Friday, May 04, 2012

Just So Tired

There are days when I just can't take it anymore. The little drunk in the family manages to remain the center of attention by continuing to drink. She upsets me, she upsets her brother, she upsets her father. She herself? She's 10 feet tall & bulletproof. My husband is at the place where I was a year ago, blaming himself, feeling like he can change her "if only." I'm not sure what his "if only" is, mine was "if only I show her enough praise & attention." It didn't work, because it wasn't my fault in the first place, it's her fault. She got plenty of love, attention & praise growing up. I think we blame ourselves for these things because it's puts us back in a place of control: if it's our fault, then we can fix it. So, we end up setting ourselves up for failure because none of that is true.

No one gets sober unless they are truly ready & willing.

No one forces anyone else to pick up that drink, time & time again.

All any of his self-blame does is make our marriage sad & lonely, because he's focused on what he did wrong or how he should be able to fix everything and never smiles or enjoys himself anymore. I'm really at the point where I'm not going to even mention her anymore, at least not to him. I'm really dreading tomorrow, since she's supposed to be here for our Beltane rites. I'm half tempted to just tell her not to come if she's been drinking, that no one wants to be be around her when she isn't sober. I hate this. I'm so tired of this life, I want the one I briefly had, while she was in jail, back.

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