The Bad with the Good

I found out yesterday that our daughter is marrying this man she's living with, within the next couple of weeks.  Her reasoning? Her probation officer told her she couldn't live there - that the home doesn't meet their requirements for one reason or another (I could name a few - weapons, alcohol & do on). So, I guess if they're married he can't say anything, at least in her mind. I'm thinking they'll still have to get rid of the weapons & alcohol. I know she believes that she's in love with him. She always does, no matter who she's involved with. She claims that she's wanted to be with him for 3 years - funny, she was with one guy she claimed to love then & stepping out with another one that she claimed was her soul-mate & the only man she'd ever love back then. So.. while I'm sure he's buying into it, I lived with her then, I know who she was all about 3 years ago. We aren't going (I wasn't invited, nor was her brother), she did ask my husband if he'd  do the ceremony and he didn't tell her he wouldn't. I kind of threw a fit & forbade it, being that it not only puts him in a bad position, but it indicates a tacit approval of the way she's living, so he will be telling her he won't perform it. I know it seems like a shitty thing for me to do, but he didn't want to do it in the first place. He never feels great about marrying couples he feels like are getting married for the wrong reasons, and then to have all of this trauma & drama connected to her, he doesn't need the guilt.

The good? Today is our son's 1 year clean & sober date. A year ago, in the early hours of the morning, I picked him up from the bus stop, in the next city south of us. We spent that 45 minute drive home doing a lot of talking. He did a lot of confessing & there were a lot of tears. We dropped my daughter off at her home & we spent a few hours talking, crying and trying to make sense of the craziness he had lived over the years. We both slept awhile, then started the day with some more of the same. There were months where all it seemed we did was talk & cry, but those times grew less & less and the happy times started to fill their place. There were days of triumph & days of sadness for him, but in the end he is a much stronger, happier - content man & we are very proud of him.

Our daughter tells us AA doesn't work. Our son (and my husband) show us every day that it does, as long as you work the program.

Just Put it on an Endless Loop

Yep. She's in jail again. We were told that she "was doing really well" and so on by one of the people she was living with (I should say that my husband was told that - no one tells me anything about her anymore), but how much credence can you give a person who wasn't, for years, aware of what was going on in his own home, with his own children? How can we believe he knows anything about how well our daughter is doing when she can fool anyone into believing she's sober (and if that doesn't work, she turns on the tears) that doesn't know how manipulative she is?

She was arrested by her PO this time, so we're assuming that he was making a home visit & found her drunk. I don't really know, it's been almost a month since she demanded that I remove myself from her life, and like I said, no one tells me anything about her. I'm not upset by this, not at all. The further I can stay from her drama, the better I am, but I am amused that her "roommates" seem to think we have no idea that she's in jail. Come on. The only time I don't checking the bookings for our county jail on a daily basis is when she's already IN jail. Why? So I know when to expect the postcards begging us to come & visit.. begging us to put money on her book & begging me to write to her. I'm sure those will start in the next few days, and this time, I'll stick with my plan to not cave in to her.

At any rate, it's the end of yet another painful year, one that I don't even have the energy to reminisce about for once. Goodbye 2012 & good riddance!

The Update

So. Our daughter spent 3 months in jail, with a good portion of that time being time we either weren't communicating with her at all, or were only writing to her a couple of times a week or so. She had court early in August, and was being sent to a local rehab facility, and begged the judge to let her come home for the night so she could make it to a doctor appointment the next morning. The judge refused & told her he'd let her out the following morning & that she had to be in my presence at all times.

I went & got her, ready to take her to the doctor & it turned out she had been lying to him, and there was no appointment. I'm not sure what she thought she'd get out of getting out for the night or how stupid she thought we'd be to let her out of the house, but whatever. I dropped her off at rehab that afternoon & attended family group therapy as often as they had it & did everything I could do to be a strong, supportive force in her life.

She was there for about 3 more months & then convinced her counselor that she was too distracted with homesickness to make any progress, and so, they put her into intensive outpatient treatment, we made an agreement with her, she signed a contract & came home.

The agreement we made included telling her when she was engaging in her old behaviors, acting depressed, lying and so on.. if she refused to go to her counselor and seek help then we agreed to kick her out. We also bought a breathalyzer. As a part of IOP, she was to attend 3 group sessions a week, go to two AA meetings a week and submit to urine testing whenever her color came up.

She did what she was supposed to. Kind of. She cleaned house a little. Slept a lot. Spent a lot of time chatting with men on the computer. Bugged me about a phone (which we did get for her) and went to her sessions & tested and breathed and all of that. The first day there were problems, she woke me up very early, saying she had a relapse dream. I talked to her for awhile, she went back out into the living room & a bit later she was on the phone with her sponsor, then we both went back to sleep. I let her leave the house later & she went to my best friend's daughter's home When I picked her up, I asked to smell her breath, because she smelled strange. As soon as I mentioned that, she said she drank a bottle of hairspray. After we dropped Morgan & her boyfriend off again, she admitted that she had also drank a bottle of body spray (she had lied a few minutes earlier about it & said she dumped it out) after she talked to me that morning.

As a family, we did what we thought we needed to, our son even came home early to be there for her & help talk her through all of this. We restarted and hoped for the best.

After her phone got here, things started getting bad. She was going on Craigslist & talking to old contacts, promising sex for drugs and who knows what else. I didn't know about some of it early on, although I did catch her exchanging pictures with a stranger and called her on it. Of course, she lied about it, she always does. She started bitching about not having a room, her computer, any privacy and no freedom about this time. I settled that by telling her she hadn't earned most of those things yet (and a room of her own was going to be tight anyway, we live in a very small 2 bedroom).

We had been allowing her ex-room mate to come by & visit her, and then one day, she asked if she could go over there. I didn't feel right about it, but my son told me to let her go, but to make sure she knew I'd be breath testing her when she got home, so we did that. She had, up to that point, been making life pretty miserable around here. She'd start fights with people, not do what she was supposed to be doing & pretty much just make us all wish we were living somewhere without her.

So, we enjoyed the time without her She came in later, with her friend in tow & happily submitted to the breath test. She blew a 0.07 & insisted she hadn't drank anything. He insisted she hadn't drank anything. I changed the batteries, tested her again. 0.06. Tested her many times, always with a positive reading. I tested Troy. I tested our son. I tested me. We all came back 0.00. Her friend left, and she texted me to tell me she had eaten 6 alcohol prep pads at about 5:30. Her excuse for lying was that she didn't want her friend to know. I pointed out that we had a zero-tolerance for lying, reminded everyone of our promise to kick her out if she lied & then I removed myself from the conversation & drama. In the end, she was allowed by Troy to stay, because she manipulated him into feeling guilty and all of that. I was ready to move out over it, because I was tired of having our lives in chaos because she wasn't ready to be sober.

The next morning, I got up & she tried acting like everything was amazing. I had already told her I didn't want to spend time with her & that I wasn't happy that she had been allowed to stay, so she was fully aware of my feelings. Before too long, she told me she was moving in with Morgan & asked me if I could drive her & her things over there. I agreed & took her over. Troy got mad at me for not taking her phone & so I told him to tell her he wanted it back & that I'd pick it up. She manipulated him into letting her keep it & I lost it. I told her that I would be there in 30 minutes to get it, that I couldn't afford to pay for it if I was getting nothing in return & there would be no arguments. I picked it up & found proof that other things had been going on, which just made me angrier.

I ended up letting Dawn have the phone & she took over the bill on it.

Fast forward to last week. Dawn & her son had been over at Morgan's house, and then came over here. Right after Dawn left to go to a training session for work, Morgan texted me & said that Rhi had just been to the ER & found out she had H1N1 & Salmonella and asked if I would take her & the baby to the doctor to take preventative measures so they didn't get sick. I did a quick search & found the only outbreaks of H1N1 in the world (one in India, the other in South America somewhere) and told Morgan that H1N1 didn't caus vomiting, that there were no outbreaks in the USA and that if she had Salmonella, then anyone who ate the same foods that she did would also be sick. You see, I learned a long time ago, that food poisoning = drunk with my daughter. She used that excuse, along with the flu, an ulcer and anything else she could think of for months before we caught on.

Of course the phone got handed over to my daughter & she started yelling at me, until I told her I'd be happy to bring the breathalyzer over so she could test & then we'd take the baby to the hospital & see what could be done to make sure she didn't get sick. Her answer as, "No. There's no point."

We had been gone, out of state, the weekend before & Troy kept getting hang up calls on his phone, from several different area codes. On Monday morning, he started getting texts from people he didn't know, alluding to "trolling on Craigslist" and so on, so I sent her a message & asked if she was using her dad's number on Craigslist & if so to remove the ads because he was tired of the texts from strangers. Well my text went to Troy's phone, so we knew then that she was still using his number for Google Voice. When she got up & saw my messages, she got instantly furious at me & started cursing at me & disrespecting me. It all ended with two texts from her, "You don't even care about me anyway. I'm not perfect (our son's name) so just leave me the FUCK alone I'm begging you." and "I don't like being abused I don't like controlling manipulative people. I don't need or want you in my life. You only hurt me. Goodbye." I pretty much just ended the conversation at that point & when it came up later on Facebook with her, I told her she needed to stop bothering me & for the most part she did.

Friday afternoon, we were at Belegarth & she showed up and immediately started talking to me like it was nothing and going out of her way to try to engage me in conversation. Even going so far as to say, "I know you're mad at me.." with me telling her what was up, and reminding her that she was the one who wanted me out of her life. Her only response was that she wants me in it now. I got very upset & grouchy & took it out on Troy & our son when we got home. I know it's because I was feeling overwhelmed & lost and would have been fine if she'd have just left me alone. I did explain that to them, because I felt terrible about it & just hoped the next day would be better.

Of course she showed up on Saturday, she was even there before we got there. She came up to me & handed me a Christmas card, and gave cards to Troy & our son, as well. I would still have been fine, if only she had stopped trying to talk to me and if I had been actually able to play & wasn't having to take a test so that I could run for office during the next reign. I was frustrated, emotional & pretty upset, so I made Troy take me home so I could finish my test & calm down awhile. Dawn followed me up here, because she was worried about me. I was actually fine as soon as I got here & away from my daughter.

So. She's out of control again, drinking and spewing hate & I'm done again. I can't keep living this way, it's too hard on me in too many ways. She can do as she pleases, but it's going to be without me in her life.

Wowzers

A lot has happened since I last posted in here & sometime tomorrow, I'll update this. Tonight, I'm tired, cold & headachey, so I'm just going to go to bed instead.

Woot.

I'm personally packed, I found deodorant, toothpaste & my traveling toothbrush out in the trailer, so everything is ready to go, at lease for me. I got some other stuff done today to get ready & we'll finish up everything but the perishables tomorrow. You can tell I'm excited, can't you?

 I had a strange request in my email today, someone had read my log, or one of my blogs & wanted a recommendation for the best carpet cleaning raleigh nc had. I live in Utah folks. I have a friend who's from North & South Carolina & another friend who was stationed in SC waiting to be deployed. I have never, personally, been there. I have no idea.

Big Decisions

My bag is packed, at least as far as clothes go, I still need to see if I have deodorant & such out in the trailer. I know Troy hasn't even thought about the clothes he's taking & I'm almost 100% sure that our son hasn't either, but that isn't my concern, thankfully.

 In past years, we would have been getting ready for our local renaissance faire this weekend & not planning for a camping trip, but we quit two years ago. I had a Pagan booth, where we sold new age goodies and we were on the board of directors, as well. There was a lot of stress and my husband & I fought a lot because of it. I have enjoyed not having to worry about garb, stocking the booth and asking for small business insurance quotes and all of that. I haven't missed the stress and the arguing.

There are things I have missed, like the camaraderie we developed with fellow board members and vendors. I have missed hanging out with the other guilds and just wandering around, providing color & having fun. A member of the board/friend came by yesterday to "pick something up," but mostly it was to talk to Troy & try to get us to come back. It's too late for us to do that this year, the camping trip not withstanding, but we are thinking about it and trying to decide what we want to do.

We both have a lot of mixed feelings about it, and have no idea what our friends are going to think or say about it, but really, in the end, it's our decision and we'll be the ones living with the ramifications.

Almost Ready

We took our son to work & then stopped by the grocery store to pick up the few items we needed to buy for the camping trip. Troy got the water tank ready to go, and we got our extra jugs filled & ready to go inside, too. All that's left is to fill the propane tanks, cool the fridge down & finish packing things out there. I'm not cooking anything too amazing this time around, like potatoes au gratin or anything, but I am baking some mixed berry zucchini bread to take for breakfasts before we leave & making Baja sauce to take with us for our chicken tacos. All I did was to look at my menu plan & move things over to the camping trip. It seems to work out better & less expensively for me, because I have most everything already. All I needed to buy was hamburger buns, lunchmeat & cheese because we had used those things up here in the house already. I bought stuff for s'mores, too, because it's not a camping trip, to me, without those things. I'm doing my laundry now, so I can get my clothes packed up soon, too. I need to go out to the trailer & see what I have in the medicine cabinet out there & what still needs to go out, but I'll take care of that tomorrow.

Finally!

We're finally going camping in a few days & honestly, I can't believe it's going to happen. I've been practically begging to go since it started getting warm, and it's almost here, at last! We're going up the mountain, to our favorite place, hopefully the spot we want is empty again, because it's really perfect for us. We're taking Dawn & her family, and at least one of the granddaughters will be there, if not both of them. We're only going for a couple of days, and it won't be anything complicated, we aren't even cooking as a group this time, since none of us could really afford to do that this time around, but it should be pretty fun, and at least we'll be getting out of town for a bit.

Pain & Insomnia

It's bad enough to have insomnia, and in my case, falling asleep is rarely a problem, at least initially. My problem is that if I'm awakened as I'm getting into a good, deep sleep I may not find it again. I might just lie there for hours trying. Other times, if I wake in the night for any reason, I can't go back to sleep. Today, it's the latter. I fell asleep wonderfully, and slept great until about 4:15 or so, I woke up from a dream that we were buying Ocean isle real estate and then I had to go to the bathroom. I came back, laid down & realized that my mouth was hurting, and pretty badly. I tried to ignore the pain & go back to sleep, but I knew it wasn't going to happen, so I go up, took some naproxen & am sitting here, hoping it starts to work pretty soon. I would need to be up in an hour & a half anyway, but man I wish I could have just slept straight through, I hate spending Saturday so sleepy.

It Never Ends

You know, I think that you just get to a point where you get tired of being pushed around, blamed and treated like garbage, whether it's in a romantic relationship, a friendship or even with your kids or other family members. I've finally reached that place with my daughter. I'm tired of being blamed for every stupid choice she's made in her life. She complains that no one writes to her, visits her or sends her money, so I do do 2 out of 3 of those things & she complains about that. I wrote her 3 or 4 emails (which cost me money to send) and sent her $25. She wrote back once, but only to complain about the amount of money I sent, the method I used and everything I had written previously. Of course a good part of that was to blame me for everything that was wrong in her life & use that as an excuse to run away to Oregon to start her life over (more likely to do whatever she please without anyone knowing). I have a terrible feeling about her moving away, but she puts it down to me not being able to accept that she's leaving. It isn't that, at all. I'm used to my kids living their own lives, trust me. I'm not one of those parents who gets in the middle of their business, I prefer to stay away from it, unless they put me there. The worst part, is that she puts me smack in the middle of her business & then gets mad that I'm there. It feels like when you hear about a great printer ink sale, get all excited & go to the store to find out that it's only hp ink cartridges & you own a different brand - disappointed & vaguely like you just can't catch a break. I'm just tired of it all. I asked her to not write me anymore & told her that I wouldn't be sending anymore money to her. I know this won't end it, but at the very least, she knows how I feel about it all.

Waiting on Rehab

Our daughter is now waiting for a bed to open up at the rehab facility she'll be going to. I don't have a lot of faith that this choice will really work for her, since she's kind of being forced into it & all. My best friend's daughter was doing great, finished her time in rehab & got out, got a job & a place to live & then when things got tough, she relapsed. I'm hoping she'll find her way back to her meetings & get back on track, and I'm hoping this path will work for our daughter, but I just can't believe in it right now. The way things feel right now, the stores will be selling christmas scrubs before we see her outside of jail or rehab again. It's sad, she's wasted 2 summers of her life so far with all of this jail/rehab/law-breaking nonsense instead of just doing what the judge told her to do & keeping her nose clean. I just don't see why it's so hard, I guess that's because I'm not an addict or an alcoholic, huh?

A Little Different

So, she's still in jail. Yes, they reset her probation again, and at this rate, she'll be on it for the rest of her life, but the judge gave her a choice between serving her 0-5 year prison sentence or going to an inpatient rehab program. She chose the rehab option, but I don't have a lot of faith in her staying sober after she gets out of it, or even finishing it, really. Nothing's going to work for her until she's really ready to accept that she does, in fact, have a problem & that it's killing her. She also has to care that it's a problem that's killing her. Right now, she's so locked into her lies & manipulation that she can't see that she's the one in the wrong. Anyway, that's the latest that I know, she'll be in jail until they transfer her to rehab.

The other day, Troy & were talking about online piracy and whether it's any different than what we've all done over the years. I know he & I used to tape songs from the radio, albums or other people's tapes. I had a boyfriend who had access to one of those Multitrack Recorders and used to take an album & make a reel-to-reel recording of it, then another one onto cassette tape. Those were amazing recordings. That way, the album could stay safe & many copies could be made of the tape, so we didn't worry about wearing them out.

Nowadays, people burn mix CDs and give them to friends and family, download mp3s from torrent sites and all of that, but is it really that different? Is it really costing artists that much more money than it used to? In my experience, the people who have always resorted to any of these activities don't have the money to buy the music (or whatever) and would be borrowing it, or having a friend copy it or something as opposed to buying it anyway, so there's no money being lost there. I guess when people who can afford it & would have bought it in teh past resort to piracy then money is lost, but I just don't see that happening that often.

The Hits Just Keep on Coming & Coming

Yes, yes they do. I did tell our daughter not to come on Saturday unless she was on her medication, sober & wearing clothing that fit her. Apparently, that was far too much for me to ask & she exploded all over me, pretty much telling me to get out of her life, but in fewer words. She was stunned when I told her not to contact me anymore and even more stunned when I didn't reply to her when she tried to.

She resorted to her old standby of threatening to kill herself, but she did it to a person that isn't related to her & didn't know she was being manipulated, all that really ended up doing for our daughter was getting her put in the hospital for the day & then, eventually jail for another probation violation. I have no doubt at all that she'll be released again & have her probation reset again and that it'll all start over again.

I'm so tired of it all, I feel like curling up on the couch with a goofy movie, some coffee & a pint of ice cream. I wonder if I can find a good dvd discount somewhere, the gods know we're too broke to rent anything other wise!

Just So Tired

There are days when I just can't take it anymore. The little drunk in the family manages to remain the center of attention by continuing to drink. She upsets me, she upsets her brother, she upsets her father. She herself? She's 10 feet tall & bulletproof. My husband is at the place where I was a year ago, blaming himself, feeling like he can change her "if only." I'm not sure what his "if only" is, mine was "if only I show her enough praise & attention." It didn't work, because it wasn't my fault in the first place, it's her fault. She got plenty of love, attention & praise growing up. I think we blame ourselves for these things because it's puts us back in a place of control: if it's our fault, then we can fix it. So, we end up setting ourselves up for failure because none of that is true.

No one gets sober unless they are truly ready & willing.

No one forces anyone else to pick up that drink, time & time again.

All any of his self-blame does is make our marriage sad & lonely, because he's focused on what he did wrong or how he should be able to fix everything and never smiles or enjoys himself anymore. I'm really at the point where I'm not going to even mention her anymore, at least not to him. I'm really dreading tomorrow, since she's supposed to be here for our Beltane rites. I'm half tempted to just tell her not to come if she's been drinking, that no one wants to be be around her when she isn't sober. I hate this. I'm so tired of this life, I want the one I briefly had, while she was in jail, back.

Safety

I'm very much behind personal freedom, I don't like anyone telling me what I can or can't do, in regards to my home, family or body, which is probably why I'm a Libertarian, but I do believe that some things need to be legislated. Seatbelts for minors? Yes. Child restrains for children? Yes. Safety gear & motorcycle helmets for minors? Definitely. Do you see where I'm going with this? I believe that, as an adult, it should be your choice to use these items, or not. It's your life & by not using them, you are only endangering yourself. I would, 98% of the time, even if it weren't the law, still use my seatbelt. I always have. The law doesn't make me use one, my own survival instinct does. I think that's very likely the case for most adults, they use safety gear or they don't, depending on their own desire, they don't usually care what the law tells them to do. I just think law enforcement spends far too much time & money worrying about things that just aren't their concern & need to be freed up to actually enforce the things that matter.

Slackerly

Another two weeks has passed without me updating in here. I know. We got the yard nicely cleaned up, even though the weather was pretty bad in the weekend prior to Spring clean-up. We managed to get most of what we wanted done finished. We have the weed & feed on the lawn to take advantage of the few rains we've had, and I started some seeds the other day. I need to buy more peat pellets if I want to start anymore. I have broccoli & cauliflower already coming up, along with some marigolds. I have planted parsley, dill, basil, calendula, columbine & Shasta daisies as well. I will be getting some more vegetable seeds on payday, more peat pots & hopefully some more containers to start them in (I'm using produce containers that we left after we finished it). We also need to buy some garden cloth, so we can get our raised beds built in the back, so I can plant my seedlings when they're ready. I'm pretty excited about all of this & really hope I can have a productive garden this year.

Spring Clean-up

Spring Clean-up week starts tomorrow, at least for my neighborhood. We managed to get a good portion of our yard debris out & on the street today, and our yard looks a whole lot better, too. I like to drive around & see what people re trying to get away with putting out. Sometimes they throw furniture & appliances out there, even though the rules specifically say that you can't. One year we saw a dining set, a couple of old miller welders and a TV sitting on top of a pile of huge branches & lawn trimmings. I was kind of surprised that no one came along & took the welders, they can be fixed pretty easily & used forever (my brother is a welder, I'm not an expert!). The street crew left all of the furniture & sucj behind on the street, but took the branches & grass. I'll bet that was as ad day when they came home & saw that they still had to make a trip to the landfill. I'll be happy to have it done, that means it'sa one step closer to warmer weather & more flowers growing in my yard!

Silly Dreams

I used to have a dream that I'd be in a rock band someday. It's silly because I'm so cripplingly shy that I could never be comfortable on stage. I can't play an instrument that would work in a rock band (I play the flute!) and I'd have to be a lot more sure of myself to sing in front of strangers. Anyway, I had it all planned out, I'd have two guitars players; rhythm & lead & both would play beautiful Vox Guitars, the bass player would be hot & no one would ever notice what he played & the drummer? Amazing. Isn't it crazy, the things you want when you're young? Now all I want is enough. Nothing outrageous or amazing, just enough to live life everyday, to do the things we want to & go the places we want to go. (none of which are over the top) I live a simple life, I just wish it were a little more simple.

Thrifty Living

I know that my friends & family are very likely starting to really believe that I am, in fact, as crazy as I claim to be. It's because I've been on a huge money-saving, make-it-myself kick lately. I only buy a cleaning or household product, which includes many cooking & baking items, if I can't make it myself. I don't use shampoo, I make my own body wash, dish detergent & laundry soap. I don't buy Hamburger Helper because I can make my own mixes much cheaper, and the same goes for baking mixes, like cookies and such. I wash my face with oil (it's the best makeup remover I've found so far) and use cloth rags instead of paper towels. I'll be making my own emergency candles, a box for home & one for the trailer soon and taking up canning. I'm tired of spending money on things that I can do myself. If that's crazy, I guess I ought to be admitted, but I hope it doesn't cure me, because I'm really enjoying this!

Hopeful

The sun is shining today & yesterday's snow (which lasted until well into the night, by the way) is starting to melt. I'm really, really hopeful that this was the last measurable snowfall of the year & that we can start to live like it really is Spring now. Troy is up on the bedroom roof, shoveling the snow off of there before it melts & ruins the ceiling again. I wish he didn't have to do that, but it's better than the month-long process of getting it fixed again & dealing with the idiot dry-waller they use. I started watching what I'm eating again, and since the only program that works for me is WW, I bought a PointsPlus calculator & am using that. I busted out the scales on Friday & have lost 7 pounds so far. I'm sure that part of that stems from being sick earlier in the week, but I'll take the loss. It's always good to see one on your first serious week. I bought it with a pretty skin for the top, so now it just looks like a nice compact & if I use it in public, it'll pretty much seem like I'm checking my makeup. I'm dying my hair later & then we have to get the yard garbage (leaves, branches & such) out to the street for pick up tomorrow.