Accepting Me

I had a really tough day yesterday. I went to court for my youngest child - I can't even say "with" because she was in jail & still is - and listened to her begging the judge to release her so that she could give her father & I the gift of her sobriety for the holidays. In my heart I knew she wouldn't be sober if she was home & that what I really wanted from her was for her to stay in jail & then enter inpatient rehab before she dies.

I came home & got to spend a little time with our granddaughters, but then my middle child called and was upset that he didn't get what he thought was enough financial aid for school (6k a semester, the school he wanted into is 7k/sem) and wanted us to apply for a loan we thought we would be denied for so he'd be awarded another 2k a semester. I refused, he got butt-hurt and went on a tirade on Facebook and too a lot of things out on me, our relatives and my friends.

I ended my evening in tears, with a headache and feeling like crap about myself, again. This whole thing did serve a purpose, because it got me to thinking that it isn't my weight that makes me feel terrible about myself. It's my attitude about myself that makes me feel that way. I started reading articles about size acceptance and health at every size and realized that I just have to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, inside and out. I am a beautiful, fat, loving, giving, smart, funny woman. I still hated myself when I had lost 100 pounds, which explains why I gained it all back.

I'm not going to be dieting anymore. I will get and stay active, going to the gym, taking walks, going hiking and camping and doing all of the things that I love. I will not engage in things that make me feel like I'm a failure, like dieting. I've been working on portion control, I eat cleanly and avoid almost all processed foods these days and that will continue, I do, after all, have Troy's health to think about (he's diabetic), too.

I plan to start buying myself clothes that I love and that are well fitting, and stop punishing myself because I'm fat. I deserve to look and feel beautiful, even if I get as large as all the furniture stores los angeles has, put together. I won't, but so what if I did? It's my business, no one else's.

I'm letting my hair grow out & when it's at a length I like, I'll have it styled into beautiful layers that make it look like it isn't baby fine and limp. Most of all, I'm going to give myself a break and start loving me the way my husband and friends do, for who I am.

Trying

I'm desperately trying not to give up on myself. I really want to be back on track with my weight loss and eating the right way. I'm so tired of feeling guilty, fat and ugly. I never felt that way when I was gung-ho about myself. This whole thing with my daughter has taken a lot out of me, I realize that. It isn't fair or even right & I'm going to get past it. I'm just ashamed of how I look, I can't find any clothes in the house that are comfortable, but look good. I thought about finding a place to get discount medical uniforms, and buying some scrubs, but I refuse to resort to that. They look great if you work at a healthcare facility, but they not for every day.

If I could just get back on track, I could look forward to wearing my own clothes again. I think I'm just going to suck it up and get started on it, as soon as all of this court crap is over with (which I hope will be done today). I'll sit down, make a plan, figure out my points for what I want to eat & just do it again until it's second nature.

Thinking About Gifts

It's that time of year again, and I can never figure out what to get for my dad for Christmas. Mom is easy, she loves jewelry and I have a credit to get her something nice with a company I mistakenly signed up with. I was thinking about getting him some of those chocolate-covered strawberries, since he loves candy and at least this way, he's getting some fruit with it, so maybe mom won't get quite so upset with him. I need to visit their site and see if there's anything I think he'd enjoy before I make a final decision.

I also don't know what to get for my brothers or their girlfriends. I'm not even sure if Craig will be coming out for Christmas, or not yet. I know they'll be here for Thanksgiving, though and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

I think I'll just get my niece a gift card, who knows what emo type thing she's into these days? I'm not going to try to figure it out.

Troy is supposed to let me know pretty soon what he wants and we're getting Erin and Alisa the game "Rocksmith" and sending his guitar to him. We were going to get Rhi a new cell phone, but she's in jail again and I'm not going to be paying her bill anymore, so she won't need a new phone, guess she'll get a shirt or something. I might just send Garrett and Keri a gift card for Target or something, I don't know what they need or want after all.