Thursday & a Tummy Ache

My stomach is just rolling today & I have no idea why. I'm sure I didn't eat anything bad, I pretty much live on oatmeal, sandwiches & frozen dinners & all of those are fresh, so I have no clue, I just know I'm not feeling well today. I hope I'm not still feeling this way for the weekend.

I talked to Rhi this morning about her appointment yesterday, she said it went really well & she really liked the psychologist she saw & would like to go back to him when she gets insurance. He said she was definitely bipolar, which we knew, but it's nice to get verification of it. Hopefully, he'll disable her & she can at least get state disability, which will give her medicaid. Keep your fingers crossed for her!

I'm trying to get everything done in here that I need to, so I can shower & put my contacts back in & not worry too much about having to wear my readers while I'm doing important things. They don't matter much while I'm messing around on Facebook & whatnot, but if I have to do a lot of typing, they do kind of screw with me.

Some days, I wish I had a bunch of money, that way I'd buy gold online, save it & see what the market is like later on & maybe sell it at a profit. I never have money when the price is low enough to consider, but I might think about it sometime when & if the price ever drops again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a safe deposit box full of gold, just waiting for the price to go up again? Kind of like a nice little insurance policy.

Hump Day!

Rhi had an evaluation today for disability, I hope things work out for her. Having her own money & independence would be so great for her at this point. I had a great eye doctor appointment & have contacts that actually feel great in my eyes for once, so I'm a happy camper now.

Things, as usual, are busy around here. I have the use of a car about one weekday anymore, so things have to get done on that day or they don't get done at all. Today was that day, between appointments and trips to stores to get things bought, a movie & all I forgot we had wanted to get the rent paid too. It's not due until Monday, so we're fine, but, still, we wanted it out of the way.

I swear I spend so much time in the house these days that my tan is starting to fade away & I need to invest in some indoor tanning lotion. I hate winter, and I hate being pale. Come back Summer!!!!

Anyway, I need to think about shutting this thing down & resting my eyes, they're tired after the exam & getting used to contacts again.

Music

I've been sitting here all morning, putting life off & listening to Pandora radio. I'm really enjoying the mix they're sending me today, it's been really great. I usually have my Zune plugged in speakers in here, but I thought I'd give it a break & start using Pandora again. I'm getting tons of ideas for the music I want to add to my Zune by listening to music this way, at any rate.

I'm staying on track with my food, so far today, in spite of waking up starving. I usually have a day where I'm not hungry at all followed by one like today & it repeats itself fairly regularly. It can be very frustrating, especially when Troy's on day shift & dinner is late, since I do still cook for everyone in the house during the week. Well, I did until this pay period, because I'm back on the whole eating frozen dinners things for awhile, until I get back in control on my own again. I've accepted that there really isn't any quick weight loss solution out there that will work for me, and that I'm just going to have to watch everything I put in my mouth for the rest of my life. I can't get bored or bummed out & change what I'm doing, because then I stop losing weight & I'm so far from being finished still. When I reach my goal, I'll still have to watch what I eat, that will never change for me.

I hate being an addict.

A Bit Better

I'm feeling a bit better, although, I'm still a little stuffed up. I don't feel horrible, which is a bonus, right? I'm looking forward to our Samhain ritual on Saturday & the party to follow. We all always have so much fun together & just about everyone will be here, which is fantastic. We hope to go out on Friday, but if we don't manage that, it'll be fine. The weekend is going to be pretty great regardless, everyone will pretty much just be spending the night on Saturday night, so we don't have to worry about having a designated driver or anything & can just have a good time.

I've been using a new acne wash and lotion which seem to be helping my skin issues & I'm back on track with my eating, thankfully, at least for today & like any other addiction, I'm taking it one day at a time & just trying to get through them one at a time. I know that I'll beat this, I have in the past & I will again. I just wish that either I had my own vehicle or that Troy's work schedule would mellow out, so I get to the gym more than one day a week, because that would help a whole lot.

That Sniffle-y Time of Year

I'm so thankful that I got my flu shot this year, but I'm not happy that I have some sort of a bug while I'm waiting for my full immunity to kick in. I really hate feeling unwell, I have so much that I always want to be doing & hate not feeling like it. I've been wanting to finish getting my yard decorated for Halloween for a week, but haven't had the energy to actually get out there & do it yet. Instead of that I've been eating myself into a coma & I'll tell you what, that is ending. I'm done letting my insecurities make me fat. I know I'm depressed & bored & yet, I keep eating like a little pig & I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm tired of feeling fat & bloated all the time & not really remembering what it feels like to be hungry.

My skin is getting so bad from this crazy eating that I've been needing to use acne cream just to keep it to a dull roar these days & that can't be happening, either. Sheesh, I'm letting myself fall apart over here, just because my family doesn't understand me. Wahhhhh. Get a grip on yourself, Dyane, before you wake up over 300 pounds again.

Bad Phone Luck

I swear, if Rhi didn't have bad luck with phones, she'd have no luck with them at all. We signed her up for Virgin Wireless a couple of months ago. I topped her plan up after the first month & the next day, her phone disappeared. She borrowed one & it got lost or broken, then she found hers again (out in an empty lot, we were all amazed). I topped it up again this month & it disappeared that day. Troy bought her a new one after the weekend, we both told her it was the last one we were going to buy for her, and this evening I get a call from an unknown number. It was her, telling me her friend's puppy ate the 3 day old phone.

This guy has said he'll buy her another one tomorrow, so I hope he sticks with that & we aren't faced with her being hysterical again over not having one. Life, I think, was easier when cells were so expensive you were lucky to have one for the whole family.

It's like printers, everyone has one now, but back in the day, you might have one per family & finding ink was expensive & hard, especially trying to remember if yours needed the 108R00723 cartridge or the 108R00725A one. You'd carefully write it down, then either not be able to read what you wrote, the store would be out of the one you needed or you left the note at home. What a pain in the butt. Cell phones are like that for me right now.

Yawn!

I really, really wish that Jaycie would realize that not all of us are up & ready to text at 7:30am. I realize that she gets up at around 6 & heads for school pretty early, but I earned the extra sleep. I put in countless early morning hours when I was raising my kids, I don't get up that early on most days. She texted me awake today, but I didn't bother responding this time. I did, however, drag my ass out of bed & got started on my laundry. It's all done now, except for drying my sheets. I got that started & got my bed changed, so at least I accomplished something this morning. I think I'd have rather slept awhile longer, though.

Yesterday I had to take a short nap before I cooked dinner, since I was sitting here, doing something on my computer & the next thing I knew I was jerking awake. I didn't even realize that I was all that tired, honestly.

Anyway, I'm tired today, but at least I know that, right? I'm hoping to have a better day today, at any rate. Yesterday, my eyes itched all day long, I ruined the keyboard on my laptop and had to accept that my camera is broken. Today, I have an external keyboard hooked up, my eyes don't itch, I still have no camera, but I'm alive & getting things done. Maybe I'll be able to stay on track with my eating today, too, that'll make me feel good about myself.

I'm thinking about looking into health care careers, but not nursing or anything like that. I'm not sure, really, what interests me, that I can actually make a living at, so I have to kind of look at everything that I've ever even considered doing, you know? I wish I had spent more of my life thinking about this stuff so that I had a clear picture now.

Fall

This used to be my favorite time of year. The summers were just too hot & the winters were too cold, so Fall was just about perfect for me. Anymore, though, I have a hard time letting go of my summers. We all love to camp together, and we seem to spend more quality time working on our friendships during those warm, long days & nights. I was so sad this year after our last camping trip, knowing we'd have to wait until spring to go again. I don't hate Fall, not at all, it just isn't my favorite anymore. I still love th way the air feels & smells, and the beautiful leaves and Halloween and everything, so it's probably a very close second.

Rhi is doing well, we're waiting nervously for her court date on the first, not knowing if they're going to put her in jail or what. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 27th for disability. We're hoping that he'll give her a prescription for Zoloft while she's there, so she can get back on what seems to work really well for her.

Erin called yesterday morning. He had been working at a restaurant in New Orleans, near a place that sold wholesale water filters, but that didn't work out for him. He has another new girlfriend & was in Houston. They were heading to Lubbock & then west in the hopes of making it here by the holidays. He got everything he owned (pretty much) stolen in New Orleans, so he's hurting for stuff again. It makes me so mad when that happens, he had so little to begin with, you know?

Exciting News

Erin called Troy a couple of times after he talked to me, just to make sure his dad was okay & all. He mentioned that while he's working on the oil spill he wants to save enough money to pay his fines & if he can't do that, he's wanting to come home & just turn himself in, so he can do his time & get it over with. He wants to go to college to try to be a vet tech, or just find a job or something & try to start figuring his life out. He told Troy, "I'm 22 now, I need to do something with my life." I'm so excited that he may be coming home for good, I've missed him so much, I know we all have.

I'll lose the best fat burners I've ever experienced, which has been the stress & worry about him, but trust me, I'll find something else. It'll be so worth it! I know Rhi will be ecstatic to find this out, she has missed having her big brother around to talk to. I think it'll be good for her to have someone like him to talk to.

Well, time to get the car loaded for our trip tomorrow.

I Love Momopathy

Erin called me this morning, he said he'd been feeling like he needed to for a couple of days. I love when I'm able to broadcast the "call home" signal to him & he picks it up, no matter where he is. He sounds great, he was sober & sounded like he was happy & well. Apparently, Bella messed her tail up when she was hit by that car last month, so she had to have a minor amputation & go on antibiotics, but he says she's doing great now.

He's in Florida right now & headed for New Orleans to see if he can get on with the oil spill clean up & earn enough money to come home & pay his fines. He's been talking about just coming home & doing his time so that he doesn't feel like a fugitive every time he is here. He'd like to be able to come whenever he likes & have a home base, but still have the freedom to be out & about with his friends, without the fear of being picked up & put in jail.

I, never in a million years, would have imagined my life like this. I thought I'd be giving my daughter or daughter-in-law advice on how to increase breast milk production and my sons advice on how to be good dads & fathers at this point in my life. Instead, I give a son & daughter advice on jail & facing up to their actions & try to advise the other one about arguing in public & dragging the whole world into it. What a life, huh?

Missing

I'm missing Erin today. I haven't heard from him since I sent him the money to get Bella out of the pound. I hope he's okay & that all is well. I dreamed of him the other day, dreamed that he texted me (which has never happened) and said "Hey mom, it's Erin. I'm on my way home." In a way it was comforting, but also kind of scary. I don't know why the dream bothered me, but it surely did.

I think of him often. I wonder if he has a new girlfriend, how Bella is, if he's eating enough & drinking too much. I wonder if his nodular acne ever cleared up, if he still has dreads, if he'll be warm enough this fall & mostly where he is & if he's safe. Thankfully, most of you have no idea what it's like to never know where one of your kids is & if they're alive. I wish I didn't know what it's like, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. I try to convince myself, daily, that he is okay & that he'll continue to be okay, but I have days, like today, when I miss him & it's very, very hard. Hopefully, he'll call me soon.

Good Morning, World!

I slept pretty good last night, and probably would have even managed to sleep in if Rhi hadn't texted at 7:30 to make sure the front door was unlocked. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but it just wasn't going to happen, especially since I woke Tiny up & she wanted out, then back in, then out again. Crazy dog. I feel like I probably got enough sleep, but I got spoiled by being able to sleep as late as I like on most days.

I'm working on making t-shirts for me & my friends, and hope to get at least two done today, so that I only have two more to finish tomorrow. I have one ready to go, as far as the stencil being cut out & ready to iron on & it won't take me more than an hour to cut out another. I may just work on getting the other stencils done today, so I can do the shirts one after another. I like the painting part, I'm just not crazy about the stencil cutting, it's tiring & can be very frustrating.

I was thinking about my skin last night, as I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep & I wonder if the anti aging product I've been using to wash my face is playing a role in the acne, since it's the only thing I've really changed about that routine. I make sure I wash my face twice a day, once in the shower & then before bed, so I'm not leaving make up on overnight or anything. Maybe I'll try switching back to my old stuff & see if that helps at all.

Dry Skin

I've noticed that my skin has really been dry over the past few months, which is really unusual for me, especially in the summer. I've been making sure I use lotion after I get out of the shower & my face moisturizers twice a day (daytime & night time), but so far, all that's happening is me needing to use more lotion & getting acne. I can't seem to win.

My hair is all dried out from over-bleaching it, too, so I look like a hot mess these days, I'm sure. Oh well, can't be a beauty queen all the time, right? Not that I ever am, but you get what I'm trying to say. I take care of myself, I wear makeup, I shower, I dress nicely, so I'm doing what I can to look my best, I can't do anything else.

I'm pretty, freaking tired of this cold I have, though. I'd love to just feel normal again & not either be congested or running like a faucet. I'd love it if my head & throat weren't killing me & I could stop running a low-grade fever. It doesn't look good for me for the winter, if I'm already getting sick.

Lazy & Sick

I've been slacking ever since I caught this cold, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't automatically turn to comfort food the minute I start feeling poorly. So, I'm sick, feeling like crap & eating crap, which makes me feel worse & probably slows down my recovery time, too. Way to go, Dyane. I'll have to start my running where I left off last week instead of moving forward, since it's been a week or so since I even bothered with it. I hate when I do that to myself, so maybe I'll make it to the gym tomorrow.

I need to go to St. George & look at getting some shoes to run in. I've thought about some Nike Shox, because I know that brand fits me & is comfortable, which is hard to find when you have orthopedic issues like I do. I think I'll probably try on several styles and brands before I make a final decision, since shoes aren't cheap & I want a pair that feels great & will work for what I need it to.

Anyway, I need to take the trash out (after I bring the can in from the street), take some cold medicine & probably do some other stuff, too. I can't sit around on my computer much these days, I get too bored.

Summer is Winding Down

It's almost Mabon, which means that summer will be gone, autumn begun & we can start looking for snow. Yay. Not. I have to honestly say that I'm not a fan of the winter months, especially since we seem to have an extremely long season here. Oh well, I'll spend my time thinking about spring & summer & planning out camping trips & that'll hopefully keep me from losing my mind.

I worry about Erin out there when it gets cold, like I did last year. His poor dog doesn't care for the cold, at all, and she doesn't have much choice in the matter. He's never been crazy about it, either, which is one thing that kind of surprises me about his lifestyle. He was the one who never wanted to be outside, because the weather was always either too hot or too cold, now he's rarely inside, unless they get lucky & score a companion that can swing a fort lauderdale car rental for awhile or has a house they can stay in. You'd be surprised at the places he stays & the number of people he knows that either have cars or can rent them. He actually starts getting too antsy when he's staying in a house for too long these days, though.

Anyway, I have a lot to do still today before our friends get here & it's not getting done while I update my blogs, so I'd better go.

Tired, but Busy

I'm really pretty much emotionally wrung out this week. Things have been somewhat chaotic around here & while it's better than it was, I'm still recovering from it all, so I feel exhausted all the time. I have managed to keep busy through it all, by getting some sewing done, setting my altar up & making sure the house is clean & dinners are cooked. I made it to the gym today with Dawn & ran 1 3/4 miles & walk 3/4. Tomorrow, I'll do it again & work on some weight training, too. This evening, we plan to take a walk & take advantage of the still-warm weather while we can. That should put me in pretty good shape for my weigh-in tomorrow morning, I'm really hoping to break this plateau & be out of the 220s for the first time, since I've been stuck here since January & I'm really frustrated over it.

We never did get started on any of our planned rv repairs yet, but hopefully we can at least sit down & figure out what needs to be done & get a list made. I know that a lot of people in my life probably think I have no interest in getting it done now, but I really do & would love to have it & be able to use it.

I'm frustrated with a lot of things at the moment, the biggest being my parents. We have things going on that they ought to be talking to me about, but they act as if everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie, so they will only talk to Troy. I get that they don't agree with a decision he & I made recently, I'm sure they don't even understand that we made it together, they think it was all me & I'm a terrible person who is hurting Troy & being selfish & mean. Whatever, that's fine.. but I'm their daughter, I need them, I need to know they still love me, but right now, I really don't. That hurts me a lot. I guess I need to at least talk to my mom about it & I will, but I'm not strong enough to right now.

Wow. Really?

It's already September? How did that happen? Where did the long, carefree days of summer drift off to? I know we had a pretty terrific time, we went camping a lot, hung out with friends and a lot of things in our lives changed. Some were pretty drastic, some had been a long time in coming & one took us by complete surprise. Things are going to be strange in our home for awhile, but we'll adjust & adapt, we're very good at that.

I'm dreading winter & the cold. My bedroom is pretty much frigid in the winter, and I'm never warm. I realize a lot of that is the weight I've lost & I'm okay with that, but I work in my room & have arthritis in my hands, so it's very painful to type. I may have to move my laptop out to the living room when I'm doing anything, just for the winter.

Here in the high desert, the weather has already started to cool down, the grass is trying to go dormant & the leaves will change soon. People are putting their above ground pools away & winterizing their in-ground pools, packing up patio furniture & getting their yards ready for the cold months. We have a very short summer here & fall & spring vary so much between warm & cold that they mostly feel like winter, too. I love living here, it's a beautiful, spiritual place, but I could use a longer summer.

We have one, final camping trip scheduled, but not on the mountain. We'll go to a different lake, where it stays warm longer & celebrate Troy & Morgan's birthdays & have a fun weekend together, saying goodbye to summer.

Stuff

I neglected to mention that Erin's dog, Bella, ended up being fine. He called me a couple of days ago to tell me that she had just finished her medicine & was walking around, although not liking it much yet. He said she was still in a lot of pain, but thankfully, they've been in a car for awhile, so no hitch-hiking or hopping trains. That will give her a better chance of a full recovery. He had such agony in his voice when he called me to tell me she had been hit, I hope to never hear him so miserable again.

Rhi has been having a pretty terrible time lately, breaking up & making up with her boyfriend. I swear, he's killing off all of the really great parts of her personality & turning her into a blank slate so her can program her into whatever he wants in a partner & that really pisses me off. She's already a really awesome person & in my opinion, it's his loss if he can't see that. I hope they're done for good this time & she can move on & find that person inside again.

I've also been trying to plan for the cold, winter months, since this house gets so cold, especially this bedroom. I know I'm going to cover all of the windows in plastic & get an electric blanket for the bed, but I'm not sure what else I can do, without raising the bills to an unmanageable amount. My parents have these heaters that are realyl good on electricity usage, but I don't know what type they are or how much they cost, I think one would be perfect in here if we can find them. We'll also set the Hunter ceiling fans to turn the opposite direction, forcing the warm air down, which will help. I just know that I'm really not looking forward to it.

Planning for the Future

I'm in a place in my life right now, where I'm starting to make some plans regarding my future & what I want to do next, you know? I really want to go to college & try to get a career of my own (I know, weird at 44, but I do), but I haven't decided whether to go to Southern Utah University (which is in my town) or to try for one of the many online schooling options out there. I know Dawn wants to go to college, too & I'm probably going to wait until she's free to pursue that, too, before I make any final decisions.

I have no idea what in the world I'd like to major in, well, I do, but the job possibilities here are just about zero. I'd love to become a forensic pathologist (and have always had that interest), but we have about one murder a year here & it's generally domestic. Not much challenge in that, I think our whole CSI department has 3-4 people in it. I don't want to leave here, my family is here, my friends are here, so I have to re-evaluate what else I'd like to do. It's a good thing I have a couple of years to get my poop in a group, I guess.

Sleeping Better

I'm doing a lot better than I was the last time I posted, thankfully. I've been sleeping again & able to put my mind to rest at night, too, at least on most nights anyway. There are a lot of things changing in my life right now & it's hard not to think about them, of course, but I'm not worrying & obsessing anymore, which was why I wasn't sleeping.

We've had a very sad August around here so far, though. On the first my mom's Westie, Sugar died. She'd been having a lot of problems for a few weeks & we knew it was coming, but it was sad just the same. She was a funny, sweet little dog. Yesterday morning, Erin's dog, Bella was hit by a car. Erin was a mess when he called me, I had to make him repeat himself 3-4 times before I could understand him. He was pretty sure she wasn't going to make it & if so, would be paralyzed (the vet called today & she's going to be fine), as I was processing this, my dad called to tell me their other dog, Ginger had died, as well.

We went over there today & it seemed so weird not to have them barking at us, it made me very sad. I'm really hoping that no more dogs get hurt or die this month, I'm not sure we could handle it at this point.

I guess school starts here pretty soon, I'm not sure, since we don't have kids in school anymore, but I know the stores are packed full of people shopping for school stuff & I even saw some snow boots for sale the other day, which also makes me sad, I'm so not ready for summer to be gone yet. I'm not sure I ever am anymore, though. It's been my favorite season for about 3 years now, I just love the laid back feeling & extra time we get to spend with our friends, I'll really miss it this year, I think.