Hmmmm

I was just sitting here, realizing that I haven't been great about remembering to take my multivitamins and such, lately, mostly because I have to eat almost immediately after taking them or I get sick to my stomach. I've been waiting until after I eat breakfast for the past couple of weeks, so then I forget completely some day. I wonder if that plays any role in my mood & my ability to eat correctly? Does anyone know? I hadn't really ever considered it, but I wouldn't doubt it plays at least a small role in some of my current difficulties.

I guess I'll set a reminder on my phone so that I don't forget anymore & see if it helps anything. It can't hurt, at any rate.

Better

I was really being a snot yesterday. Wow, I hate when I get like that, I hate feeling that insecure, and I have no idea why I allow it to bother me that much, but apparently, it really does. We solved the problem, but I really think that mostly I'm having a tough time getting used to Troy being on nights again & things like that, so that when I don't feel like I'm getting enough time with him or what I want, I turn into a spoiled brat. I'm sure that living with me when I'm doing that is about as much fun as accidently chugging a colon cleanser, so I'm going to seriously work on that over the next few weeks or so.

I need to stop being so afraid that Troy doesn't love me just because he's in the mood to play a game. I know it doesn't mean that he'll stop paying attention to me, I just have to convince myself of that fully before I can relax when he turns his computer on. Life is a funny thing sometimes & you'd think after 19 years I wouldn't be going through this, wouldn't you?

The Plague

I swear to the Gods, my skin breaks out more as a 44 year old, grown-ass woman than it did when I was a teenager. It wouldn't be so bad if I could use the same types of products I used back then to keep it under control, but my skin is so thin & dry now that I have to be more careful with it. I need some adult acne treatments that actually work, so I can stop feeling self-conscious about my face. I hate this awkward, insecure feeling, I ought to be past that in my life.

Anyway, I'm sitting here smelling burnt food that someone tried to cook, and wishing I could open windows in this house because that's a smell that I absolutely hate. I also wish that the other people who cook in this house would use a temperature beside high & remember to check on their food while it's cooking so that doesn't happen. I realize that I'm just being a bitch, but I'm in a sad & grumpy mood right now, and feeling insecure & unloved. I'll get over it, I always do.

Snow!

We had a fairly large snow storm in the night & probably have about 5" on the ground at my house. I have to specify, because I'm sure there wasn't that much everywhere in town, but I live about 2 blocks or so from the mountains & we get a lot more snow over here. The bonus to that is that it's a little bit cooler over here in the summer, too.

At any rates, we didn't get enough to need to use periscopes to see over it, so that's always a good thing. The roads weren't too terribly bad the two times I went out in it earlier, although there were a few traction problems & a bit of sliding. There weren't even too many idiots out there, yet, so I'm happy to have gotten my driving over early on & now I don't have to go out again, unless I want to.

Today I plan to get the tree put up in the living room & make the pumpkin mousse for tomorrow, and really, not a whole lot else I think. I may try to find a place to put the winter village I have, but then, I may not, who knows?

Decorating

I decided that I couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate my house for Yule, so I started today. I intend to set my notebook computer up with a Christmas Pandora station, since I have it in the kitchen, on my microwave these days & we can have some festive music playing when we want it to. I have a small tree set up in my room, but need to wait until Troy gets back to help me find the lights. I would like some garland to match my room and ornaments, so I haven't started decorating it yet.

The tree in the living room will be our 6 foot pre-lit tree & it'll have all Pagan related ornaments on it. I bought a bunch of them at Walmart the other day, believe it or not. They had a ton of birds, leaves, pine cones & the sort, plus stags & stars, they're all just gorgeous. I'm excited to have that all set up & ready to go, I think it's going to be beautiful & so much more meaningful to us this year.

My Bradford Mint (I think?) snowman that I got last year is up in it's normal spot & I also go a penguin ski slope last year, after Christmas, so it's up on the other end of the TV stand, and they both look so cute & festive. I love Yule!

Getting Better & Looking Forward

Things are much better around here, thankfully. Troy & I are working on things in our marriage & doing what we need to do to make our relationship work, however we decide to move forward. We both feel a lot more hopeful about us than we have in a very long time.

I'm very excited about Yule & can't wait to get my trees up & the house looking festive & wonderful. We got Beth's gift the other day, but have no idea what to get for Dani, so we're going to go & look at the toys for her age next payday & try to decide then. There are so many cool things out there now for babies who are 6+ months & that's what we'll look for. I got Dawn's gift on Friday, Troy, Ryan & I are going in together on something for Jason, so I just need to figure Ryan's gift out now. This is so much fun!

Finally

I finally got the boys in touch with each other & the last we heard, they were eating pizza & playing video games at Garrett & Keri's house. That was a big relief for all of us this morning. Unfortunately, Troy is having some medical issues again, which increase the stress around here & in turn, increase the medical problems. Stress, it's one of Mother Nature's thermogenic fat burners! I haven't eaten anything today at all, and honestly, with all that's going on, I don't honestly care if I ever eat again. I just have no desire for food, and don't care if I get sick, or die or whatever, I'm in a pretty deep funk at the moment, but I know eventually, I'll get over it.

Anyway, the holidays are almost upon us, and I never feel anywhere near ready, just like I don't right now. We're having our Thanksgiving dinner with our friends on Saturday & even though I know what I'm cooking, I don't have any of the ingredients yet, or even a list of what they might be. I'm cooking dinner for Troy & Rhi on Thanksgiving & am not even sure what I'm actually cooking yet. I need to get on that, so I can get my list made & go shopping in the morning (after my windshield gets replaced, that is). Busy. Sad. Tired.

Waiting

Erin called me this morning from Trinidad, Colorado, which is about 80 miles south of Pueblo, where Garrett is. He called me again later, from Pueblo, but I haven't been able to get in touch with Garrett all day, because our power went out at 9am & just came back on about 10 minutes ago. I'm really hoping I can get them in touch with each other, since Erin has an infected spider bite & needs medical attention, but can't get it unless he can take the dog somewhere safe to stay while he does. This is so aggravating.

While we were waiting for the power to come back on, we took a road trip in Troy's little car to St. George. I did a little looking for gifts for our friends, but didn't really find anything all that amazing. If Jason still smoked them, I'd start looking at all of the different cigar types and see if I could find something I thought he'd like, but he quit, so back to the drawing board on that one.

Worry

Erin has been a pretty constant source of worry since he started this big, cross-country journey of his. I have very little way of keeping in touch with him & rarely know where he is from week to week, so if he suddenly stops calling someday, I won't even know where to start looking. On October 19, he called & told us that he was married to a girl & they were coming home for Christmas. Well, we were kind of in the middle of Danica being bored & didn't really get to talk to him much about it. He called me last week to tell me that she had left him, her ex had beaten the crap out of him & that he was afraid he had contracted HIV from a dirty needle. He was supposed to call us back on Thursday & let us know what the test results were, but when he did call Troy, it was to let his drunken wife talk & apologize until the phone died.

We still have no idea, and are still very worried about him. He's going to need some very cheap health insurance if he is, unless he just plans to do nothing (which would be his speed, honestly). I just wish I could go back in time & change it all for him.

NaBloPoMo 6

I'm using the prompts page for this.

If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. You're beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. There will be men who come along in your life who try to beat you down & make you doubt yourself, hate yourself and feel less than the wonderful, beautiful person you are. They are wrong.

2. Finish school, you will regret it forever if you don't.

3. Never be afraid to just be you. The people who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

NaBloPoMo 5

I'm using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

What makes you notice someone?

It could be any number of things, to a crooked smile, a nice laugh, beautiful eyes or great hands, honestly. I think what really makes me notice people is when they're in a crowd, just happily being their own, quirky selves without reservation. I noticed a guy at the bar one night, in a sea of other people because he was doing his own little dance. It didn't hurt that he also had a great smile & such, either, but the first thing I noticed was that he was being himself in a crowd of other people trying to act like each other to fit in.

None of the people in my life, that I'm continually drawn to are conformists. None of us are "normal" by the standard definition, so I guess I'm attracted to the unusual, that thing that truly make you you.

NaBloPoMo 4

I'm using the prompts for these.

Would you rather be wealthy and ugly, wise and sickly, or beautiful and stupid?

Wow. I don't want to be ugly or stupid, that's for sure, but aren't those both fairly subjective terms? I'm sure there are many people who think I'm both, honestly, and just as many who don't. I think I'm both, myself, on some days. I think I'll just keep being me, that lady who's sometimes insecure, has low self-esteem, is moderately well-off, pretty smart & mostly content. I've never seriously wished to be anything other than I am & anything I ever want to change about myself always seems to be something that I can work on without having unreasonable & unattainable dreams.

NaBloPoMo Day 3

Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

I'll just describe the one I intend to read next, since I'm not creative enough to make anything up about a book I'd like to read that hasn't been written yet. It's a detailed history of the neo-Pagan subculture. It talks about rituals, lifestyles and the people who practice neo-Paganism. It was the book that helped me realize that what I believe has a name & that I wasn't alone in the world believing that way.

NaBloPoMo 2

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

November 2: Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you? I wear a sterling silver ring on the middle finger of my right hand. I never take it off, because I promised I wouldn't when I got it. It's a small heart with fairly large angel wings, that meet each other at the top (I'll post a picture of it after my camera gets here today). It was given to me by a vendor on the last day of our last renne faire, this past July. The booth was called "Blackheart Metals" and the vendor's name is Todd. I had been planning to buy either this ring, or the necklace that matches, because I bought the earrings last year & love them so much. The design name is "freedom" and the symbol has so much meaning to me these days, not just because we retired from the faire board, but in my own, personal life, too. I didn't make enough money at faire to justify buying anything, and gave up on it.

While we were tearing down, Troy came over & told me that Todd wanted to see me at his booth, so I went over & he gave me a big hug & told me to pick out any piece of jewelry that I wanted, so I chose the ring. His son, asked me if I would actually wear it & I looked at him & said, "Every day." and I have. It's never left my hand since then. They are such awesome people, and I'll miss them very much. Todd came by every evening & talked to us, we spent a lot of time in the mornings and slow times of the day visiting with them, and I feel like we built up a friendship, or at the very least a good beginning to one.

NaBloPoMo 1

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts this month to try to accomplish this tiny goal I'm setting for myself.

November 1: How would your life change if you didn't have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free? Wow, it would surely change in a lot of ways. I can't imagine only having to pay our standard monthly bills (which for us is only utilities, cable/internet, insurance & cell bills) and not worrying about the rent. We'd probably be able to afford to get my XTerra fixed & get Troy a car, too. That would be really nice. We could afford new furniture, granted, just a bit at a time, as our rent really isn't all that expensive, and to some people, not much at all. At any rate, life would be easier & we might actually be able to each put some money away for emergencies each month, instead of dreading something going wrong all the time.