Frustration

It doesn't seem to matter how many times the man in my daughter's life breaks her heart, humiliates her, calls the cops on her or says horrible things about her in a public forum, she keeps going back to him. he'll stay away for a few days, swearing he's hurt her the last time, and she'll never go back, she's done with him and then a few days later, she's asking for rides to his side of town. She won't say that's where she's going, but I can always tell, because the contact with him starts again, the fighting on phone happens more frequently, she gets more & more closed off about where she's going & what she's doing and then her mood changes from just being a bit sad to being angry & defensive all the time again.

I don't understand it, I know I was messed up when I was younger & still with her donor, but I was ready to leave when Erin was taken away & would have if the judge in charge of my case hadn't told me I'd never get Erin back if I didn't stay with him. I've always thought that was the most asinine thing a judge could tell anyone, to stay with the man who just got arrested for beating me up, but I did what I had to, to get him back. If I hadn't stayed, there would be no Rhi, but I laid down the law after I lost Erin & tolerated very little from him, and it was me who ended it by kicking him to the curb & not letting him come back.

Why can't things ever be easy? Why can't we argue about whether she needs to be looking for the best diet pills or whether she's already too thin and needs to stay away from them? Why does it have to be this, all the time? I'm so tired of it.

A Veritable Pharmacy

Some mornings I feel like I could stock a pharmacy, just with the supplements & OTC stuff I take every day. I take 2 types of vitamins, one for my vision (twice a day) & one just a daily, a potassium supplement, fish oil for my eyes (3 times a day), allergy meds, a cold tablet when I'm sick (like I am), ibuprofen (when I hurt, which is most days) and my appetite suppressant (3 times a day). At least I'm not at the point in my life where I take all of those & then run into the bathroom & apply my wrinkle cream, too. All of these pills every day make me feel like an old woman, I swear.

We had a really great Full Moon celebration last night, it was great to get together with good friends & learn a little, laugh a lot & just feel the freedom to believe what we choose to. There's something about sharing a commitment you make to yourself with all of your friends that just firms it up, makes it more real.

Getting Excited

Our Federal tax refund is in the savings account & everything is a go for the trip in May, at least as far as we go anyway. Dawn & Jason are supposed to bring some money over here for me to put in the cash box for them, since I'm harder to access than the bank (I won't let them overdraft) and they'll have money for the trip that way. We discussed a few things that we want to get as a group, like 2-way radios and such and we're all pretty excited to get the show on the road. It's going to be hard waiting the next 90 days so that we can actually go, though. We have other trips planned and a couple that we need to talk about, but I don't see why we won't take those, too, since they sound like very cool places to go (Death Valley & Big Rock Candy Mountain).

Anyway, the "diet" creeps along, with me forgetting to weigh in this morning. I guess I'll remember at some point before next Friday. I never thought I'd say this, but I've found the Best over the counter diet pills for me. Yes, I've been taking an appetite suppressant for a few weeks, but at least it's all natural. It seems to be working for me, so I ordered some more. I guess it's a case of me doing what I think I need to do to get through this plateau I've been fighting for so long. I'm hoping this will be the key that gets me there.

Success

I think I'm finally winning my long term battle against hormonal acne. I started using the oil cleansing method awhile back, and my skin has pretty cleared up, other than one little patch by my right ear, and in the past few days even that has started to clear up. I didn't get my usual break out during my period this month, so I know that it's working. It's an easy method of taking care of my skin & pretty inexpensive, because I don't use a lot of either oil (sunflower & castor), which makes it last a lot longer.

I never thought something like that would work, but I've been hearing all my life about these little old ladies who only ever washed their faces with olive oil, never used any other moisturizer or anything else on their faces & I just assumed they had good luck, good genes or both. Then I started doing some research, after I read about other people using the OCM, and decided it couldn't work any worse than what I'd been doing that was failing & gave it a shot. I'm very pleased with it & likely won't stop doing it now. I have no desire to fix what isn't broken at this point.

Good Week.. So Far

It's hump day, and it's been a pretty good week, so far, even though Troy hasn't been/won't be around that much. He worked at the shop yesterday (he works on cars for a friend of his) and has to go into work this afternoon for awhile. We did get our state income tax refund yesterday, and it went straight into our savings account, for our vacation in May, which is exactly where the federal refund will go, too. It'll be so nice to not have to get a cash advance online to help pay for anything we ant on the trip, I'm happy I though ahead on this one & that Troy agreed with me about it.

There were other things we could have done with the money, like buy new furniture, get new tires for my XTerra and pay off Troy's car, but I think we both felt like this trip is something we really need to do, and that we need some time out of Utah & away from our every day stressors. I know we're really looking forward to going and that we're going to have a fantastic time, and that's all that really matters in the long run.

Nice.

The office is a nice place to work & play again, the printer is hooked up, most things are put away, and we went & looked at tables for in here this afternoon. I think we've found the one we want, we both really liked it & the chairs were super-comfy, too. It's a dark brown, with tile in the center areas, the table is one of the taller pub-styles with the tall chairs, too. It's nice, because we're both fairly tall, and sometimes it's a pain in the butt to sit down in lower chairs at lower tables. I think we found the click-clack sofa we want to get, too. It has a Serta mattress for the seat & back (they turn into beds) and is a really pretty color, with storage underneath.

The weather has been pretty nice, we had a little snow for a couple of days, nothing to need to rush out & buy ariens snowblowers, or anything, it was pretty much just cold and windy. It was gorgeous today, although a cold breeze picked up after 3pm.

Our taxes have been filed and we should get our Federal return on the 18th. Who knows with the state, but they'll both be getting deposited immediately into our savings account for our trip in May, so it doesn't really matter when they get here, as long as it's before then. We could have used them for furniture, but it just made more sense to me to save them for this instead, that way we aren't worrying so much about what we spend and can have a nice time.

Just Busy

Don't worry, I aten't dead yet, as Granny Weatherwax would say, just busy. I also have a bug of some sort, which hasn't been pleasant, rolling stomach, fever and all. I absolutely hate being sick and am wondering what this is, because it's running the course through the house, with me being the last to suffer with it. Everyone else seems to have recovered in about a day, we'll see if I'm as lucky. I'm feeling right now like earing breakfast may have been a mistake, unfortunately.

Anyway, we almost have our office put back together, I just need to bring the printer & stand in here & get it hooked up, then find a place for office supply storage, and a place for Troy's diabetes supplies and we should be good to go on that. I have a lot of work to do in the bedroom to get that cleaned up & organized though & hope I can get it done by Saturday evening, but I have my doubts. We may have to hold our Imbolc rites in the office.

Erin, his girlfriend, Alisa & friend, Nick left last Thursday, heading for Las Vegas. They've made it to Wiki-up, AZ so far, which really, isn't that great for traveling speed, considering he made it from Austin, TX to hear in less than a week. I guess things have been touch & go as Alisa sees what he's like when he isn't at home, but she's trying & still believes he can overcome his alcoholism & addiction. I did ask her not to sacrifice herself if it didn't look hopeful, but she's young & idealistic & likely will.