I know that a big part of why I'm so down & have been taking things so badly with my daughter, is that I never seem to get a good nights sleep. Our mattress & box springs are so old & worn out that I never seem to be able to get or stay in a comfortable position. There are some days that by 5:00am both of my hips and back hurt so much that I have to get up, no matter how tired I still am. You can lie in bed when you're out of ways to lay, you know?
One of these days, after we get out of debt, I really want to be able to buy a new, bigger mattress set, even if that means we'll have to move our current frame into a guest room. I just want bedtime to feel like it did when I was younger, where I'd had a busy day, was tired & lying down in my bed was like heaven. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I Need an Escape!
Things have gotten so crazy around here, with my daughter & I fighting so much that sometimes I'm really tempted to just pick up the phone, make some Las Vegas hotel reservations and run away for about 3 days. We just don't agree on a lot of things right now & I don't seem to be able to just sit back & watch her getting her heart broken over & over again by the same person. I'm not allowed to say anything about it, because every time I do, she explodes, so I'm feeling pretty helpless right now.
It's like every mistake I ever made while raising her is being thrown in my face & she's very angry & hateful. I'm trying to change, but she's not willing to let anything go, so I'm really at a loss. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't just keep on hurting like this. Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe, like I'm suffocating in pain. I have to find a way to ignore what she's going through, but with my luck, she'll then accuse me of not caring about her.
It's like every mistake I ever made while raising her is being thrown in my face & she's very angry & hateful. I'm trying to change, but she's not willing to let anything go, so I'm really at a loss. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't just keep on hurting like this. Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe, like I'm suffocating in pain. I have to find a way to ignore what she's going through, but with my luck, she'll then accuse me of not caring about her.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Good Times
The other day, Troy & I were in the store, looking at vacuum cleaners, trying to find that one they advertise for pet hair. There were two young guys, probably in their late teens or early twenties, looking around, too. It was pretty obvious that they were buying their first vacuum, because each one would read about the features of a model & then tell the other, in a voice that sounded like they knew all about it, exactly why they ought to get that one. They each had a different model that they preferred, and neither one seemed prepared to budge at all. As we were walking away, one of them saw a different one & starting talking about all of the features it had, and apparently that was the one that won, we saw them with it in their cart a little later. I was pretty amused by it, I guess I always thought that guys really didn't care what vacuum they had, if they even bothered buying one. Most of the men I know just go for whatever is cheapest.
Still Trying
I think that I've been doing fairly well in my efforts to cut back on my eating. I've been making sure that I stop at one serving of whatever we're having, at least most of the time & have cut back on my snacking, as well, and trying to stick with fruits & vegetables when it's possible. I'm starting to think I need to try to find a good weight-loss supplement, maybe like Fenphedra or something close to it. I never thought I'd be in the market for that type of thing, but I really am at my wit's end these days & just want a little help in my own efforts. I'm not looking for a miracle, just a helping hand.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I Need Exercise!
I've seriously been trying to figure out my options for weight loss & exercise, lately. We used to belong to a fitness center & it was awesome, because Troy's employer paid half the cost for us, but the one we belonged to closed & the rest of them are too expensive, even at half the cost. I don't have a lot of disposable cash these days, and as a matter of fact, we're getting ready to get some credit counseling & try to get out of debt, so buying exercise equipment is out of the question, at least for now.
So, anyway, my mom & dad have a pretty nice treadmill & I've been thinking about asking them if I can borrow it for awhile. I'm pretty sure they haven't been using it, they belong to a fitness center & in teh summer, they ride their bikes, a lot. I'm really hoping they'll let me use it, at least until we can afford to buy one of our own. I could put it in the living room, out of the way somewhere, or in the craft room, for that matter. We'd figure it out, but I need something, that's for sure.
So, anyway, my mom & dad have a pretty nice treadmill & I've been thinking about asking them if I can borrow it for awhile. I'm pretty sure they haven't been using it, they belong to a fitness center & in teh summer, they ride their bikes, a lot. I'm really hoping they'll let me use it, at least until we can afford to buy one of our own. I could put it in the living room, out of the way somewhere, or in the craft room, for that matter. We'd figure it out, but I need something, that's for sure.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Should I?
Our kitchen faucet leaks, right at the base & I've been thinking about replacing it with a new one. I'm just not sure if I ought to invest the money in one that I really like, being that we rent & all & that I won't be asking the landlord for restitution or anything. Ryan just put one of those really nice Moen faucets in their kitchen & they rent, too. I'm really jealous of it, because it has the part that pulls out of the faucet itself & becomes a sprayer & it's just really pretty & nice.
Another decision I'm struggling with is that I want to get my hair cut & colored & I'm pretty sure I want to go quite a bit shorter. I've found a few styles I like & have chosen the color, I'm just not 100% sure of the style I want, or if any of them actually look good on me. I used an online makeover site, that let me upload a photo & try some on. I may post them here & see if any of you have an opinion on them. Should I?
Another decision I'm struggling with is that I want to get my hair cut & colored & I'm pretty sure I want to go quite a bit shorter. I've found a few styles I like & have chosen the color, I'm just not 100% sure of the style I want, or if any of them actually look good on me. I used an online makeover site, that let me upload a photo & try some on. I may post them here & see if any of you have an opinion on them. Should I?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Spring & New Beginnings
This Spring will bring a lot of changes for us. Within our group of friends, we'll have a brand new baby, who is due to arrive just days before Spring itself. Our little grand-daughter will turn a year old & little Helen will be 3, which is just hard to believe, on both counts. I remember when Helen was a tiny baby who never seemed to stop crying & the day that Beth was born, they've both grown so much. Beth is trying to walk & Helen is speaking full, intelligible sentences.
In our own little family, our daughter will turn 18 and shortly after that, she'll graduate from high school. That means that an era that started when I became a mother over 21 years ago will come to an end. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop being a mom, by any means. I know that never ends, and that the worrying lasts forever. I'm talking about having to get up way earlier that I want to because of my kids and being responsible for lives other than my own. I'm not sure how to act or what to do, I've been raising kids for so long, I'm hoping it won't be too hard to move out of that frame of mind, so that I don't drive her insane.
So, while the youngsters in my neighborhood are trying out each others swing sets and scooters, we'll be adjusting to a whole new way of life. Spring will definitely be a time of change around here, for sure.
In our own little family, our daughter will turn 18 and shortly after that, she'll graduate from high school. That means that an era that started when I became a mother over 21 years ago will come to an end. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop being a mom, by any means. I know that never ends, and that the worrying lasts forever. I'm talking about having to get up way earlier that I want to because of my kids and being responsible for lives other than my own. I'm not sure how to act or what to do, I've been raising kids for so long, I'm hoping it won't be too hard to move out of that frame of mind, so that I don't drive her insane.
So, while the youngsters in my neighborhood are trying out each others swing sets and scooters, we'll be adjusting to a whole new way of life. Spring will definitely be a time of change around here, for sure.
Monday, February 11, 2008
A Huge Relief
The taxes have been filed, thankfully I don't have to pay right away & can wait until we get our state refund to send a check off for it. We ended up not owing nearly as much as I first believed, once I got all of my business deductions taken care of. I'll be able to take care of it with my own earnings, and it'll only take one pay period to do it. So, yay for that. No more stress!!
I'm super sleepy, I think I'll go get my coffee pot ready for morning & go to bed!
I'm super sleepy, I think I'll go get my coffee pot ready for morning & go to bed!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
What Does Vacation Mean to You?
I was just thinking about the coming summer those of my childhood & realized that my concept of a vacation seems to be vastly different from that of a lot of blogs that I read. It may that I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of disposable income & have raised my own kids in the same situation, or maybe we just like to do different things than the rest of the world does.
I've been on two conventional vacations in my entire life. The first one was a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas, it was paid for by a former friend of ours, and really, it was just okay. It wasn't amazing or anything like that, I missed my kids, the ship was boring, the food wasn't that good.. the only great part of it was shore time, visiting the islands. I'd have preferred to fly to one, get a hotel & just stay there.
The second was in a conventional location, but probably wasn't a standard Las Vegas vacation. We took the kids, we stayed at the MGM Grand, played in the pools and in the Lazy River, visited kid-friendly attractions and had a ball.
I've visited almost every National Park in this part of the country, from Yellowstone to Zion and most of the State Parks in Colorado & Utah, but I've never been to Disneyland, Branson Missouri, Dollywood or Disney World. I've been to the Hogle Zoo here in Utah & the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo & Pueblo Zoo in Colorado, but never a huge, nationally known one. I visited Marine World Africa USA in Northern California, but have never been to Sea World. So, even when I'm taking a real vacation, we aren't doing the things everyone else seems to be doing. Quite frankly, Troy takes the longest stretch of time off to work at our renaissance faire & so do most of our friends.
What do you consider a vacation? Is it a fancy trip somewhere you can be pampered? A camping trip? Just time off from the every day? Tell me, I really am interested in knowing.
I've been on two conventional vacations in my entire life. The first one was a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas, it was paid for by a former friend of ours, and really, it was just okay. It wasn't amazing or anything like that, I missed my kids, the ship was boring, the food wasn't that good.. the only great part of it was shore time, visiting the islands. I'd have preferred to fly to one, get a hotel & just stay there.
The second was in a conventional location, but probably wasn't a standard Las Vegas vacation. We took the kids, we stayed at the MGM Grand, played in the pools and in the Lazy River, visited kid-friendly attractions and had a ball.
I've visited almost every National Park in this part of the country, from Yellowstone to Zion and most of the State Parks in Colorado & Utah, but I've never been to Disneyland, Branson Missouri, Dollywood or Disney World. I've been to the Hogle Zoo here in Utah & the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo & Pueblo Zoo in Colorado, but never a huge, nationally known one. I visited Marine World Africa USA in Northern California, but have never been to Sea World. So, even when I'm taking a real vacation, we aren't doing the things everyone else seems to be doing. Quite frankly, Troy takes the longest stretch of time off to work at our renaissance faire & so do most of our friends.
What do you consider a vacation? Is it a fancy trip somewhere you can be pampered? A camping trip? Just time off from the every day? Tell me, I really am interested in knowing.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Getting Better All the Time
My week got a lot better as it progressed. I was really upset about the way Rhi had been treating me & we talked it out. It's been a lot better since then, thankfully. Erin did try to leave for San Diego, but no one would give them a ride out of St. George. Troy told him that he needs to take some of the metal off of his face & he'd he'd have better luck, this is still Utah, after all. I'm pretty sure his lip is pierced 3 times or so and he may have had an eyebrow piercing, too. So, I'm not having to worry about that, at least not right now.
Yes, we still have to pay taxes, but we'll survive. It won't kill us, we've been through worse, plenty of times. The best thing is the weather this weekend is gorgeous, I don't feel like I need to throw on my sheepskin boots just to go out to the car. I didn't even wear a jacket when Rhi & I went to the store earlier. So, yay!
Yes, we still have to pay taxes, but we'll survive. It won't kill us, we've been through worse, plenty of times. The best thing is the weather this weekend is gorgeous, I don't feel like I need to throw on my sheepskin boots just to go out to the car. I didn't even wear a jacket when Rhi & I went to the store earlier. So, yay!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
One of Those Days
This is just shaping up to be a bad week for me I think. Rhi was crashing and slamming things around for about 30 minutes last night & then she stormed out here asking to go to Ryan's house. I asked her what the slamming was all about & she claimed she was just putting away some makeup she found in her room & then she left. Things didn't feel right about the situation, so I texted her & asked if everything was ok, because she seemed upset. She texted back that she was fine, just bored & I let it go, choosing to believe her.
This morning, Ryan mentioned that she was freaking out at his house last night & when I asked why he said he didn't know & shut up. I guess he realized then that she hadn't mentioned anything to me & didn't want her mad at him. I get that she doesn't want to talk to me most of the time, but would it kill her to say she's upset & just wants to talk to Ryan about it? Does she have to lie to me every chance she gets? Why? I don't lie to her. Ever. I did email her & tell her that I was through being lied to & that things were going to be changing around here.
Shortly after I sent my email off, Erin called & told me that he & his friend Colby are headed for San Diego, hitch-hiking at some point today. I'm so not okay with this, but again, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So, the nightmares & stomaches can start for me again, when I manage to actually sleep anyway. I made him take identification with him that has our address & phone numbers on it, in case something happens to him, so we can be notified. It doesn't make me rest any easier, but at least I know that I'll be told.
Not a good week, not at all.
This morning, Ryan mentioned that she was freaking out at his house last night & when I asked why he said he didn't know & shut up. I guess he realized then that she hadn't mentioned anything to me & didn't want her mad at him. I get that she doesn't want to talk to me most of the time, but would it kill her to say she's upset & just wants to talk to Ryan about it? Does she have to lie to me every chance she gets? Why? I don't lie to her. Ever. I did email her & tell her that I was through being lied to & that things were going to be changing around here.
Shortly after I sent my email off, Erin called & told me that he & his friend Colby are headed for San Diego, hitch-hiking at some point today. I'm so not okay with this, but again, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. So, the nightmares & stomaches can start for me again, when I manage to actually sleep anyway. I made him take identification with him that has our address & phone numbers on it, in case something happens to him, so we can be notified. It doesn't make me rest any easier, but at least I know that I'll be told.
Not a good week, not at all.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Catching Up
Since you asked what was up, Theresa, I thought I probably ought to post. Sorry about that, things seem to run in cycles around here, where we have weeks at a time when everything just flies by & I seem to only have a few minutes on the computer and then we have another few where nothing is going on & I'm always on.
Our weekends seem to go by really fast with almost nothing getting done anymore. We got so busy this past week that we forgot to get the car inspected & registered. I'm just happy that between our two checking accounts we had the money sitting in savings & ready to go.
Monday, we made doctor appointments for Troy & Rhi for the next day & then we went & got Troy a new 2 year contract & phone on our cell plan. We had canceled Erin's plan a few days earlier & added unlimited text to mine, so our bill will stay the same, but it'll work better for us. Erin hadn't had a phone for almost 2 years, since he threw the one we got him with his plan at his ex-girlfriend & broke it.
Tuesday, Troy went to his annual check up & got a new medication to help manage his diabetes & had a bunch of bloodwork done. I went & picked Rhi up from school early, because she was making herself sick thinking about having to go to the doctor. Sean showed up to go with us about an hour before & then the 3 of us headed out. She was having her first pelvic exam & pap smear, along with getting on birth control pills & having the Gardisil shot. She was pretty upset and angry at us (Sean & I) for insisting that she follow through with it & threatened to bolt several times, but she got through it. Sean took her out to dinner later on, which I thought wa sweet of him.
Wednesday was the day I realized that we hadn't registered the car & when Troy called, I told him, so he took a day off to handle that & a couple of other things. I straightened up the house and did a few other things. Thursday, Troy got up & went to get the car inspected & then registered it & was done by 8:30. I'm pretty sure we did some other things that day, but I can't remember what. I know that was the day I started to feel so crappy, though & that we went to bed pretty early.
Friday was a long day for me. i didn't feel good to begin with, and I had to go & get groceries after Rhi got out of school, so I tried to take it easy all day & not get any sicker. We got groceries and put everything away, then I pretty much just died on the couch until Troy got home. I had the chills and was pretty miserable, then I realized that the front door wasn't shut & two of the cats were out. Jasper came right back in, but Malachite was being stubborn. I'd go to the door & he'd run away. As soon as I shut it, he'd run back on the porch & start yowling to come in. We did this several times before I finally got him back in. Troy & I went & got some dinner & watched TV for a little while and waited for Rhi to come & grab some stuff, then we went to bed.
Saturday, Rhi & I couldn't seem to stop fighting, so I won't really go into it, but I'll sure be happy when she adjusts the the pill & stops being so moody. This morning we woke up at 7:00 to a burning smell. The power had gone out as the furnace was starting the cooling cycle & it was overheated. Troy burned his hand on the outside panels, but he got them off & outside to cool off. It was pretty scary, really. We finally got power back at around 9:30 this morning. And I'm going back to bed now, I'm really tired.
Our weekends seem to go by really fast with almost nothing getting done anymore. We got so busy this past week that we forgot to get the car inspected & registered. I'm just happy that between our two checking accounts we had the money sitting in savings & ready to go.
Monday, we made doctor appointments for Troy & Rhi for the next day & then we went & got Troy a new 2 year contract & phone on our cell plan. We had canceled Erin's plan a few days earlier & added unlimited text to mine, so our bill will stay the same, but it'll work better for us. Erin hadn't had a phone for almost 2 years, since he threw the one we got him with his plan at his ex-girlfriend & broke it.
Tuesday, Troy went to his annual check up & got a new medication to help manage his diabetes & had a bunch of bloodwork done. I went & picked Rhi up from school early, because she was making herself sick thinking about having to go to the doctor. Sean showed up to go with us about an hour before & then the 3 of us headed out. She was having her first pelvic exam & pap smear, along with getting on birth control pills & having the Gardisil shot. She was pretty upset and angry at us (Sean & I) for insisting that she follow through with it & threatened to bolt several times, but she got through it. Sean took her out to dinner later on, which I thought wa sweet of him.
Wednesday was the day I realized that we hadn't registered the car & when Troy called, I told him, so he took a day off to handle that & a couple of other things. I straightened up the house and did a few other things. Thursday, Troy got up & went to get the car inspected & then registered it & was done by 8:30. I'm pretty sure we did some other things that day, but I can't remember what. I know that was the day I started to feel so crappy, though & that we went to bed pretty early.
Friday was a long day for me. i didn't feel good to begin with, and I had to go & get groceries after Rhi got out of school, so I tried to take it easy all day & not get any sicker. We got groceries and put everything away, then I pretty much just died on the couch until Troy got home. I had the chills and was pretty miserable, then I realized that the front door wasn't shut & two of the cats were out. Jasper came right back in, but Malachite was being stubborn. I'd go to the door & he'd run away. As soon as I shut it, he'd run back on the porch & start yowling to come in. We did this several times before I finally got him back in. Troy & I went & got some dinner & watched TV for a little while and waited for Rhi to come & grab some stuff, then we went to bed.
Saturday, Rhi & I couldn't seem to stop fighting, so I won't really go into it, but I'll sure be happy when she adjusts the the pill & stops being so moody. This morning we woke up at 7:00 to a burning smell. The power had gone out as the furnace was starting the cooling cycle & it was overheated. Troy burned his hand on the outside panels, but he got them off & outside to cool off. It was pretty scary, really. We finally got power back at around 9:30 this morning. And I'm going back to bed now, I'm really tired.
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