Things to Think About

I never used to pay much attention to what happens on the Interstates of our country, I used to just drive on them to where ever I was going & not really think about it, much. Ever since Erin started this whole hitch-hiking thing he does, I've paid more attention, mostly because any of those things could have an affect on him & his life. I see huge scorch marks burned into the asphalt & medians, and I worry about my son & him getting caught in a vehicle fire. I see tractor-trailers broken down on the shoulder, waiting to be towed or the driver is trying to fix whatever the problem is so they don't lose time, miles & money.

People drive so carelessly, unmindful of the high speeds that they're traveling & what it would do to them if they hit someone else, they're in too much of a hurry to get down the road & can't be bothered to be careful. It's not unusual to a see a motorhome towing a car & weaving into the other lane, not really aware that they are, because honestly, some of those things are huge & they forget that & that they're towing anything behind them. We saw one towing a small U-Haul-type trailer with a car behind that once. Is that even legal? If it is, it's still crazy, can you imagine the money they spend on gas for one trip?

Anyway, I'm more aware these days, mostly, yes, because I worry about my son, but also, the road is a big part of his life now & I want to know how people live out there.

Business as Usual

Erin is.. somewhere out there, between Flint, MI & Louisville, KY. I'm not sure what he's doing or why he's going to Kentucky, but I miss him & wish he planned to be here for his birthday. I didn't get to be with Garrett for his 21st & it's looking unlikely that I'll spend Erin's with him, either. Oh well, there will be other birthdays & other summers I imagine.

Rhi is still looking for work, still getting high & still doing whatever it is that she does. We're not close, we really never have been & I'm moving towards acceptance. I know she doesn't really need me around, not as much as she needs us to pay her phone bill & give her money occasionally. Trust me, it's VERY occasionally, I usually feel more comfortable with just buying her what she needs & that doesn't happen very often anymore.

I'm feeling listless this summer, nothing is happening. My email is full of ads for things like Clinicallix, and credit cards, none of which I need, so nothing fun in there to read & my snail mail is pretty much the same, full of ads for insurance, grocery store sales & bills. TV has been pretty good, there are new episodes of True Blood, Burn Notice, Royal Pains & In Plain Sight, so at least I can watch that at night.

I look forward to be every night, that's when I can relax & read until I'm ready for sleep. I don't stay up laqte, I have to get up in the mornings & walk every week day, so I try to make sure I get enouh sleep, but this weekend, I'm staying up to read & sleeping in every morning!

Far From Home

Erin had a good time at the Rainbow Gathering, then he took off for Michigan to meet some people, so they could go somewhere else. Virginia I think, but I can't remember what for. I miss him & I worry about him, especially when he tells me he tried to hop a train & almost died, but there isn't really anything I can do except wait for the next phone call telling me where he is & that he's okay. I wish he'd figure out what he wants to do with his life & get started on that, no matter where it is, even if it's driving a tuck for the best moving companies Los Angeles has to offer, as long as he's settled & in one place, I'd be satisfied.

Rhi had a rough week at faire & in life in general. She isn't happy in the relationship she's in & neither is he, honestly, but neither of them will let go & move on. I think each of them is hoping the other will magically change & become the person they thought they were involved with. She was acting out quite a bit, she left the booth & Justin there so she could go & get high & then couldn't understand why I'd be pissed off. She stayed one other night & was a little wild that night, too, so I'm thinking I can't rely on her to stay in my booth & act like the adult she is, so I'll have to stay there myself or find someone else to.

I do wonder at times where I went wrong, but I guess I can't blame myself for all of their choices forever, they are, after all, adults.

Kittens!

I got up this morning & went out of the bedroom to find Booger all curled up with Tiny on the blanket outside the door. She kept looking up at me, so I bent down to pet her & noticed that she there were kittens in there with her! We knew she was getting close to having them, I just wasn't expecting it today. There are 5 right now & since she's sleeping, I'm pretty sure she's done. She's doing a good job & taking care of them & the other cats are very curious, but not aggressive. She isn't letting them get too close yet, of course. They're so cute & I can't wait to see them in a few days.

We've already had a busy weekend, and it's only Sunday morning. We went to Dawn's birthday party yesterday & had a ton of fun with all of our friends, before that we went & picked up the bakery donations for faire & dropped them off (for the pie-eating contest & cakewalk), went to the store to get some stuff for the party & I cooked some pulled pork. Today we're heading out to my parents' house to celebrate Father's Day, since my brother & sister-in-law had to go to a memorial last week.

Boy, I'd really love to have an iPhone. I have no use for an iPod, really, but I love the phone. when I see all of the cool iPhone accessories & applications, I get gadget envy so bad & start wishing my cell phone provider was cool enough to carry them. It's not, so I guess I'll never have one, but I can dream, can't I?

Anyway, I need to shower & start getting ready to go, I hope all of you have a great Sunday!

So Busy!

So that I've been scarce around here, faire is two weeks away & we're in the middle of the hurry-scurry right now. I've spent most of my days for over a week, back in the bedroom either packaging & pricing things or making entirely new products as i get more ideas & more excited. I wish I had some nice displays now, even cardboard displays would do at this point, but that'll have to wait until next year, I'm pretty much out of time for that this time around.

Erin made it to the Rainbow Gathering & is having a lot of fun, working hard & getting the camp ready for the thousands who will converge on it next week. We have friends who may be going to the Gathering, so he might get a chance to see them while they're all there. I'm happy that he's doing what he loves & having a good time, although I am afraid that he'll be going to jail when he gets home. I just wish we could all get passed that stuff & be able to move on.

Rhi moved to St. George this week & then back to Cedar City the next day. I guess the living conditions where she moved were pretty bad & she really missed being near everyone that she loves. I'm supposed to be taking her out today to look for a job, i'm really hoping she'll find something this time.

That's about it, things are busy, but not much really changes.

Stuff

Erin called me this morning, he made it to Pueblo last night & is safely with Garrett. That feels so strange to me, to know both of my boys are in that city, together again & I'm not. Erin's never been in Pueblo without me there before. I hope they're having a terrific time together, I know that Garrett has wanted him to come out & visit for a long time, so hopefully they'll make the best of their time together.

Rhi didn't make it to her test yesterday, but she did go talk to her recruiter & asked him for help with the math & he gave her a packet to practice on & directed her the online practice tests, then rescheduled her test for a week down the road, promising her a practice test before the real thing, so that she could keep trying if she doesn't get it figured out by then. That all made her feel a lot better about it.

I got a chuckle today at the store with Dawn. Two very thing, teenage girls were standing around in the diet aids section, discussing which one was the most effective diet pill, get this, not because either of them thought they needed it, but so they'd know after they got older & had kids. I laughed to myself at the notions kids have, and the idea that everything would be exactly the same as far as products go by that point in their lives & they think they'll be so fat after childbirth that they'll have to do something about it. I wasn't really overweight by more than a few poiunds until Rhi was 5 or so, so it definitely wasn't being pregnant that did it. I was relieved that they weren't worrying about it right now, since they were both skinny, it just struck me as funny.

A Resolution of Sorts

We're moving slowly past the whole mess of last week. While it didn't exactly go in our favor & we are now more in debt, at least we didn't lose any more money than we did. Our credit union let us take out a signature loan for the amount of the money orders, so that we could pay the money back to them. It ended up coming out of our savings account, which was a relief, as they started hitting on Troy's payday & we would have lost his check & not been able to take care of our living expenses if it had come out of that account.

I did have a few days last week that I wasn't able to eat, which I guess, in the long run, won't hurt, but over an extended period isn't good for weight loss nor is it healthy. I've been losing nicely & walking every day, so keeping track of what I eat & making sure it's the right amount has been important to me. I was asked the other day if I was taking something like Lipovox, but I'm not, just being active & watching what I eat. I'm just hoping the stress is done for now.

Erin is gone. He left for Colorado the day before yesterday & plans to visit with Garrett for a bit before he heads down to New Mexico for the next few weeks. I hope he stays safe & has a good time, I always worry about him when he goes on his little adventures, but I know it won't help anything or make him any safer.

Rhi is trying to join the National Guard, but is very nervous about taking the ASVAB today, so who knows if she'll follow through or not. I hope she does, she needs a little hope in her life right now & being able to sign up would do that for her. She'd have insurance during basic & AIT at any rate, and be earning money & taking care of herself for the most part. I just hope she doesn't let fear control her this time.

So, that's about all that's going on right now, as far as the kids.

Stress Overload

There are just things that happen in our lives that we would never have foreseen, you know? I thought we were pretty up on the latest scams & good at listening to our guts when we encounter a job or something else, but I'm telling you, I had an epic fail this week. An expensive epic fail.

I mentioned last week that Rhi had a job, well, it sounded 100% legitimate when she approached me with it, she sent me the email, I read it, no alarms went off in my head. She was being hired to be a "mystery shopper." She did her first job, which consisted of her cashing 3 moneygram money orders, taking her commission out of the money & then wiring the rest to another mystery shopper, who's address they provided. She was supposed to review the whole experience, from how long it took, to what the customer service was like. It sounded legit. She has no bank account, so I had to use mine to cash them.

She got an identical job this week, but the money orders were larger. The alarms instantly started going off, for all of us, then later yesterday, we found out that the money orders were counterfeit & that we're now liable for over 2k. As most of you know, if you've been reading here for very long, money isn't at a surplus for us, and that most of the time, we struggle just to get everything paid.

Now I worry that we'll end up losing everything over this, that we won't be able to pay the rent or the bills. The stress is killing us. We're trying to borrow the money from my inlaws, but haven't heard anything. If they can't loan it to us, we're hoping the bank will help us. This is just not how I wanted to spent the next few weeks, worrying, getting sick & stressing out. I'm so sad now.

Mellow Times

Things with the kids seem to have mellowed out considerably since the last time I posted. Erin is still rarely here, but I've stopped worrying so much & realized that he leaves me visual clues to tell me that he's here. If he comes home at night, he hangs his hoodie on the hooks by the door, or leaves his shoes where I can see them the next morning. He really does hate to worry me & tries to go out of his way to make sure I don't & I truly appreciate that.

Rhi is out of meds as of today, but she's finally working & gets paid by the job. She has another job tomorrow & should be able to pay for her prescriptions on her own. She, too, was trying to help me not worry about her well-being. She can do it as long asthat's the first thing she does after getting paid. She can do really well with this job if she saves her money & doesn't blow it all, her commission is quite nice, especially in light of the fact that she does very little actual work as far as time spent goes. She got to go up to Salt Lake City this past week for a couple of days with her best friend, Caela & they had a ball! She got to go ice skating & shopping, out to eat and all of that fun stuff. She bought a paid of neon yellow & black plaid pants that she loves & even put bright colors in her hair again. I did have to go pick her up last night from the movies, they went to see "Drag me to Hell," and it was just too much for her. I didn't mind & no one should have to sit through a movie they aren't enjoying.

We have a friend (of sorts) who's pregnant. She's currently living with her husband on his truck (he's a truck-driver) because she & his ex-wife got into an argument & she isn't allowed in the house anymore. Apparently, he goes inside & just leaves his wife out in the truck, which I don't agree with, but it isn't really my business. I guess they're moving back to the Carolinas soon, I'm not sure if they'll be looking for Wilmington NC real estate or something similar or going back to South Carolina where her parents are, but I wish them the best of luck, moving out here wasn't the best choice for their marriage, honestly.

Worry

I can tell that it's summer around here, I haven't really seen Erin for two days & until I got up this morning & noticed his jacket was gone I was worried that something had happened to him. I hate to think the worst of him, you know, but sometimes when we haven't heard from him, I start to worry that he's dead in his room, and while that fear acts like the best appetite suppressant on the market, it's just not healthy for me to have to think that way. I'm just hoping, that since he's started to talk about wanting to go to college, that he'll start to find himself & get back on track. He's a great person, I just wish he could see that. He gets bored so easily & as soon as that happens he's game to try & do almost anything to end the boredom & that really scares me.

Rhi is being pretty quiet these days, too. I'm not sure if it's because she's still mad at us, or if she's up to things she doesn't want us to know about or if she's depressed again. Any of those things could very well be true, as she acts the same way in each of those cases, it could be a combination of them, too. I know she's out of her meds, unless someone else paid for them for her, so I worry about that, too.

It feels like it's going to be anothe summer of stress & worry about my kids. I hope it won't be & they get their stuff together & start to meet their potential. I only want them to be happy & successful in whatever they choose to be & do. I don't push them, I don't pry into their lives, but at the same time, I don't want them to fail at life, either. So, I guess we'll see what the coming months have to offer for all of us.

Realistic or Just Cynical

The last time I posted on a Monday, I talked about how becoming a parent changed who I was forever, which is very true. There are times when I wonder if the change was for the better, though. Until a few years ago, in my mind anything my kids did was because they were still growing, maturing & learning & they didn't mean the things they said or what they did.

I no longer believe that.

Over the past two or three years I've come to accept that whatever my daughter says to me, no matter how much she apologizes later, is the truth as she sees it & that she definitely means it. She can put it down to having a bad day or forgetting to take her meds, but I know that she does hate me & everything to do with me. I know that no matter what I do or say to try to change that, I can't. I also know that after the past weekend, I won't be giving her anymore birthday parties or inviting her to go away with us anywhere.

I'm not sure if this latest change makes me a realist or just cynical, but it sure has helped me deal with my own guilt that our relationship is perfect, or even, most of the time, comfortable. Currently I don't trust her at all & that's really sad to say about your own child, but it's so true.

Manic Monday

Play along!

If you could completely redecorate any room in your house at no expense to you, what room would you choose? The kitchen, without a doubt.I hate that room more than any other in this place.

Which hour of the day do you feel goes the slowest? The one right before whatever time it is that we're leaving to go somewhere.

If your birthday could be in a different month of the year, when would you have it? Sometime in the late spring or early summer, so I could have an outside party or something. I hate it being in January.

Camping Time!

Vacations with your kids don't have to be expensive to be memorable to them. You don't have to take them to the latest & greatest them park, or a resort with 5 swimming pools or even travel very far at all. You can look for mid-week deals on hotels that are fairly close by & take a few mini-vacations during the summer, you can go camping at a nearby campground or take a few day trips to museums & attractions that are in towns close to you.

We haven't had very many "real vacations" during the past 18 years, or at least what a lot of people would call real vacations, our kids have never been to Disneyland, Universal Studios or even summer camp or any type, but we have had a lot of camping trips with them, we took a 3 or 4-day trip to Las Vegas & paid mid-week rates (Las Vegas in a 2 1/2 hour drive for us) on our room. They don't feel like they missed anything by taking simple vacations, and neither do I, since they were the same type I grew up on.

Even now that our kids are grown, we still look forward to the warm months & camping season, and often look for occasions to celebrate as an excuse to take off for the weekend. We just got back from a camping trip to celebrate Rhi's 19th birthday (which is a whole other story on it's own) and have already started planning the next trip, which will, hopefully be a lot less drama filled.

So, instead of going into debt to give your kids the "vacation of a lifetime," why not plan a weekend camping trip to celebrate their soccer trophies instead? It will be just as memorable to them, cost you less money & you'll actually get to spend more quality time together as a family. Yes, it's dirty & a lot more messy than other options, but honestly, that what showers are for.

Unconcious Mutterings

Play along!

1. Vex :: Irk
   
2. Relapse :: Backslide
   
3. Twinkle :: Star
   
4. Crawls :: Baby
   
5. Optimistic moment :: Aha!
   
6. Cage :: Fight
   
7. Superwoman :: Batgirl
   
8. Personal :: Private
   
9. Vapor :: Vicks
   
10. Grocery store :: Pay day
    

Wow.

That was a much longer break than I had intended. I got all of my computer issues situated finally, I think. *knocks on wood* Now I can concentrate on blogging & getting ready for summer & faire.

There isn't a lot going on with the kids right now, Erin isn't around much, but that's becoming fairly normal. He went camping last week with a family from the tribe & said he had a great time, which is always good. He got a notice in the mail the other day saying that his drivers' license had been suspended indefinitely due to his minor consumption conviction (he doesn't even have a DL), which amused all of us a little bit. He goes to court again a week from today for an arraignment, and I'm hoping this will be the last series of court dates he's dealing with, although I seriously doubt it.

Rhi had two interviews yesterday & felt pretty good about both of them, so hopefully, she'll get one of the jobs. She really needs something so she can pay for her medication & start saving to get out on her own again. She's having a dilemma in her love life right now, where she isn't sure she wants to stay with the guy she's with or start something new with a guy she has a crush on. I have my own opinions on the situation, but won't say, since it isn't my life or my heart, but I hope she figures it out pretty soon & stops tormenting herself.

We're taking Rhi, her best friend & her boyfriend camping this weekend to celebrate her birthday (which was the 7th), Dawn, Jason & her kids are coming with us, so it should be a pretty fun time. I intend to take my books & just enjoy myself & relax for awhile.

There is another huge thing going on in my life right now, but I'll keep it to mysef until we can actually get it going & it gets approved, before I risk the opinion of the world at large. Let's just say that my life will change entirely if it all works out.

Friday.. Funday?

It probably won't be all that fun, honestly. It's grocery shopping day, which always wears me out, especially since I just went with Dawn last night to help her take care of her own.

I finally got Rhi's birthday gift ordered - a day after her birthday. That's okay, she knew it was going to be late & actually knows what it is, so it's no big surprise or anything. We're taking her camping next weekend for her "party," and that's kind of part of her gift, too.

Erin is camping this weekend with some people that we know, although it beats me as to why they invited him. It's not like they spend time with him or anything, or have even seem him for months, but whatever.

The furkids are all well, Tiny is still excited to get outside every day & "guard the neighborhood." She won't let me do anything else until I take her out. The cats go crazy for the first 2 hours I'm out here & then they sleep for most of the day, it's pretty funny to watch.

Anyway, I need to wake Troy & get groceries.

Wow.

Yesterday completely went to waste. I tried to print some things, the printer wasn't working on my computer & Troy spent the rest of the day trying to fix it. I decided a few days ago that I was going to do all of my typing on my desktop, because my laptop's stupid touchpad is too sensitive & makes workig on it impossible, so no typing at all yesterday.

So, anyway, here I am, back on Tuesday. We're still trying to figure out a way to pay for Rhi's meds, since she turns 19 in two days & has no insurance. I went through all of major drugstore's web sites today, lookig at their $4 drugs, and the dosage she takes of fluoextine (generic for Prozac) isn't listed anywhere, the generic for her Depakote isn't on anyone's list & apparently Walgreens discoutinued their $4 plan & opted for one you have to pay for.

So we still have no idea what to do about it. I'm not going to worry about her birth control, I don't feel like that should be my responsibility anymore, as much as I love her & don't think she should have children, it should be her job to make sure it doesn't happen, not mine.

Erin goes to court in a couple of weeks & we'll see what happens then. I'm sure it'll just be him pleading not guilty & asking for a lawyer, I can't see anything else happening. I honestly wishe he'd just stay out of trouble before he ends up in jail.

Ten on Tuesday

Play Along!

10 Awesome Bands!

1. Tiger Army
2. Social Distortion
3. Flogging Molly
4. Dropkick Murphys
5. Green Day
6. Rancid
7. Unwritten Law
8. Goo Goo Dolls
9. Smashmouth
10. Bouncing Souls

Wrapping it Up

It seemed like a tough week around here, it was probably just two or three days that were tough, though. I honestly think any week where I end it sick is a bad one.

Let's see.. aside from his scare earlier in the week, Erin had a pretty good one. He got to spent a lot of time with his friends, which doesn't happen often. A couple of his friends got an apartment, so he was able to spend time helping them move & hanging out over there. He still hasn't found a job & hasn't really decided what he's doing this summer, but that typical for him. He kind of takes life as it comes.

Rhi has had a bad week. She ran out of her meds on Monday, but I forgot about it until the pharmacy was closed. By the time she got her meds she was closing in on 24 hours without them & then she forgot to take them when she got home. She's okay for a little while without the Prozac, but you know it as soon as the Depakote wears off, and it's all screaming, cursing & hate. She was still out of it the next evening, or she was trying to show me what life will be like after this prescription runs out & I'm not paying for them anymore. She's going to be even angrier with me when she finds out that I don't think her birth control pills are a matter of life & death & refuse to pay for them, too.

That's about it, she's still trying to find a job, beut I think she's blowing off voc rehab & school, so who knows. It's not my place to ask & if I do, it'll just start another fight.

Saturday 9: Settling the Score

Play along!

1. Do you feel that you have “a score to settle” with anyone? Probably one person. I'm usually pretty laid back & just let things roll off my back, but I think there's one.

2. Do you own anything that you think is unbreakable? No, I think just about anything can be broken eventually.

3. Tell us about a crazy thing you did in high school. I did a lot of crazy things in high school. I got drunk with some friends once & almost slid down the dikes & into the Arkansas river, that was pretty crazy.. and scary.

4. Name the one talent of yours that you think is the best. I'm pretty good at making my ideas into reality.

5. Who wins American Idol? (if you don’t watch, tell us about a reality show that you do follow.) I haven't been watching, probably Adam, he'll get the estrogen vote.

6. What is your favorite movie in black & white? The Maltese Falcon

7. What is one thing advertised too much on TV? Male-Enhancement products.

8. What is your current favorite TV drama? Dexter, Southland or In Plain Sight

9. What is your current favorite TV comedy? Californication