Making Progress

I was so proud of myself yesterday! I took Rhi out to lunch at the local Chinese buffet & I didn't overeat! I took my time and stopped when I was full. I did find out that I don't really like tempura batter after all. I started to eat my sweet & sour chicken & the batter on the chicken didn't taste good to me, so I put it down after one, small bite.

This morning was also a bit exciting for me. I bought 3 pairs of pants on my birthday when I went shopping with my mom that didn't fit, so after I weighed myself (I've lost almost 15 pounds in just under 2 weeks), I decided to try them on. They all fit! They aren't comfortable yet, but considering that I couldn't even pull them up when I got them home, that's definite progress right there.

In other news, Troy & I (and maybe Rhi, she wants to, but plans change) are planning a trip to Iowa at the end of August, to go to his family reunion. I'm really dreading that long drive, so yesterday, I looked into flying & found some cheap flights to Des Moines, but we'd have to get a ride to Las Vegas & then back home if we went that route, and I'm not really sure where we're staying once we get out there. I think it would be cheaper to fly out & rent a car than it would be to drive, but another downside is that we wouldn't be able to stop in Pueblo to see Garrett. (I'm not even sure that's going to be convenient for him to begin with, anyway) I guess what we really need to do is talk to my mother-in-law & find out what the plan is so we can start making our own plans.

I Like It

I always wanted to be that person. You know the one.

The one that always stopped eating when they weren't hungry anymore, and couldn't finish all of their food, no matter what it was. That never ate food that they didn't like just because it was there, or because they were eating it so fast they couldn't taste it. The person that could eat whatever they liked because they never overate anything.

Yeah. That person.

Guess what? I am that person now, and I really like it. I've discovered that there are some things that I thought I loved that I don't even like, now that I've slowed down enough to actually taste them. I thought that I loved French fries, and they have been the bane of many a diet for me, but I found out almost a week ago that I don't even like them. They just taste like grease to me. My mom's strawberry short cake? Too sweet. Blood oranges? Not good. I'm sure that as time passes & I taste more things that I'll find out more of my preferences.

I had a tuna wrap for lunch, with some jalapeno & cheddar Cheetos on the side. I didn't finish either of them. The chips went back in the bag & what was left of the wrap is in the garbage. I had a very small bowl of cereal for breakfast & a single serving bag of Sun Chips for a snack a couple of hours later. The best part? I can eat what I want to & I eat when I'm hungry. I don't feel deprived, I don't feel like binging & I'm losing weight, too.

Yay for not dieting!

Progress

This city sure has grown in the past 15 years. When we first moved here, there were only 3 traffic lights in the whole town. I can't even count them now & they're putting up two more on north Main starting this coming Monday. Back then, there were stores and businesses only on Main Street, now there is commercial real estate all over town. We have a pretty big industrial park, a new airport terminal, a lot more stores and restaurants and even a new park since we moved here.

They seem to be building apartments and subdivisions almost nonstop anymore and I always catch myself wondering how all of these people moving here are going to support themselves before I realize how much new industry we really have here. There are factories and such here that I don't even know about, I'm sure, because I'm finding out about places all the time. It's kind of cool to move to a town that was somewhat economically depressed and watch it grow and flourish over the years instead of dying.

Memories..

I was thinking back to the spring that we moved to Utah and were living with my parents while we got on our feet here. My folks live on a 5 acre lot outside of town. The kids used to love to wander around in the sagebrush and investigate the world around them. Erin wasn't quite 5 yet & Rhi had just turned 3. She was fascinated by so many odd things that she found out in the yard and would spend hours just checking it all out. Erin saw snakes in everything, from a hose to a stick, he would shriek and run away, yelling about the "big snake over there!!" He never saw a real snake during those weeks, but he imagined plenty.

One of their other favorite things to do was to bounce on my mom's mini trampoline that she kept out on the front lawn, which was tiny, itself those days. They would see who could knock the other one off & who could bounce higher. Rhi was always flying when she was on it & Erin was always Batman. It was pretty cute, and they had a lot of fun on it. I can't believe that on May 11 we'll have been here for 15 years, the time went by so fast.

Too Many Movies

I was looking for a VHS tape that I told Dawn she could have if we still owned it yesterday. We have so many movies anymore that I often have no idea what we even own. I forgot about all of the VHS stuff we have in the bottom of the entertainment center. I sat there, going through things, reminiscing about when the kids were little & what movies they loved back then. It was a bittersweet experience, remembering them when they so young and we were all so close. I miss those days sometimes, mostly, I miss my kids.

Anyway, enough being sad. I never did find the tape she wanted, but I did find a yoga dvd I had forgotten about that she might want to try out.

Living Arrangements

As Rhi gets closer to the age I was when I moved out the first time, I tend to do a lot of reminiscing about the first places I lived without my parents & wonder what her first place will be like. (Erin's first place was the basement of a house we had lived in as a family) I got married about a month after I turned 18 & we lived in a tiny, one bedroom house that his parents used as a rental property until he turned 18 or so & was living in it, right after he finished high school. The bedroom had no heat & I was used to sleeping with the door shut, so we spent quite a few cold nights in there before we decided to switch the rooms around our second winter in it.

I lived in a few places with my second husband. We were actually buying a place around the time Garrett was born, but we lost it when he lost his job & we moved back to Pueblo. We moved into a place with his sister & stayed there after she moved out. That's one of the places I remember the best, not because we lived there for so long, but it just seems that a lot happened while we were there. Garrett was a baby, so most of his firsts happened there. It was a dump & I was a terrible housewife, but it had a front yard & a porch to sit on. The back yard had a couple of Ron's weight benches in it, and he'd go out there in the shade & lift.

Troy & I have had a lot of homes, and we've made each of them happy places to live in & for some reason I don't look at those as being the same as the others, probably because, in spite of being married before him, I was never in a truly adult relationship before we got together. Those are our "grown-up" homes, I guess.

Getting Serious

I've been getting really serious about my weight lately & trying very hard to start thinking about food in new ways, so that I can break the addiction & my cycle of dieting and gaining weight. I'm learning to listen to my body & what it feels like when I'm full and how to take my time and enjoy each bite I take, instead of wolfing everything down in a big hurry.

I remember when I was in my 20s and was skinny and cute, my favorite pajamas were babydolls, not sweats & a giant tee. I spent more time now trying to hide my fat than I do making myself look good. I want to look and feel good again. I'm tired of hating myself & what I look like!!

And.. While I'm At It

I've also been worrying about my brother a lot lately, and I'm not sure why. I feel that the time might be soon that he'll hit rock bottom & want to do something about his alcoholism & maybe check into some alcohol rehab for himself. I hope that when that time comes, his wife will want some help, too, because they both need it so badly. I desperately miss the man he used to be. I miss spending time with him, laughing, camping, grilling, all of the things we used to do as a family after we moved out here. I can't tell him those things anymore, because it just makes him mad, he knows he never does anything with us anymore & I know it bothers him.

I also really hope that Erin never gets as bad as my brother. I hope that he'll wise up and see the path he's walking on long before he gets to the point Steve is at. He has always said that when he thinks he's starting to act like his uncle, he'll be done. I certainly hope that's true.

Just Thinking

Some things have come up lately, within our family, that have caused me to start thinking about what would happen if I were die suddenly. I don't know what type of financial burden that would place on Troy, because I don't know if I still have my burial policy with his employer, or if they aren't doing them anymore. No, I'm not suicidal, so no worries there! I was just afraid of Rhi's ex for awhile, because he threatened me in a kind of offhand way & I took it more seriously than it was probably intended. That put me in a strange place, mentally, for awhile. I think women (and maybe all people) who have lived a life of domestic violence or abuse for any period of time tend to take those sorts of things very seriously, you know? (and no, Troy has never abused me, it was an ex)

So, I think I need to check into things & make sure that we still have those policies & if not, maybe invest in some.. well.. not burial, since we aren't going that route, but a funeral plan of some type, at any rate. I don't want to be a burden on anyone when I do pass.

What Next?

Erin dropped by yesterday, he needed his birth certificate so he could replace the ID he lost in Nevada last fall. Apparently, the friend he's living with is moving out & the rest of his room mates are getting a bigger apartment in the same area. Erin wasn't paying rent, and so, of course, he isn't included in any of these plans.

He was actually looking for a job so that he & 3 other friends could get an apartment together. He looked better than I've seen him lately, but he did smell like beer & it was fairly early in the day, so I hope that he didn't make a terrible impression when he did go into places.

Troy & I went to rent some movies later on, after he brought his BC back & he called me asking if I'd be willing to go to the liquor store for them. I told him no immediately & he sounded like he expected it and wasn't mad. Sheesh, I remember when all he wanted was a Swiss Army knife and not for me to break the law for him. I'll be so happy when all of my kids get their lives together & I can take a break from the worrying.