Bat Sh*t Crazy

Hoping

2012-01-25T12:47:00.004-07:00

Right before Christmas - well, December 2 - we sent Erin his guitar, and a couple of weeks later, a box for him, his then fiance & her little brother, that had new guitar strings and the new game "Rocksmith" in it. Erin has played the guitar since his sophomore year of high school & has always felt that he was mediocre, at best, at it. So, sending the guitar, strings and game were our way of encouraging him to get back into a place where he feels confidant playing again. He has played with several bands over the yeas & I know he'd love to start making music again.

What I'm hoping, is that the now ex-fiance and her mother, who are meeting Troy & I in Las Vegas in February, will, at the very least, make sure his guitar & strings are a part of the exchange (along with Erin's dog!). I can replace the game, but he's had that guitar for a long time & my daughter has kept it for him since he left 5 years ago. It would be a shame for him to lose it now, just because someone wants to be vindictive.

So, my fingers are crossed & I'm planning for the best, even if I do have quite a "speech" ready if she doesn't follow through with it.

Weird!

2012-01-20T13:22:00.002-07:00

I had the strangest dream last night. In my dream, my daughter called me, rambling on & on about pretty much nothing. Nothing she was saying made any sense to me, and then another voice came on the line and said, "Your daughter is having a psychotic break, you need to get down to the ER." I jumped up, put on my shoes and left my bedroom. No one else was home, the house was dark & silent and I had no idea where they were. I got in my car & drove to the hospital, which was also very, very dark. I went in through the ER entrance, but the automatic doors weren't working, so I had to go all the way around to the front, and go in the regular doors.

When I got in, the hall was crowded with abandoned medical carts, food service carts and the like, so I had to weave through all of this to make my way down to the ER area. I seemed to be the only person in any of the public areas of the hospital, at least as far as I could see. I got the the ER, the window was shuttered on the intake window, which also meant I couldn't get in there to find my daughter, so i sat down in the waiting area to see what would happen.

I have no idea what would have happened after that, I woke up, so I never found her, but was filled with anxiety in my waking state. I'll see her this evening, maybe she can shed some light of the two disturbing dreams I've had lately. She may be struggling with her sobriety right now, I'm not sure.

A Good Birthday

2012-01-19T15:26:00.003-07:00

I had a very good day yesterday. It was mellow & quiet, but good just the same. I took my daughter to her probation appointment in the morning, then came home & relaxed awhile. She needed another ride later, so I did that & then me & my son went & got some lunch. We talked about how much different his life is now, me learning some easy songs on the guitar, what he planned to do later, what I planned to do later, you know, just normal stuff.

We came home, he did his thing, I did mine & then I got ready to go out to dinner with Troy. I had a ton of birthday greetings on Facebook, which was pretty awesome, really. We went out & got dinner, then came home & watched a little DVR'ed TV and went to bed. My mom came over this morning with my birthday gift - cute owl earrings!

So, all in all, a good day. I'm a little worried about my son today, he's still in bed & I'm hoping it's just because he was up so late last night. You just never stop worrying, you know?

Moving Along

2012-01-17T10:46:00.002-07:00

Things are going fairly well around here. Our son is making progress in his program, working his steps & finding things out about himself, accepting them & either working to correct the problems & moving on or just letting it go & moving on. It hasn't been easy on any of us, especially him, but we're getting through it & it's worth it all.

We've made arrangements with his ex to meet her in Las Vegas next month (we'll be there anyway) to pick up his dog & his property. We'll need to take the things that belong to her, too, and she wants their cell phone back, so I guess he'll need to start looking for one and a plan he can maybe afford. I looked at Atrix yesterday, but I think you have to live in Canada to go through them, I'm not sure.

In other news, tomorrow is my birthday, we plan to go out for dinner after Troy gets home from work. On Sunday we'll have ice cream cake for our friend Ryan & I, since his birthday was the 5th. I already mentioned that we'll be in Las Vegas in February, we're going as a late party for the two of us. I gets us out of the cold & snow for a couple of days & gives us all a chance to just unwind & have a good time. We all seem to really be looking forward to it.

Life goes on, the struggles are never ending, but never something we can't handle, as long as we all have each other, we'll be just fine.

An Odd Feeling

2012-01-11T21:08:00.003-07:00

I tried, very hard actually, while my children were growing up to do all the right things. Sadly, I really only had the tools that I was raised with & those methods weren't all that great. I had a nasty temper, I took a lot of things out on the kids and had very little patience with them. I never imagined that they'd all be addicts of one sort or another, I knew that they had the potential, if I believed that genetics had anything to do with addiction (and I did & do), but I thought that my "stellar" parenting would help them avoid those temptations.

Anyway, I drove my two youngest (21 & 23) to an AA meeting yesterday, and when I saw them get out together & head for the door, I was a bit sad & guilty feeling, thinking, "Wow. What kind of a mother has to take two of her kids to an alcoholics anonymous meeting?" Suddenly, the smarter side of me said, "A really good one, who cares that her kids get help for their addictions, that's what kind." I mentioned it to my son later on, he told me the same thing & said he was really happy that his sister had come with him, because it was good to see her & spend a little time with her. He goes every day, usually 2-3 times a day, to different meetings, including NA. She rarely goes, so we don't know if she's sober or struggling, and when I ask she tells me she's sober, so that's all I have to go on.

Here I go, rambling again.. anyway, it felt strange to see them goign together, but it also felt good, if you know what I mean?

Brrrrr!

2012-01-07T19:11:00.002-07:00

Winter came back with a vengeance today. We had a nice couple of weeks there, where it was warm enough to be outside without a jacket on as long as the sun was up. I kind of got a bit spoiled by it all, I think. It snowed a bit today & has been cold since I got out of bed. I really just want to put my PJs on & climb in bed, reading until I fall asleep. I haven't had enough sleep in a few days and I'm starting to feel it.

Our son came home on Wednesday morning, being forced to leave without much notice by his fiancee on Tuesday morning. By Friday morning, she had broken up with him, after promising to give their relationship a lot of thinking. It seems that 3 days was plenty. He was devastated, and had really counted on being given a chance to change the way he was treating her & living his life. He didn't let the break up change his determination to stay sober & continue to work his program. He knows he has to move past these issues in his life or he'll never have a partner that he can love forever & he really does want that.

So, we're in the process of him trying to figure out what comes next & hoping his friend can help him get a job, so that he can pay his fines, do his probation & not worry about jail so much anymore. Then maybe he can go to school and start to get the rest of his life together. So far, though, things are going well. He's making it to at least 2 meetings a day and doing well when he makes contact with people he used to party with. I'm pretty proud of him.

A New Year, Already?

2012-01-04T11:47:00.003-07:00

Wow. The last week of December really seemed to just drag, and then, all at once, it's January 4th and time to start thinking about taxes and all of that again. I love being able to file my taxes online & use things like TurboTax, but sometimes the questions stress me out because I don't understand what they mean, like "did you receive an ach check from any source this past year?" and I'm sitting there thinking, "I don't even know what one is, how do I know if I got one?" I know that's not an actual question they ask, but I'm not in the middle of doing mine right now & can't put a real one just off hand.

Then there's the whole turning another year older thing in two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about 46 being right over the horizon, there, it feels a little to close to 50 & all of the other really old ages to me. I'll get through it, I always do, but I have to admit, it'll be with trepidation.

So, how did you all fare over the holidays? Any drama to speak of? Good gifting? Fun parties? Beuller? Beuller?

Not so Bad

2011-12-24T11:00:00.002-07:00

Things have gone fairly smoothly since our daughter got out of jail. Her first day out was pretty rough for all of us, she had a lot of misinformation fed to her by various people while she was in that she had to wade through. She managed to locate all of her stuff and on Monday, I went & paid for her prescriptions, took her grocery shopping & to check in with her PO. She spent awhile with us & then I took her home.

We saw her again on Yule, when we had a very nice day together. We opened gifts, had breakfast & then went shopping for the day. She handled it pretty well when I told her I'd be getting a small storage unit for her property, so that we could use her room for an office. I know she harbors dreams of coming back to live here, but it just isn't going to work for any of us that way.

I'm hoping that when we get all of our daughter's stuff out & into storage, we can have a little more room for things like ironing boards, food storage and a place for small appliances. We will if I plan everything the right way & keep on Troy to put things back where they belong.

At any rate, we had a lovely Yule, both as a family & as a Circle, although the mood was very subdued and we all seemed to run out of steam pretty early on. It was fine, we all got together and had our rites & celebration & that's all that really matters.

Bluesy

2011-12-15T09:37:00.002-07:00

I'm feeling a little stressed out & down right now. Our daughter gets out of jail early Sunday morning (like at 2am) and I'm just not ready for it. I don't have any desire to see her or deal with the hysterics and drama she's sure to bring to my house. She won't be living here, that's for sure, but it won't change her need to force us into paying her fines and for her cell phone by any means she deems necessary.

I've already decided that she won't be allowed into the house unless both of us are here, because she knows she can get either one of us, singly, to agree to her demands with enough drama, but together, we're an unstoppable force. So, if she shows up early Sunday morning then I'll offer to take her somewhere else or to let her use my phone to call for a ride, but she won't be coming in to bother us in the middle of the night.

I'm typically about the least paranoid person you'll ever meet. I rarely, if ever, suspect people of ulterior motives, talking behind my back or plotting against me, but for the past few days I'm had this feeling of unease, like something just isn't right, that maybe something bad is just over the horizon & I don't like it. I hate this feeling. It's like I know I've forgotten something crucial, but only with added danger in the mix. So, I guess I'm putting this out there, if anything happens to me or Troy & I, I hope that the police will start with Rhiannon, because she is the only person on the planet (next to her sperm donor) that hates me enough to harm me.

I hate that I even feel like I have to say that.

Frustration

2011-12-06T11:35:00.003-07:00

On Cyber Monday, I found a great deal on a GPS for my car - I have a huge fear of getting lost, probably from traveling with my dad, we got lost, a lot - and so we ordered it & eagerly awaited it's arrival. It came while we were out Friday & I turned it on & got everything situated, and put it in my vehicle on Saturday. We had some driving around to do that morning, and while we didn't plan an itinerary on it, Troy was pleased with it. I brought it in to activate our promotion code and update our maps & that's when the problems began. It wouldn't update the maps, it kept telling me we were out of space on the GPS, then it deleted all of the previous maps, rendering it completely useless. I followed every instruction for every problem listed on the website & finally just handed it & the phone number to Troy.

6 hours on the phone later? Lots of wasted hours, plenty of frustration and no solution but to send it to them for replacement. My we should have bought a garmin zumo 665 motorcycle gps or something like it (considering I don't have a motorcycle & all), maybe we'd have a working GPS now & not one sitting in a box, waiting until we have time to get to UPS to send it back.

I'm disappointed & don't have a lot of hope for the replacement to work very well, either, but I guess we'll see. It's supposedly a pretty good brand & model.

Doing Well

2011-12-05T11:38:00.004-07:00

I'm been pretty level these days, no serious ups or downs, highs or lows. I've managed to keep my hormones in check, so that they don't aggravate my emotions too much. I did have a rough time the other day, while we were holiday shopping. We were just about finished, after having spent an awful lot of money & were at Costco. I didn't have a very large list, but the things on it were important to me. I was focusing on things Troy had asked me to look for & hadn't finished my list when he came back, looked in the cart, and said, "What did you add? I hope we have enough to pay for all of this!" in a fairly snotty/angry tone. I immediately felt the tears start to come & told him I was done and just wanted to leave. I put back the one item I had added & told him we needed niacin & then we could go.

It was close to 5 or 6pm and we hadn't eaten since 10 that morning, we had been having a wonderful day & I just felt so hurt & betrayed. I didn't care about anything anymore. I gave up everything else that was on my list, some of which I had really been wanting & pretty much just put myself on auto-pilot to get out of the store & back on the road. I didn't want my Yule gift anymore. I didn't even want to be in the car at that point. I wanted to be at home, in my bed, in the dark, crying my eyes out.

We did get everything settled & Troy felt horrible for two days about it all & realized he should have worded things differently or just known that I knew what I was doing. It hurt, I took it hard, but we got through it. I have far fewer incidents like this these days. I can usually see them coming & head it off pretty quickly. This came out of the blue & I didn't see it coming fast enough; normally, I'd have just looked at him, made some smart-assed reply & went on about my business.

Accepting Me

2011-11-23T12:36:00.003-07:00

I had a really tough day yesterday. I went to court for my youngest child - I can't even say "with" because she was in jail & still is - and listened to her begging the judge to release her so that she could give her father & I the gift of her sobriety for the holidays. In my heart I knew she wouldn't be sober if she was home & that what I really wanted from her was for her to stay in jail & then enter inpatient rehab before she dies.

I came home & got to spend a little time with our granddaughters, but then my middle child called and was upset that he didn't get what he thought was enough financial aid for school (6k a semester, the school he wanted into is 7k/sem) and wanted us to apply for a loan we thought we would be denied for so he'd be awarded another 2k a semester. I refused, he got butt-hurt and went on a tirade on Facebook and too a lot of things out on me, our relatives and my friends.

I ended my evening in tears, with a headache and feeling like crap about myself, again. This whole thing did serve a purpose, because it got me to thinking that it isn't my weight that makes me feel terrible about myself. It's my attitude about myself that makes me feel that way. I started reading articles about size acceptance and health at every size and realized that I just have to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, inside and out. I am a beautiful, fat, loving, giving, smart, funny woman. I still hated myself when I had lost 100 pounds, which explains why I gained it all back.

I'm not going to be dieting anymore. I will get and stay active, going to the gym, taking walks, going hiking and camping and doing all of the things that I love. I will not engage in things that make me feel like I'm a failure, like dieting. I've been working on portion control, I eat cleanly and avoid almost all processed foods these days and that will continue, I do, after all, have Troy's health to think about (he's diabetic), too.

I plan to start buying myself clothes that I love and that are well fitting, and stop punishing myself because I'm fat. I deserve to look and feel beautiful, even if I get as large as all the furniture stores los angeles has, put together. I won't, but so what if I did? It's my business, no one else's.

I'm letting my hair grow out & when it's at a length I like, I'll have it styled into beautiful layers that make it look like it isn't baby fine and limp. Most of all, I'm going to give myself a break and start loving me the way my husband and friends do, for who I am.

Trying

2011-11-22T12:13:00.003-07:00

I'm desperately trying not to give up on myself. I really want to be back on track with my weight loss and eating the right way. I'm so tired of feeling guilty, fat and ugly. I never felt that way when I was gung-ho about myself. This whole thing with my daughter has taken a lot out of me, I realize that. It isn't fair or even right & I'm going to get past it. I'm just ashamed of how I look, I can't find any clothes in the house that are comfortable, but look good. I thought about finding a place to get discount medical uniforms, and buying some scrubs, but I refuse to resort to that. They look great if you work at a healthcare facility, but they not for every day.

If I could just get back on track, I could look forward to wearing my own clothes again. I think I'm just going to suck it up and get started on it, as soon as all of this court crap is over with (which I hope will be done today). I'll sit down, make a plan, figure out my points for what I want to eat & just do it again until it's second nature.

Thinking About Gifts

2011-11-09T11:16:00.002-07:00

It's that time of year again, and I can never figure out what to get for my dad for Christmas. Mom is easy, she loves jewelry and I have a credit to get her something nice with a company I mistakenly signed up with. I was thinking about getting him some of those chocolate-covered strawberries, since he loves candy and at least this way, he's getting some fruit with it, so maybe mom won't get quite so upset with him. I need to visit their site and see if there's anything I think he'd enjoy before I make a final decision.

I also don't know what to get for my brothers or their girlfriends. I'm not even sure if Craig will be coming out for Christmas, or not yet. I know they'll be here for Thanksgiving, though and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.

I think I'll just get my niece a gift card, who knows what emo type thing she's into these days? I'm not going to try to figure it out.

Troy is supposed to let me know pretty soon what he wants and we're getting Erin and Alisa the game "Rocksmith" and sending his guitar to him. We were going to get Rhi a new cell phone, but she's in jail again and I'm not going to be paying her bill anymore, so she won't need a new phone, guess she'll get a shirt or something. I might just send Garrett and Keri a gift card for Target or something, I don't know what they need or want after all.

Success!

2011-10-30T12:27:00.004-06:00

The party was a big success last night. We had all of our normal crowd, plus friends we don't get to see that often anymore. We had very little food left over (a few spring rolls & potstickers, along with chips, hummus & dip), so I made just enough. I was surprised that people scarfed up the hummus like they did, it's generally one of those foods that people either love or absolutely hate. I guess I got lucky & have the hummus loving friends.

We had ritual before the party. Afterwards, Dawn & I got everything put away & then Troy & I started cooking the dinner. Everyone else who was here (some friends came later) watched TV and waited patiently. We got everything done around the time I said it would be ready & everyone dug in.

It was really just a fun time. There were costumes, friends, food, drinks, music & a lot of laughs & good conversations.

It didn't even get terribly cold last night, which was good, since I went outside in my fortune teller costume & no coat to turn off all of decor lights out there. I was afraid I'd get too cold & start wishing I had an electric blanket, but it was fine & I slept perfectly.

Anyway, I need to get ready to run to the store really quick, so we can get the Sunday paper (for coupons), so I'd better go do that.

Excitement

2011-10-29T08:51:00.003-06:00

Tonight is our annual Halloween party & I'm pretty excited about it - as always! I'm hoping we have a good turnout, considering the time & money I've spent on the whole thing. I'm in the middle of "carving" my pumpkins (I use quotations because I'm actually drilling holes in them), then I think I'll clean house & rest for a few minutes before I have to get busy with everything else.

On top of that, our friend & his wife are expecting twin boys, very soon. I'm waiting for the baby announcements any day now, which is pretty exciting. Between the two of them, they already have 7 kids, but these are their first together. They just got married last March and while they hadn't known each other long, they seem to be made for each other. We're all very happy for him, because he is such an amazing person. I'm very excited to meet their new babies!

Bad Times

2011-10-16T09:27:00.003-06:00

Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the Occupy Wall Street movement & the "We are the 99%" campaign. If you haven't read any of these stories, you probably should. It gives a very clear picture of what people are going through today & shows that the people the hardest hit are not lazy, unmotivated slackers who just want a handout. They almost all, universally, just want a job & a chance to hold their heads up again. They can't pay their bills, feed their families and afford a place to live at the same time.

Troy & I are pretty comfortable, but trust me when I say that we're a paycheck away from disaster. You know that times are bad when lawyers are taking paralegal jobs & doctors are looking for Family or General Practitioner Jobs at whatever rate they can get them at, no matter what their specialty is. We live in very scary & dark times, and at the moment, all I see is everything getting a lot worse, way before it gets any better.

It sucks that the best lesson I feel like I can teach my 21 year old daughter in these times is how to survive when you're so poor you have nothing.

Ooops

2011-10-15T17:41:00.003-06:00

Wow! I hadn't realized so much time had passed in here since I last posted! I've been spending so much time posting on another blog & prepping my outline & character sketches for NaNoWriMo that I just let it slip away from me.

We spent today at the New Harmony Apple Harvest Festival, like we do every year. We bought a jug of cider (which I have under the cabinet fermenting as we speak) and a jar of pomegranate jalapeno jelly. The rest of the time we spent visiting with friends, picking apples & pretty much just relaxing. It was a good time, and a nice way to usher in the Fall.

I've been thinking about some new altec lansing speakers for my XTerra, or at the very least, a new stereo, but we'll have to see how money is later on. We have insurance due pretty soon, along with Yule & all of that. It's not a major pressing concern anyway. Very few things feel like they are these days, I'm pretty content with our life at the moment & that's all I've really ever wanted from it. It's good to feel that way, finally!

Still Staying Busy

2011-09-28T16:49:00.004-06:00

The month is almost over already & it went faster than your typical youtube video download. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the 26th (we actually celebrated a few days earlier, by taking a drive & having dinner out of town). I can't believe we've been together this long, I never thought of myself as someone who could stay with one person for the rest of my life.

I've been taking steps to reduce our spending, especially since buying the trailer & not wanting it to be a burden on us. I've started making my own dishwasher detergent, fabric softener & fabric odor remover & when our laundry detergent is gone, I'll make that, too. I've also been making my own "convenience" foods, like Hamburger Helper mixes. Because I keep a very well-stocked spice cabinet, that pretty much consisted of buying noodles, because I already had everything else.

All of the household products I've made so far are working really well, including the very simple fabric softener (no static - at all- not even on sheets & sleeping bags). I hate spending tons of money of things that manufacturers make us believe we HAVE to have & I'm doing my best to change our opinions about that & do better, greener things. This is another way that I know that about 95% of what comes in my house hasn't been tested on animals, and that also makes me very, very happy.

Busy Times

2011-09-17T11:48:00.002-06:00

It's been another of those months where we seem to be super-busy, but I have no idea at what, you know? I know we went camping one night, just me, Troy & the dog. We've gone to a lot of movies, dealt with a lot of stress, made a lot of decisions regarding what we will & won't tolerate, and bought a little more furniture. There has been work, play and lazy time. I guess that really is a pretty busy month, when you lay it all out like that.

There are things I need to do this weekend, still, and haven't started yet, like cleaning the bedroom & switching out altar spaces for the cold months. I also want to get the office/dining room looking good. My mom asked me to find the best printer ink cartridges online for her, since she won't buy the printer I have & hates to pay the price for the ink at the store, but there isn't a hurry on that.

Right now, I'm recovering from our workout at the gym & getting ready to have lunch, then I'll get started on the bedroom, so I can do the altars & office later on.

Disappointed

2011-09-04T11:59:00.002-06:00

When Troy & I decided to stay together & work things out, I had said I wanted a handfasting or vow renewal to mark the occasion, maybe this year, for our 20th anniversary. I had to face the facts that it's never really going to happen & that none of that is very important to him. It makes me very sad, I really wanted it. I've always said that "someday" we'd have a real wedding, and here we are, 20 years down the road & it's never going to happen. I know it isn't the wedding that matters, but the marriage, but you read all of the celebrity wedding news, hear about all of your friends & such getting married & go to their weddings & it hurts a bit. I'll get over it, but it's probably going to take awhile.

Reminiscing

2011-08-28T03:55:00.003-06:00

I was just thinking back to TV shows of my youth, when if there was a meeting for work, the characters all had to be at the office, or go to another city & meet with everyone they were trying to network with. Then, someone invented conference calling & people could have big meetings, with a lot of people on the telephone. That ended the need to travel to a different office to get two or three different teams talking & brainstorming on something. We all thought that was pretty amazing, didn't we? I'm sure that more than one person sat around & tried to figure out how to use the system on a personal level, to get all of their friends on the same line to talk about their plans for the night or weekend.

Now, that all seems a thing of the past, now that we have internet conference calls, and can not only hear a group of people, but in many cases, see them, too & current TV shows & movies reflect that change, too. I wonder what the next 20 years will bring?

Really, at this point, I'm wondering if they'll invent a spray that makes my dog not afraid of thunderstorms, since it's 4:00am, I haven't been to sleep yet & the dog is under my feet, shaking & looking concerned because of the storm.

Remembering

2011-08-07T14:15:00.002-06:00

I was sitting here trying to remember all of the dogs my parents have had, just since we've been in Utah, and I'm not sure I can. That's kind of sad, honestly. I know she had Mandy, a miniature schnauzer for awhile, and there may have been another of those, too, but I can't remember. Then there was the sweet sharpei, who had horrible problems. We searched everywhere for an affordable mange remedy for him, but one day he just wandered off & we never saw him again.

I don't know what other ones they had before Ginger & Sugar, but Ginger was my favorite of all of them. We almost adopted her ourselves, but chose Tiny's mother instead. It was like having the best of both world's when she was alive. I got to enjoy her and have Tiny, too. I was so sad when she died last summer, I guess today makes it a years since she went. That explains why they've been on my mind, at least. Sugar died on the 6th & Ginger the next day, I think. Poor pups.

Almost...

2011-08-07T13:29:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that it's almost time for school to start. It seems like the little hellions just got out a couple of weeks ago. In a way, I'm happy, because, at the very least, the stores will be less crowded & chaotic. In another way, it makes me sad, because I know that camping is almost done for another year. We didn't get to camp nearly enough this summer, between money problems, peoples busy schedules & Dawn's work schedule, now I kind of feel ripped off.

I'm thankful that none of my kids are in school anymore, that stuff gets expensive. I know I'd be hitting up discount school supply coupons at dropdowndeals, for sure, though. Between clothes & school fees, we always had very little left over to get actual supplies & every little bit seemed to help out.

I am hoping we'll be able to get a couple more camping trips in in September, before the weather gets too cold, I'm just not ready to give up on it, yet.

Getting Ready

2011-08-04T12:44:00.002-06:00

We're just about ready, as far as having bought everything we need to for the trailer. We're going camping in it for the first time next week & I'm excited & nervous all at the same time. Troy is worried about towing it up the mountain, and I'm nervous about him towing it after working all night. I know that everything will be fine, our friends wouldn't steer us wrong on it & chance us getting hurt in an accident, we just need to get through this first trip.

I managed to shop pretty carefully for the things we need, but I plan to shop a lot more online in the coming months, making sure I get the latest working coupons for whatever company I'm using to finish with the rest of what we'll need for it. It's been kind of like outfitting a second house, honestly, since we've needed a lot of the same things we'd need if we were starting out again. It was fun, because you don't have to stick with what you would in your actual home & can get a little more wild with it. I would love to put up some fun pictures or posters in there eventually, too, just to give it some more personality.

At any rate, we need to go get our propane tanks filled today or tomorrow so that everything is ready to go next week.

Well..

2011-07-28T15:35:00.002-06:00

So much for that. We did get back into debt over the past two weeks. It wasn't for a car, white gold jewelry or furniture. It was for an investment, something we will only ever buy one of. We got a 2012 travel trailer & believe me, we'll use the hell out of it, since our favorite warm weather activity is camping. I've spent the last week & a half getting it stocked & ready for our first camping trip in it, which is still about 13 days away. We're so excited to actually have a comfortable place to sleep (and it's a nice pillowtop mattress on our bed!) and a fridge and a nice stove to cook on. We're really happy with our decision & I'm thrilled that we have a chance to start rebuilding our credit in a more responsible way this time around.

Growing Up?

2011-07-10T11:25:00.002-06:00

It's funny. We filed bankruptcy over a year ago & have managed to stay debt free since then, other than buying Troy's car from a friend of his & a few medical bills. This wasn't our first bankruptcy, we filed for our first one 11 years ago & within a year we were back in debt. We seem to have learned a lot from that experience, being in debt now really scares me, in a way it never did before. I just remember the suffocating feeling every month when it came time to pay the bills & never having any money to enjoy.

I'm nervous about getting back into debt to get another car, even though I know that it will, in fact, save us money on gas over time. I've been very diligent about keeping everything paid & throwing away credit card applications when they come in. I want no more stupid debt in our lives or easy "money" options. I think buying a car is different, at least it's an investment. I was thrilled that we saved money & bought furniture, that really felt like one of the first adult things we've done in a long time.

Our monthly bills are under control for the first time in years, we don't find ourselves struggling & hoping to find Wholesale Insurance deals or anything. Yes, we pay for our health insurance (for the first time ever!) & have 2 auto policies (one is full coverage), but we manage to pay those off six months at a time. We're able to budget most everything we really want to do, like going to Sedona, completely without credit cards, or save up for it if we have enough time to plan ahead. I know we can afford to do this without too much pain, even with Rhi's bills on top of everything else, I just need to let go, breathe & make a plan.

Slowly Healing

2011-07-09T18:08:00.002-06:00

My foot is finally almost done healing from the Litha stake incident, it's at the point where it's itching uncontrollably now, so I know I'll be as good as new soon (other than the scar).

Things have been somewhat odd this summer, as far as our friends go. Jason is out of work right now, so he's been around a lot, but depressed while he is. Ryan's been hyper-focused on his other group of friends & trying to get a girlfriend, so he isn't around much. It's like we can't even manage to plan a camping trip where everyone's schedules match up anymore. It's kind of making me sad.

In other stuff, I love my Zune & all, but I have been finding myself checking out ipods lately, just because of touch screens & bigger memory capacity, but I'm still undecided. It's not like I have a ton of extra money lying around at the moment anyway.

We're thinking of getting me a second car, one that is good on gas for running around, since my XTerra isn't, at all. It's great for camping and all of that, where we have to carry a bunch of stuff & need high ground clearance, but I burn through so much gas running around town that it's becoming a big burden. I want something small & still sporty, so we'll see what I can find around here that we may be able to get financing for, it may not even be something we can think about doing yet.

Good - But Bad - Day

2011-06-25T22:18:00.004-06:00

Today started out okay, I slept really, really hard, got up & made coffee. I took my vitamins & such before I ate & was nauseated shortly after because of it, so I ate breakfast & started to get things ready to go for our Litha rights today. I was outside, setting up the ritual space & tripped on a metal stake thing that was sticking out of the ground. I tore my right foot open on top, from right above my toes up about 2-3 inches, and bruised part of it too. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk, or really think much, so I texted Troy & then Rhi, trying to get some help. I was crying uncontrollably while Troy cleaned it up for me & pretty sure the day was done.

Everyone got here on time, except for Ryan, but it was far too hot out there to do anything, so we waited until Ryan got here, did ritual and it was still too hot to be out there cooking. We waited a good long while and in the mean time made a bunch of seashell fairies for our personal altars. We went out & while Troy was cooking, Morgan wove the sunwheel. It turned out quite nice. Lyssa had a ball out playing in the yard, her playhouse & the sandbox.

We were all tired by the time we wrapped things up, so it shaped up into a much better day than I originally thought it would be. There are times when I wish I had some sort of a little memento to give people (like those military challenge coins) or something, just because the people in our lives make everything so worthwhile.

Anyway, I'm exhausted, hurting & ready for some downtime!

Summer is Here!

2011-06-22T17:20:00.002-06:00

It's been mostly warm to hot here for a couple of weeks, just enough to let us know that the snow is over. I always feel such relief when we actually reach Summer on the calendar, because then I know that the chance of cold is mostly gone. I live in a pretty unpredictable place, so we never really can be certain.

I need to start thinking about Troy's birthday & our 20th anniversary in September, because I try to buy those gifts with my own money, because it makes it more meaningful, at least in my eyes. He uses his little iPod Shuffle an awful lot & I know he'd love one with more room & features, so I've been considering getting him an ipod touch 32, I just don't know if I have time to save up for it. I'm definitely going to try, though.

We have a lot of new expenditures coming up, with Rhi being out of jail only during the week & needing to pay to go back on the weekends, plus her therapy, which is court ordered, along with her fines, but we'll figure it out, one way or another. It's good to be alive & Summer is here, everything else is small stuff.

Relaxin' Time!

2011-06-12T14:22:00.002-06:00

The house is clean, the laundry's done, I just need to take my shower and finish the wheelbarrow I'm painting & then I can relax for the rest of the day. I really, really blew my eating this past week & am trying to get back on top of it now. I will do this, without going to the doctor, without hgh supplements, without surgery. I'll keep doing what's been working & get back on the trail & back to the gym.

I'm tired of being the one with the biggest butt in my group of friends. I'm tired of being the one who loses the most weight & then gains it all back, I just want to reach my goal & stay there for the rest of my life. I'm sick of being fat.

Crazy.

2011-06-12T12:03:00.002-06:00

We got some things accomplished this weekend, too, just not quite the same amount as last week. The old gazebo is taken down & moved out of the yard & we're getting ready to go out & do some measuring for some other things. I need to get the house cleaned up at some point today, before everyone gets here tonight for dinner & I'm in the middle of doing my laundry right now. We even went & saw Rhi yesterday morning, before we got started on everything else, which made her very happy. So busy, just not as crazy-busy as we were last week. We do also need to get the swamp cooler ready to turn on, too, since it's already getting pretty hot in the house.

I've decided that the reason I love my contacts is because I'm addicted to sunglasses. Everywhere we go that sells them, I find myself enthralled by them. I seriously need to shop online at someplace like nineapair cheap sunglasses, I swear to the gods!

Busy & Productive Weekend

2011-06-05T10:04:00.003-06:00

Well, this was the first actual weekend of Troy's new shift, since last week, he was just coming off of vacation and it just kind of flowed together, so we couldn't see how it was going to be for us yet. On Tuesday (I think), I found a guy in St. George selling a nice looking couch & love seat set for less than $300. We made arrangements to go & look at them on Thursday evening & hopefully buy them. Ryan took us down there, we really liked them, so we started our weekend out with new furniture.

We slept in on Friday, got up, had breakfast & eventually made our way to the store to get groceries. We got all of that put away & then pretty much laid around on our couches, watched TV and did not much of anything. We did talk about going to the store to see what Big Lots had in the way of patio furniture, but we changed our minds when I saw that Ghost Adventures was showing an episode on the Tooele hospital, which is where my grandpa died. We watched that and then some Whale Wars, then GA again and back to Whale Wars.

Saturday was super-busy. We went out looking for patio furniture, decided our best bet was Walmart, so we headed there, decided we needed a truck for the actual furniture, so we started a prescription for Troy & wandered around a bit, shopping for a new vacuum & a table for me to use for outdoor rituals. We didn't buy them then, we were in a hurry & needed to meet Ryan back here to get rid of our old couch & love seat. So we finished up, ran out to mom & dad's, borrowed his truck & went & got our furniture set. When we brought it home, we found out the old furniture had already been taken & Ryan had just done it himself. So, we took the truck back, went & got our vacuum, the table & a firepit and came home. We watched The Hangover and then we decided to recharge my a/c in my car & got that done. I got ready to turn the sprinklers on for the first time this year & we discovered a broken line. Thankfully, it isn't too far from the surface, but we'll have to dig it out to even see what we need to buy to replace it with, so I turned on the hose & a little sprinkler we found out back earlier.

Today, I need to clean house & get ready for our friends to come over for dinner, which will take awhile, since I had absolutely no time to clean while Troy was off, let alone time to waste time looking at life insurance online quotes, so I think this new shift is going to be just fine. It was really nice having Troy home on payday for a change!

Went too Fast

2011-05-29T10:39:00.003-06:00

Troy's vacation days went by far too quickly, if you ask me. I know a lot of couples don't really enjoy spending time together & can't wait for the vacation to end so they can escape each other, but we aren't like that. We actually love spending time together, and I get so sad when it's time for him to go back to work. He doesn't have to work until tomorrow night, but I'm already starting to get a little blue about it.

I realize that if he was a Texas Work Injury Attorney, or one anywhere, I'd rarely see him, he'd be busy working all of his billable hours, trying to climb further & further in the work food chain, so, in that sense, I do have it good, since he works 3-4 days a weeks & then has the same amount off. I guess I'm just spoiled, and cherish all of the time I get with him, no matter when I get it. Thankfully, his schedule just changed & he has Thursday-Saturday off now, with every other Sunday, too!

Tired. Still.

2011-05-28T16:21:00.003-06:00

Wow, I'll be happy when I don't wake up exhausted anymore. This trip really took it out of me. I honestly didn't expect that to be the case, I swear, I'd start taking human growth hormone, if I thought that would wake me up a bit. Today, we went to Beth's 4th birthday party, we didn't stay long, it was windy & cold & she was off playing anyway. Too much excitement to really want to hang out with the grown ups, besides my folks' goat had babies yesterday & I wanted to get out there & see them.

They were very tiny & very, very cute, trying to stay out of the wind. The boy was in a nest of sagebrush, completely hidden & the little girl was kind of sheltered, but very visible, we bugged her enough that she went & found her brother. We visited awhile & then, because I couldn't stop yawning, I decided it was time to come home. Tomorrow is the weekly Sunday dinner we have with our friends & then it's back to real world for us.

Well Worth the Effort

2011-05-26T11:10:00.002-06:00

The trip to Sedona was worth every bit of preparation, worry & stress that went into it & I'm pretty sure that everyone who went will agree with that. We did exactly as we wanted to during the whole time, with all of us agreeing on what we wanted to do each day and Troy & I bought what we wanted, didn't worry about it & still came home left from our vacation fund & his paycheck, with no need for a payday loan to tide us over to the next payday. It was very nice to be that prepared and not have to stress out about money for once. It was definitely the way to go & how I plan to prepare our finances for any upcoming trips we take. No worry = more fun!

Thought We Were Done

2011-05-13T21:20:00.003-06:00

Just when I thought my need to find unique baby gifts was done for the year, a friend tells us that his brand new wife is expecting twins in December. I've already decided that I'll crochet up a bunch of gender neutral, matching sets of booties, and maybe make a couple of snuggle sacks, but other than that, I have no clue. I've used up all of my creativity on the last three babies I've bought gifts for. It's different when it's your friend, you know? Rather than your friends' kids, or their friends or just young people you've seen grow up, or maybe it's just me, but it does make a difference to me & what I might give them. I'll actually need to put some serious thought into this, so I guess it's a good thing that I have time!

Getting Ready

2011-05-11T16:01:00.000-06:00

We leave for Sedona in 9 days, and I seem to have so much to do in between now & then, not even including the stuff we have to do the day & night before. There is a little stress involved, especially since we have to have a friend of Rhi's come & stay at the house to take care of the pets (she's in jail for at least 19 more days), and I always get nervous when I'm not in control of certain key parts of my life or trip or what have you. In my heart, I know it'll work out, but I'm nervous & worried that it won't & I won't get to go.

Anyway, we were only unable to get a couple of things we wanted for this trip, like cell signal boosters and a new sleeping bag, but that's okay, everything will be fine. We can borrow a bag from Ryan again and probably won't be that concerned about our phones once we get there and all. I know I'll be fine as soon as we leave the state, right now, I'm just jittery.

Tired of It All

2011-04-30T11:03:00.002-06:00

I'm so tired of struggling with my weight, fighting my food addiction & having to think about it every minute of every day of my life. It feels like a losing battle, and I'm beginning that horrible slide back up in weight & I can't handle that thought. I'm so tired of feeling helpless in the face of food, and knowing that it truly does control my life, I don't control it. I'd run out, cave in & buy some lipozene, but I know, for me, it'd just be more wasted money on something that isn't going to work for me.

I'm looking into support groups & 12-step programs, because at this point, I know I can't do it alone anymore. I'm tired of the fight, tired of hating myself and tired of struggling. It's time.

Crazy Days

2011-04-26T16:09:00.003-06:00

Well, I've started speaking to my parents again, granted nothing has been said about the months when I wasn't & I'm sure there never will be. My family are experts at ignoring things, after all. They have a new lap top & internet access again, so we had to go over & help them figure their email out, I'm not sure why it wasn't working before, but Troy got it situated. They introduced us to their new dog, Cricket, we visited with each other for awhile & talked about Medicare part D plans, my brothers, my niece, our kids and their friends & church. It was a pretty good visit. My dad took Rhi fishing last week, and she got to spend time with both of them, too. So, all for the best, at least this way, I have no regrets when their time here is over, you know?

Getting Ready

2011-04-15T20:54:00.002-06:00

We've all been busily preparing for our little trip. Dawn & Jason thought they weren't going to get to go on it, due to finances, but we got together & changed the plans a bit & came up with something that wouldn't cost them as much. Troy seems to be balking a bit now, so who knows if we'll actually make it on the trip or end up staying home, at this point, I'm almost not even caring anymore.

I don't know how much rv repair & upkeep Ryan got to do on his RV, so he may end up borrowing his mom's again, which I'm sure she won't mind, but I know he wanted to have his up & running for the trip. We don't seem to talk much these days, I think he's trying to grow a relationship with a girl he's been hanging out with, which is fine, as long as he doesn't forget about all of us again.

Anyway, we're getting ready to go in May, most of us seem to be looking forward to it, so we'll see what happens.

Tough Times

2011-04-08T18:19:00.003-06:00

We had a bit of a rough time with Rhi when she got home, I don't know what it was, maybe the fact that she wasn't supposed to be drinking or anything, but she went kind of crazy & started drinking, excessively, every day. I mean, to the point of passing out & getting sick while she was unconscious. Very dangerous. I really don't know what finally got through to her, whether it was us being so upset with her, her nearly losing her best friend or realizing how close she was coming to dying, but she stopped drinking on Wednesday. We had a really long talk with her about the rules of the house and what we aren't going to be dealing with anymore. She agreed to our terms & started AA on Thursday. She's been two days in a row, plans to go every day.

I want to trust her. I want to believe this is the end, but I do understand the addiction cycle & I know she's in for a long road. I do have faith that she can overcome this & will if she believes in herself enough. Keep her in your thoughts, she can use all of the positive energy the Universe can muster at this point, and so can we.

Lazy

2011-04-01T17:13:00.003-06:00

I've been so lazy lately, I don't know what's up with that. I need to put my laundry away, because I really need to put the dirty stuff in the hamper (where my clean clothes are currently), so I can actually wash some pants for the weekend. Instead, I'm just piddling around, not really doing much of anything. I did manage to put the clean dishes away today & put the dirty ones in the dishwasher, and even made the bed, but honestly, it's like I've spent three days reading about all of the carpet cleaners raleigh nc has to offer, you know? Time passes, but I can't really say what I've done with it. It's not like there was all that much that I actually needed to be doing, but it still makes me feel guilty to know I haven't done that much this week, other than a few crafts & such.

Jumping for Joy!

2011-03-30T13:38:00.002-06:00

We went to court with Rhi this morning, and after a nearly 2 hour wait, she plead guilty to two counts (the lesser ones), she was granted a pre-sentencing investigation (to find out any mitigating circumstances as to why she should not be incarcerated, like her mental illness) and was released on her own recognizance until sentencing. She was told she had to get a mental health screening and have an appointment by next week, so we'll go take care of that tomorrow, and to get her PSI scheduled before end of business tomorrow (we took care of that as soon as she was released from jail).

So, she's home, at least until May 10. She may have to serve 180 days, but that's a lot less than 15 years, and she'd be at county jail, where we can visit her. It's just good to have her back, and she seems so happy to be here, too. She got very emotional when she saw the house & everything turning green, I know she thought she'd never see any of it again. So, no more sitting around, reading oxyelite pro reviews just to keep from going crazy. I think we're all going to be okay now.

Bad Grammar Vexes Me So

2011-03-29T10:14:00.004-06:00

I was on Facebook this morning - okay, every day, most of the day - and one of the people on my friends' list (I say this, because they aren't really a friend, just someone who added me, because they needed more friends for games or I was on the lost of someone they knew, or whatever, at any rate, I don't actually know them, because I'd have said something if I did) and they posted a status message that said, "looking for great mother day gifts for my mom & gram, any ideas?" My mind shifted to "Why are you calling my mom "Mother Day?" since that is my mom's last name, then went to "That should be capitalized." and then, I realized what they were really saying, and trust me, English is this person's first language, so there was no excuse. I could say maybe they weren't that great at typing, but nothing else was misspelled, so I have to assume they are one of those people who also say "Valentime's." and I'll just move on with my life, bite my tongue & try not to make waves. But vex me, it does.

Trying to Get Through It

2011-03-28T18:28:00.002-06:00

I went & saw Rhi on Saturday morning, let me tell you, that's not something I want to get used to doing. We had problems getting the stupid phones to work so we could talk, thankfully Rhi's bunkmate & her mom were next to us & did it for us. We both felt pretty stupid. She isn't doing great in there & really needs to be out where she can see a doctor & get on some different medication, but I won't say anymore, I don't want to violate her privacy.

Some yard work got done today, so maybe a little planting can be done at some point this week. I just want to plant some bulbs in the front flower beds, and Troy got them raked out nicely for me earlier. I wish we could get some outdoor wireless speakers for there or the back yard, it would be nice to have music when we're out there.

Anyway, almost time for TV & I'm ready to eat.

What in the World?

2011-03-23T18:57:00.002-06:00

I guess I spoke too soon when I posted on the 12th, because our whole world came crashing down two days later. Troy & I were sitting in the office, each doing our own thing, Rhi left & went over to her friend, Chris's house, everything seemed fine. That afternoon, I heard a car pull up in front of the house, looked out my window (it's right next to my desk & I always look out to see who's here) and saw an SUV, with 3 plain clothes cops getting out & heading for our door.

I told Troy, he headed for the door, so he could go outside to talk to them (we have absolutely nothing to hide, but we have a big dog & never let cops inside without warrants). He went outside, one of them immediately copped an attitude, and was completely paranoid about whoever was "peeking out the window" when they pulled up, and went out back, hand on side arm, expecting me to mount an ambush from back there. They were the Drug Task Force & they were looking for Rhi. Of course, as I just said, she wasn't here, so they called her, found out where she was & went to go "talk to her." She called me almost immediately, claiming ignorance. I told her to call me when they were finished talking to her & never heard anything else from her, until that night.

I did hear from her friend that they had handcuffed her & taken her away. I checked the county inmate bookings awhile later & found that she'd been arrested on 3 felony counts of distribution of marijuana. I looked it up & learned she could serve up to 15 years in prison. 15 years. I was pretty convinced she didn't do it, until she called that night & told us that she was guilty. I only got to talk to her for a minute (literally), and haven't gotten to since then. This was a payday where I was determined to get things paid off & down, so we were pretty much broke by the day she got arrested & weren't able to set up the account so she could call us collect (calls are $10 & up for 15 minutes). I did get a postcard, where she apologized for being an idiot, but also kind of blamed it on the state, I guess not realizing that marijuana is a controlled substance throughout this country. She also asked us to pay $1500 of her bail, which isn't going to happen.

I can handle a lot. I've been through a lot of things. I can find out just about anything on the internet (you wouldn't believe the calls I get from Erin asking to solve arguments about music, movies and books. I even got one asking if it was possible to use Blue Cross North Carolina benefits outside of the state of North Carolina. I can't find a way to deal with this pain. I can't find a way past thinking I won't see her, outside of a jail/prison until she's 36. This. This right here? Hardest thing I've ever done.

A Little Better

2011-03-12T11:56:00.003-07:00

Troy seems to have made peace with his feelings about his job, at least he's determined not to let it ruin his whole life. He still dislikes the things that are going on out there, but he's learning to let it go when he gets home, so he isn't taking it out on us. I really wish we were in a position where he could look for something els, but not in this economy, we can't take that risk & sadly, his boss knows that.

At any rate, we're getting ready for the warmer months. We need to buy a new tent before our trip in May, since the one we have is way too big & we can never get warm at night in there. We'd also like to get a new sleeping bag, to cover up with at night, so we don't have to keep borrowing one from Ryan (ours are nylon & they suck). Thankfully, we already have a receiver hitch & a curt trailer hitch for my XTerra, not that we're taking that, but when we finally get our trailer, we'll be ready to go with that end, anyway.

We changed our cell phone carrier & got nice new HTC Heroes for Troy & I. I absolutely love my new phone, I don't know how I went so long with an Android, but I never will again. It's so much fun, and I finally learned to answer a phone call, too (so funny, I failed miserably on the first 3 calls I got, thankfully they were Troy & he was failing too!) The yard is getting green, the tulips are coming up & Spring is in the air!

Frustration

2011-03-05T10:09:00.002-07:00

I hate seeing Troy get that look of dread & depression on his face when it's getting close to the time he needs to leave for work. I remember when he loved his job and even liked most of the people he was working with. Then he got a new boss, who has very different ideas of how he can exploit Troy's talents & willingness to please. He changed his schedule, so he was working the other end of the week, which made things very tough here at home (especially with me, cause I was a total bitch about it). Then Troy got really sick & was in the ICU for almost a week. He came very close to dying & that changed his perspective a lot. He didn't even get a phone call from his boss while he was in there, let alone a visit (I know, I practically lived up there). He decided he was done giving that company his life & getting nothing, not even respect in return.

So, his boss decided to make him work with some one he thought would "motivate" him, expect this man absolutely hates Troy & makes his life miserable. He has so many added duties to his job now, you'd never see that he is, indeed, a security guard. I'm surprised he isn't teaching them all how to handle Conference calling, honestly, it would just be par for the course.

If he could quit, he would. There aren't any jobs here that pay anywhere near what he makes, so he'd have to work twice as hard at two jobs just to make ends meet. I could work, but I sure wouldn't make enough to pay the bills. I just hate seeing him this way, I wish I could fix it. I miss his smile so much.

Bad Day

2011-03-04T09:30:00.002-07:00

Poor Rhi. She was all excited on Wednesday, she had just made a new friend & had also spent the day feeding horses, playing with goats & hanging out with people who wanted her around, she had an interview scheduled for the next day & was even going to go hang out with her new friend. I guess they went out to dinner, but at any rate, she woke up Thursday violently ill. She threw up for hours, was still sick when it was time for her interview at 4:45 (she went anyway, just had to run for the bathroom before the interview) and I think once more a couple of hours later. She was just miserable & I felt so bad for her.

Things like that always make me adjust the scopes on my daily viewfinder, you know? It changes the way I look at things, mostly because there are times when I'm that sick & all I want is my own mother, and I know that's unreasonable, because, after all, I'm 45 & she isn't going to end this feud to drive into town & babysit her sick daughter. At the same time, I know that in spite of Rhi's protests, she's likes knowing we're here when she's that sick, I know it scares her to be out of control like that. Sometimes, it's just nice to feel needed.

Frustration

2011-02-20T10:10:00.002-07:00

It doesn't seem to matter how many times the man in my daughter's life breaks her heart, humiliates her, calls the cops on her or says horrible things about her in a public forum, she keeps going back to him. he'll stay away for a few days, swearing he's hurt her the last time, and she'll never go back, she's done with him and then a few days later, she's asking for rides to his side of town. She won't say that's where she's going, but I can always tell, because the contact with him starts again, the fighting on phone happens more frequently, she gets more & more closed off about where she's going & what she's doing and then her mood changes from just being a bit sad to being angry & defensive all the time again.

I don't understand it, I know I was messed up when I was younger & still with her donor, but I was ready to leave when Erin was taken away & would have if the judge in charge of my case hadn't told me I'd never get Erin back if I didn't stay with him. I've always thought that was the most asinine thing a judge could tell anyone, to stay with the man who just got arrested for beating me up, but I did what I had to, to get him back. If I hadn't stayed, there would be no Rhi, but I laid down the law after I lost Erin & tolerated very little from him, and it was me who ended it by kicking him to the curb & not letting him come back.

Why can't things ever be easy? Why can't we argue about whether she needs to be looking for the best diet pills or whether she's already too thin and needs to stay away from them? Why does it have to be this, all the time? I'm so tired of it.

A Veritable Pharmacy

2011-02-19T09:14:00.002-07:00

Some mornings I feel like I could stock a pharmacy, just with the supplements & OTC stuff I take every day. I take 2 types of vitamins, one for my vision (twice a day) & one just a daily, a potassium supplement, fish oil for my eyes (3 times a day), allergy meds, a cold tablet when I'm sick (like I am), ibuprofen (when I hurt, which is most days) and my appetite suppressant (3 times a day). At least I'm not at the point in my life where I take all of those & then run into the bathroom & apply my wrinkle cream, too. All of these pills every day make me feel like an old woman, I swear.

We had a really great Full Moon celebration last night, it was great to get together with good friends & learn a little, laugh a lot & just feel the freedom to believe what we choose to. There's something about sharing a commitment you make to yourself with all of your friends that just firms it up, makes it more real.

Getting Excited

2011-02-18T15:40:00.002-07:00

Our Federal tax refund is in the savings account & everything is a go for the trip in May, at least as far as we go anyway. Dawn & Jason are supposed to bring some money over here for me to put in the cash box for them, since I'm harder to access than the bank (I won't let them overdraft) and they'll have money for the trip that way. We discussed a few things that we want to get as a group, like 2-way radios and such and we're all pretty excited to get the show on the road. It's going to be hard waiting the next 90 days so that we can actually go, though. We have other trips planned and a couple that we need to talk about, but I don't see why we won't take those, too, since they sound like very cool places to go (Death Valley & Big Rock Candy Mountain).

Anyway, the "diet" creeps along, with me forgetting to weigh in this morning. I guess I'll remember at some point before next Friday. I never thought I'd say this, but I've found the Best over the counter diet pills for me. Yes, I've been taking an appetite suppressant for a few weeks, but at least it's all natural. It seems to be working for me, so I ordered some more. I guess it's a case of me doing what I think I need to do to get through this plateau I've been fighting for so long. I'm hoping this will be the key that gets me there.

Success

2011-02-18T14:12:00.002-07:00

I think I'm finally winning my long term battle against hormonal acne. I started using the oil cleansing method awhile back, and my skin has pretty cleared up, other than one little patch by my right ear, and in the past few days even that has started to clear up. I didn't get my usual break out during my period this month, so I know that it's working. It's an easy method of taking care of my skin & pretty inexpensive, because I don't use a lot of either oil (sunflower & castor), which makes it last a lot longer.

I never thought something like that would work, but I've been hearing all my life about these little old ladies who only ever washed their faces with olive oil, never used any other moisturizer or anything else on their faces & I just assumed they had good luck, good genes or both. Then I started doing some research, after I read about other people using the OCM, and decided it couldn't work any worse than what I'd been doing that was failing & gave it a shot. I'm very pleased with it & likely won't stop doing it now. I have no desire to fix what isn't broken at this point.

Good Week.. So Far

2011-02-16T10:31:00.003-07:00

It's hump day, and it's been a pretty good week, so far, even though Troy hasn't been/won't be around that much. He worked at the shop yesterday (he works on cars for a friend of his) and has to go into work this afternoon for awhile. We did get our state income tax refund yesterday, and it went straight into our savings account, for our vacation in May, which is exactly where the federal refund will go, too. It'll be so nice to not have to get a cash advance online to help pay for anything we ant on the trip, I'm happy I though ahead on this one & that Troy agreed with me about it.

There were other things we could have done with the money, like buy new furniture, get new tires for my XTerra and pay off Troy's car, but I think we both felt like this trip is something we really need to do, and that we need some time out of Utah & away from our every day stressors. I know we're really looking forward to going and that we're going to have a fantastic time, and that's all that really matters in the long run.

Nice.

2011-02-09T16:55:00.002-07:00

The office is a nice place to work & play again, the printer is hooked up, most things are put away, and we went & looked at tables for in here this afternoon. I think we've found the one we want, we both really liked it & the chairs were super-comfy, too. It's a dark brown, with tile in the center areas, the table is one of the taller pub-styles with the tall chairs, too. It's nice, because we're both fairly tall, and sometimes it's a pain in the butt to sit down in lower chairs at lower tables. I think we found the click-clack sofa we want to get, too. It has a Serta mattress for the seat & back (they turn into beds) and is a really pretty color, with storage underneath.

The weather has been pretty nice, we had a little snow for a couple of days, nothing to need to rush out & buy ariens snowblowers, or anything, it was pretty much just cold and windy. It was gorgeous today, although a cold breeze picked up after 3pm.

Our taxes have been filed and we should get our Federal return on the 18th. Who knows with the state, but they'll both be getting deposited immediately into our savings account for our trip in May, so it doesn't really matter when they get here, as long as it's before then. We could have used them for furniture, but it just made more sense to me to save them for this instead, that way we aren't worrying so much about what we spend and can have a nice time.

Just Busy

2011-02-03T08:49:00.002-07:00

Don't worry, I aten't dead yet, as Granny Weatherwax would say, just busy. I also have a bug of some sort, which hasn't been pleasant, rolling stomach, fever and all. I absolutely hate being sick and am wondering what this is, because it's running the course through the house, with me being the last to suffer with it. Everyone else seems to have recovered in about a day, we'll see if I'm as lucky. I'm feeling right now like earing breakfast may have been a mistake, unfortunately.

Anyway, we almost have our office put back together, I just need to bring the printer & stand in here & get it hooked up, then find a place for office supply storage, and a place for Troy's diabetes supplies and we should be good to go on that. I have a lot of work to do in the bedroom to get that cleaned up & organized though & hope I can get it done by Saturday evening, but I have my doubts. We may have to hold our Imbolc rites in the office.

Erin, his girlfriend, Alisa & friend, Nick left last Thursday, heading for Las Vegas. They've made it to Wiki-up, AZ so far, which really, isn't that great for traveling speed, considering he made it from Austin, TX to hear in less than a week. I guess things have been touch & go as Alisa sees what he's like when he isn't at home, but she's trying & still believes he can overcome his alcoholism & addiction. I did ask her not to sacrifice herself if it didn't look hopeful, but she's young & idealistic & likely will.

An Awesome Day

2011-01-19T11:23:00.002-07:00

I had the most awesome birthday I can remember having in a very long time. It was a very simple, uncomplicated day, we didn't do anything particularly amazing or anything, but it was just what I needed; a day to do whatever I wanted to & not be bothered by anything at all. We got Rhi all squared away with three months worth of birth control pills & her Zoloft, and a clean bill of health. I'm thankful that she has always been comfortable enough with our relationship to come to me when she needs birth control, because it would be a bummer to be reading over prenatal vitamins reviews, trying to find the best one for her, when she doesn't ever want kids.

Dawn & I went to a few stores and wandered around, looking at clothes & shoes, we had lunch & we watched TV. When Troy got home, we got ready to go to the movie, met Ryan there, watched it & then went to dinner. The movie was so good, we all laughed so much! Dinner was great, too, I'm not a huge Applebee's fan, but their 550 menu is awesome & the teriyaki shrimp & pasta was excellent. It was great to get full, have a tasty dinner & not feel guilty, knowing I hadn't gone over my points for the day. I plan to go back & gradually try them all, Dawn & I enjoyed it so much.

At any rate, I couldn't have asked for a better day or better people to spend it with.

Acne

2011-01-18T11:09:00.002-07:00

I think it's ultimately unfair that I have to battle acne & wrinkles at the same time. I shouldn't be dealing with pimples at 45, in my opinion. I plan to start using the oil cleansing method as soon as I feel like I have my house back, and hopefully that'll work as well as any of the other natural acne products I could buy at the health food store. I try not to use anything harsh on my skin (or in it, for that matter), so being as natural as possible is very important to me.

Well, I really need to finish getting ready to go, Rhi is about ready to go to the doctor & I need to grab my jacket & purse and all of that.

Another Year Older

2011-01-18T10:29:00.002-07:00

But, not deeper in debt, thankfully. We've made it a year since deciding to file for bankruptcy, and haven't gotten any credit cards (they're frighteningly easy to get after a bankruptcy), bought a new car or had anything else financed that would make our lives harder. We have bought a car, but it was $700 and we're paying it off $100 a month, and we bought it from a friend of Troy's. We haven't fallen for an apidexin scam, or any others, nor have we wasted a lot of money, although, buying the things we want & paying the bills that come in have been multitudes easier & worry-free. I have adamantly shot down any attempts to get us back into debt, I'm so happy to just be paying rent & the other bills that allow us to live everyday that I want nothing more than to keep the status quo. I'm sure it's aggravating to Troy at times, but I'm a lot more fun to live with these days, as a result.

So, I'm 45 today, and I started my day with a brisk, two mile walk with Dawn, at 8am. I came home, ate breakfast, showered & got ready for my day. Dawn will be back over here soon, we'll take Rhi to her doctor appointment & then be on our merry way, just spending time together & having fun. Tonight, we're going to see "The Green Hornet" and then out for dinner. It's shaping up to be a pretty nice birthday.

Still Progressing

2011-01-13T14:34:00.002-07:00

I did a sneak pre-weigh-in, weigh-n this morning & am showing some really great progress this time around. I sincerely hope that rededicating myself to Weight Watchers and starting back at the basics is going to let me reach my goal this year.

I got into a huge political debate today on Facebook with one of Troy's high school friends, and now I'm just avoiding even being on there. I hate intolerant attitudes and people who truly believe that what they hold dear is the one true path in life. Those people end up being the ones who name-call & generalize because they brainwash so easily. So, I walked away from the whole site for a few minutes, maybe a few hours, I don't know. All I know is that being trashed like that for not being a Neo-Con is unacceptable to me. I'm generally more excited about reading a long list of auto insurance quotes than I am political debate, but he started in with the name-calling immediately and that just sends me over the edge.

Anyway, I think I'll just avoid his "friends" from now on, I don't need that grief in my life. I was actually defending him to begin with & then pretty much got left out in the water as chum, on my own, after that. So, lesson learned, his friends can call bhim a "liberaltard" (and what an eloquent name that is. Not.) if they want to, I'm not getting involved. With anything.

So Far, So Good

2011-01-07T17:14:00.002-07:00

I've managed to stay on program with my eating since Monday, and even though I haven't made fantastic choices every time, I have tracked everything that I've eaten. I went out & bought a nice, new scale today & have it set up & programmed for both Troy & I. Hopefully soon I'll be back down to wear I hit my plateau last year & can move past that finally. It would be awesome to start going down in sizes again, and maybe even start thinking about getting some pretty evening dresses or something like that, for special occasions or whatever. I don't really have a lot of places around here to go that I could wear something like that, but it would be awesome to be able to ear one & feel like I looked amazing in it, you know?

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T15:38:00.002-07:00

I just realized that my last post was the first one for 2011, and thought I ought to mention the new year on here. I'm so happy to see 2010 leave that I feel like I ought to hand out pinewood trophies to all of my friends just for putting up with me last year. I'm just hoping things are better this year & that I have a better grip on what I really want out of my life, instead of hurting everyone I love trying to find out.

Right now, I'm making a nice big pot of chili for our friends tonight & I hope we have a fun time together, just hanging out & enjoying each other's company, like we try to do every Sunday. Last week was a bit off, since we were missing Troy & Ryan, so hopefully it'll be back to normal today. Anyway, it's time to take a shower & all of that, since my hair looks insane today!

Odd

2011-01-02T15:29:00.003-07:00

I noticed something this holiday season, with all of the commercials and all that were on TV, and this really will sound odd to anyone who knows me, but I'm rather fond of the everlon diamond knot jewelry. I don't really know why, I'm not a huge diamond fan & never have been, but I really love the symbolism of the Hercules knot. I think this is just about the first line of diamond jewelry that I'd love a piece from.

I think a lot has to do with everything Troy & I have been through for the past 20 years, and the fact that no matter what happens, we seem to always end up back together, loving each other & making it work out. That's what this line represents to me, and it's surprisingly affordable, too, so i might actually end up with something from it!

Somewhat Busy

2010-12-27T11:25:00.002-07:00

Erin left for Phoenix with a friend the other day (Christmas Eve) and I haven't really heard from him since Saturday. I don't have any idea when he's coming home, but he promised he was, since I order straps for his ALICE pack & he needs them. I imagine I'll hear from him when he's on his way home, I just hope this friend doesn't leave him behind when she comes back.

I haven't really seen Rhi much over the past few days. She sleeps, gets up, does a few chores & heads out, coming home in the very early morning hours or not at all until the next day. Who knows what she's up to these days? She usually does this when she's seeing someone she knows we don't like or doing something she thinks we'll disapprove of. My opinion? It's her life, her business.

Today, after Troy wakes up, we're going to St. George again, to pick up a griddle for the kitchen & just kind of hang out. I'd like to look at prices on cookware, too, just to make sure we're getting the best deal on it we can. I'm sure we'll be wading through crowds of people returning gifts, buying Christmas clearance & trying to get a huge deal on popcorn machines, appliances & winter clothes, but that's okay, we can handle it.

Progress

2010-12-23T11:31:00.002-07:00

Well, Erin is very likely going to be heading on his way without staying to take care of his legal problems, but, we expected that he'd feel that way once he sobered up. That's fine, we are a bit disappointed, but honestly, we wouldn't have room for him to stay here when he got out, anyway, so then we're stuck with another dilemma and one more stumbling block in our marriage that we really don't need, at least not right now. We can't continue being responsible for them for the rest of our lives, it's not fair to them or us.

On the more positive side, Rhi has been talking about joining the Job Corps & getting some job training, so that she can actually take care of herself. I'm hopeful that she'll actually follow through with this & at least contact them and see what her options are. I think it would be very good for her.

I've noticed something this holiday season, just like I did after we celebrated Ostara & not Easter. The ads on TV for extravagant gift-giving, like diamonds, cars, hp desktops, new furniture and the like are really irritating to me. I also keep thinking, "Wow, it's over already, change the freakin' commercials!" then stop & realize that these aren't ads for Yule, but Christmas & that isn't over yet. I was exactly the same way after Ostara. We'd go to the store & I couldn't figure out why in the world there were still so many Easter items out on the shelves. I have also found that by switching to the less Christianized versions of my own celebrations, I have also pretty much removed the commercialized versions as well & the tendency to over-indulge while shopping wasn't there. That was really nice.

Blessed Yule!

2010-12-21T13:53:00.003-07:00

On this first day of winter we have cold rain pouring from the sky. There are floods in the towns & cities South of us, but none here, so far. This week has already been emotionally trying for me, as I found out in the early morning hours Sunday, that Erin has been using heroin. Now I can have one more thing that wakes me up in the night, one more thing that keeps me from getting to sleep in the first place & one more way I have to imagine him dying out there.

It's normal for us, especially in my generation, to worry about our parents dying, they are, after all, older than us & that is the natural course of events. We don't think of things like Mesothelioma so much these days, with work safety regulations being what they are regarding asbestos & such, even though it is what my own grandfather died from. My parents are fairly active & healthy for their ages, so I honestly think I worry more about Erin & Rhi dying than I do them, which is pretty depressing if I let it get to me.

Rhi qualified for a healthcare program, so soon she'll be able to get back on her medication & will start feeling much better, so I won't have to worry quite so much about her. Erin had given me a little hope that he was ready to turn himself in, serve his time & then get his life together, but nothing has been said since then, so I'm thinking he has changed his mind again. I hate when he gives me that hope & then tears it away like that, it's almost worse than never having any at all.

Getting it All Together

2010-12-10T12:14:00.002-07:00

Things get complicated in our tiny house when Erin is home. It's almost too small the rest of the year, when it's me, Troy & Rhi, but you add Erin & his dog to the mix & it's definitely too small. Things don't get done like the do when it's less crowded, like vacuuming, taking the garbage out, cleaning the bathroom faucets, you know, the small stuff. Plus it seems like I have a constant dishwasher full of dishes & a sinkful, too. I can't seem to keep on top of them these days & that drives me crazy. Part of the dish issue is that we can't have the heater in Rhi's room on when the dishwasher is running or we trip a breaker, so I have to remember to ask her to turn it off & then remember to turn the dishwasher on, unlike the rest of the year when I can run it whenever it needs it & I don't have to try to remember it.

So, yeah, it's a little frustrating right now & I'm sure I'll get most frustrated before he heads back out again, but hopefully, I won't blow a gasket between then & now. I don't know, I usually do, unfortunately.

A Little Progress

2010-12-09T11:06:00.002-07:00

I've started on those Yule gifts I was talking about, and so far, the parts that I have finished are turning out quite nicely. I had to go all the way to St. George to buy the brass rings that serve as the base for the project, but Michael's had a great price on them & it was a nice little trip for Troy & I.

We got the stuff I needed for those, popped in to Target & bought our replacement stockings and an adorable present for Tiny for Yule. It's a stuffed lobster dinner, served on a flying disk "plate" and I know she'll love it, because there are no smelly rubber or plastic toys in it, which she won't touch. We also grabbed a few little things for Beth's stocking.

We browsed around in Pier 1, wishing we were rich & could afford to buy all of their nice things, but since we can't, we left without anything. It was a quick, little trip where we didn't spend much money, but we did take care of what we went down there for.

Nearly Finished

2010-12-06T11:41:00.003-07:00

We hadn't planned a huge "Christmas" this year, in fact, we aren't even celebrating it officially in our home. We are celebrating Yule though, and not really exchanging a lot of gifts. I got Erin's dog, Bella out of the pound in Arkansas last summer & he said that could be his gift. We gave Rhi some money so she could get a new phone, and she was completely happy with that. Troy bought me a new camera back in October & I got him Fallout: New Vegas & am getting him Red Dead Redemption, too & that finishes out the gifts we're getting for us. We are exchanging gifts with our friends and are mostly done with that, as well, and what we bought for the grandbabies. We're doing stockings, but on Yule morning, so we need to get stuff for that, but all in all, I've really enjoyed the lack of stress about the upcoming holidays & worrying that everyone won't like what we bought or that we won't have enough money to get everything we "need" to buy.

I've really liked being able to focus on what the season means, hunting down the perfect card (that doesn't say "Christmas" on it) and decorating my Yule tree. I'm getting out rituals prepared, planning a couple of baby namings & Morgan's 21st birthday party. Here it is, early December and instead of scurrying around, shopping until I pass out, I have time to research the best weight loss supplements, plan our party menu, wrap gifts & surf the web. It's been incredibly nice, especially taking time this morning to go out for banana bread French toast at IHoP.

Today, I'm going to start some handmade items that I'm adding to my friends gifts, because, to me, that's truly the spirit of Yule; giving of yourself. I'm excited to get started on them & hope they turn out as I'm envisioning them.

Hmmmm

2010-11-29T00:35:00.002-07:00

I was just sitting here, realizing that I haven't been great about remembering to take my multivitamins and such, lately, mostly because I have to eat almost immediately after taking them or I get sick to my stomach. I've been waiting until after I eat breakfast for the past couple of weeks, so then I forget completely some day. I wonder if that plays any role in my mood & my ability to eat correctly? Does anyone know? I hadn't really ever considered it, but I wouldn't doubt it plays at least a small role in some of my current difficulties.

I guess I'll set a reminder on my phone so that I don't forget anymore & see if it helps anything. It can't hurt, at any rate.

Better

2010-11-29T00:13:00.002-07:00

I was really being a snot yesterday. Wow, I hate when I get like that, I hate feeling that insecure, and I have no idea why I allow it to bother me that much, but apparently, it really does. We solved the problem, but I really think that mostly I'm having a tough time getting used to Troy being on nights again & things like that, so that when I don't feel like I'm getting enough time with him or what I want, I turn into a spoiled brat. I'm sure that living with me when I'm doing that is about as much fun as accidently chugging a colon cleanser, so I'm going to seriously work on that over the next few weeks or so.

I need to stop being so afraid that Troy doesn't love me just because he's in the mood to play a game. I know it doesn't mean that he'll stop paying attention to me, I just have to convince myself of that fully before I can relax when he turns his computer on. Life is a funny thing sometimes & you'd think after 19 years I wouldn't be going through this, wouldn't you?

The Plague

2010-11-27T14:32:00.002-07:00

I swear to the Gods, my skin breaks out more as a 44 year old, grown-ass woman than it did when I was a teenager. It wouldn't be so bad if I could use the same types of products I used back then to keep it under control, but my skin is so thin & dry now that I have to be more careful with it. I need some adult acne treatments that actually work, so I can stop feeling self-conscious about my face. I hate this awkward, insecure feeling, I ought to be past that in my life.

Anyway, I'm sitting here smelling burnt food that someone tried to cook, and wishing I could open windows in this house because that's a smell that I absolutely hate. I also wish that the other people who cook in this house would use a temperature beside high & remember to check on their food while it's cooking so that doesn't happen. I realize that I'm just being a bitch, but I'm in a sad & grumpy mood right now, and feeling insecure & unloved. I'll get over it, I always do.

Snow!

2010-11-24T10:01:00.002-07:00

We had a fairly large snow storm in the night & probably have about 5" on the ground at my house. I have to specify, because I'm sure there wasn't that much everywhere in town, but I live about 2 blocks or so from the mountains & we get a lot more snow over here. The bonus to that is that it's a little bit cooler over here in the summer, too.

At any rates, we didn't get enough to need to use periscopes to see over it, so that's always a good thing. The roads weren't too terribly bad the two times I went out in it earlier, although there were a few traction problems & a bit of sliding. There weren't even too many idiots out there, yet, so I'm happy to have gotten my driving over early on & now I don't have to go out again, unless I want to.

Today I plan to get the tree put up in the living room & make the pumpkin mousse for tomorrow, and really, not a whole lot else I think. I may try to find a place to put the winter village I have, but then, I may not, who knows?

Decorating

2010-11-23T15:52:00.002-07:00

I decided that I couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate my house for Yule, so I started today. I intend to set my notebook computer up with a Christmas Pandora station, since I have it in the kitchen, on my microwave these days & we can have some festive music playing when we want it to. I have a small tree set up in my room, but need to wait until Troy gets back to help me find the lights. I would like some garland to match my room and ornaments, so I haven't started decorating it yet.

The tree in the living room will be our 6 foot pre-lit tree & it'll have all Pagan related ornaments on it. I bought a bunch of them at Walmart the other day, believe it or not. They had a ton of birds, leaves, pine cones & the sort, plus stags & stars, they're all just gorgeous. I'm excited to have that all set up & ready to go, I think it's going to be beautiful & so much more meaningful to us this year.

My Bradford Mint (I think?) snowman that I got last year is up in it's normal spot & I also go a penguin ski slope last year, after Christmas, so it's up on the other end of the TV stand, and they both look so cute & festive. I love Yule!

Getting Better & Looking Forward

2010-11-21T17:07:00.002-07:00

Things are much better around here, thankfully. Troy & I are working on things in our marriage & doing what we need to do to make our relationship work, however we decide to move forward. We both feel a lot more hopeful about us than we have in a very long time.

I'm very excited about Yule & can't wait to get my trees up & the house looking festive & wonderful. We got Beth's gift the other day, but have no idea what to get for Dani, so we're going to go & look at the toys for her age next payday & try to decide then. There are so many cool things out there now for babies who are 6+ months & that's what we'll look for. I got Dawn's gift on Friday, Troy, Ryan & I are going in together on something for Jason, so I just need to figure Ryan's gift out now. This is so much fun!

Finally

2010-11-18T17:19:00.003-07:00

I finally got the boys in touch with each other & the last we heard, they were eating pizza & playing video games at Garrett & Keri's house. That was a big relief for all of us this morning. Unfortunately, Troy is having some medical issues again, which increase the stress around here & in turn, increase the medical problems. Stress, it's one of Mother Nature's thermogenic fat burners! I haven't eaten anything today at all, and honestly, with all that's going on, I don't honestly care if I ever eat again. I just have no desire for food, and don't care if I get sick, or die or whatever, I'm in a pretty deep funk at the moment, but I know eventually, I'll get over it.

Anyway, the holidays are almost upon us, and I never feel anywhere near ready, just like I don't right now. We're having our Thanksgiving dinner with our friends on Saturday & even though I know what I'm cooking, I don't have any of the ingredients yet, or even a list of what they might be. I'm cooking dinner for Troy & Rhi on Thanksgiving & am not even sure what I'm actually cooking yet. I need to get on that, so I can get my list made & go shopping in the morning (after my windshield gets replaced, that is). Busy. Sad. Tired.

Waiting

2010-11-17T16:25:00.002-07:00

Erin called me this morning from Trinidad, Colorado, which is about 80 miles south of Pueblo, where Garrett is. He called me again later, from Pueblo, but I haven't been able to get in touch with Garrett all day, because our power went out at 9am & just came back on about 10 minutes ago. I'm really hoping I can get them in touch with each other, since Erin has an infected spider bite & needs medical attention, but can't get it unless he can take the dog somewhere safe to stay while he does. This is so aggravating.

While we were waiting for the power to come back on, we took a road trip in Troy's little car to St. George. I did a little looking for gifts for our friends, but didn't really find anything all that amazing. If Jason still smoked them, I'd start looking at all of the different cigar types and see if I could find something I thought he'd like, but he quit, so back to the drawing board on that one.

Worry

2010-11-15T13:21:00.002-07:00

Erin has been a pretty constant source of worry since he started this big, cross-country journey of his. I have very little way of keeping in touch with him & rarely know where he is from week to week, so if he suddenly stops calling someday, I won't even know where to start looking. On October 19, he called & told us that he was married to a girl & they were coming home for Christmas. Well, we were kind of in the middle of Danica being bored & didn't really get to talk to him much about it. He called me last week to tell me that she had left him, her ex had beaten the crap out of him & that he was afraid he had contracted HIV from a dirty needle. He was supposed to call us back on Thursday & let us know what the test results were, but when he did call Troy, it was to let his drunken wife talk & apologize until the phone died.

We still have no idea, and are still very worried about him. He's going to need some very cheap health insurance if he is, unless he just plans to do nothing (which would be his speed, honestly). I just wish I could go back in time & change it all for him.

NaBloPoMo 6

2010-11-06T16:43:00.002-06:00

I'm using the prompts page for this.

If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. You're beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. There will be men who come along in your life who try to beat you down & make you doubt yourself, hate yourself and feel less than the wonderful, beautiful person you are. They are wrong.

2. Finish school, you will regret it forever if you don't.

3. Never be afraid to just be you. The people who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

NaBloPoMo 5

2010-11-05T10:33:00.002-06:00

I'm using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

What makes you notice someone?

It could be any number of things, to a crooked smile, a nice laugh, beautiful eyes or great hands, honestly. I think what really makes me notice people is when they're in a crowd, just happily being their own, quirky selves without reservation. I noticed a guy at the bar one night, in a sea of other people because he was doing his own little dance. It didn't hurt that he also had a great smile & such, either, but the first thing I noticed was that he was being himself in a crowd of other people trying to act like each other to fit in.

None of the people in my life, that I'm continually drawn to are conformists. None of us are "normal" by the standard definition, so I guess I'm attracted to the unusual, that thing that truly make you you.

NaBloPoMo 4

2010-11-04T18:23:00.002-06:00

I'm using the prompts for these.

Would you rather be wealthy and ugly, wise and sickly, or beautiful and stupid?

Wow. I don't want to be ugly or stupid, that's for sure, but aren't those both fairly subjective terms? I'm sure there are many people who think I'm both, honestly, and just as many who don't. I think I'm both, myself, on some days. I think I'll just keep being me, that lady who's sometimes insecure, has low self-esteem, is moderately well-off, pretty smart & mostly content. I've never seriously wished to be anything other than I am & anything I ever want to change about myself always seems to be something that I can work on without having unreasonable & unattainable dreams.

NaBloPoMo Day 3

2010-11-03T18:12:00.000-06:00

Describe the plot of the next book you want to read, even if the book doesn't exist yet.

I'll just describe the one I intend to read next, since I'm not creative enough to make anything up about a book I'd like to read that hasn't been written yet. It's a detailed history of the neo-Pagan subculture. It talks about rituals, lifestyles and the people who practice neo-Paganism. It was the book that helped me realize that what I believe has a name & that I wasn't alone in the world believing that way.

NaBloPoMo 2

2010-11-02T08:38:00.001-06:00

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts for this.

November 2: Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you? I wear a sterling silver ring on the middle finger of my right hand. I never take it off, because I promised I wouldn't when I got it. It's a small heart with fairly large angel wings, that meet each other at the top (I'll post a picture of it after my camera gets here today). It was given to me by a vendor on the last day of our last renne faire, this past July. The booth was called "Blackheart Metals" and the vendor's name is Todd. I had been planning to buy either this ring, or the necklace that matches, because I bought the earrings last year & love them so much. The design name is "freedom" and the symbol has so much meaning to me these days, not just because we retired from the faire board, but in my own, personal life, too. I didn't make enough money at faire to justify buying anything, and gave up on it.

While we were tearing down, Troy came over & told me that Todd wanted to see me at his booth, so I went over & he gave me a big hug & told me to pick out any piece of jewelry that I wanted, so I chose the ring. His son, asked me if I would actually wear it & I looked at him & said, "Every day." and I have. It's never left my hand since then. They are such awesome people, and I'll miss them very much. Todd came by every evening & talked to us, we spent a lot of time in the mornings and slow times of the day visiting with them, and I feel like we built up a friendship, or at the very least a good beginning to one.

NaBloPoMo 1

2010-11-01T08:32:00.001-06:00

I'll be using the NaBloPoMo prompts this month to try to accomplish this tiny goal I'm setting for myself.

November 1: How would your life change if you didn't have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free? Wow, it would surely change in a lot of ways. I can't imagine only having to pay our standard monthly bills (which for us is only utilities, cable/internet, insurance & cell bills) and not worrying about the rent. We'd probably be able to afford to get my XTerra fixed & get Troy a car, too. That would be really nice. We could afford new furniture, granted, just a bit at a time, as our rent really isn't all that expensive, and to some people, not much at all. At any rate, life would be easier & we might actually be able to each put some money away for emergencies each month, instead of dreading something going wrong all the time.

Thursday & a Tummy Ache

2010-10-28T11:26:00.002-06:00

My stomach is just rolling today & I have no idea why. I'm sure I didn't eat anything bad, I pretty much live on oatmeal, sandwiches & frozen dinners & all of those are fresh, so I have no clue, I just know I'm not feeling well today. I hope I'm not still feeling this way for the weekend.

I talked to Rhi this morning about her appointment yesterday, she said it went really well & she really liked the psychologist she saw & would like to go back to him when she gets insurance. He said she was definitely bipolar, which we knew, but it's nice to get verification of it. Hopefully, he'll disable her & she can at least get state disability, which will give her medicaid. Keep your fingers crossed for her!

I'm trying to get everything done in here that I need to, so I can shower & put my contacts back in & not worry too much about having to wear my readers while I'm doing important things. They don't matter much while I'm messing around on Facebook & whatnot, but if I have to do a lot of typing, they do kind of screw with me.

Some days, I wish I had a bunch of money, that way I'd buy gold online, save it & see what the market is like later on & maybe sell it at a profit. I never have money when the price is low enough to consider, but I might think about it sometime when & if the price ever drops again. Wouldn't it be nice to have a safe deposit box full of gold, just waiting for the price to go up again? Kind of like a nice little insurance policy.

Hump Day!

2010-10-27T22:40:00.002-06:00

Rhi had an evaluation today for disability, I hope things work out for her. Having her own money & independence would be so great for her at this point. I had a great eye doctor appointment & have contacts that actually feel great in my eyes for once, so I'm a happy camper now.

Things, as usual, are busy around here. I have the use of a car about one weekday anymore, so things have to get done on that day or they don't get done at all. Today was that day, between appointments and trips to stores to get things bought, a movie & all I forgot we had wanted to get the rent paid too. It's not due until Monday, so we're fine, but, still, we wanted it out of the way.

I swear I spend so much time in the house these days that my tan is starting to fade away & I need to invest in some indoor tanning lotion. I hate winter, and I hate being pale. Come back Summer!!!!

Anyway, I need to think about shutting this thing down & resting my eyes, they're tired after the exam & getting used to contacts again.

Music

2010-10-26T11:56:00.002-06:00

I've been sitting here all morning, putting life off & listening to Pandora radio. I'm really enjoying the mix they're sending me today, it's been really great. I usually have my Zune plugged in speakers in here, but I thought I'd give it a break & start using Pandora again. I'm getting tons of ideas for the music I want to add to my Zune by listening to music this way, at any rate.

I'm staying on track with my food, so far today, in spite of waking up starving. I usually have a day where I'm not hungry at all followed by one like today & it repeats itself fairly regularly. It can be very frustrating, especially when Troy's on day shift & dinner is late, since I do still cook for everyone in the house during the week. Well, I did until this pay period, because I'm back on the whole eating frozen dinners things for awhile, until I get back in control on my own again. I've accepted that there really isn't any quick weight loss solution out there that will work for me, and that I'm just going to have to watch everything I put in my mouth for the rest of my life. I can't get bored or bummed out & change what I'm doing, because then I stop losing weight & I'm so far from being finished still. When I reach my goal, I'll still have to watch what I eat, that will never change for me.

I hate being an addict.

A Bit Better

2010-10-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a bit better, although, I'm still a little stuffed up. I don't feel horrible, which is a bonus, right? I'm looking forward to our Samhain ritual on Saturday & the party to follow. We all always have so much fun together & just about everyone will be here, which is fantastic. We hope to go out on Friday, but if we don't manage that, it'll be fine. The weekend is going to be pretty great regardless, everyone will pretty much just be spending the night on Saturday night, so we don't have to worry about having a designated driver or anything & can just have a good time.

I've been using a new acne wash and lotion which seem to be helping my skin issues & I'm back on track with my eating, thankfully, at least for today & like any other addiction, I'm taking it one day at a time & just trying to get through them one at a time. I know that I'll beat this, I have in the past & I will again. I just wish that either I had my own vehicle or that Troy's work schedule would mellow out, so I get to the gym more than one day a week, because that would help a whole lot.

That Sniffle-y Time of Year

2010-10-16T23:02:00.002-06:00

I'm so thankful that I got my flu shot this year, but I'm not happy that I have some sort of a bug while I'm waiting for my full immunity to kick in. I really hate feeling unwell, I have so much that I always want to be doing & hate not feeling like it. I've been wanting to finish getting my yard decorated for Halloween for a week, but haven't had the energy to actually get out there & do it yet. Instead of that I've been eating myself into a coma & I'll tell you what, that is ending. I'm done letting my insecurities make me fat. I know I'm depressed & bored & yet, I keep eating like a little pig & I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm tired of feeling fat & bloated all the time & not really remembering what it feels like to be hungry.

My skin is getting so bad from this crazy eating that I've been needing to use acne cream just to keep it to a dull roar these days & that can't be happening, either. Sheesh, I'm letting myself fall apart over here, just because my family doesn't understand me. Wahhhhh. Get a grip on yourself, Dyane, before you wake up over 300 pounds again.

Bad Phone Luck

2010-10-14T22:51:00.002-06:00

I swear, if Rhi didn't have bad luck with phones, she'd have no luck with them at all. We signed her up for Virgin Wireless a couple of months ago. I topped her plan up after the first month & the next day, her phone disappeared. She borrowed one & it got lost or broken, then she found hers again (out in an empty lot, we were all amazed). I topped it up again this month & it disappeared that day. Troy bought her a new one after the weekend, we both told her it was the last one we were going to buy for her, and this evening I get a call from an unknown number. It was her, telling me her friend's puppy ate the 3 day old phone.

This guy has said he'll buy her another one tomorrow, so I hope he sticks with that & we aren't faced with her being hysterical again over not having one. Life, I think, was easier when cells were so expensive you were lucky to have one for the whole family.

It's like printers, everyone has one now, but back in the day, you might have one per family & finding ink was expensive & hard, especially trying to remember if yours needed the 108R00723 cartridge or the 108R00725A one. You'd carefully write it down, then either not be able to read what you wrote, the store would be out of the one you needed or you left the note at home. What a pain in the butt. Cell phones are like that for me right now.

Yawn!

2010-10-14T10:59:00.003-06:00

I really, really wish that Jaycie would realize that not all of us are up & ready to text at 7:30am. I realize that she gets up at around 6 & heads for school pretty early, but I earned the extra sleep. I put in countless early morning hours when I was raising my kids, I don't get up that early on most days. She texted me awake today, but I didn't bother responding this time. I did, however, drag my ass out of bed & got started on my laundry. It's all done now, except for drying my sheets. I got that started & got my bed changed, so at least I accomplished something this morning. I think I'd have rather slept awhile longer, though.

Yesterday I had to take a short nap before I cooked dinner, since I was sitting here, doing something on my computer & the next thing I knew I was jerking awake. I didn't even realize that I was all that tired, honestly.

Anyway, I'm tired today, but at least I know that, right? I'm hoping to have a better day today, at any rate. Yesterday, my eyes itched all day long, I ruined the keyboard on my laptop and had to accept that my camera is broken. Today, I have an external keyboard hooked up, my eyes don't itch, I still have no camera, but I'm alive & getting things done. Maybe I'll be able to stay on track with my eating today, too, that'll make me feel good about myself.

I'm thinking about looking into health care careers, but not nursing or anything like that. I'm not sure, really, what interests me, that I can actually make a living at, so I have to kind of look at everything that I've ever even considered doing, you know? I wish I had spent more of my life thinking about this stuff so that I had a clear picture now.

Fall

2010-10-13T09:40:00.003-06:00

This used to be my favorite time of year. The summers were just too hot & the winters were too cold, so Fall was just about perfect for me. Anymore, though, I have a hard time letting go of my summers. We all love to camp together, and we seem to spend more quality time working on our friendships during those warm, long days & nights. I was so sad this year after our last camping trip, knowing we'd have to wait until spring to go again. I don't hate Fall, not at all, it just isn't my favorite anymore. I still love th way the air feels & smells, and the beautiful leaves and Halloween and everything, so it's probably a very close second.

Rhi is doing well, we're waiting nervously for her court date on the first, not knowing if they're going to put her in jail or what. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 27th for disability. We're hoping that he'll give her a prescription for Zoloft while she's there, so she can get back on what seems to work really well for her.

Erin called yesterday morning. He had been working at a restaurant in New Orleans, near a place that sold wholesale water filters, but that didn't work out for him. He has another new girlfriend & was in Houston. They were heading to Lubbock & then west in the hopes of making it here by the holidays. He got everything he owned (pretty much) stolen in New Orleans, so he's hurting for stuff again. It makes me so mad when that happens, he had so little to begin with, you know?

Exciting News

2010-09-16T13:55:00.003-06:00

Erin called Troy a couple of times after he talked to me, just to make sure his dad was okay & all. He mentioned that while he's working on the oil spill he wants to save enough money to pay his fines & if he can't do that, he's wanting to come home & just turn himself in, so he can do his time & get it over with. He wants to go to college to try to be a vet tech, or just find a job or something & try to start figuring his life out. He told Troy, "I'm 22 now, I need to do something with my life." I'm so excited that he may be coming home for good, I've missed him so much, I know we all have.

I'll lose the best fat burners I've ever experienced, which has been the stress & worry about him, but trust me, I'll find something else. It'll be so worth it! I know Rhi will be ecstatic to find this out, she has missed having her big brother around to talk to. I think it'll be good for her to have someone like him to talk to.

Well, time to get the car loaded for our trip tomorrow.

I Love Momopathy

2010-09-16T09:54:00.003-06:00

Erin called me this morning, he said he'd been feeling like he needed to for a couple of days. I love when I'm able to broadcast the "call home" signal to him & he picks it up, no matter where he is. He sounds great, he was sober & sounded like he was happy & well. Apparently, Bella messed her tail up when she was hit by that car last month, so she had to have a minor amputation & go on antibiotics, but he says she's doing great now.

He's in Florida right now & headed for New Orleans to see if he can get on with the oil spill clean up & earn enough money to come home & pay his fines. He's been talking about just coming home & doing his time so that he doesn't feel like a fugitive every time he is here. He'd like to be able to come whenever he likes & have a home base, but still have the freedom to be out & about with his friends, without the fear of being picked up & put in jail.

I, never in a million years, would have imagined my life like this. I thought I'd be giving my daughter or daughter-in-law advice on how to increase breast milk production and my sons advice on how to be good dads & fathers at this point in my life. Instead, I give a son & daughter advice on jail & facing up to their actions & try to advise the other one about arguing in public & dragging the whole world into it. What a life, huh?

Missing

2010-09-15T14:06:00.002-06:00

I'm missing Erin today. I haven't heard from him since I sent him the money to get Bella out of the pound. I hope he's okay & that all is well. I dreamed of him the other day, dreamed that he texted me (which has never happened) and said "Hey mom, it's Erin. I'm on my way home." In a way it was comforting, but also kind of scary. I don't know why the dream bothered me, but it surely did.

I think of him often. I wonder if he has a new girlfriend, how Bella is, if he's eating enough & drinking too much. I wonder if his nodular acne ever cleared up, if he still has dreads, if he'll be warm enough this fall & mostly where he is & if he's safe. Thankfully, most of you have no idea what it's like to never know where one of your kids is & if they're alive. I wish I didn't know what it's like, it's the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. I try to convince myself, daily, that he is okay & that he'll continue to be okay, but I have days, like today, when I miss him & it's very, very hard. Hopefully, he'll call me soon.

Good Morning, World!

2010-09-15T09:42:00.003-06:00

I slept pretty good last night, and probably would have even managed to sleep in if Rhi hadn't texted at 7:30 to make sure the front door was unlocked. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but it just wasn't going to happen, especially since I woke Tiny up & she wanted out, then back in, then out again. Crazy dog. I feel like I probably got enough sleep, but I got spoiled by being able to sleep as late as I like on most days.

I'm working on making t-shirts for me & my friends, and hope to get at least two done today, so that I only have two more to finish tomorrow. I have one ready to go, as far as the stencil being cut out & ready to iron on & it won't take me more than an hour to cut out another. I may just work on getting the other stencils done today, so I can do the shirts one after another. I like the painting part, I'm just not crazy about the stencil cutting, it's tiring & can be very frustrating.

I was thinking about my skin last night, as I was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep & I wonder if the anti aging product I've been using to wash my face is playing a role in the acne, since it's the only thing I've really changed about that routine. I make sure I wash my face twice a day, once in the shower & then before bed, so I'm not leaving make up on overnight or anything. Maybe I'll try switching back to my old stuff & see if that helps at all.

Dry Skin

2010-09-14T22:50:00.002-06:00

I've noticed that my skin has really been dry over the past few months, which is really unusual for me, especially in the summer. I've been making sure I use lotion after I get out of the shower & my face moisturizers twice a day (daytime & night time), but so far, all that's happening is me needing to use more lotion & getting acne. I can't seem to win.

My hair is all dried out from over-bleaching it, too, so I look like a hot mess these days, I'm sure. Oh well, can't be a beauty queen all the time, right? Not that I ever am, but you get what I'm trying to say. I take care of myself, I wear makeup, I shower, I dress nicely, so I'm doing what I can to look my best, I can't do anything else.

I'm pretty, freaking tired of this cold I have, though. I'd love to just feel normal again & not either be congested or running like a faucet. I'd love it if my head & throat weren't killing me & I could stop running a low-grade fever. It doesn't look good for me for the winter, if I'm already getting sick.

Lazy & Sick

2010-09-14T15:29:00.003-06:00

I've been slacking ever since I caught this cold, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't automatically turn to comfort food the minute I start feeling poorly. So, I'm sick, feeling like crap & eating crap, which makes me feel worse & probably slows down my recovery time, too. Way to go, Dyane. I'll have to start my running where I left off last week instead of moving forward, since it's been a week or so since I even bothered with it. I hate when I do that to myself, so maybe I'll make it to the gym tomorrow.

I need to go to St. George & look at getting some shoes to run in. I've thought about some Nike Shox, because I know that brand fits me & is comfortable, which is hard to find when you have orthopedic issues like I do. I think I'll probably try on several styles and brands before I make a final decision, since shoes aren't cheap & I want a pair that feels great & will work for what I need it to.

Anyway, I need to take the trash out (after I bring the can in from the street), take some cold medicine & probably do some other stuff, too. I can't sit around on my computer much these days, I get too bored.

Summer is Winding Down

2010-09-05T12:04:00.002-06:00

It's almost Mabon, which means that summer will be gone, autumn begun & we can start looking for snow. Yay. Not. I have to honestly say that I'm not a fan of the winter months, especially since we seem to have an extremely long season here. Oh well, I'll spend my time thinking about spring & summer & planning out camping trips & that'll hopefully keep me from losing my mind.

I worry about Erin out there when it gets cold, like I did last year. His poor dog doesn't care for the cold, at all, and she doesn't have much choice in the matter. He's never been crazy about it, either, which is one thing that kind of surprises me about his lifestyle. He was the one who never wanted to be outside, because the weather was always either too hot or too cold, now he's rarely inside, unless they get lucky & score a companion that can swing a fort lauderdale car rental for awhile or has a house they can stay in. You'd be surprised at the places he stays & the number of people he knows that either have cars or can rent them. He actually starts getting too antsy when he's staying in a house for too long these days, though.

Anyway, I have a lot to do still today before our friends get here & it's not getting done while I update my blogs, so I'd better go.