking about looking into health care careers, but not nursing or anything like that. I'm not sure, really, what interests me, that I can actually make a living at, so I have to kind of look at everything that I've ever even considered doing, you know? I wish I had spent more of my life thinking about this stuff so that I had a clear picture now.

Fall

This used to be my favorite time of year. The summers were just too hot & the winters were too cold, so Fall was just about perfect for me. Anymore, though, I have a hard time letting go of my summers. We all love to camp together, and we seem to spend more quality time working on our friendships during those warm, long days & nights. I was so sad this year after our last camping trip, knowing we'd have to wait until spring to go again. I don't hate Fall, not at all, it just isn't my favorite anymore. I still love th way the air feels & smells, and the beautiful leaves and Halloween and everything, so it's probably a very close second.

Rhi is doing well, we're waiting nervously for her court date on the first, not knowing if they're going to put her in jail or what. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 27th for disability. We're hoping that he'll give her a prescription for Zoloft while she's there, so she can get back on what seems to work really well for her.

Erin called yesterday morning. He had been working at a restaurant in New Orleans, near a place that sold wholesale water filters, but that didn't work out for him. He has another new girlfriend & was in Houston. They were heading to Lubbock & then west in the hopes of making it here by the holidays. He got everything he owned (pretty much) stolen in New Orleans, so he's hurting for stuff again. It makes me so mad when that happens, he had so little to begin with, you know?

Exciting News

Erin called Troy a couple of times after he talked to me, just to make sure his dad was okay & all. He mentioned that while he's working on the oil spill he wants to save enough money to pay his fines & if he can't do that, he's wanting to come home & just turn himself in, so he can do his time & get it over with. He wants to go to college to try to be a vet tech, or just find a job or something & try to start figuring his life out. He told Troy, "I'm 22 now, I need to do something with my life." I'm so excited that he may be coming home for good, I've missed him so much, I know we all have.

I'll lose the best fat burners I've ever experienced, which has been the stress & worry about him, but trust me, I'll find something else. It'll be so worth it! I know Rhi will be ecstatic to find this out, she has missed having her big brother around to talk to. I think it'll be good for her to have someone like him to talk to.

Well, time to get the car loaded for our trip tomorrow.

I Love Momopathy

Erin called me this morning, he said he'd been feeling like he needed to for a couple of days. I love when I'm able to broadcast the "call home" signal to him & he picks it up, no matter where he is. He sounds great, he was sober & sounded like he was happy & well. Apparently, Bella messed her tail up when she was hit by that car last month, so she had to have a minor amputation & go on antibiotics, but he says she's doing great now.

He's in Florida right now & headed for New Orleans to see if he can get on with the oil spill clean up & earn enough money to come home & pay his fines. He's been talking about just coming home & doing his time so that he doesn't feel like a fugitive every time he is here. He'd like to be able to come whenever he likes & have a home base, but still have the freedom to be out & about with his friends, without the fear of being picked up & put in jail.

I, never in a million years, would have imagined my life like this. I thought I'd be giving my daughter or daughter-in-law advice on how to increase breast milk production and my sons advice on how to be good dads & fathers at this point in my life. Instead, I give a son & daughter advice on jail & facing up to their actions & try to advise the other one about arguing in public & dragging the whole world into it. What a life, huh?

Missing

I'm missing Erin today. I haven't heard from him since I sent him the money to get Bella out of the pound. I hope he's okay & that all is well. I dreamed of him the other day, dreamed that he texted me (which has never happened) and said "Hey mom, it's Erin. I'm on my way home." In a way it was comforting, but also kind of scary. I don't know why the dream bothered me, but it surely did.

I think of him often. I wonder if he has a new girlfriend, how Bella is, if he's eating enough & drinking too much. I wonder if his nodular acne ever cleared up, if he still has dreads, if he'll be warm enough this fall & mostly where he is & if he's safe. Thankfully, most of you have no idea what it's like to never know where one of your kids is & if they're alive. I wish I didn't know what it's like, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. I try to convince myself, daily, that he is okay & that he'll continue to be okay, but I have days, like today, when I miss him & it's very, very hard. Hopefully, he'll call me soon.

Good Morning, World!

I slept pretty good last night, and probably would have even managed to sleep in if Rhi hadn't texted at 7:30 to make sure the front door was unlocked. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but it just wasn't going to happen, especially since I woke Tiny up & she wanted out, then back in, then out again. Crazy dog. I feel like I probably got enough sleep, but I got spoiled by being able to sleep as late as I like on most days.

I'm working on making t-shirts for me & my friends, and hope to get at least two done today, so that I only have two more to finish tomorrow. I have one ready to go, as far as the stencil being cut out & ready to iron on & it won't take me more than an hour to cut out another. I may just work on getting the other stencils done today, so I can do the shirts one after another. I like the painting part, I'm just not crazy about the stencil cutting, it's tiring & can be very frustrating.

I was thinking about my skin last night, as I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep & I wonder if the anti aging product I've been using to wash my face is playing a role in the acne, since it's the only thing I've really changed about that routine. I make sure I wash my face twice a day, once in the shower & then before bed, so I'm not leaving make up on overnight or anything. Maybe I'll try switching back to my old stuff & see if that helps at all.

Dry Skin

I've noticed that my skin has really been dry over the past few months, which is really unusual for me, especially in the summer. I've been making sure I use lotion after I get out of the shower & my face moisturizers twice a day (daytime & night time), but so far, all that's happening is me needing to use more lotion & getting acne. I can't seem to win.

My hair is all dried out from over-bleaching it, too, so I look like a hot mess these days, I'm sure. Oh well, can't be a beauty queen all the time, right? Not that I ever am, but you get what I'm trying to say. I take care of myself, I wear makeup, I shower, I dress nicely, so I'm doing what I can to look my best, I can't do anything else.

I'm pretty, freaking tired of this cold I have, though. I'd love to just feel normal again & not either be congested or running like a faucet. I'd love it if my head & throat weren't killing me & I could stop running a low-grade fever. It doesn't look good for me for the winter, if I'm already getting sick.

Lazy & Sick

I've been slacking ever since I caught this cold, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't automatically turn to comfort food the minute I start feeling poorly. So, I'm sick, feeling like crap & eating crap, which makes me feel worse & probably slows down my recovery time, too. Way to go, Dyane. I'll have to start my running where I left off last week instead of moving forward, since it's been a week or so since I even bothered with it. I hate when I do that to myself, so maybe I'll make it to the gym tomorrow.

I need to go to St. George & look at getting some shoes to run in. I've thought about some Nike Shox, because I know that brand fits me & is comfortable, which is hard to find when you have orthopedic issues like I do. I think I'll probably try on several styles and brands before I make a final decision, since shoes aren't cheap & I want a pair that feels great & will work for what I need it to.

Anyway, I need to take the trash out (after I bring the can in from the street), take some cold medicine & probably do some other stuff, too. I can't sit around on my computer much these days, I get too bored.

Summer is Winding Down

It's almost Mabon, which means that summer will be gone, autumn begun & we can start looking for snow. Yay. Not. I have to honestly say that I'm not a fan of the winter months, especially since we seem to have an extremely long season here. Oh well, I'll spend my time thinking about spring & summer & planning out camping trips & that'll hopefully keep me from losing my mind.

I worry about Erin out there when it gets cold, like I did last year. His poor dog doesn't care for the cold, at all, and she doesn't have much choice in the matter. He's never been crazy about it, either, which is one thing that kind of surprises me about his lifestyle. He was the one who never wanted to be outside, because the weather was always either too hot or too cold, now he's rarely inside, unless they get lucky & score a companion that can swing a fort lauderdale car rental for awhile or has a house they can stay in. You'd be surprised at the places he stays & the number of people he knows that either have cars or can rent them. He actually starts getting too antsy when he's staying in a house for too long these days, though.

Anyway, I have a lot to do still today before our friends get here & it's not getting done while I update my blogs, so I'd better go.

Tired, but Busy

I'm really pretty much emotionally wrung out this week. Things have been somewhat chaotic around here & while it's better than it was, I'm still recovering from it all, so I feel exhausted all the time. I have managed to keep busy through it all, by getting some sewing done, setting my altar up & making sure the house is clean & dinners are cooked. I made it to the gym today with Dawn & ran 1 3/4 miles & walk 3/4. Tomorrow, I'll do it again & work on some weight training, too. This evening, we plan to take a walk & take advantage of the still-warm weather while we can. That should put me in pretty good shape for my weigh-in tomorrow morning, I'm really hoping to break this plateau & be out of the 220s for the first time, since I've been stuck here since January & I'm really frustrated over it.

We never did get started on any of our planned rv repairs yet, but hopefully we can at least sit down & figure out what needs to be done & get a list made. I know that a lot of people in my life probably think I have no interest in getting it done now, but I really do & would love to have it & be able to use it.

I'm frustrated with a lot of things at the moment, the biggest being my parents. We have things going on that they ought to be talking to me about, but they act as if everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie, so they will only talk to Troy. I get that they don't agree with a decision he & I made recently, I'm sure they don't even understand that we made it together, they think it was all me & I'm a terrible person who is hurting Troy & being selfish & mean. Whatever, that's fine.. but I'm their daughter, I need them, I need to know they still love me, but right now, I really don't. That hurts me a lot. I guess I need to at least talk to my mom about it & I will, but I'm not strong enough to right now.

Wow. Really?

It's already September? How did that happen? Where did the long, carefree days of summer drift off to? I know we had a pretty terrific time, we went camping a lot, hung out with friends and a lot of things in our lives changed. Some were pretty drastic, some had been a long time in coming & one took us by complete surprise. Things are going to be strange in our home for awhile, but we'll adjust & adapt, we're very good at that.

I'm dreading winter & the cold. My bedroom is pretty much frigid in the winter, and I'm never warm. I realize a lot of that is the weight I've lost & I'm okay with that, but I work in my room & have arthritis in my hands, so it's very painful to type. I may have to move my laptop out to the living room when I'm doing anything, just for the winter.

Here in the high desert, the weather has already started to cool down, the grass is trying to go dormant & the leaves will change soon. People are putting their above ground pools away & winterizing their in-ground pools, packing up patio furniture & getting their yards ready for the cold months. We have a very short summer here & fall & spring vary so much between warm & cold that they mostly feel like winter, too. I love living here, it's a beautiful, spiritual place, but I could use a longer summer.

We have one, final camping trip scheduled, but not on the mountain. We'll go to a different lake, where it stays warm longer & celebrate Troy & Morgan's birthdays & have a fun weekend together, saying goodbye to summer.

Stuff

I neglected to mention that Erin's dog, Bella, ended up being fine. He called me a couple of days ago to tell me that she had just finished her medicine & was walking around, although not liking it much yet. He said she was still in a lot of pain, but thankfully, they've been in a car for awhile, so no hitch-hiking or hopping trains. That will give her a better chance of a full recovery. He had such agony in his voice when he called me to tell me she had been hit, I hope to never hear him so miserable again.

Rhi has been having a pretty terrible time lately, breaking up & making up with her boyfriend. I swear, he's killing off all of the really great parts of her personality & turning her into a blank slate so her can program her into whatever he wants in a partner & that really pisses me off. She's already a really awesome person & in my opinion, it's his loss if he can't see that. I hope they're done for good this time & she can move on & find that person inside again.

I've also been trying to plan for the cold, winter months, since this house gets so cold, especially this bedroom. I know I'm going to cover all of the windows in plastic & get an electric blanket for the bed, but I'm not sure what else I can do, without raising the bills to an unmanageable amount. My parents have these heaters that are realyl good on electricity usage, but I don't know what type they are or how much they cost, I think one would be perfect in here if we can find them. We'll also set the Hunter ceiling fans to turn the opposite direction, forcing the warm air down, which will help. I just know that I'm really not looking forward to it.

Planning for the Future

I'm in a place in my life right now, where I'm starting to make some plans regarding my future & what I want to do next, you know? I really want to go to college & try to get a career of my own (I know, weird at 44, but I do), but I haven't decided whether to go to Southern Utah University (which is in my town) or to try for one of the many online schooling options out there. I know Dawn wants to go to college, too & I'm probably going to wait until she's free to pursue that, too, before I make any final decisions.

I have no idea what in the world I'd like to major in, well, I do, but the job possibilities here are just about zero. I'd love to become a forensic pathologist (and have always had that interest), but we have about one murder a year here & it's generally domestic. Not much challenge in that, I think our whole CSI department has 3-4 people in it. I don't want to leave here, my family is here, my friends are here, so I have to re-evaluate what else I'd like to do. It's a good thing I have a couple of years to get my poop in a group, I guess.

Sleeping Better

I'm doing a lot better than I was the last time I posted, thankfully. I've been sleeping again & able to put my mind to rest at night, too, at least on most nights anyway. There are a lot of things changing in my life right now & it's hard not to think about them, of course, but I'm not worrying & obsessing anymore, which was why I wasn't sleeping.

We've had a very sad August around here so far, though. On the first my mom's Westie, Sugar died. She'd been having a lot of problems for a few weeks & we knew it was coming, but it was sad just the same. She was a funny, sweet little dog. Yesterday morning, Erin's dog, Bella was hit by a car. Erin was a mess when he called me, I had to make him repeat himself 3-4 times before I could understand him. He was pretty sure she wasn't going to make it & if so, would be paralyzed (the vet called today & she's going to be fine), as I was processing this, my dad called to tell me their other dog, Ginger had died, as well.

We went over there today & it seemed so weird not to have them barking at us, it made me very sad. I'm really hoping that no more dogs get hurt or die this month, I'm not sure we could handle it at this point.

I guess school starts here pretty soon, I'm not sure, since we don't have kids in school anymore, but I know the stores are packed full of people shopping for school stuff & I even saw some snow boots for sale the other day, which also makes me sad, I'm so not ready for summer to be gone yet. I'm not sure I ever am anymore, though. It's been my favorite season for about 3 years now, I just love the laid back feeling & extra time we get to spend with our friends, I'll really miss it this year, I think.

So Very Tired

I haven't had a full night's sleep in days & I'm exhausted. I have so much stuff rolling around in my head, all the time that it just won't let me rest. I need to sleep & I need to start eating more, which I also haven't been doing. Stress does horrible things to my body & I'm reaping that this week. I know I can't keep doing this for very much longer, I just can't. I need to find some gold bullion in the attic, I'm tellin' ya.

In other stuff, Rhi has a status hearing this afternoon, regarding the minor consumption ticket she got back in March. You'd think a charge like that would like it is in most places, where you pay the ticket & move on, especially between 18-21 years old, but no. She actually has to go to court, and go through a whole process to get past it, including a fine that is several hundred dollars. It's ridiculous.

I haven't really heard from Erin since faire, even though I think he tried to call me yesterday. I imagine that he'll try again & I won't miss it this time. Hopefully, at any rate.

Anyway, I'm really thinking about going & lying don to try to get a little more sleep, so I can get through this hearing with her later. Bleh.

Doing Better

Rhi & I have finally, after many years, reached a place where I can deal with her manic phases & not drive either of us more crazy. I was thinking too much like a man & trying to fix it every time she'd have one & that wasn't helping either one of us, so now I just let her rant & rave & vent & do her thing & know that when she's done, everything will be fine. We've done a lot of talking this past week & it's nice that she's starting to rely on me again & feels like she can trust me, it's been a long time since we've had that type of relationship.

In other news, the camping trip was pretty fantastic & we already have the next one planned & I can't wait to go. I love being up there on the mountain, away from the world, with no distractions & the freedom to do whatever we want to. I would say we leave the modern conveniences behind, but that would be a flat-out lie, since this last time we had a laptop, 2 netbooks, 3 mp3 players & a generator, but for most of us, that's so we have music to listen to all weekend long. The only radio station we can get up there is the Top 40 one & you can only hear so much Lady GaGa in a weekend before your ears start bleeding.

Our next trip will only be for the actual weekend, at least for us, but it'll be just as good, because any time you sped with good friends is a good time. We have one more coming up in September to celebrate Morgan & Troy's birthdays, but we're going somewhere different because it'll be too cold on the mountain by then. Next summer, we have some big plans for Lake Powell & I'm really excited about that, because I haven't been since I was 16 & I think it'll be a blast.

Catching Up on Life

It seems like we get so busy in the summer, between faire, camping & everything else we plan to & do get to do that I fall behind on everything else, especially the house. I've been trying every day since faire (minus the camping trip) to get caught up on my Facebook requests, without much luck. I think I'm just about there, though. I've spent today cleaning house, cooking (crockpot) and getting caught up & haven't done much else, so I'm actually making a little progress.

I don't like that we make all of these plans for our house or yard or whatever & they never seem to happen, though. It's fairly upsetting to me. We wanted to get lawn furniture & keep the backyard nice & maybe build an outdoor fireplace, but none of that really ever happened. We tried with the lawn, but it just kept dying, more & more. It just gets so hot back there that unless the sun has gone down, it's no fun to even be there. We were going to save up for furniture, but that hasn't happened yet, either, so, I guess we'll see what the future holds & if we get better at keeping our promises to ourselves.

Getting Ready to Leave

We're just about ready to load the car & head out. I'm pretty excited, as I always seem to be when we go camping. I just want to read, write & take pictures this weekend, and probably listen to a lot of music & enjoy time with my friends. This is what summer is all about to me, being in the great outdoors, sleeping under the stars & just relaxing. These are the things I miss so much when summer is over & what I look forward to every spring.

This will be a time to get away from the every day hassles, worries, concerns & questions about diet pills that work and a chance to just be myself & not have to concentrate on my normal life. I really do need to get the car loaded, head to the store & then over to Dawn's though, so we can hit the road. You all have a great weekend!

Ouch!

I hate the days when I wake up in so much pain, that that's all I can really even focus on. My back has been killing me since I woke up, I thought getting out of bed would help, but so far, it hasn't. I took my daily dose of ibuprofen & it hasn't even tried to touch the pain, yet. So, basically, I'm just miserable & I can't see an end in sight for it. I'm so tired of hurting all the time, I am beginning to wonder if a new mattress will even help or if I'm just screwed from here on out.

I know that I also have terrible posture, especially when sitting here at the computer, and hours of reading apidexin reviews and other things doesn't help much. I can't wait to get back to walking or working out every day, this sluggish life I've been leading lately is for the birds & it isn't helping me feel better or look better, either. I think I'm on the road to finding my motivation again & working on reaching my goal. I know that I don't want to ever be as big as I was again & that I enjoy getting smaller & smaller. I think a lot of my flagging resolve has to do with people in my life giving up & going back to the way things used to be & that's fine for them, but I can't let myself do that. This week, while camping, I intend to try very hard to eat right & in moderation, that's all I can do. I can't keep living out of control like I have been.

Pregnancy & Such

No, not me, although I did claim to be to Troy this morning, as a joke that both of us know would never be true. Morgan is having a tough time, emotionally, this time around. She feels like she's in the dark most of the time, regarding her partners finances and other things & I feel for her & hope she can find a way to talk to him about all of this stuff. I remember the first time around, with Beth, all she was worried about was which stretch mark cure really worked, and what the baby would look like and all of that. Now it seems likes she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I hope things will start to come together for her, it's hard enough being a mommy, but going into something & feeling unsure all the time is even harder.

I'm feeling very lazy today, I took a very long nap & now I'm groggy & just want to go back to sleep. I have a lot to do today, but I can't do my laundry for the camping trip until Troy is done with his laundry & I can't really even take my shower until he's done, either. So, I guess I'll fix something to eat & see how much more he has to do & then go from there. I was feeling like a Harry Potter marathon, but I'm not sure if I have the energy to stay awake through them all now.

The Last One

Faire is over for another year & for us, forever, at least the volunteering part of it. We still haven't decided whether we'll go back & just play yet, or not. I can't picture Troy wandering around the park in a t-shirt & rocawear jeans, any more than I can see me doing that, so if we don't go to play, we won't go at all, I'm sure.

It all just got to be too much for us & we weren't having any fun. I knew when all I could think of was faire being over so I could listen to my new music & so we could go camping. In the past, we never wanted it to end, but that was back when we still got to play & have fun, which I can't remember the last time that happened for us. I'd love to go back as a guild & do the things all of the others do, and not have to work, I don't see them letting us do that, but it would really be nice if they did.

We have had offers from other Guilds, so we will have a place to park our butts when we get tired, but it's never the same as having your on space, you know? So, I guess we'll see what the future brings, we may just end up going to Age of Chivalry in Vegas & calling this one quits, at least for us.

Yuck.

I just feel like garbage today. I'm tired, my stomach is queasy & I don't even want to get dressed & go to faire. At all. I know how to lose weight fast, but this isn't it. I haven't been eating very well this week, when I actually remember to eat at all. I had baked chips & cherries for dinner when we got home last night, because nothing else even sounded remotely good. I didn't eat lunch until about 3 yesterday & had a hard time keeping my breakfast down. Today? I'm not even hungry at all yet, which is very unusual for me, I'm usually starving as soon as I get up in the morning.

Anyway, I'm stressed today & probably won't have time for a shower, since it looks like it's going to storm today & I really need to get dressed & head to the park to get the stuff that will be water damaged into the plastic bins.

Carefree Childhood

This week is the busiest of the year for us, the week of the Utah Midsummer Renaissance Faire. It starts today at 8:30 for us, with the Independence Day parade (yes, it's a day late, this is Utah, and yesterday was Sunday). We can't start setting the park up until the festivities on the park are all cleaned up, so we'll be working very late tonight to get the stage up & built. Tomorrow will start at 8:00, since we intend to have our encampment setup first thing, followed by our booth, so we can take care of everything else that has to be done that day.

I'd love to just go back to being one of the guilds who visits the faire every year, just once. It would be nice to hang out in our encampment, demonstrate some stuff & just add color to the faire, but honestly, I can't remember when that was all our Guild did, we've been volunteering, at least in some capacity, for 15 years now & we've been in Utah for 17, so pretty much, all of the time I've been with a Guild, we've been working at the faire.

It would be like going back to a carefree childhood, after years of worrying about paying rent, maintaining vehicles, your home ventilation, buying clothes for growing children, and taking care of everything else. Would we appreciate it, or would it just be a hassle after so much time "being in charge?" I'm thinking it would be hard for us to step back, really, we'd still be working, at least in our thoughts & wouldn't be able to relax anyway.

Just Sleepy

I know I didn't get enough sleep last night & should have gone to bed long before I did. I guess I thought the cats would let me sleep later than they do very other morning of my life. I was sadly mistaken & now it's all I can do to keep my eyes open, and of course, Troy is on night shift this week & is asleep in the bedroom. I don't want to go in & bother him, so unless I want to sleep on the couch (which is very uncomfortable) I'm stuck. Hopefully after while I'll start to feel less sleepy, because I hate days like this. I have far too much to do to sit around fighting sleep all day.

One thing I have to do today for sure is to get the buttons for faire designed & sent off to be approved so I can get them printed, because I'm far to late to try online printing because I put it off way too long. I've got to stop doing that, seriously. We leave on our camping trip in the morning, so I won't get a chance to work on them any more until Sunday, which is why I have to today. After the printing is done I have to actually make the buttons, which will be the time-consuming part & they have to be done before set-up week starts, which pretty much means I have until the 2nd. There are plenty of other things that I need to so, but none will be as mind-numbing as this, so I'd better get on it.

Dropped the Ball

I made a brilliant decision to put Rhi back on St. John's Wort for her depression, because it worked so well for her when she was younger. Of course, I didn't bother talking to her about it or anything, I just went out & bought it & brought it home for her. She was more than willing to start taking it again, but then she told me that when she gets back on the pill, she'll have to stop. Apparently one of it's interactions is with estrogen & makes the pill less effective, which defeats the purpose of even putting her on the pill. So, I dropped the ball on that.

That'll teach me to start reading warnings before I buy, like the side effects of clinislim, should I ever start taking that (I don't see that happening, but you never know) or interactions of herbal supplements. I used to be very good at doing that, somewhere along the line, I started slipping. I gotta get back on my game, I swear!

My "game" for tonight, however, is getting things done in preparation for faire, so I'm going to get started on that. Have a great night!

Stupid Skin

Summer is the only time it really bothers me, mostly because I'm showing off more skin, and feel like people are looking at me more. I really need to find an affordable eczema treatment, and get these patches cleared up. If that's not what it is, I need to go to the doctor & find out what it actually is, so I can get that cleared up. I'm tired of being self-conscious about my arms.

I had an amusing surprise while I was out shopping with my mom & Rhi this afternoon. We got to Bealls a lot, because my mom gets awesome coupons & shares them with me. We were checking out, and standing there just kind of chit-chatting & Rhi said something about Erin. The guy checking us out looks up at me & says, "I miss Erin." I looked closer & he started talking about how he & Erin had a band once & worked at KFC together & all of that & I finally realized the guy was the former singer in the band. He looked so clean cut & straight now that I would never have recognized him otherwise, It was hilarious. It was good seeing him, though & I told him to keep in touch with Erin so he could let him know when he was going to be in town next, so they can see each other.

Feeling Disconnected

I'm sure that all parents of adults feel out of touch with their kids at times. I'm going through on of those times. I think social networking sites want to make you feel like you're a part of peoples lives, but sometimes they just show you how out of touch you are. All of my kids have friends that I have no idea who they even are, it's more apparent with Rhi, because occasionally, they come & pick her up or she mentions them, and I'm sitting there thinking, "I didn't even know you had a friend named ----" and so on.

With Erin, he adds different people every day to his MySpace, people with strange names & strange appearances, I know, he meets them on the road and they all look normal to each other, but to a mother? Not so normal. I couldn't be more surprised if he listed one of his favorite websites as www.dietpillsformen.com, honestly. There are days when I just try to grin & bear it because I can't do anything else.

Garrett sometimes thinks I know what he's talking about when I don't & doesn't give me anymore information about whatever situation it is. I feel completely cut off in those circumstances, I wish I could change it, but he's 800 miles or so away, what can I do? Nothing.

No one tells you this will happen, though. They all make it seem like it's all good, all the time & everyone is one, big happy family. I don't even know why I bought into that in the first place, because I know that it isn't true. My parents could have told me that, or I could have seen it if I had just looked close enough. I guess that would be my own, damned fault, wouldn't it?

Happy Memorial Day!

Other than today being the unofficial start of Summer, today is a time to remember. A day to remember those who have fallen in defense of our country, our very way of life. I have so many people in my life that have served, and thankfully, all of them have come home safely. So today, I will forget about thoughts of face wash, diets, what workout is the best for me, Lipofuze and my dying lawn & say thank you.

Thank you, Preston.
Thank you, Phil.
Thank you, Dad.
Thank you, Craig.
Thank you, Troy.
Thank you, Steven.
Thank you, Shane.
Thank you, Ryan.
Thank you, Clay.
Thank you, Glen.
Thank you, Kurt.

And thank you to everyone who has ever served this great country, in peace & in wartime, you are what makes this country the nation she is.

This has been a momentous week for me. From last Monday through last night, so many things have happened in my life, I just can't even believe it. We finally put my grandmother to rest, visited our old home town, made peace with my long-lost brother and made contact with an old friend. We watched out grand-daughter turn 3 and today we'll celebrate the engagement of a friend. What a crazy 7 days!

Great Party!

Beth and everyone else had such a great day yesterday. I think this was the best birthday party ever, honestly. We rented a bounce house for 3 hours, so that was how the party got started, and that was pretty much all the kids could focus on, even through dinner. That's not really surprising, since little kids seems to have a food aversion anyway, unless it's sticky or sweet, right?

The only way we tore them away from the bounce for any length of time was to give them cake and let them make ice cream sundaes. The ice cream seemed to be a big hit with them, but all Beth cared about was the Tinkerbell toys on top of it. She let that idea go while she was opening her gifts, and she really enjoyed all of them. Her face lit up so brightly when she saw Troy with her tricycle, she looked up and said "That's my bike!" and was so excited she was shaking. It was just fantastic!

After everyone but Dawn, Jason & Davy left, we got things cleaned up & then we all played Rock Band for a couple hours or so. Sometimes it seems like we don't want to let go of the day when it's such a good one, you know? We had a great time together, then the day full of sun & good times took it's toll on all of us & it was time to say goodnight.

Today, Troy & I got the boxes in the bedroom unpacked & taken care of, so that was the one thing I wanted to get done this weekend & we actually did it, instead of continuing to put it off. He found a whole box of clothes that he'd been wondering where they had gotten off to, which was a very good thing & I found a bunch of stuff I'd been missing, like my jewelry & my collagen face cream. Hopefully my skin will start to shape up again now. Right now I look like an old lady, I swear!

Anyway, I need to step outside & turn the sprinklers on the front lawn & then hook up the hose so we can get the lawn by the road. The grass is trying to die on us & we can't have that. I love having a nice yard too much to take the chance.

Good News

We finally found out that due to the new healthcare reform laws, Rhi will qualify to receive our insurance again, until she's 26. This is so important to us, she's been having a lot of stomach aches & throwing up & we've all been very worried about her. e'll have to pay for her coverage, but we have pretty cheap health insurance, thankfully. I don't really care about the cost at this point, she needs to be able to go to the doctor & this is the only way that can happen.

Another weird thing? I'm in contact with the brother I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years & we seem to be trying to work out our issues. I hope so, I've missed him & it would be nice to have him in my life again, at least as much as he can be living out there & all. So, we'll see how that goes. I guess I'm going to pop some corn, get a cold drink & watch a little TV for awhile now. I'm tired, but want to relax a bit.

Finally Closure

My parents, Troy & I took a trip up to the northern part of the state, to Tooele, on Monday. When we got up, we had a bit of snow on the ground & there was rain in the forecast at both ends of the state, so I tried to dress as appropriately as possible, it's hard when you aren't sure what it's going to do.

The reason behind the trip was to make arrangements to have my grandmother's ashes interred with my grandfather. Since they already had a plot in Tooele & he was already buried there, it made sense to place her ashes with him. We'd been putting it off for one reason or another for almost 2 years & it was time to get it done, so we could all move on.

We went in the same car with my parents, and actually had a pretty time on the drive up, stopping in Delta at the cheese factory store & buying some curds, feta and such. e tried some mozzarella we were leaving that had to be the creamiest & best tasting I had ever had in my life. I had already paid and so I didn't get any, but my mom did. We left Delta and there was a lot of snow on the ground for quite a long ways after that. I started wishing I had worn my boots, since I didn't want my feet to get cold.

We finally got to Tooele, made our way to the cemetery office right on time, since it would close about 45 minutes later. We finally, after a few minutes, managed to convey what we were trying to do to the lady working there, went to the city offices to pay the fee & then to Walmart to buy a flower arrangement for the graves. In the meantime, Troy have called the monument place to try to get the date of grandma's death put on the headstone & we found out it was going to be nearly $300. We bought paint & sealer & I planned to add it myself.

When we got back to the cemetery they were burying her ashes, so we had to wait a bit. Dad & I wandered around awhile, seeing if anyone we had known was buried anywhere nearby, but the wind was much too cold for us to do that for very long. After they were done, we got the arrangement we had bought set up & I painted the date on & sealed it. Everything looked nice and well taken care of. We said goodbye to Tooele, since none of us plans to go up there for anything again (we lived there until I was 7 1/2) it was sort of bittersweet.

I couldn't get the mozzarella out of my head, so we stopped at the cheese store again on our way past & I bought some, and a pound of Danish mozzarella, pickled baby beets & pumpkin butter, too. Mom got Danish mozzarella & pineapple salsa. We were all so tired when we got home that all any of us could think about was bed. It was a good trip & it's done now, so we all feel so much better about it now.

Busy Already.

Troy & I got up at 5am to go & volunteer at our co-op, spent 2 1/2 hours doing that, followed our volunteer coordinator out to the store to unload our boxes for recycling, then came home, unloaded our baskets & ran to the store to buy buns, soda & plate plates & such. We got home, and I called mom & dad to come & pick their basket up. While we were waiting for them, I fixed my breakfast.

After they got here, we visited awhile, as we usually do. Troy took dad out to get the weed eater we need fixed, and take another look at the smokehouse & garden and all of that. Rhi got up during all of this & my dad told her he was almost ready for the two of them to go fishing. I showed my mom my new sundresses and we looked at the flowers coming up and everything. Right now, Troy & I are hanging out on our computers & staying out of the way while Rhi cleans, but in a few minutes we'll go down to my brother's house to borrow his tiller for our yard & I'll grab my grandma's recipe box, too.

I doubt that we get anything tilled up today, because we still have yard word to do before the party, but I know we'll do some while Troy's off this weekend, because I want to start getting stuff for the garden on payday. There are other things I need, like adult acne treatments and a cover for our gazebo, but we really need to get this garden in the ground or we'll have nothing this summer, so I'm willing to wait a little while longer, it'll be worth it in the long run.

20 Already

A week ago, my little girl turned 20. It's so hard for me to believe that I have absolutely no teens in my house anymore. I never thought the day would come. A lot of people don't look at 20 as a big milestone year, but I really do, it's the year you leave the teens behind you. We took her & her boyfriend out for dinner that evening & they both seemed to enjoy it.

We had originally planned to have her birthday party on the 9th, not realizing that was Mother's Day at the time, so we changed it to the 15th & are having a nice barbecue for her & our friend Davy, if he shows up. I made up a dozen turkey burger patties today & popped them in the freezer so they won't fall apart on the grill & bought hot dogs & veggies burgers, so we should have a pretty good meal together. I'm looking forward to it & so is Rhi.

We were going to get her an external hard drive, like she asked for, but when we upgraded our cell plan she needed a different phone to be able to fully use it, so we bought her that instead. She's happy with it, that's all that really matters.

What a Difference!

Jason was like a new man yesterday! It was amazing. We went out for our walk & Jason was the most gung-ho of all of us. He was raring to go, no matter how long it took or how far we were going. We went the entire 3 miles & he felt great about it. He was hurting when we were done, but that's to be expected, 3 miles is the longest he's walked in a long, long time. He finally has goals again & even made a pledge to the Pound-for-Pound Challenge. He & Garrett have a little side bet going to see which of them can lose the most weight by the end of the year, with each of them encouraging the other. I think it's awesome!

I just hope that he experiences some pretty quick weight loss, at least in the beginning, because otherwise, it can really get frustrating & you just want to quit. He can't afford to do that, not with his health already so compromised, he has to stay motivated & eager to get healthy, at least at this point in time.

Speaking of motivation, I need to get the house done before I lose the little I have today!

Fun Times

We had a pretty good time this past weekend, in spite of some scary stuff going on. I have four best friends: Troy (obviously), Dawn, Ryan and Jason. Dawn, Ryan & Jason all went to Baker reservoir this past Saturday to celebrate Jason's brother Day's birthday. We weren't able to go because Troy had to work that night. Apparently, Jason had been up all the night before, not feeling well and hadn't really told anyone. They got to the lake & he couldn't eat or really even enjoy himself, to the point that as the day grew later, Dawn started asking him if he needed to go to the ER. He finally said that he didn't know & that was enough for her. She & Nate (another good friend) loaded him up & headed for St. George, because they were closer to that hospital than ours & they have a better ER staff than we do.

After a few hours they found out his blood sugars were over 600 & realized that was most likely the problem, although they didn't rule out an ulcer, his gall bladder or colitis either. He was admitted & Dawn headed home. In the meantime, those of us here in town, help a healing circle for him and then a few of us hung out afterwards. Dawn eventually showed up here & everyone left at around 3:30am or so.

Beth was very cute because she walked in, half asleep & instantly said, "Where Papa?" When I told her he was at work she nodded & sat down on the couch, falling asleep, I'm sure. The day before, she wanted to know "Where Tiny?" and "Where Aunt Rhi?" so she's really starting to get who lives here and enjoys playing in the yard so much.

We got a bit more time with her on Mother's Day, since we had everyone over for dinner. She was kind of being a brat about eating her own food, but that's okay, she ate & that's all that matters. She made the grandmas really cute little bracelets with pipe cleaners & beads and one for Rhi for her birthday, too. I've worn mine since she gave it to me and I just love it. She chose the beads & put them one & that makes it so special to me.

Jason's out of the hospital now & on insulin, as far as I know. I hope that he's able to keep his blood sugar down where it belongs now and will continue to do well with the weight loss. He worries us so much sometimes.

Catching Up

I haven't been posting here a lot lately, I think as you become less involved in the parenting process, it becomes harder to find things to talk about. It doesn't mean that I love them any less, but it's more like our relationships have moved to that place where we're more like friends. I'm terrific with that, it's what we strive for as parents, I believe, to raise children that someday you would like to be friends with. You share more than a genetic code with them, after all, you have similar memories, interests, tastes in food and so on, and, if you've done your job right, you can actually tolerate being around the adults that your children are now.

Garrett seems to be coping with not being chosen for The Biggest Loser, I hope he finds the determination to do it on his own, as it has been so rewarding for me to watch myself shrink & know that I feel better every day. I want that sense of accomplishment for him.

Erin was in Phoenix the last time I heard, heading for Flagstaff to hop a train east. He's been trying to meet friends in Tennessee for awhile & he's finally out of California & back on his way. He sounded good, like he was happy, which is really all I want from him, well, that & to be safe.

Rhi is okay, too. She's been having some stomach trouble, but she thinks she's narrowed it down to coffee & is cutting that out. Hopefully, that will help her a lot, or even just some. She has a new guy, too. It's a guy we've known for a few years, about 5 or so I think. He's going through a divorce (we officiated at his wedding) and has a four-year old son. I'm very comfortable with the relationship, but her daddy is going to take a little while to get used to it. He's about 8 years older than her, but he seems to really respect her & care for her, so, we'll see how it pans out. We can't control who our children love, after all. All I know for sure is that she glows from the inside again, like she ate a Murray Feiss lighting fixture. She's happy, inspired & confident, which are all very important to us.

Troy & I are fine. We bought a chest freezer the other day & were so thrilled to have been able to just go down to the store, pick it out & pay for it with our debit card that it was really almost funny. It's nice to not have credit cards, in a way never expected. The no debt thing is great, but knowing when you buy something that it's truly yours & you owe nothing on it, that feeling is amazing. I didn't think we'd be okay without any, but now I'm sure we'll be just fine.

Scratchy

My throat, that is. I was up at 5:30 this morning, because it wouldn't stop itching & I knew I'd never be able to get back to sleep. So, I got up, took my cold medicine & got on the laptop to wait for it to kick in. In the meantime, I fixed a cup of coffee (I have a single cup brewer) and drank about half of it. I couldn't finish it because it was making me nauseous. I knew I was hungry & that was probably what was wrong, so I had some yogurt, fed the animals & waited for Troy to get home, so he could go out to the freezer & get me some waffles. I didn't have my shoes on yet & couldn't bear the thought of going out into the snow at that point.

I'm doing okay, just not feeling great is all. I'll survive & as long as I don't run out of cold medicine, I'll feel fine, at least for about 3:15 at a time. Anyway, time for lunch & TV, have a great afternoon!

Concerns

I'm dreading Troy's next checkup, just because we always seem to find out the worst things about his health at them. He can be feeling great and doing well & all of the sudden, the doctor says his A1C is too high, or his blood sugar is out of control, or his cholesterol sucks or it's his blood pressure. Right now, I'm concerned by the cholesterol, because he can't take stantin drugs, and that's just about all they give people to lower it. I'm thinking of going to www.cholesteroltreatments.com to see if they have any good tips for him, that don't involve medications.

I never worry about my own health, I know if I feel well or not & usually, if I don't, I know what's causing it. When I'm scared, I go to the doctor, but it's been a rare occasion for me. I worry about him all the time, and he never seems to know when something is wrong with him. Come on, his gall bladder was gangrenous & he never knew he was even having problems with it, so I can't trust that he'll know when there are other things going wrong.

Let's just say I'm not looking forward to it & leave it at that.

Health & Weight

I just realized that my previous post about Garrett probably sounded a little uncaring or harsh or whatever, but it wasn't intended to. He has a good life, he's got a great wife, a good job & a lot of friends & he's very happy. He has been fighting a battle with his weight for most of his life, and there are times when it just wears him down. He was born with club foot (like me) and has bad knees & ankles as a result of it. The extra weight really aggravates those conditions, to the point where there are already certain types of jobs he can't do. If he could find a weight loss plan that he could live with or diet pills that work for him, he could probably do it on his own, but he hasn't had a lot of luck with that so far.

I just want him to find the self-confidence & peace that my weight loss journey has led me to, and the joy of knowing that he made his life better by taking control of food & not letting it control him. I love my son, no matter what weight he is. I just want him to have a long, healthy life is all.

Ants

I cannot believe how many of those tiny ants are in my house right now. I have traps set up in two different room and still there are ants all over the place. Dawn's having the same problem right now, too & is using traps for it with no luck. I actually watched an ant run into a trap yesterday & then back out again a few seconds later. WTF? Seriously? I can't stand them & just want them out of my house!

Garrett didn't get his call from The Biggest Loser, so that was incredibly disappointing for him (and all of us). I'm not sure what he plans to do now, but I hope he continues on his path to try to gain better health. He has so much life in front of him, and it would be so much better for him to take it on at a healthier weight.

Erin called me from Phoenix a few days ago, he was on his way to Flagstaff to try to catch an eastbound train. He's trying to get to Tennessee before the Rainbow Gathering, so he can help out with set up and all of that. I can't believe it's been almost a year since he left home & started this lifestyle of his. I never thought we'd make it through those first few months of worry.

Rhi is still looking for work, although my parents have hired her for odd jobs around their place & she's been going out there to get stuff done. It'll be nice for her to be able to have a little money of her own for a change & she's really looking forward to it.

Troy & I are doing fine,although we still aren't getting enough sleep. I imagine that will keep happening until we get that bedroom door put up & can keep the cats out. I think I'm going to see if we can get that done this afternoon sometime.

Tired

I feel like we have a newborn in the house these days. Tiny wakes us up between 3:30 & 5am, to get on the bed. She won't jump up unless we tell her she can, but before that, she'll sit by the side of the bed & stare at you until you wake up. If you still ignore her, she'll start licking your hands. We let her up & generally can sleep until 6 or so, then she needs out. As soon as we let her back in, the cats start their little starvation dance, which involves scratching on my sewing chair, then jumping on the dresser & on to the radio, getting yelled at, jumping on the bed & starting over again until someone gets up. I could probably sleep through the cats, but Tiny hears them & gets worried that it's her fault their being bad & starts trying to distract us from them.

I was so tired this morning & so whiney, that I almost considered trying to find some natural sleeping pills at the store today, just so I could sleep through all of it tomorrow morning. I'm still tempted to go & see what I can find, but a lot of times any of that stuff gives me a headache in the morning & I have enough of those already that it's not really worth the risk to me. Hopefully the animals will adjust to the new house eventually & stop doing this every morning, if not, we'll have to put a door up to keep the cats out.

Excitement

We had a really great weekend with our friends, especially on Saturday. Troy & I went & picked up our share from the co-op & then visited with mom & dad awhile when they came to get theirs, but after that, we all met up at Dawn's & headed for Baker Reservoir for the day. We brought food for lunch & dinner and all of the kids brought clothes to play in the lake in. It was a beautiful area & the weather was warm & wonderful. Everyone had such a fantastic time that no one really wanted to go home that night. We were all exhausted, but not willing to give up the feeling of camaraderie & fellowship.

Troy & Ryan got together the next morning to empty out our storage unit & I went shopping with my mom. After that, Troy, Ryan & I sat around and watched the Deadliest Warrior marathon until Dawn answered my text & we all went over there to hang out & have dinner together. Dawn & I made kabobs, Jason grilled them & we ate at around 9:30, but it was worth wait & we all enjoyed spending a little more time together.

I really love our friends & the time we have together, we are so fortunate to have them in our lives, especially considering how long we've waited & everything we went through to get where we are with friends in this place.

We are all starting to get very excited about the new baby & can't wait to find out the gender so we can start buying things for it. I plan to start looking for baby shower invitations, so that I can at least help out with that part of the shower, even if I'm not great about giving stuff like that. I never feel creative enough to make them successful events, even though people seem to have a good time. Vicki is much better at planning & hosting those type of things & I'm hoping she'll want to, since it is her niece or nephew being born & all. I know, at the very least, she'll play a pretty big role in the festivities, which will help out a lot.

Anyway, it's getting late & the day starts early tomorrow, so I think I'm going to head to bed.

New Phone

So, while we were at the courthouse, down in St. George today, I had to go to the bathroom. My cell fell out of my pocket & the hinge on the door broke & wouldn't stay shut. That keeps the screensaver from activating & the light from going out, because it's always being triggered to turn back on, thus draining the battery pretty damned quick. I knew I had no choice but to get a new phone, so I went & told Troy & on our way back home, we stopped in & told them that I broke my phone & needed to get a new one. I actually just asked Cassie what phones were good, since she knows I like the QWERTY keyboard & texting is more important to me than calling. She recommended the LG Rumor, and I really liked it, since it has a slot for a microSD card & I can play music (and use it for ringtones), I can also shoot video with it & it has a pretty nice camera, too. I picked out the metallic green & black & just have to wait until next week to get it, because they were out in our office & needed to have one sent up to me. I'm using a loaner Krazor (or however you spell it) right now, which is okay, but hard to get used to a numeric keyboard again.

While we were in there, we upgraded our plan to unlimited text, data & MMS, and that didn't really cost us that much more, so none of us has to go out on a sales job search to try to earn enough money to pay for it. All in all, it was a pretty good day, since Rhi ended up with a new phone, too & is pretty happy about it.

Right now, I'm relaxing & watching Weeds season 2 on streaming video (we signed up for Netflix, too). I really think that it was a great deal for what we get out of it, I may even downgrade my cable package because of it. Anyway, I'm going to get back to watching!

Finally Done

We went to our meeting of the Creditors today & none of ours showed up to dispute anything, thankfully. Our lawyer did say they hadn't heard from Dell yet & that they may want us to reaffirm the debt in order to keep our computers & TV, which is fine with us. If the don't then the debt is discharged & we keep them anyway, so either way, we have them. We'll know about that within 45 days & between then & now, I'm not going to worry about it, honestly.

It wasn't bad really, we were the first to go in our group & were done in about 5 minutes, then we just had to wait for our lawyer to finish up (she had a bunch of clients there) so we could collect our paperwork & such & then we weer finished, so about an hour all told, not counting the drive both ways, of course. I'm just thankful it's finished & we can take a deep breath & move on with our life now. No more credit card & being financially irresponsible, i'm done with the stress!

Almost Done

It's been a few days since we've heard from our major creditors, they must have gotten the hint that we've filed for bankruptcy. It actually took more than a hint for a few of them, who kept calling Troy at work, long after we filed. We had to have our lawyer call them & set them straight. I really hate when they don't follow the rules, it just makes things harder for everyone. We even got "punished" by our electric company, too. They charged us a $165 "deposit" because we filed bankruptcy. We have to have it paid by the 15th, or they'll shut off our power. What if we couldn't pay it? Doesn't filing chapter 7 in the first place mean that you're having problems with bills? Why does it make sense to charge us more when we have never skipped paying that bill or ever even late?

Whatever. It's all over but the meeting with the creditors anyway. We've turned in our financial statements, records of earnings and credit reports, we've shown that we'd have to pay out more than we earn if we keep all of our debt & I have no doubt that it'll all be discharged on the 16th & we'll be free to start over again. All we have left to do is our financial management class & to get a copy of our March bank statement. I'm just so ready to stop worrying about money all the time honestly. I've lost so much sleep over the past couple of years, and it's all been due to financial worry. I just want to start saving money & get a chance to live again, instead of just barely surviving.

I Thought it was Spring?

Apparently The Lady is playing a trick on us today, since we got about a foot of snow between 11:30pm last night & about 10am today. It was fairly heavy snow, which is what we usually get this time of year. I was really hoping we wouldn't get very much, which I know makes me delusional, but doesn't mean I wanted it any less. I'm so ready for flip flops, grilling, capris & cold drinks you wouldn't even believe it.

I hate winter more & more every year. It used to never really bother me, I even looked forward to the snow, but then I started getting older & everything started hurting when it was cold. Now, I freeze all the time & just want to bask in the sun for awhile & forget about how cold I was in the winter. I want to work in my yard & play in my yard, I want to get my garden planted & ready to go. Camping. Swimming. Walking. All of those fantastic things we love to do when it's warm, hurry up summer!!

Just Thinking

As a direct result of the earlier phone call, I can't stop thinking about old friends & wondering what they're up to. The friend talked about earlier, was someone I originally met on IRC and then a few months later, in real life. I actually met her in person the same day I met Dave, and this was close to 14 years ago.

We had some friends that lived here move away to Nebraska back in 1998 or 1999, we've only really seen them a couple of times since then. There are times when I really miss them a lot, we were pretty close to them for a few years. He was one of the few men I knew back then that was so insecure about going bald that he wore a hat all the time & was secretly using one of those hair loss treatment products. I often wonder if he ever came to terms with it, or if he eventually got plugs or something.

Another friend left long before that, in 1996, when his marriage ended. We ended our friendship on bad terms & haven't heard from him since then. He & I were very close, and there are days still, when I miss him to the core. I will always wonder where he went & what he did with his life.

There are many that I'm thankful are finally no longer in my life & while I wish them the best of luck, I hope they never come back here. They are the type of people who leave a wreckage of chaos & pain in their wake & if you get out only slightly wounded, you're lucky. I feel so sorry for their children, because they are always in the path of the storm.

Mixed Feelings

An old friend called me today. I hadn't heard from her in 13 years or so, we had a falling out along time ago & we just never made up. I'm having mixed feelings about it, on one hand, I'm glad she's okay & on the other, I'm still perplexed as to why she even called.

It's still the same as it always was, talking over the top of me about her life while barely waiting for me to take a breath while talking about mine before starting again. It always feels as if she isn't really listening so much as she's waiting for silence. At one time, she was my only female friend, in the whole world & I depended on her for a lot of things, which was odd, since I was near her own daughters' ages. When it all fell apart & trust me, it was a long & drawn out process, because it involved one of my best friends (who still is, to this day) and it was very painful, knowing I was cutting her out of my life completely, but for me, it was final & while I have wondered about her life since then, I'm not sure I had a burning need to know.

How do you tell someone that, when they go out of your way to call you, risking your anger? It's like telling an excited & hopeful teenage girl, the night of her prom that she looks beautiful, but still needs to use a blackhead extractor, you know? It's like, "I'll accept your call, but I don't care about your life." which is how I felt, only it would be "I'll call you but..." I don't know, I guess we'll wait & see how it pans out.