Brrrrr!

Winter came back with a vengeance today. We had a nice couple of weeks there, where it was warm enough to be outside without a jacket on as long as the sun was up. I kind of got a bit spoiled by it all, I think. It snowed a bit today & has been cold since I got out of bed. I really just want to put my PJs on & climb in bed, reading until I fall asleep. I haven't had enough sleep in a few days and I'm starting to feel it.

Our son came home on Wednesday morning, being forced to leave without much notice by his fiancee on Tuesday morning. By Friday morning, she had broken up with him, after promising to give their relationship a lot of thinking. It seems that 3 days was plenty. He was devastated, and had really counted on being given a chance to change the way he was treating her & living his life. He didn't let the break up change his determination to stay sober & continue to work his program. He knows he has to move past these issues in his life or he'll never have a partner that he can love forever & he really does want that.

So, we're in the process of him trying to figure out what comes next & hoping his friend can help him get a job, so that he can pay his fines, do his probation & not worry about jail so much anymore. Then maybe he can go to school and start to get the rest of his life together. So far, though, things are going well. He's making it to at least 2 meetings a day and doing well when he makes contact with people he used to party with. I'm pretty proud of him.

A New Year, Already?

Wow. The last week of December really seemed to just drag, and then, all at once, it's January 4th and time to start thinking about taxes and all of that again. I love being able to file my taxes online & use things like TurboTax, but sometimes the questions stress me out because I don't understand what they mean, like "did you receive an ach check from any source this past year?" and I'm sitting there thinking, "I don't even know what one is, how do I know if I got one?" I know that's not an actual question they ask, but I'm not in the middle of doing mine right now & can't put a real one just off hand.

Then there's the whole turning another year older thing in two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about 46 being right over the horizon, there, it feels a little to close to 50 & all of the other really old ages to me. I'll get through it, I always do, but I have to admit, it'll be with trepidation.

So, how did you all fare over the holidays? Any drama to speak of? Good gifting? Fun parties? Beuller? Beuller?

Not so Bad

Things have gone fairly smoothly since our daughter got out of jail. Her first day out was pretty rough for all of us, she had a lot of misinformation fed to her by various people while she was in that she had to wade through. She managed to locate all of her stuff and on Monday, I went & paid for her prescriptions, took her grocery shopping & to check in with her PO. She spent awhile with us & then I took her home.

We saw her again on Yule, when we had a very nice day together. We opened gifts, had breakfast & then went shopping for the day. She handled it pretty well when I told her I'd be getting a small storage unit for her property, so that we could use her room for an office. I know she harbors dreams of coming back to live here, but it just isn't going to work for any of us that way.

I'm hoping that when we get all of our daughter's stuff out & into storage, we can have a little more room for things like ironing boards, food storage and a place for small appliances. We will if I plan everything the right way & keep on Troy to put things back where they belong.

At any rate, we had a lovely Yule, both as a family & as a Circle, although the mood was very subdued and we all seemed to run out of steam pretty early on. It was fine, we all got together and had our rites & celebration & that's all that really matters.

Bluesy

I'm feeling a little stressed out & down right now. Our daughter gets out of jail early Sunday morning (like at 2am) and I'm just not ready for it. I don't have any desire to see her or deal with the hysterics and drama she's sure to bring to my house. She won't be living here, that's for sure, but it won't change her need to force us into paying her fines and for her cell phone by any means she deems necessary.

I've already decided that she won't be allowed into the house unless both of us are here, because she knows she can get either one of us, singly, to agree to her demands with enough drama, but together, we're an unstoppable force. So, if she shows up early Sunday morning then I'll offer to take her somewhere else or to let her use my phone to call for a ride, but she won't be coming in to bother us in the middle of the night.

I'm typically about the least paranoid person you'll ever meet. I rarely, if ever, suspect people of ulterior motives, talking behind my back or plotting against me, but for the past few days I'm had this feeling of unease, like something just isn't right, that maybe something bad is just over the horizon & I don't like it. I hate this feeling. It's like I know I've forgotten something crucial, but only with added danger in the mix. So, I guess I'm putting this out there, if anything happens to me or Troy & I, I hope that the police will start with Rhiannon, because she is the only person on the planet (next to her sperm donor) that hates me enough to harm me.

I hate that I even feel like I have to say that.

Frustration

On Cyber Monday, I found a great deal on a GPS for my car - I have a huge fear of getting lost, probably from traveling with my dad, we got lost, a lot - and so we ordered it & eagerly awaited it's arrival. It came while we were out Friday & I turned it on & got everything situated, and put it in my vehicle on Saturday. We had some driving around to do that morning, and while we didn't plan an itinerary on it, Troy was pleased with it. I brought it in to activate our promotion code and update our maps & that's when the problems began. It wouldn't update the maps, it kept telling me we were out of space on the GPS, then it deleted all of the previous maps, rendering it completely useless. I followed every instruction for every problem listed on the website & finally just handed it & the phone number to Troy.

6 hours on the phone later? Lots of wasted hours, plenty of frustration and no solution but to send it to them for replacement. My we should have bought a garmin zumo 665 motorcycle gps or something like it (considering I don't have a motorcycle & all), maybe we'd have a working GPS now & not one sitting in a box, waiting until we have time to get to UPS to send it back.

I'm disappointed & don't have a lot of hope for the replacement to work very well, either, but I guess we'll see. It's supposedly a pretty good brand & model.

Doing Well

I'm been pretty level these days, no serious ups or downs, highs or lows. I've managed to keep my hormones in check, so that they don't aggravate my emotions too much. I did have a rough time the other day, while we were holiday shopping. We were just about finished, after having spent an awful lot of money & were at Costco. I didn't have a very large list, but the things on it were important to me. I was focusing on things Troy had asked me to look for & hadn't finished my list when he came back, looked in the cart, and said, "What did you add? I hope we have enough to pay for all of this!" in a fairly snotty/angry tone. I immediately felt the tears start to come & told him I was done and just wanted to leave. I put back the one item I had added & told him we needed niacin & then we could go.

It was close to 5 or 6pm and we hadn't eaten since 10 that morning, we had been having a wonderful day & I just felt so hurt & betrayed. I didn't care about anything anymore. I gave up everything else that was on my list, some of which I had really been wanting & pretty much just put myself on auto-pilot to get out of the store & back on the road. I didn't want my Yule gift anymore. I didn't even want to be in the car at that point. I wanted to be at home, in my bed, in the dark, crying my eyes out.

We did get everything settled & Troy felt horrible for two days about it all & realized he should have worded things differently or just known that I knew what I was doing. It hurt, I took it hard, but we got through it. I have far fewer incidents like this these days. I can usually see them coming & head it off pretty quickly. This came out of the blue & I didn't see it coming fast enough; normally, I'd have just looked at him, made some smart-assed reply & went on about my business.

Accepting Me

I had a really tough day yesterday. I went to court for my youngest child - I can't even say "with" because she was in jail & still is - and listened to her begging the judge to release her so that she could give her father & I the gift of her sobriety for the holidays. In my heart I knew she wouldn't be sober if she was home & that what I really wanted from her was for her to stay in jail & then enter inpatient rehab before she dies.

I came home & got to spend a little time with our granddaughters, but then my middle child called and was upset that he didn't get what he thought was enough financial aid for school (6k a semester, the school he wanted into is 7k/sem) and wanted us to apply for a loan we thought we would be denied for so he'd be awarded another 2k a semester. I refused, he got butt-hurt and went on a tirade on Facebook and too a lot of things out on me, our relatives and my friends.

I ended my evening in tears, with a headache and feeling like crap about myself, again. This whole thing did serve a purpose, because it got me to thinking that it isn't my weight that makes me feel terrible about myself. It's my attitude about myself that makes me feel that way. I started reading articles about size acceptance and health at every size and realized that I just have to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, inside and out. I am a beautiful, fat, loving, giving, smart, funny woman. I still hated myself when I had lost 100 pounds, which explains why I gained it all back.

I'm not going to be dieting anymore. I will get and stay active, going to the gym, taking walks, going hiking and camping and doing all of the things that I love. I will not engage in things that make me feel like I'm a failure, like dieting. I've been working on portion control, I eat cleanly and avoid almost all processed foods these days and that will continue, I do, after all, have Troy's health to think about (he's diabetic), too.

I plan to start buying myself clothes that I love and that are well fitting, and stop punishing myself because I'm fat. I deserve to look and feel beautiful, even if I get as large as all the furniture stores los angeles has, put together. I won't, but so what if I did? It's my business, no one else's.

I'm letting my hair grow out & when it's at a length I like, I'll have it styled into beautiful layers that make it look like it isn't baby fine and limp. Most of all, I'm going to give myself a break and start loving me the way my husband and friends do, for who I am.

Trying

I'm desperately trying not to give up on myself. I really want to be back on track with my weight loss and eating the right way. I'm so tired of feeling guilty, fat and ugly. I never felt that way when I was gung-ho about myself. This whole thing with my daughter has taken a lot out of me, I realize that. It isn't fair or even right & I'm going to get past it. I'm just ashamed of how I look, I can't find any clothes in the house that are comfortable, but look good. I thought about finding a place to get discount medical uniforms, and buying some scrubs, but I refuse to resort to that. They look great if you work at a healthcare facility, but they not for every day.

If I could just get back on track, I could look forward to wearing my own clothes again. I think I'm just going to suck it up and get started on it, as soon as all of this court crap is over with (which I hope will be done today). I'll sit down, make a plan, figure out my points for what I want to eat & just do it again until it's second nature.

Thinking About Gifts

It's that time of year again, and I can never figure out what to get for my dad for Christmas. Mom is easy, she loves jewelry and I have a credit to get her something nice with a company I mistakenly signed up with. I was thinking about getting him some of those chocolate-covered strawberries, since he loves candy and at least this way, he's getting some fruit with it, so maybe mom won't get quite so upset with him. I need to visit their site and see if there's anything I think he'd enjoy before I make a final decision.

I also don't know what to get for my brothers or their girlfriends. I'm not even sure if Craig will be coming out for Christmas, or not yet. I know they'll be here for Thanksgiving, though and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

I think I'll just get my niece a gift card, who knows what emo type thing she's into these days? I'm not going to try to figure it out.

Troy is supposed to let me know pretty soon what he wants and we're getting Erin and Alisa the game "Rocksmith" and sending his guitar to him. We were going to get Rhi a new cell phone, but she's in jail again and I'm not going to be paying her bill anymore, so she won't need a new phone, guess she'll get a shirt or something. I might just send Garrett and Keri a gift card for Target or something, I don't know what they need or want after all.

Success!

The party was a big success last night. We had all of our normal crowd, plus friends we don't get to see that often anymore. We had very little food left over (a few spring rolls & potstickers, along with chips, hummus & dip), so I made just enough. I was surprised that people scarfed up the hummus like they did, it's generally one of those foods that people either love or absolutely hate. I guess I got lucky & have the hummus loving friends.

We had ritual before the party. Afterwards, Dawn & I got everything put away & then Troy & I started cooking the dinner. Everyone else who was here (some friends came later) watched TV and waited patiently. We got everything done around the time I said it would be ready & everyone dug in.

It was really just a fun time. There were costumes, friends, food, drinks, music & a lot of laughs & good conversations.

It didn't even get terribly cold last night, which was good, since I went outside in my fortune teller costume & no coat to turn off all of decor lights out there. I was afraid I'd get too cold & start wishing I had an electric blanket, but it was fine & I slept perfectly.

Anyway, I need to get ready to run to the store really quick, so we can get the Sunday paper (for coupons), so I'd better go do that.

Excitement

Tonight is our annual Halloween party & I'm pretty excited about it - as always! I'm hoping we have a good turnout, considering the time & money I've spent on the whole thing. I'm in the middle of "carving" my pumpkins (I use quotations because I'm actually drilling holes in them), then I think I'll clean house & rest for a few minutes before I have to get busy with everything else.

On top of that, our friend & his wife are expecting twin boys, very soon. I'm waiting for the baby announcements any day now, which is pretty exciting. Between the two of them, they already have 7 kids, but these are their first together. They just got married last March and while they hadn't known each other long, they seem to be made for each other. We're all very happy for him, because he is such an amazing person. I'm very excited to meet their new babies!

Bad Times

Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the Occupy Wall Street movement & the "We are the 99%" campaign. If you haven't read any of these stories, you probably should. It gives a very clear picture of what people are going through today & shows that the people the hardest hit are not lazy, unmotivated slackers who just want a handout. They almost all, universally, just want a job & a chance to hold their heads up again. They can't pay their bills, feed their families and afford a place to live at the same time.

Troy & I are pretty comfortable, but trust me when I say that we're a paycheck away from disaster. You know that times are bad when lawyers are taking paralegal jobs & doctors are looking for Family or General Practitioner Jobs at whatever rate they can get them at, no matter what their specialty is. We live in very scary & dark times, and at the moment, all I see is everything getting a lot worse, way before it gets any better.

It sucks that the best lesson I feel like I can teach my 21 year old daughter in these times is how to survive when you're so poor you have nothing.

Ooops

Wow! I hadn't realized so much time had passed in here since I last posted! I've been spending so much time posting on another blog & prepping my outline & character sketches for NaNoWriMo that I just let it slip away from me.

We spent today at the New Harmony Apple Harvest Festival, like we do every year. We bought a jug of cider (which I have under the cabinet fermenting as we speak) and a jar of pomegranate jalapeno jelly. The rest of the time we spent visiting with friends, picking apples & pretty much just relaxing. It was a good time, and a nice way to usher in the Fall.

I've been thinking about some new altec lansing speakers for my XTerra, or at the very least, a new stereo, but we'll have to see how money is later on. We have insurance due pretty soon, along with Yule & all of that. It's not a major pressing concern anyway. Very few things feel like they are these days, I'm pretty content with our life at the moment & that's all I've really ever wanted from it. It's good to feel that way, finally!

Still Staying Busy

The month is almost over already & it went faster than your typical youtube video download. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the 26th (we actually celebrated a few days earlier, by taking a drive & having dinner out of town). I can't believe we've been together this long, I never thought of myself as someone who could stay with one person for the rest of my life.

I've been taking steps to reduce our spending, especially since buying the trailer & not wanting it to be a burden on us. I've started making my own dishwasher detergent, fabric softener & fabric odor remover & when our laundry detergent is gone, I'll make that, too. I've also been making my own "convenience" foods, like Hamburger Helper mixes. Because I keep a very well-stocked spice cabinet, that pretty much consisted of buying noodles, because I already had everything else.

All of the household products I've made so far are working really well, including the very simple fabric softener (no static - at all- not even on sheets & sleeping bags). I hate spending tons of money of things that manufacturers make us believe we HAVE to have & I'm doing my best to change our opinions about that & do better, greener things. This is another way that I know that about 95% of what comes in my house hasn't been tested on animals, and that also makes me very, very happy.

Busy Times

It's been another of those months where we seem to be super-busy, but I have no idea at what, you know? I know we went camping one night, just me, Troy & the dog. We've gone to a lot of movies, dealt with a lot of stress, made a lot of decisions regarding what we will & won't tolerate, and bought a little more furniture. There has been work, play and lazy time. I guess that really is a pretty busy month, when you lay it all out like that.

There are things I need to do this weekend, still, and haven't started yet, like cleaning the bedroom & switching out altar spaces for the cold months. I also want to get the office/dining room looking good. My mom asked me to find the best printer ink cartridges online for her, since she won't buy the printer I have & hates to pay the price for the ink at the store, but there isn't a hurry on that.

Right now, I'm recovering from our workout at the gym & getting ready to have lunch, then I'll get started on the bedroom, so I can do the altars & office later on.

Disappointed

When Troy & I decided to stay together & work things out, I had said I wanted a handfasting or vow renewal to mark the occasion, maybe this year, for our 20th anniversary. I had to face the facts that it's never really going to happen & that none of that is very important to him. It makes me very sad, I really wanted it. I've always said that "someday" we'd have a real wedding, and here we are, 20 years down the road & it's never going to happen. I know it isn't the wedding that matters, but the marriage, but you read all of the celebrity wedding news, hear about all of your friends & such getting married & go to their weddings & it hurts a bit. I'll get over it, but it's probably going to take awhile.

Reminiscing

I was just thinking back to TV shows of my youth, when if there was a meeting for work, the characters all had to be at the office, or go to another city & meet with everyone they were trying to network with. Then, someone invented conference calling & people could have big meetings, with a lot of people on the telephone. That ended the need to travel to a different office to get two or three different teams talking & brainstorming on something. We all thought that was pretty amazing, didn't we? I'm sure that more than one person sat around & tried to figure out how to use the system on a personal level, to get all of their friends on the same line to talk about their plans for the night or weekend.

Now, that all seems a thing of the past, now that we have internet conference calls, and can not only hear a group of people, but in many cases, see them, too & current TV shows & movies reflect that change, too. I wonder what the next 20 years will bring?

Really, at this point, I'm wondering if they'll invent a spray that makes my dog not afraid of thunderstorms, since it's 4:00am, I haven't been to sleep yet & the dog is under my feet, shaking & looking concerned because of the storm.

Remembering

I was sitting here trying to remember all of the dogs my parents have had, just since we've been in Utah, and I'm not sure I can. That's kind of sad, honestly. I know she had Mandy, a miniature schnauzer for awhile, and there may have been another of those, too, but I can't remember. Then there was the sweet sharpei, who had horrible problems. We searched everywhere for an affordable mange remedy for him, but one day he just wandered off & we never saw him again.

I don't know what other ones they had before Ginger & Sugar, but Ginger was my favorite of all of them. We almost adopted her ourselves, but chose Tiny's mother instead. It was like having the best of both world's when she was alive. I got to enjoy her and have Tiny, too. I was so sad when she died last summer, I guess today makes it a years since she went. That explains why they've been on my mind, at least. Sugar died on the 6th & Ginger the next day, I think. Poor pups.

Almost...

I can't believe that it's almost time for school to start. It seems like the little hellions just got out a couple of weeks ago. In a way, I'm happy, because, at the very least, the stores will be less crowded & chaotic. In another way, it makes me sad, because I know that camping is almost done for another year. We didn't get to camp nearly enough this summer, between money problems, peoples busy schedules & Dawn's work schedule, now I kind of feel ripped off.

I'm thankful that none of my kids are in school anymore, that stuff gets expensive. I know I'd be hitting up discount school supply coupons at dropdowndeals, for sure, though. Between clothes & school fees, we always had very little left over to get actual supplies & every little bit seemed to help out.

I am hoping we'll be able to get a couple more camping trips in in September, before the weather gets too cold, I'm just not ready to give up on it, yet.

Getting Ready

We're just about ready, as far as having bought everything we need to for the trailer. We're going camping in it for the first time next week & I'm excited & nervous all at the same time. Troy is worried about towing it up the mountain, and I'm nervous about him towing it after working all night. I know that everything will be fine, our friends wouldn't steer us wrong on it & chance us getting hurt in an accident, we just need to get through this first trip.

I managed to shop pretty carefully for the things we need, but I plan to shop a lot more online in the coming months, making sure I get the latest working coupons for whatever company I'm using to finish with the rest of what we'll need for it. It's been kind of like outfitting a second house, honestly, since we've needed a lot of the same things we'd need if we were starting out again. It was fun, because you don't have to stick with what you would in your actual home & can get a little more wild with it. I would love to put up some fun pictures or posters in there eventually, too, just to give it some more personality.

At any rate, we need to go get our propane tanks filled today or tomorrow so that everything is ready to go next week.