If Wishes Were Fishes..

I's have so many cool things in my house, I swear. I was wandering around the store the other, just looking at all of the pretty deco items, like shelves, candles and art pieces, wishing I was better at decorating & putting things together in groupings, so that I could have a pretty home. After that I checked out all of the nifty little appliances that I have no room for in my kitchen, wishing I had more counter space & better cabinets, and more time & energy to cook wonderful things made with all of the cool "toys."

I looked at the towels & bathroom sets, wishing that I didn't hate my bathroom, that it was bigger & better designed, so that I actually cared about what it looks like & wanted to put nice towels & rugs in there, as it is I spend as little time as possible in there. I do need to get new towels for the bathroom & kitchen, though, so I'll try to take care of part of that this weekend some time.

I made my way to the furniture & that was when the wishing really started. There were so many beautiful couches, loveseats & chairs that were perfect for me, and one coffee table that I really, really wanted. It was dark wood, flat black metal & a stone top, in dark, mossy greens. It was so pretty. The rest of the furniture was done in deep, soft browns, in a variety of styles & fabrics. There was a dining table that I fell in love with, that was made of planks & had a padded bench & matching chairs. Troy liked one that had a tile top more than the plank table, but the fact of the matter is, we have no room for a bigger table in here, and no need for one, either. It's not like we'll ever be having big, family meals here.

I did manage to find the desk I want when I'm able to get office together (if I'm ever able to) & it was not only beautiful, but affordable too. It was a dark reddish wood, cream colored metal & green, frosted glass. It's perfect for me, not huge, but not tiny either. I did wish we had waited to buy our TV stand, because they had some nicer ones for around the same price we paid, and even had one with matching audio racks, so that way, we could have kept our stereo.

I always promised myself that we would get better furniture when the kids were grown, but we still have never really bought any. People give us their furniture when they get new stuff (many times, they get given something, too), and we bought a futon once, but other than that, we really have never had anything new. Maybe someday we will, and I already know where I'm buying it!

Strangeness

For many, many years I've had problems remembering my dreams. It was like I went to sleep & entered this black hold, with no thoughts, no dreams & no memories at all. That was just the way I was, and I was okay with that, I'd been that way since childhood, only remembering the strangest of the strange dreams, like gorillas trying to cram into a tiny, yellow VW bug or crocodiles chasing me down at curfew.

Lately, though, that's beginning to change, and I have to say, it's a little disconcerting. I'm not used to remembering trivial dreams that relive my everyday life, but sometimes with odd little twists, like me not being able to find the electric blanket after I take it out of the dryer (I don't own one!) or grilling with all of my friends, the old ones I left in Colorado & the ones I have here, who have never met each other.

Oh, I still have and remember the crazy dreams, and the nightmares seem to live on in my thoughts for days after I have them, but for me that too, is normal. I don't know why I'm suddenly remembering my dreams, is it because I'm sleeping better at night, or maybe I'm not sleeping as soundly? It started sometime this winter, as I was starting to come out of the haze of everything I had been sick with. I know that I wasn't remembering anything in the depths of it all, because I spent most of those nights in a fevered sweat of misery.

I like to sit here after I get out of bed in the morning & piece my dreams together, figuring out which parts of the previous day the pieces came from & which are completely silly & imaginary, and sometimes even those come from thoughts I had the day before. I think there will always be dreams that I can't explain & don't understand, but who really wants all of the answers to everything, all the time, anyway?

Just a Thought

I've realized that I've come to accept that my kids will periodically hit the pause button on their progress from child to adult, even now when they range from 22-18, there are times when none of them seem to want to grow up. I'm okay with that, as long as when they decide they're ready to go again, the continue forward, in a linear motion, instead of reversing, or going in a repetitive circular motion, repeating all of their former mistakes.

The oldest has his job back & trying again. He's saving money, making plans and moving along in his life. He just got another car (to replace the one he had that died), a new laptop & is planning a trip out to see us in July, so he's moving forward again, which is always a good thing. I expect there will be the typical ups & downs, the bumps in the road, but he'll be alright, as long as he keeps moving forward & doesn't get mad at another boss or job situation & walk away again.

My other son is making gestures towards starting his journey forward again. He's planning to go to Colorado for work so he can pay off his fines & try to actually start a new life. I worry about him, he doesn't show a lot of self-control at times & there are a lot of nasty drugs out there, but I have to trust that he's off the circular path & back on the linear one & that he knows what's best for him.

The youngest seems to still be on the circular merry-go-round, which is okay, she is the youngest & has the least experience out there in the world. I expect that she'll keep making some of the same mistakes over & over for awhile. She is, after all, still in the mind set that she wants her own life, but wants many things to stay the same as they were when she was little, like Easter baskets & Christmas stockings. I just hope that soon, she'll start to learn from those mistakes, & take some life lessons away with her, instead of just learning not to let us know what she's doing because we're going to be pissed off about it.

Hate It!

I really hate when I'm craving something that I can only get at a restaurant & I'm all alone. I don't like to go out to eat by myself, and the place that has what I want doesn't have any vegetarian options, so I can't take Erin. I could take Rhi, but I don't want to get back into that with her, she expects too much from us, already. Ah well, I guess I'll do without & hope that maybe Troy will want to go tomorrow. I know that nothing else I have today will satisfy me, though. Has that ever happened to you? If so, what did you do?

I guess Erin is getting ready to go to Colorado in May to work for the summer. He has a job & a place to live waiting for him. I'm okay with him going, he has fines that need paying off & needs a fresh start in his life, honestly. I think it's great that he started looking for things he could be trained to do or already knew how to do, instead of thinking that he qualifies for the jobs in programming that my daughter keeps applying for & isn't qualified to do. If she reads this, I'll get accused of favoring him, again, but I'm at the point where the accusations don't really bother me that much.

Well, I have dishes in the sink, I guess I ought to wash them.

Possibly on the Mend

I'm really proud of myself today. I got up shortly after Troy left (before 8am) for work, sorted my laundry, got a load started & came out here in the living room. I planned out what I wanted to do for dinner & when I needed to get it put into the crock pot so it'd be done when Troy got home. Half the time anymore, I let it go until it's almost time to eat & then I'm sitting here trying to figure it out, or someone else ends up cooking something.

I got my first load of laundry moved to the dryer & started the other one (Troy does his own). I managed to get some other things done that needed finishing & at noon, I started the pork loin & veggies in the crock pot and switched my laundry one last time. I think this is the most I've managed to get done in awhile, at least all on my own.

I'm really, really hoping that I'm getting over being sick, finally. It's been a tough fall & winter, between nearly losing Troy & then immediately getting sick, and pretty much staying that way until recently. I have gone through everything from thinking I was dying to being accused of faking it, until I just can't take anymore. I think, honestly, my main complaint rigth now, is that I have a toothache, which is a huge improvement!

Updated Layout

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, I hope your day is as sweet as you wish it to be. I don't imagine we'll do a lot of celebrating today, Troy worked last night & is sleeping now & he works again tonight. I don't cook on the weekends & have no plans to start today. I used to be a big fan of this holiday, I'd make a big deal out of Troy & the kids & make sure they each had a sweet little gift from me.

Troy & Erin really didn't care one way or the other & Rhi always made me feel like an idiot for even bothering, because she always claimed to hate the holiday so much. She'd go on & on about what a stupid holiday it was & ridiculous to have an entire day devoted to celebrating romance. Of course, that was because she had no one to celebrate it with & couldn't even begin to understand why a parent would get anything for their children, because "you're not in love with us!" So, this year, I didn't get anything for anyone. I'm almost certain that she'll come over at some point today, hoping that I got something for her & when she sees that I didn't, she'll act like that wasn't why she was here at all.

She'll pretend that she just wanted to spend time with me & then she'll start gossiping about all of these girls that I don't know that she thinks are either too ugly, too stupid, need to take weight loss pills or need to start eating. She'll call them all sluts for acting the same way she does & dressing in the same styles she wears & after about 15 minutes I'll be so tired of it I'll start trying to change the subject. I'm just hoping she'll be so busy with her boyfriend that she doesn't come over. I'd like a quiet day for a change.

Anyway, I changed the layout, since I'm tired of the hearts & I like St. Paddy's Day better anyway. I hope it's easy enough to read & there are no problem with the display for anyone.

High School Drama

I realize that I seem to rant, rave & complain a lot on this blog & it isn't really my intention to. Lately it just really feels like I have no other place to go & vent my frustrations, so they get written in here. With that said...

The big argument this morning about did me in for the day. I'm tired, subdued & pretty much lacking the motivation to do much of anything now. I did go out to the library & get the tax forms. I started trying to do them, got frustrated & I'm done. I'll pay for the software & us that, I can't take the stress. It's still snowing & icy cold out there, so that pretty much ruined any other thoughts I may have had towards going out to dinner tonight or anything, since I'm not going back out in that for love or money.

At any rate, there are days when I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of high school kids, again, the drama level is so high. Sadly, most of the drama we deal with these days isn't even caused by people in their teens, and most of it comes from a single source, who's almost 24 years old. She came out here about a year ago, married to someone we thought was our friend. At first, everything was good, they moved in some other friends, agreed to the terms of them living there (part of which was that one person paid their part of the rent by providing groceries & housekeeping).

That friend ended up not only providing food for everyone who lived there, but for his 5 kids who were there every day, all summer long. It might have been okay if they had ever managed to pay their rent consistently, or help out with the utilities or anything else other than buy cigarettes. My friend J ended up having to take out a bunch of payday loans to try to make ends meet & they still ended up having to move to a cheaper place.

Anyway to make a long story a little bit shorter, the guy of this couple showed his true colors before too much longer & started being a total jerk, then he decided he wanted to sleep with another woman, and when he did & then wanted his wife back, she wasn't sure she wanted to go back & kept both of them confused & ignorant for months while she wavered back & forth, using how good each of them was in bed as a barometer for how much she wanted to stay with them at first & then later it was who would get her back home.

She finally walked out on her boyfriend & went back to her husband, and the drama still isn't over. I swear it's more irritating than vaginal dryness and there doesn't seem to be any relief on the horizon. I don't really deal with her at all these days, but it's driving my best friend nuts & she doesn't need the stress, at all, she's getting ready to quit smoking & is trying to get a handle on her health after a near heart attack a week or so ago.

So, if it isn't caused by my own kids & situations, I'm still dealing with it. I just wish everyone would grow up.

Winter.. Blech.

It's snowing again and the wind is shaking my house & whipping past the windows. It makes everything feel bleaker & more empty. Have you ever noticed that? Is it a result of the way we actually feel or because we've been conditioned by television & movies to feel that way? Bad things always happen when the weather is bad, or at least that's how it seems when we watch horror movies or crime dramas.

It rather feels that way today. I think every parent has days when they doubt the sanity of their decision to ever have children, I'm having one of those days, it may even shape up to be one of those weeks.

I found some stuff out about my daughter that didn't make me very happy. Being that she's an adult, there's very little that I can do about it, but it doesn't change the fact that we didn't raise her that way. I promised myself that I wasn't going to mention it, because it really wasn't my business and I couldn't change it or fix it or even really expect her to tell the truth about it. I had a hard time acting normal & of course she questioned it & assumed I was angry about something else (which is something I'm not happy about but it's over). Any time there's an argument with her, it starts this huge avalanche of crap, from the past 18 years & it drags on for weeks & we end up feeling guilty for having the audacity to even bring her into the world, honestly.

I'm at the point of just giving up & walking away, except I'm not sure I know how to give up on my kids. They have every type of legal representation out there these days from accident & injury to immigration lawyers, why not a bad-parenting choices lawyer? I probably couldn't afford one anyway, between owing taxes & medical bills, but it's always fun to dream.

Well, it looks like the storm & the argument are starting to die down finally, maybe I can get myself back on an even emotional keel & restart my day now. I'm pretty sure that it's not going to shape up to being the kind of day I thought I was going to have, because I'm not happy like I was when I woke up, but I guess that's okay, I'll survive. I think I'll run down to the library & grab my tax forms & see if I can figure them out on my own this time.

Update

I probably should have come in here on Tuesday evening & updated you all on the status of Erin's case, but I got to doing something else & just didn't think about it. The judge restarted his probation from his first case (which was a vandalism charge from almost 2 years ago) & added some more to his fine on that. Erin plead guilty to the underage consumption charge & was fined & ordered to complete a home study on substance abuse (which will cost him $85 when he sends it back in) & plead not guilty to the paraphernalia charge, so he meets with his attorney & goes back to court in April. There are no longer any warrants out for his arrest, so at least he can walk around town without being afraid now.

The judge did ask him if he thought his parents would help him pay his fines & he looked at her & said, "I don't know. I haven't asked them." because he, like us, believes that this is his responsibility, not ours. So at any rate, we're done with the bulk of his court dealings & we'll hopefully be totally done in April. I really hope he gets a grip on his life & doesn't get into any more trouble.

I'm going to go & pick Rhi up in a few minutes to take her to a job interview. I really hope she gets this one, she really needs something so she can help out the family she's living with & start trying to save up to get a place of her own. I'm not sure how she'll furnish an apartment, at this point, I think all she owns is a dresser & some office furniture, since she pretty much gave her bed to Erin & threw her other old stuff out when she moved the first time. Maybe between her & her boyfriend, they'll find her enough stuff to get by with for awhile.

I'm not feeling well today. After dinner last night, and I mean right after I finished eating, I got insanely dizzy & stayed that way most of the night - at least while I was awake. I got up this morning my whole body ached & I just didn't feel well. I'm supposed to take Dawn grocery shopping today, but I don't think I can make it. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow & we can doit then. As it is right now, when I'm done with Rhi, I'm going back to bed.

Nervousness

Erin's in court right now with Troy. I just couldn't bring myself to go this time, for so many reasons. I spent the first 16 months of his life in & out of court, trying to prove that I was good enough to be his mother & trying to convince a judge that I wasn't going to screw his life up. I've been back several times for various reasons over the years, not to mention the times I went with Rhi. I think Troy was with me for one of those little visits. I kind of felt like it was his turn.

Going to court when your child has broken the law & you know they have (when you don't believe that they're innocent) is very hard. Prosecutors say whatever they think will help them win & send the alleged criminal to jail, the police color their version of whatever event is was to favor themselves & their actions - it's not wrong, it's just that they only know what they think happened & not who the person involved really is. It's so hard to sit there & listen to the horrible things they say about someone you love, especially when you know that person & who they really are. Sometimes I have to study the bench in front of me or the door hardware pretty intensely to keep myself from opening my mouth.

I'm pretty nervous that he won't be coming home today, because part of the reason he's in there today is because he was unable to pay a fine. If he didn't paid it, there was a 6 month suspended sentence attached to it that he'll have to serve. He's also pleading guilty to underage alcohol consumption. He has an additional failure to appear (which was kind of our fault, that being the Friday Troy got sick & ended up in the ICU) that has to be dealt with & I think another paraphernalia charge. At any rate, the bench warrants that out on him are expired now. I hate this so much, I really hope we don't have to go through this anymore after this is all taken care of, I just want it to be done & for him to have learned a valuable lesson.

I should be hearing from Troy pretty soon, he remembered to take his phone with him. It's taking longer than I thought it would, so it might not be going well. I need to stop thinking about it, I'm making myself sick.

Seems to Never End

I'm sure that before very long all of you will get sick of me griping about my daughter, but honestly, I have to put it somewhere & confronting her with everything is never a good idea, especially not for the whole family well-being thing. So I keep my mouth shut & write about it when I can put words to what I'm feeling.

There is good news to talk about for a change, along with my usual ranting & raving. She was approved for Utah Vocational Rehabilitation, so she'll be able to go to school, learn a trade & they'll help her find a job, too. We're all pretty excited for her & can hardly wait for her to be able to get started & get everything going in a forward direction again. She's living with a friend of hers and her family & seems to be happier & doing a lot better emotionally, I really hope that it lasts longer this time than it has in the past. I'd love to see her gain some more confidence in herself & start realizing that she's great with or without a love match, and that she can make it on her own & be happy doing it.

About a week or so ago, she asked me if she could "borrow" some money so that she could buy her boyfriend a nice Valentine's gift. I told her the truth, which is we don't have any extra money for that sort of thing right now. We'll be trying to pay our taxes soon & we have Troy's hospital bill to pay off, too. I also feel like it's her responsibility to handle getting gifts for the guys she gets involved with, not mine. I haven't bought a Valentine's gift for a man since I was in high school, because since then I've learned what a man really wants for pretty much any gift-giving occasion & the gift wrapping is usually sexy lingerie & not a gift bag. I told her that, but she really didn't want to believe it & was only interested in buying something.

She started complaining last night that some money she had hoped to get didn't happen & that she wasn't going to be able to get him anything at all for Valentine's now, and it felt like she was hoping I'd step up & offer her some, but of course, I still don't have any extra & he still isn't my boyfriend, so I offered her a couple of other suggestions, which she didn't like & so she stopped texting me about it. I really hope that one day she'll learn that the best gifts are from the heart & not the store & that any man worthy of her will believe the same thing. Troy & I do more nice things for each other than we give actual gifts & we always have. We started our marriage with very little money & two kids to raise, so we learned to show our love in ways that didn't involve money. She has no money, so she needs to learn that pretty quick, in my opinion.

I try not to butt in, and I don't say much about it, but I do hope she figures it out.