Mellow Times

Things with the kids seem to have mellowed out considerably since the last time I posted. Erin is still rarely here, but I've stopped worrying so much & realized that he leaves me visual clues to tell me that he's here. If he comes home at night, he hangs his hoodie on the hooks by the door, or leaves his shoes where I can see them the next morning. He really does hate to worry me & tries to go out of his way to make sure I don't & I truly appreciate that.

Rhi is out of meds as of today, but she's finally working & gets paid by the job. She has another job tomorrow & should be able to pay for her prescriptions on her own. She, too, was trying to help me not worry about her well-being. She can do it as long asthat's the first thing she does after getting paid. She can do really well with this job if she saves her money & doesn't blow it all, her commission is quite nice, especially in light of the fact that she does very little actual work as far as time spent goes. She got to go up to Salt Lake City this past week for a couple of days with her best friend, Caela & they had a ball! She got to go ice skating & shopping, out to eat and all of that fun stuff. She bought a paid of neon yellow & black plaid pants that she loves & even put bright colors in her hair again. I did have to go pick her up last night from the movies, they went to see "Drag me to Hell," and it was just too much for her. I didn't mind & no one should have to sit through a movie they aren't enjoying.

We have a friend (of sorts) who's pregnant. She's currently living with her husband on his truck (he's a truck-driver) because she & his ex-wife got into an argument & she isn't allowed in the house anymore. Apparently, he goes inside & just leaves his wife out in the truck, which I don't agree with, but it isn't really my business. I guess they're moving back to the Carolinas soon, I'm not sure if they'll be looking for Wilmington NC real estate or something similar or going back to South Carolina where her parents are, but I wish them the best of luck, moving out here wasn't the best choice for their marriage, honestly.

Worry

I can tell that it's summer around here, I haven't really seen Erin for two days & until I got up this morning & noticed his jacket was gone I was worried that something had happened to him. I hate to think the worst of him, you know, but sometimes when we haven't heard from him, I start to worry that he's dead in his room, and while that fear acts like the best appetite suppressant on the market, it's just not healthy for me to have to think that way. I'm just hoping, that since he's started to talk about wanting to go to college, that he'll start to find himself & get back on track. He's a great person, I just wish he could see that. He gets bored so easily & as soon as that happens he's game to try & do almost anything to end the boredom & that really scares me.

Rhi is being pretty quiet these days, too. I'm not sure if it's because she's still mad at us, or if she's up to things she doesn't want us to know about or if she's depressed again. Any of those things could very well be true, as she acts the same way in each of those cases, it could be a combination of them, too. I know she's out of her meds, unless someone else paid for them for her, so I worry about that, too.

It feels like it's going to be anothe summer of stress & worry about my kids. I hope it won't be & they get their stuff together & start to meet their potential. I only want them to be happy & successful in whatever they choose to be & do. I don't push them, I don't pry into their lives, but at the same time, I don't want them to fail at life, either. So, I guess we'll see what the coming months have to offer for all of us.

Realistic or Just Cynical

The last time I posted on a Monday, I talked about how becoming a parent changed who I was forever, which is very true. There are times when I wonder if the change was for the better, though. Until a few years ago, in my mind anything my kids did was because they were still growing, maturing & learning & they didn't mean the things they said or what they did.

I no longer believe that.

Over the past two or three years I've come to accept that whatever my daughter says to me, no matter how much she apologizes later, is the truth as she sees it & that she definitely means it. She can put it down to having a bad day or forgetting to take her meds, but I know that she does hate me & everything to do with me. I know that no matter what I do or say to try to change that, I can't. I also know that after the past weekend, I won't be giving her anymore birthday parties or inviting her to go away with us anywhere.

I'm not sure if this latest change makes me a realist or just cynical, but it sure has helped me deal with my own guilt that our relationship is perfect, or even, most of the time, comfortable. Currently I don't trust her at all & that's really sad to say about your own child, but it's so true.

Manic Monday

Play along!

If you could completely redecorate any room in your house at no expense to you, what room would you choose? The kitchen, without a doubt.I hate that room more than any other in this place.

Which hour of the day do you feel goes the slowest? The one right before whatever time it is that we're leaving to go somewhere.

If your birthday could be in a different month of the year, when would you have it? Sometime in the late spring or early summer, so I could have an outside party or something. I hate it being in January.

Camping Time!

Vacations with your kids don't have to be expensive to be memorable to them. You don't have to take them to the latest & greatest them park, or a resort with 5 swimming pools or even travel very far at all. You can look for mid-week deals on hotels that are fairly close by & take a few mini-vacations during the summer, you can go camping at a nearby campground or take a few day trips to museums & attractions that are in towns close to you.

We haven't had very many "real vacations" during the past 18 years, or at least what a lot of people would call real vacations, our kids have never been to Disneyland, Universal Studios or even summer camp or any type, but we have had a lot of camping trips with them, we took a 3 or 4-day trip to Las Vegas & paid mid-week rates (Las Vegas in a 2 1/2 hour drive for us) on our room. They don't feel like they missed anything by taking simple vacations, and neither do I, since they were the same type I grew up on.

Even now that our kids are grown, we still look forward to the warm months & camping season, and often look for occasions to celebrate as an excuse to take off for the weekend. We just got back from a camping trip to celebrate Rhi's 19th birthday (which is a whole other story on it's own) and have already started planning the next trip, which will, hopefully be a lot less drama filled.

So, instead of going into debt to give your kids the "vacation of a lifetime," why not plan a weekend camping trip to celebrate their soccer trophies instead? It will be just as memorable to them, cost you less money & you'll actually get to spend more quality time together as a family. Yes, it's dirty & a lot more messy than other options, but honestly, that what showers are for.

Unconcious Mutterings

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1. Vex :: Irk
   
2. Relapse :: Backslide
   
3. Twinkle :: Star
   
4. Crawls :: Baby
   
5. Optimistic moment :: Aha!
   
6. Cage :: Fight
   
7. Superwoman :: Batgirl
   
8. Personal :: Private
   
9. Vapor :: Vicks
   
10. Grocery store :: Pay day
    

Wow.

That was a much longer break than I had intended. I got all of my computer issues situated finally, I think. *knocks on wood* Now I can concentrate on blogging & getting ready for summer & faire.

There isn't a lot going on with the kids right now, Erin isn't around much, but that's becoming fairly normal. He went camping last week with a family from the tribe & said he had a great time, which is always good. He got a notice in the mail the other day saying that his drivers' license had been suspended indefinitely due to his minor consumption conviction (he doesn't even have a DL), which amused all of us a little bit. He goes to court again a week from today for an arraignment, and I'm hoping this will be the last series of court dates he's dealing with, although I seriously doubt it.

Rhi had two interviews yesterday & felt pretty good about both of them, so hopefully, she'll get one of the jobs. She really needs something so she can pay for her medication & start saving to get out on her own again. She's having a dilemma in her love life right now, where she isn't sure she wants to stay with the guy she's with or start something new with a guy she has a crush on. I have my own opinions on the situation, but won't say, since it isn't my life or my heart, but I hope she figures it out pretty soon & stops tormenting herself.

We're taking Rhi, her best friend & her boyfriend camping this weekend to celebrate her birthday (which was the 7th), Dawn, Jason & her kids are coming with us, so it should be a pretty fun time. I intend to take my books & just enjoy myself & relax for awhile.

There is another huge thing going on in my life right now, but I'll keep it to mysef until we can actually get it going & it gets approved, before I risk the opinion of the world at large. Let's just say that my life will change entirely if it all works out.

Friday.. Funday?

It probably won't be all that fun, honestly. It's grocery shopping day, which always wears me out, especially since I just went with Dawn last night to help her take care of her own.

I finally got Rhi's birthday gift ordered - a day after her birthday. That's okay, she knew it was going to be late & actually knows what it is, so it's no big surprise or anything. We're taking her camping next weekend for her "party," and that's kind of part of her gift, too.

Erin is camping this weekend with some people that we know, although it beats me as to why they invited him. It's not like they spend time with him or anything, or have even seem him for months, but whatever.

The furkids are all well, Tiny is still excited to get outside every day & "guard the neighborhood." She won't let me do anything else until I take her out. The cats go crazy for the first 2 hours I'm out here & then they sleep for most of the day, it's pretty funny to watch.

Anyway, I need to wake Troy & get groceries.

Wow.

Yesterday completely went to waste. I tried to print some things, the printer wasn't working on my computer & Troy spent the rest of the day trying to fix it. I decided a few days ago that I was going to do all of my typing on my desktop, because my laptop's stupid touchpad is too sensitive & makes workig on it impossible, so no typing at all yesterday.

So, anyway, here I am, back on Tuesday. We're still trying to figure out a way to pay for Rhi's meds, since she turns 19 in two days & has no insurance. I went through all of major drugstore's web sites today, lookig at their $4 drugs, and the dosage she takes of fluoextine (generic for Prozac) isn't listed anywhere, the generic for her Depakote isn't on anyone's list & apparently Walgreens discoutinued their $4 plan & opted for one you have to pay for.

So we still have no idea what to do about it. I'm not going to worry about her birth control, I don't feel like that should be my responsibility anymore, as much as I love her & don't think she should have children, it should be her job to make sure it doesn't happen, not mine.

Erin goes to court in a couple of weeks & we'll see what happens then. I'm sure it'll just be him pleading not guilty & asking for a lawyer, I can't see anything else happening. I honestly wishe he'd just stay out of trouble before he ends up in jail.

Ten on Tuesday

Play Along!

10 Awesome Bands!

1. Tiger Army
2. Social Distortion
3. Flogging Molly
4. Dropkick Murphys
5. Green Day
6. Rancid
7. Unwritten Law
8. Goo Goo Dolls
9. Smashmouth
10. Bouncing Souls

Wrapping it Up

It seemed like a tough week around here, it was probably just two or three days that were tough, though. I honestly think any week where I end it sick is a bad one.

Let's see.. aside from his scare earlier in the week, Erin had a pretty good one. He got to spent a lot of time with his friends, which doesn't happen often. A couple of his friends got an apartment, so he was able to spend time helping them move & hanging out over there. He still hasn't found a job & hasn't really decided what he's doing this summer, but that typical for him. He kind of takes life as it comes.

Rhi has had a bad week. She ran out of her meds on Monday, but I forgot about it until the pharmacy was closed. By the time she got her meds she was closing in on 24 hours without them & then she forgot to take them when she got home. She's okay for a little while without the Prozac, but you know it as soon as the Depakote wears off, and it's all screaming, cursing & hate. She was still out of it the next evening, or she was trying to show me what life will be like after this prescription runs out & I'm not paying for them anymore. She's going to be even angrier with me when she finds out that I don't think her birth control pills are a matter of life & death & refuse to pay for them, too.

That's about it, she's still trying to find a job, beut I think she's blowing off voc rehab & school, so who knows. It's not my place to ask & if I do, it'll just start another fight.

Saturday 9: Settling the Score

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1. Do you feel that you have “a score to settle” with anyone? Probably one person. I'm usually pretty laid back & just let things roll off my back, but I think there's one.

2. Do you own anything that you think is unbreakable? No, I think just about anything can be broken eventually.

3. Tell us about a crazy thing you did in high school. I did a lot of crazy things in high school. I got drunk with some friends once & almost slid down the dikes & into the Arkansas river, that was pretty crazy.. and scary.

4. Name the one talent of yours that you think is the best. I'm pretty good at making my ideas into reality.

5. Who wins American Idol? (if you don’t watch, tell us about a reality show that you do follow.) I haven't been watching, probably Adam, he'll get the estrogen vote.

6. What is your favorite movie in black & white? The Maltese Falcon

7. What is one thing advertised too much on TV? Male-Enhancement products.

8. What is your current favorite TV drama? Dexter, Southland or In Plain Sight

9. What is your current favorite TV comedy? Californication

It's a Furry Friday

Tiny is about halfway through her "spring molt." That means that we have dog hair everywhere in the house. Everything that I've worn for the last week is coated in dog hair. These times are the only ones I ever regret having a dog. I hate having hair in & on everything.

I need Troy to go out there with her today & use the "furminator" on her (it's not a real one, thus the quotes) and then it'll hopefully be finished. She's been doing really well in the yard this week, she hasn't broken through the skirting again or gotten herself tangled up or anything.

She rarely barks out there now, unless the neighborhood kids start bugging her. They stand where she can see them & taunt her until one of us comes out the door & then they all run off. It's harmless, but it can get really annoying if they do it more than once a day.

The cats have mellowed out a little bit, although Buster sits outside Erin's room & yowls mournfully when he starts missing him, which is fairly often. He didn't sleep here last night, so Bus will head back there & sit, sadly waiting, because I'm sure he's convinced that Erin is in the room.

Friday 5 for May 1

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1. On May First, 1738, King Kamehameha I was born. What are your impressions of Hawaii? I'd really love to visit Hawaii someday, it looks like a beautiful place. I'd love to see the volcanoes & try some of the delicious looking foods.
   
2. On May First, 1873, Dr. David Livingstone died. When did you last presume something erroneous about someone or something? I so it so often it seems. It probably involved Rhi, it usually does.
   
3. On May First, 1876, Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro debuted. How do you feel about Disney’s animated classic Pinocchio? It's actually one of my favorite Disney movies, and it seems to stay pretty true to the other versions out there, which is a big gripe with Disney for me.
   
4. May First is Walpurgis Night in Sweden and other parts of northern Europe. When did you last sing in front of an audience? A few years ago, my crazy friends made me get up on the stage with them at the Renaissance Faire & we sang I'm a little tea pot with all of the motions. I have no idea why, but we did.
   
5. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are a punk rock cover band. What song’s cover version do you like better than its original version? I Believe I Can Fly, when done by Me First & the Gimme Gimmes, which, in my opinion, is the only way to listen to a cover.